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Advice please husband upset at me!

Modernworld1011's picture

I placed this topic here because I have upset my husband. Some stock was transferred to my name, by my husband. Every so often a small dividend check (less than $100.00) is received. He gives me these checks to cash or deposit. I have never been told to give the funds to him or place them in his account, so I have always just placed them in my account. I do direct deposit as often as possible, so when the check came with a portion offering that option, I signed up. He came home today, and something was clearly upsetting him. I ultimately learned that he was upset that I chose direct deposit without consulting him. He claims that it should have been discussed before I undertook the action. I feel both humiliated and as though he somehow thinks me a thief. There have been several occasions where he has done things on the basis of assumption because things have been done in that manner before. I transferred the money to his account immediately, but I feel very humiliated. Am I wrong to feel this way? Did I do something wrong? I think I feel so lousy because I have never taken money or anything else from anyone. I don't borrow, and I don't treat his money as if it is mine as I know he has expenses with his children. I feel very upset about this. Thank you in advance for any opinions and thoughts.

Modernworld1011's picture

NO, he gave me the stock as a gift. All of the proper paperwork was filed, and our accountant undertook all of the needed work. I have never given the money to him. I have always kept the small dividend check. I only gave the money back because I was embarrassed that he was upset that I directly deposited it, and it made me feel as though he thought I was being dishonest.

Modernworld1011's picture

Thank you for replying, it is my money, and it is my dividend, so that is why I don't understand his upset. I transferred it to him in into our joint account. He said he did not want the money that it was me not talking with him before undertaking direct deposit that upset him. I just did not want the money after what he said.

I think perhaps he gave the gift, but is now changing his mind about me having it.

I know there has been no legal dishonesty, but maybe he regrets giving the present or wants to remind me each time the check came in that he gave me something…

I just feel horrible that he is treating me as though I am sneaky whenI thought it was mine to do with as I wished. I saw nothing wrong witht he direct deposit, and was stunned to see that he did not feel as such.

Modernworld1011's picture

Sorry my writing is a mess. I feel very upset as I have never tired to be sneaky or dishonest, and it feels as though I have been accused of such. My hands are shaking too much.

hereiam's picture

He gave you the stock as a gift, any dividend that comes from it is YOURS and there is no reason he should be upset that you would have it directly deposited into YOUR account. Why would you be expected to discuss this with him?

I feel very upset as I have never tired to be sneaky or dishonest, and it feels as though I have been accused of such.

Maybe because he, himself, is doing something sneaky or dishonest.

Modernworld1011's picture

Thank you for confirming my logic. It's the a**hole thing. He always likes to remind people of what he has done and given. So there is probably a big part of him that likes handing the check over to me. The check comes to hime in one mailing with his checks addressed to him, so he opens it.

Last In Line's picture

Definitely something fishy about the situation, or he is just an a-hole. Hopefully he's an a-hole and hasn't involved you in something unsavory. That sounds so very wrong, but I'd rather deal with a jerk than the police or IRS.

Once you both have cooled down, you need to bring this back up and ask him why exactly he was upset because you were just trying to make life simpler by cutting out having to go to the bank. I can't imagine a reasonable explanation for his reaction, but I'd love to hear an update.

Modernworld1011's picture

Hi thanks for your thoughts. I did tell him that he hurt me by acting as if I needed permission to to what I wanted with something that was mine. He apologized, but then what I believe to be the true motivation came out. He told me that he was worried that I would just sell the stock without consulting him. I said" well isn't it my right to do so", and he agreed that it was, but that he had hoped that I would discuss it with him first. This is also annoying because I have never undertaken any large financial action without seeking his advice whether it was my asset, our asset or any other combination. I think he regrets giving it to me. It was a grand gesture, and perhaps he now wishes he had not been so generous. So, glad he apologized, but not so glad that he holds the opinion that I would do things without consulting him, and that deep down I think he regrets the gift.

notsobad's picture

I understand your take on it but then why does she feel like she's done something wrong?

I hate it when DH makes changes and doesn't tell me too but I don't make him feel like he's stolen something for me.

That's what I find odd in this situation. Husbands and wives shouldn't be afraid of their spouses reactions to making a banking change.

Modernworld1011's picture

I feel like he usually jumps to bad conclusions first rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt or at least asking first before getting upset. I feel humiliated and embarrassed that he called me on a behavior that did not feel wrong. I do not feel guilty, but I did worry that I had missed something, and that there might be some measure of validity to his upset. I don't think there is, but I wanted confirmation. Thanks you, long day!

Modernworld1011's picture

Hi valid point, but no he was not chasing the check down. They all come together in one envelope addressed to him, so there were three checks for him, and one page reflecting my direct deposit. So, he was not stuck wasting time looking for something. Thanks for weighing in, and yes that behavior where you create extra work is annoying.

Modernworld1011's picture

Yes, agreed it is best to keep your money aside. Thais is why I see nothing wrong with what I did. As the day passes, I feel utterly certain that I did nothing wrong. I was worried at first that there was a perspective that I was missing. My ex was utterly controlling with money, and it destroyed us. I refuse to go down that road again!

Rags's picture

Something is afoot at the the Circle K.... :? This seems a bit odd to me. I would dig in to this with DH to get to the root cause of his issue on this.

Good luck.