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NEW to being a step parent help!!

DC208's picture

Hello I'm new to being a stepparent. I love my fiancee very much and care about his 7 years old adhd son. My fiancee wants us to get married soon but I'm scared because he allows his son to sometimes run a muck. I also have an 12 year old son. My bio son has good behavior by the account of most people including my financee. He has manners, understands social norms, has self control. Where ever my bio son goes people comment he has manners and is polite and wants him to stay around. My soon to be SS is loud,rude, and has a lack of self control. Maybe partly do to the adhd. He comes over to our place and jumps on the chairs, drops food,toys, and leave the place in a totally mess. I know he's only 7 but because of the adhd I know it may only get worst. My 11 son can't stand him because he lies a lot and can't control himself. He throws himself into my son.
I don't hate the child (or love him) but the child has no behavior, manners, or self control. He spits people when he can't get his way or bits them. I am a pretty strict mom and told him (and my son too) that I run the shows in this house so he will do what he is told. I feel sort of bad but if I don't I can see it getting out of hand. At this point, I plan of limiting my interactions by planning events for my son to be out if the house when he is with us. As a mother, I feel bad about having to do that ...but the child needs consistent behavior checks. He has kicked me in the face twice and lies and say he is jump playing. Like I said, I care about the child. I like him but really not sure about getting married now because I am not sure what to do with an unruly child. His dad is supportive to me but lackadaisical in his parenting style. Please help to understand what if anything I can do better or should i remain hands off. Thanks

Monchichi's picture

Welcome, The only advice I have for you is RUN. Stay Hands off and don't own this if you insist on staying in this relationship. Do not marry and don't have an ours child until your DF steps up and parents his child.

DC208's picture

Yes I feel like running at time. But, most people at this point in life will have a child. Sighhhh....trade one headache for another.hands off is right.

still learning's picture

It sounds like you're settling because you think that this is as good as it gets, that all men in your age category will have some brat of a child. If you and your son are currently miserable and you're already planning your exit strategy for when ss is around please tell me how legally binding your lives together will better this situation at all. How is this going to be healthy for your son? Why are you intent on running head on into disaster?

Your fiance needs some parenting classes and you need to do a pro and con sheet for you and your son before entering this union.

DC208's picture

Thank you so much. My finance didn't even know he had adhd before we met. As soon as I saw the child I knew he had a problem. I told the father but he didn't want to accept it. I felt really bad for the boy because he needs bio parents who wont make excuses and get him the sort of intervention he really needs to be his
best. It was not until he was in first grade the the teacher called him every single day and then took the child to the hospital strapped down that he believed me.

another step's picture

I agree with the other posters and would like to add that you need to consider the possibility that the child could come and live with you full time. Our BM SWORE that their father would not have the kids one single second more than required by the Custody Order. But when they became impossibly spoiled teenagers, she decided that they were too much for her and, since her new boyfriend did not like them, it would be best if she simply left them here and literally moved across the country without them.

I was utterly shocked! You had never seen a more outwardly devoted Mother of the Year. She had been a SAHM and clung to them during the ENDLESS divorce and custody proceedings with the ferocity of a rabid wolverine. NOTHING indicated that she would ever let them out of her custody in a million years. I would have bet my life against it. Yet there they were on our doorstep after years of being told that she was the only one who would ever really love them. You can imagine the complete chaos that descended on my home.

It happens. And after being on this board for a few years now, I have seen it happen more often than I ever could have imagined. You need to be aware of the possibility.

notarelative's picture

You cannot care more for his son than he does. Your fiance needs to step up and get the behavior under control now. Spitting, play jumping, kicking you in the face, etc are behaviors your fiance needs to extinguish. If your fiance is excusing the behaviors with the child is young and just playing, you need to run now.

If your fiance is willing to go to counseling to learn how to parent his child and actually do it, as a couple you may have a chance.

The child is seven. Don't let your fiance pull the only seven card. The behaviors you are describing are not typical seven year old behavior. Only seven, will the undesirable behaviors disappear when he turns eight or will the new excuse be he is only eight?

Do not, not marry this guy until his son's behaviors are under control. Do not marry this guy until he shows you consistently that he knows how to parent and does so.

jssdallas's picture

I would not proceed with this marriage. I love my husband and things with sKids slowly get better, but honestly if I were to divorce or to do it again I would rather be single.

Vanessa68's picture

I have only been on here a few days, just ended relationship with a man of 8 months and met his kids few times. I can tell you I read the blogs constantly for my own piece of mind.
I have learned over the years through life experiences that when you start going to other people for answers, you already know full on, what the answer is. But like me you dont want to admit it, admit defeat, a bad choice/decision.

I know where I stand, and you know where you stand and what will happen to you if you marry him. I too wanted to marry my guy.

I will continue to read/ until i can stand alone, being online is much better than a life time of hell and someā€¦

Wish you all the best.

hereiam's picture

I would not set up house with this situation. It's not realistic that you find ways for your son to be out of the house every time the SS is over, until your son goes to college or whatever. Seriously, think about this.

There is no law that says you have to live together, whether you get married or not. These are the types of situations that can break a marriage or a live-in situation.

Ideally, we want to live with the person we love. But he has a son that he does not have any control over and you have a son that does not deserve to live the life that you are describing.

Indigo's picture

Someone else mentioned that SS-7 may very well live with your FT at some point. Also, be aware that a lot of the behavior you are mentioning is NOT typical ADHD behavior. ADHD rarely exists in a vacuum. SS-7 may later express ODD or BPD or anxiety or anyone of a number of co-morbid diagnoses.

Consider how one high drama, high conflict, troubled child will affect your BS. Consider how you will have fewer "attention units" to pay towards your own child. Just think about it.

Monchichi's picture

Indigo, I'm going to assume you're a therapist. OP I can't begin to say how spot on this is, I live it. Tread carefully. I stand by my earlier comment.