Adult Step Daughter Destroying my 25 Year Marriage
I was blaming my step daughter for destroying my marriage, only to discover my envy was the culprit.
My husband had one foot out the door due to my resentment toward his daughter. I have passively tried to keep them apart as much as possible by having a fit anytime he spent time with her or her children.
I wrote this heartfelt letter to my husband. I hope it works, because at this point he is not speaking to me.
Dear Husband,
It took a lot of soul searching to figure this out but I do think I realize what's wrong with me. You said something this morning that made me finally realize what it is. It is the fact that it is emotionally impossible for you to love my girls the way you love your daughter. This is not a criticism, it is just a matter of nature For some reason, and I guess it's because he's a boy, I never felt threatened by your love for your son, so it has never been a factor. I believe what I've been trying to do all this time is to show you that my girls are more worthy, or even just as worthy, of your love as she is. All this time I thought that I could be free of my guilt for taking them from their father because I had found a better one who would love them just as much as he should have.
Please don't get me wrong, I know you love them with all your heart but there's no possible way you can love them as if they were your own flesh and blood.
I have put all this time and all this effort into encouraging my girls to replace their father with you, when I probably should've been putting more effort into encouraging them have a relationship with their own father, as lousy as he is, given the right motivation maybe he would have come around and been the kind father I wish they had,,,a father like you who would consider giving up on his marriage because he lost trust in his wife to have their best interest at heart. I can say a lot of unkind things about your EX, but what I can say is she picked a fantastic man to father her children.
I don't know that this fixes anything but it does help me to understand my feelings of resentment toward the relationship that you have with your daughter. That resentment is a result of me being envious that my girls don't have that same kind of a relationship with their father.
Thanks for posting that. It
Thanks for posting that. It is probably a good thing that you are aware of your jealousy and maybe work on keeping it at bay. If your DH has a good friendly relationship with your DD then you are all doing very well!
Just read some of the garbage going on here and you will realize you are very lucky.
It's very hard to admit that
It's very hard to admit that you may be a part in the problem.
It's got to be tough but
It's got to be tough but you're doing the right thing, and I really admire you for having the strength and courage to do so.
SD always lived with her mom.
SD always lived with her mom. She was 6 when we married. We got her every other weekend until she turned 14. At 14 she no longer wanted to visit and we only saw her for her birthdays and Christmas. The relationship deteriorated when she no longer visited and she and her dad became distant. When she left her moms home to go to college she and her father reconciled and the relationship has been ok. After she had children she desired to have more of a relationship with her father, but on her terms. We still only see her a few times a year but when we do DH bends over backward to be sure she is happy. Whenever she wants something from him he drops everything and comes to her aid. Much of my resentment comes from how she treats him, expecting him to come fix this or that when she calls. She is very wealthy and can easily afford a repairman. She has said 'he owes me". She is very entitled.
StepAside, I agree with
StepAside,
I agree with everything you said. You were fortunate to have a bio father who was at least somewhat a part of your life. I have seen first hand the damage it does to a girls mental well being to not have that connection.
As mothers we want the best for our children, when we see them suffer we want to fix it. I have no doubt I pushed my daughters toward my DH in an effort to replace a part of their life they were missing. In the end, we have all suffered the consequences of my actions.
I cannot change the past, but I can be more supportive of my DH relationship with his daughter and his grandchildren.
It still hurts to realize my children will never have a connection with their bio father like the one my SD has with hers, but my EX desire to have nothing to do with his children is no fault of my DH nor my SD and they are who are suffering because of my envy. I wish there was a magic pill I could take and no longer be jealous of DH and SD relationship, because my head knows but my heart is heavy. What can I do to make these feelings go away??
Actually he doesn't blame me
Actually he doesn't blame me for problems in his relationship with his daughter, what he wants is for me to forgive her actions toward him and be ok with how she treats him. He wants me to genuinely like her, and welcome her whenever she comes to our home. He wants me to want to spend vacation time with her family. He says I am transparent, that although I act like I enjoy her and her family, he knows how I really feel and says she does too.
Getting to the point of not
Getting to the point of not caring is something I need to work on. Although I don't really like her, I want her to like me. Jacked up, right??
Another reason I don't enjoy being around her is that her value system is so different from mine. I think the value of a person is based on how good their heart is, not the size of their bank account, how many degrees they have or how successful their child is on the football field. I would never be friends with someone as self centered as she is, yet because she is his daughter I'm supposed to GENUINELY enjoy her company. DH says I am judging her and that I need to accept her as she is.
I can tolerate her and be nice, but that genuine part is going to take some time.
Ha!! You don't pull any
Ha!! You don't pull any punches do you?? I love it.
Her financial situation probably is more my problem than hers. It's that green eyed monster rearing his ugly head again, I guess.
Something I have done that
Something I have done that has helped me be less resentful toward his children is that I have stopped buying them gifts. Until last year I remembered every birthday, bought birthday and Christmas gifts. If I didn't do it it would not have been done. My efforts were never reciprocated and all of the "thanks" went to their dad.
Now he buys the gifts for "his" and I buy for mine. He is a cheapskate where gifts are concerned, so they don't get much, but it is the thought at counts. Right??
Since I was no longer in charge of birthdays he forgot hers. Talk about Pissed??? Was she ever!! She stopped talking to him for a week and told him off. He spent the entire time having a pity party feeling like Gods worst father. After all, what kind of a man forgets his adult daughters birthday??? He has since gotten a calendar and written every child and grand child's birthday on it, his and mine. So far he hasn't forgotten one.
DH called to tell me he is
DH called to tell me he is going to stop by SD on his way home from work to fix her leaking faucet. Normally I'd jump up and go meet him there just to be sure she did not have something to say about me behind my back. This time I told him I'd let him go it alone and I'd be here to hug he neck when he got home.