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I need help!

Cseaburn's picture

I've almost been married a year. My husband has two daughters, 13 & 11. I love them all very much. Their mother went into rehab 9 months ago. No help from her at all. And the mother has out of control dangerous episodes. My husband has had the girls since she was put into rehab. I took the kids and my husband into my house bout a month before we married. Both the girls have no dicipline or boundaries. They both have been arrested for shoplifting and have a case against them. The oldest has no remorse. The oldest then got expelled from school for drinking and having alcohol at school. Then her phone taken away or taking inappropriate pictures to send a boy at school. She posted pictures of her at her grandparents with her holding his heart medication saying she takes pills, and took photos of her holding empty bottles of liquor saying she drinks trying to impress school friends. She is shut down at home or aggressive to her younger sister. Her mother bought her tampons at age 13. She carried clean and dirty tampons in her book bag together until her father and me found them. She lies and won't own her actions. We have taken make up away until next year and she managed to sneak it again. She stays with friends and forgets to call and check in. I have been dealing with my husband getting sober as well. My husband drank the kids saw and said nothing I flu d him hours Ted face down on the porch. I was furious! You do not keep secrets when someone in the family could be hurt. Not to mention its your father. I told him I wanted her to be disciplined for this behavior. You don't sit and watch bad things happen. They normally tell about everything. My husband asked his daughter if she wants to be disciplined she said no and he moved out. My things have been stolen by his daughter. My marriage is destroyed. I put so much effort in and am at a loss.

ldvilen's picture

Yes. I would call social services immediately and explain the situation. It is very unfortunate that both of these children's parents have abandoned them in multiple ways. The girls are, again unfortunately, showing the effects of this.

HOWEVER, and a big however here, this is not your burden to carry at all. I know social services gets a bad rap sometimes, but they are professionals and they deal with this sort of child abandonment issues all the time. Call them ASAP. Once the children are out of your home, then you can look at the situation with clearer eyes and start cleaning up what mess remains. But first, pick up the phone and call. (And, actually, I believe you could even just call the police and tell them these children have been abandoned, as they have.) Better social services gets a hold of them first vs. some mysterious online "boyfriend."

ETA: Also thought the kids were still in the home with her sans DH. But, per below. He and kids all took off. However, leaving above advice as is, since it could help someone else out.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I echo, Echo...tell him goodbye, adios, farewell, in maybe 8 different languages to make certain he knows-go with your total and complete blessing.

He gave you one huge gift, and in a few months you will be realizing what a sorry excuse of a man you were living with.....

The best of times-- are just ahead for you lady!

twoviewpoints's picture

These kids are the product of their dysfunctional parents. Why you opened your door to this mess is beyond me, but that's besides the point.

Get your DH into a program for his drinking problem and call your child protective services office to gather up the kids. The kids need out of this and they need counseling and assistance that you can't give them nor help them with.

These kids don't need your discipline for not ratting out their father, they need your help in getting them safely out of the lifestyle they've been living. Make the call. You have no authority to have nor handle these kids and the best thing you can do for them is hand them to the state to see that they have the help and resources they require.

You can't help any of these people. As much as you wish to and try, they all need more than you can give.

These girls deserve better than a dangerous mother and a drunken face down father. So do you. answered while I was typed. I was under impression he left kids with you. Don't let them back in. The girls need CPS and your DH needs help with his own problem. If you love them, love them enough to demand they all get the real help they need.

notarelative's picture

If you haven't done it already, have all of you house locks rekeyed. It's not expensive and well worth the peace of mind it gives you.

You married an alcoholic. Find an ALANON meeting near you and attend a few. It will help you find some perspective.

If you think the girls are in danger, call the children's services hot line and tell them your concerns. In most places a call to the hot line is confidential and he will not be told who called.

Get some counseling for yourself. You need to work through what happened and your reaction to it.

SMforever's picture

It is understandable that you feel hurt right now, but in time you will come to see that your efforts will never be appreciated. Anyone who tries to parent anyone must go into it expecting no thanks or recognition.

The mistake you made, if indeed you did make one, was to continue with the wedding when this baggage landed on you and your DH prior to your marriage. It would have been ideal to let him take a year to,see if they settled in Ok, while you lived elsewhere and just dated him. The problem is for all of us, we get idealistic and think that love will conquer all problems.

This venture was doomed from the start, but you chose to make a try anyway. This was likely your kind and generous spirit. Now it's time to take a lesson from it that being kind and generous also needs to be accompanied by boundaries. No man is worth putting up with such baggage for, no matter how much you need company, or need to feel needed.

You will be OK in time. Mourn the loss, but start asap doing things for YOU now that you are free. Do not let him reel you back in. He has now shown you who he truly is.

Thumper's picture

Sometimes the best gifts are the ones you THINK are the worse.

Thank your stars he is gone.

Your husband is need of rehab, and his daughters have open juvi cases against them.

I know your hurting. I would imagine your family is jumping for joy. If you were my daughter I would be.

you seem like a nice caring lady. Do yourself a huge favor---DO NOT fall for this mess again.

You can not save a messed up family and YOU deserve more.

moeilijk's picture

Good heavens, what is there to miss now that they are gone? Did you enjoy living in constant stress and anxiety, worrying about the safety of your loved ones, your home, your possessions? Did you like wondering if the cops or child welfare services would be dropping by today? Or was it so predictable you knew if it wasn't today it would be tomorrow?

Learn about co-dependency. There is no reason to find a dysfunctional relationship attractive.

Cseaburn's picture

Thank you for all your comments. I am doing better at work. Less stress, I was able to bring my things back from storage. I had to hide my make up, anything for hair, perfume, personal souvenirs to keep them from being taken. I did not allow him to take anything on his way out That I bought for the house. He is staying at his mothers...well the kids are. She refused to take him in only the kids. My soon to be ex has been sleeping on his friends patio with their dogs. He has asked to stay one night at the house. And I must say reading your posts it really was everything I knew already I was just in so deep I needed to hear logic from someone. Sad my marriage will not last but honestly better to cut and run now before its all back at my door.

Rags's picture

Get out... before you find yourself years down the road having wasted far too many good years and time on this shallow and polluted gene pool.

Cseaburn's picture

Well, my Husband left, me took the kids and left them with their mother. So far the youngest 11 broke into a house. The oldest dyed her hair and eyebrows bright red. Their mother leaves them home alone on summer break in a really bad area. They are running all over the streets its across the street from the rehab he mother was staying at. My husband refuses to sign divorce papers and wandered around the streets drunk and homeless looking. he came to my house and was drunk and having an episode out in the courtyard talking to himself my neighbor pulled a gun on him thinking it was someone dangerous. My husband left it was like 3am. Then he went and slept outside the backyard gate of his parents house until they finally let him back in the house now he's living at their house while they are out of state for the season. This is all in a months time. Now he's saying he's gonna go travel the world he has no money, passport or id. It's lie after lie after lie. I get angry calls and drunken comments on my phone. He did something to my computers or my phone because he's telling me who I call during the day and I don't see him. He rides past my work on the bus and tells me what I was wearing. It's all such sick behavior. I can't even deal with him. I'm his wife and he threw us away. I hate I miss having someone to talk to I feel alone and hurt all the time. I don't see any hope with him. Just divorce and I am humiliated that this is what happened. I'm angry to be lonely and miss him. And it will never be. I have to get past this and I'm really struggling! My life just hurts right now. Sad

Acratopotes's picture

keep record of it all and get a RO against him,

get some expert on your computers and phone to clear all tracking apps....