Spouse forgets to mention ex at dinner

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I am upset and not sure if I should be, so thoughts please.

My ex was off getting his kids ready to head off to their respective schools, and he shared that he was taking them for dinner, but never bothered to share that their mother was attending. When we spoke after dinner, there was no mention of her being there.

This bothers me because I found out from an offhand remark his child made about them all dining together, and it was evident to all that I had no clue what he was talking about which felt embarrassing.

Then there is the fact that she was threatening to sue us all summer, combined with the fact that she still insists on making digs about me. So, beyond sharing the normal back to school events at campus, the extra dinner seems to send a contradictory message.

Needless to say I was upset to not know about the dinner from him, and his response was that it never occurred to him to tell me. He told me I was dysfunctional and crazy for being upset, and that he did not know that he needed to be that "literal" with me. Then as he was sputtering at me he said, "If I want to have dinner with my wife and kids I will." I of course reminded him that I was his wife.

Other facts, I never have tired to interfere with them doing their kid events together when they were younger or now that they are older.
My ex has always been friendly and kind to him, so he does not have cause to think about how I feel to be treated poorly by his ex.
My children get along really well with my spouse, and like to have their father and stepfather at their events, and my husband thinks that is "weird."
My daughter assumed both would be at her 18th birthday, and his remark to me was that I should have asked him first how he felt about attending.
His kids are polite to me but would never ask to have me attend anything. They don't even thank me directly for gifts. I am thanked through their father.
I would wish to have his situation where the step kids adore me, but probably never will. I accept it, but it hurts

Am I wrong to be bothered by this?

Sorry It is my current

Sorry It is my current husband. I am sleep deprived, and revised my post. Thank you for catching my error.

My fault, apologies. I did

My fault, apologies. I did not sleep the entire night. Agreed I don't have time to worry about my ex either. Same no problem with all the school things, but the extra dinner on the heels of all of the crap of the summer that was conveniently not mentioned felt like too much.

It does make me question the whole trust issue. What would you do?

Thanks for catching and asking about my error and weighing in!

Agreed, not my way of living

Agreed, not my way of living either. Of course, I understand and would, and believe that a united parenting front is a good thing. I do that with my own children and their father. We don't however go out to dinners all together with me conveniently forgetting to share that information because it does not occur to me to share it. So much of their communication happens without me knowing any of it that it does almost feel like and affair. You hit the nail on the head.

See my reply, sleep deprived

See my reply, sleep deprived sorry!

Thank you for your reply and

Thank you for your reply and thoughts. I said the same thin to him that omission is the same as outright dishonesty, and he told me he was disgusted by me and my remark because I was calling him a liar when it just had not occurred to him to tell me. Kids were present.

How would you handle?

Thanks again!

I would have been livid. I

I would have been livid. I agree with Echo

Your words echo my feeling

Your words echo my feeling exactly. He's been verbally mean since the altercation. For example I remarked that I was tired from the week of birthday preparations, and he said "well that was your choice, you don't need to bake a cake." Totally ignoring that it was a tradition that has been carried out every year of her life, and is import an to us both. I feel like I am still getting verbally smacked for catching his deceit. Thank you for helping me see that I am not crazy like he is trying to tell me.

Than you for your kind reply.

Than you for your kind reply. I will respond after I get dressed. Love what you wrote!

Threestrikes, thanks you so

Threestrikes, thanks you so very much for your reply. Yes, I know others who have those kids who are adults intend on not seeing their parents with another. In this case, sadly, it is my husband who is doing this with the ex. He always responds with well you would be invited if you were there… How much would we like to wager the dinners would not happen if I was there. I don;t necessarily mind them all dining together without me, but he makes it feel like something else when he conveniently forgets to mention that it is happening. Then I caught him lying about it. He said this time was the first time, and then it became "we have done this many times it's part of visiting the kids at school." If his ex was kinder about me, and less outwardly hostile and trouble seeking, I would feel better about it, but given her behaviors, I think that putting on the united front for all of the school things is more than enough.

