A Man's Feelings for his SD vs his feelings for his BD
When there is a BD in the picture, how are your feelings different from your feelings for your SD? As a man, is it possible to love your SD as much as you love your BD? Are your feelings different when the bio-dad is not part of the SD life ?
I'm trying to understand how my DH honestly feels about his SD. He says he loves her as if she were his own but it seems that his BD gives him more joy and can hurt him more deeply than his SD. There s a bond there that just does not seem to exist between him and SD. With SD he freely gives his love as well as his discipline, but with BD it is like he walks on egg shells to not disturb that relationship and allows her to get away with things he would never allow SD to get away with.
He has spent much more time and invested much more of himself in the SD because BD has always lived with BM whereas SD lives in his home.
SD says Step dad is the only dad she has and loves him unconditionally, but BD love is more conditional. BD puts space between herself and her dad when things don't go the way she thinks they should. It seems that BD rejection hurts more than anything his SD or even his wife (me) ever could.
Even though he has spent much more time (20 years) around his SD, I truly believe if he had to chose between SD or even DW, it would be a no brainier, he would chose BD.
Not sure what you are asking?
Not sure what you are asking? I am not a SD. But it is only natural that someone cares more about BD than SD.
I'm not a father but I know
I'm not a father
but I know for me, it wouldn't matter that my stepkid lives in my house while my bio child lives overseas. I'm going to love my own kid more. No brainer. I would always be kind to my stepkids, but I'm not going to be parental with them by being forced to. That'll happen on its own because both SK and I want it.
His being parental was not
His being parental was not something forced on him, it was a role he desired. Had I not felt that he loved SD I would not have allowed him to act as a parent to her.
For 20+ years he has told everyone that he loves SD as if she were his own.
What it sounds like I'm hearing from you guys it that this is BS, a step father can't love a step child like they do their own.
Would this same feeling hold true in cases of adopted children in the same home as biological children??
Even still, he's going to
Even still, he's going to love his kid more, just like I'm sure you love yours more than his.
My brother had sds from
My brother had sds from multiple relationships but only on bio son.
He loves these girls SO much. Would it be different if he had a bio daughter? maybe. I don't think it is productive to weigh who loves who more.
FDH claims and tells MY
FDH claims and tells MY BD9(not his) and tells other people he is her dad- her bio isn't in her life at all and hasn't been for most her life. There's CLEARLY a difference. My daughter see's it, I see it and FDH denies it. It's only natural and I get it. She's not really his but it's crystal clear to me. He let's his kid get away with MURDER and is an ATM to her. My daughter it's a completely different story and he has much less patience. Don't get me wrong, he's good to her but way better to his daughter. He says we may see it differently because he doesn't see her as much. I smell bullshit, it's because it's his biological child and she's spoiled fucking rotten.
Sometimes it's just obvious
He's going to love his
He's going to love his daughter more and he should. But he can still be kind to your daughter and if he can't enforce rules with her appropriately, at least leave that up to you.
I love how you guys tell it
I love how you guys tell it like it is!!!!! I've been living in a dream world believing he actually loves mine the same as he does his.
You are so right that this is not a productive question. He loves SD and that should be enough. It's not a competition!!
It seems to me he hasn't
It seems to me he hasn't treated your child bad, but you want him to love her like his own. He's told you he does, because odds are if he doesn't say that, you would tell him off. But it is a fact of life that he will love his bio-child more. Why are you attempting to make it any different? Do you have SKIDS? If so, can you honestly say that you love them as much as your BIO? Heck, it is even proven that most of the time men love their first born more...SUCKS, but it is what it is.
Sorry, but I think that you are making a big deal out of nothing. It is one thing if he treated them differently and was obviously mean to your child, but if he's not, you need to let this go. There aren't many men out there who are even willing to marry someone with kids already...be thankful he has provided for you both and leave it at that.
Yes. I am blessed. Thank you
Yes. I am blessed. Thank you for reminding me.
I am certain that is part of
I am certain that is part of it. BD did not want anything to do with him for about 6 years, when she was a teenager. She finally realized her mom was poisoning her with her hate for DD, found out for herself that he was awesome and allowed him back in her life. He received many hate filled letters and phone calls from his daughter during those off years. A parents love is unconditional, so as far as he is concerned those years are water under the bridge. I, on the orher hand, had a hard time forgiving the hurt she caused him.
My spouse once told me " I
My spouse once told me " I want you to adore her (SD10) as much as you adore me". I looked dumbfounded and said " IMPOSSIBLE". I will never love the kid as much as I do my spouse. That being said, I likely will grow to love his daughter I hope but certainly not as much as him and not as much as my own daughter. But you can't tell these spouses of ours the truth in most cases.
Now that my spouse and I have fought over our parenting styles, I think he has abandoned the brady bunch ideal.
" I want you to adore her
" I want you to adore her (SD10) as much as you adore me".
OMG, how did you keep a straight face when he said that. If my SO said that to me I would laugh, "who said I adore you? Get over yourself. Nobody says that about themselves."
Thing is that's exactly what many DH's want from the stepmom. They want us to adore their kids and act like they walk on water.
"
The answer for me is it is
The answer for me is it is not possible to love my SD as much as my bio children. Perhaps this is because my SD is 21 and I didn't raise her. I do care that she do well in life and, being the first stable father figure she's ever had, I do my best to motivate and support her. But that is as far as I can go so far. Part of the reason also may be that with four bio children still grieving the death of their mother, I have enough straws in my glass. My DW put pressure on me a few months ago to spend more time with SD and develop a close relationship. I resented that because I was trying and I just didn't have the time or energy. Who was I going to take that time and energy away from? My BD15 who still needs a father or our marriage? As it is every time I take BD15 out on an father-daughter outing, I get some jealousy from DW and every time I take DW out I get jealousy from BD15. As I point out to DW, no matter what I do, someone is unhappy.