Your last paragraph really resonates, the whole "cavalier attitude." That what he has. Like you finances are separate, and I work. I always keep my eye on making certain to be self sufficient. These past few days, I can't say I have been enjoying his company.

Same here too old for new kids, and my heart too feels more distant. Thank you , I feel less alone, and less crazy than he is trying to make me feel.

Yeah, I am a bit confused.

Yeah, I am a bit confused. Are you currently with your dh?

If he is your exdh, then I agree with him that he can have dinner with whoever he wants.

If he is your current dh, then I think he purposely did not tell you because obviously he knew it would piss you off. This crap of not having to be literal with you is a bunch of crap. He knew you would be pissed so he didn't tell you. And no, if you are married then he needs to not have dinner with his ex who is obviously toxic to your relationship.

I personally am not a passive aggressive woman, and don't skirt around the issues. I have been in your situation and told my dh flat out that I will consider any private conversations between him and his toxic ex a violation of our boundaries. There is no conversation that he can possibly have with her that needs to be secret.

I would have lost my ever loving mind. But that is just me, and I am too old for bullshit.

My mistype no sleep, and

My mistype no sleep, and rewriting. He is my husband.

Agreed about being too old for this nonsense.

He never shares what is going on unless it involves the kids visiting our home. I have asked for clarity and openness, but don't receive it.

What would you do?

I recently questioned my

I recently questioned my husband about some questionable behavior. He tried to turn it around on me, telling me that if I have trust issues that I would question him and look through his things. That he didn't know if he could around me if I didn't trust him.

I am not passive aggressive so I told him flat out that he is the reason for my trust issues, that I will look through his phone, computer, and things at my will and discretion. If he has nothing to hide, then why would it bother him.

I told him that I am not a young stupid girl who that blindly "trust me" crap will work on. Then I told him boldly, to be on notice that I will always look into stuff. I told him that if he didn't like it, then there is the door and get the f*** out. He apologized and said he was very sorry.

I am too old for any mans bullshit.

Snowflake, thank you! I feel

Snowflake, thank you! I feel exactly the same! Too old for this crap. He is my husband, I made a mistype because I had been up all night try upset. He always uses this "I share with you anything that is important" remark. Well who is he to judge that? I am going to try to institute some sort of boundary setting because this is awful. It is downright embarrassing to learn about things from other people that you should have learned from the source.

I know, I know, you are

I know, I know, you are right. The anger was because he got caught, and the remark about it "being understood and going without saying" feels like his way of justifying his behavior to both me and himself. Thank you for weighing in, and confirming my feelings.

Maybe everybody needs to get

Maybe everybody needs to get the paperwork out and figure out exactly what they are to each other! Just kidding.

I would be pissed that the ex-wife was at dinner, that there was no mention of it (that's called being secretive) and that he called her his wife. He said, "My wife and kids," like they are all still a family. Hmmmm.

Has he gone to your kids' stuff when your ex has been there before?

Some people do have a problem being around the ex of their spouse but if there is no animosity between he and your ex, there is no reason not to attend your daughter's 18th birthday party. I'm not one for all of the joint parties when there are psycho exes involved, but I have seen it work plenty of times when everybody is adult-like and sane.

Yes, he goes to my kids

Yes, he goes to my kids things all the time, and they like him. My ex is there, and my ex likes him. Before every event its always "this is weird and awkward, and I am not used to this." It has gotten tot he point where I tell him not to come if he is that uncomfortable. He always goes, and things are fine. I think perhaps because that will never happen on his side, it bothers him. His kids either would not want me around or be indifferent, and his ex could never be gracious. So, he has that twisted thinking of "your kids are getting something that my kids are not."

Yes, he tried to make a k]joke of the wife mistake,b y referring to my ex as my husband. I guess some sick way of trying to balance the remark. I quietly said that I did not find it amusing.

Thank you hereiam, it helps to feel understood here because I certainly do not feel understood in my own home, or even cared about that much.

Again Threestrikes, you

Again Threestrikes, you nailed it! "Riding them hard" seems to encourage them because they then are provided with the justification for their sneakiness. Sadly, I don't think they change either, so do you stay and accept that until ugly is all that is left and move on? I have savings and a job, but I am not as set up to be fully independent and remain at this level of living, so I need to work harder find other ways to burnish the coffers.

Yes sadly either they arer cheaters or spoiled children who never want to consider anyone but themselves. The predator remark must have made you ill. People change, he really said that? I am glad that you maintain your own life and that it can be so beautiful.

That is what depresses me most. My first marriage was not good, but some of his behavior has actually made me nostalgic for my first marriage. That is not a good thing!

I never thought I would need a plan B. I guess that was foolish of me. I guess I should start thinking about that.

The blame shifting is the worst, and is the name calling that goes along with it. You are so correct the issue is his dishonesty.

Thanks Fasndiva! I don't

Thanks Fasndiva! I don't think he still has a thing for her? Who knows. She beat the tar out of him physically and verbally when they were married, so maybe that is love to him. If I had to guess the slip was made because those dinners are his way of trying to enable his grown kids pretend things are still the same, which is sick and wrong. Thank you for your kindness. It is terrible to feel lonely in your own home, but a godsend to be understood here!

Your computer trick sounds

Your computer trick sounds nifty, but I don't understand how you did it. We each have our own laptops, and phones, so not sure if I could do this?

I am glad you have a good life outside of his crazy. You have helped me tremendously, thank you!

It sounds like you are both

It sounds like you are both as disrespectful of each others wishes as the other.

You both feel uncomfortable about each others ex's. You feel more justified because BM is a bitch who tried to sue you, but he is entitled to feel uncomfortable too, just because your ex is your ex, even if you think he is great.

There was no reason why your ex had to be at your daughters 18th birthday party. He could have arranged to host his own party if he wanted. Your first priority is to being your husband's wife. Not ousting him because your daughter, at 18, still has a happy family version of you and your ex. She knows that you two are divorced, you don't need to shield it from her any longer.

Your husband should have let you know that he was going to dinner with his ex, well to be fair, he shouldn't have gone to dinner with his ex at all. There was no need for it.

You need to both sit down and set out some ground rules that you will BOTH follow with regards to dealings with the ex's.
A good start would be something along the lines of:

1. No omissions, if you meet up with the ex, you need to tell your spouse, preferably with advance notice
2. No meeting up unless it is a one off event that you cannot attend on separate days (ie graduation, weddings, sports matches) or necessary to discuss legal/health issues for kids and not possible via email.
3. No jointly hosting events (except maybe one offs - ie weddings, birthdays do not count as a one off event - many people celebrate multiple times for a birthday with different groups of people).
4. If there is a difference of opinion, current spouse comes before ex spouse.

BethAnn, sage advice, thank

BethAnn, sage advice, thank you! I did start telling him that if he did not feel comfortable to skip attending, and believe me I meant it. I don't want to be worrying about him when I should otherwise be enjoying myself. So agreed, no forcing. My daughter asked him to join because she loves him, and wanted all of us together. My ex is always friendly to him. I goes I have the problem with him having no trouble sucking it up for his kids and ex, but all the sudden balking at the unnaturalness when it is on my side.

Yes, we should be open and honest, and I am. So, his not being such is hurtful.

The ground rules make a lot of sense I am copying them down, and hope to bring them to conversation about this topic.

His comment about going to

His comment about going to dinner with his wife and kids and labeling you as disfunctional should have resulted in you calling a locksmith to rekey the locks while he is at dinner with his wife and kids.

Make it happen.

That asshole can sleep on the curb.