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Considering calling off my wedding because I can't stand my future stepson.

mskeebler's picture

I am engaged to great man who has a son that I am convinced has 3 sixes in the back of his head. It has bothered my for quite a while how I feel about his son. From the beginning he has been nothing but a thorn in my side. He has no manners, he's rude, disrespectful, he talks back to adults, hits and kicks his father, has temper tantrums (he's almost 12) and his behavior is absoulutely ridiculous. I have a 12 year old daughter and they are like night and day. I can't have my child thinking that his behavior is acceptable or that it will be tolerated. I hate to say it but to be honest I CAN'T STAND him!! I feel horrible that I even feel this way about a child.

My fiancee's and his family totally tolerate his behavior and it's ridiculous. They blame his disrespectful nature and behavior on the fact that he has ADHD. Now it's so bad he blames his behavior on it too. He does something and says well I did it because my medicine wore off. I have tried everything in my power to bond with and get along with him and I just can't. sometimes for him to walk in a room my skin crawls. I make up things to do on the weekends just so that I don't have to be in the house with him. I have postponed my wedding twice already because I'm afraid of marrying his dad knowing that I can't stand to be around his son who lives with us.

He makes my daughter and I's life a living hell. She can't stand him either. His dad keeps saying that he will grow up and out grow his behavior. However in the 2 years he's been in my life he gets on my nerves more and more each day. At one point when his dad and I were dating before we got engaged his sons behavior was so horrible that I told his dad not to even bring him to my house. I don't know what to do and I think I'm going to cancel my wedding because I hate his son. Any suggestions?

Comments

Anonymous's picture

I was in a similar situation and it got so bad I ended up leaving my husband. I HATED my step child and couldn't stand being around him. I stayed out late and avoided being home just so that I didn't have to deal with him. I then realized I allowed this child to make me miserable where I paid my bills. I left him and moved out. That's when I regained my peace. Pray about it and if it's too much to bear why waste thousands of dollars to find out something you already know......You hate your stepson. Do yourself and your daughter a favor cut your losses now, maybe you can still get back some of those wedding deposits. You have to do what's best for you and your daughter and your happiness. If you are miserable now, marriage won't change that. Trust me.

klinder180's picture

I broke up with my ex gf. Her kids acted that way and she wouldn't deal with it.

You mentioned medication - is he also going to counseling? What about anger management counseling?

What kind of disciplining is dad doing? Has he tried to change the method of disciplining? It may be a change of the way the child is disciplined might work. Is the school involved? Does the behavior occur at school?

Perhaps a discussion with the sons doctor and a change of medication?

Kevin

mskeebler's picture

that's just it he isn't disciplined properly. Occasionally he's punished, but for a kid who isn't allowed to go outside anyway because the kids in the neighborhood hate him and refuse to play with him and he's given tons of chores to keep him out of the adults hair who don't really want to deal with or admit that this kid has problems. and on the few occassions where he got his butt whipped he'd turn around and do whatever it is he was just punished or whipped for. It's like he has no remorse for his actions or for others. He doesn't know how to interact socially with other children his age. He has tantrums, he's rude he argues and yells at his parents, grandparents and any other adult or authority figure. They act like they are afraid of him and he practically runs the adults in the house by arguing and saying what he is and isn't going to do. His pediatrician at some point recommended that he see a shrink due to the fact of him being on ADHD medication and his continued defiant behavior. His dad and grandparents once again in denial say that there is nothing wrong with him and he has yet to get checked out. He has these crazy bursts of anger that scares me into thinking one day he might just flip out and do who knows what. When I bring these things up I get looked at like I'm crazy and am once again told that he doesn't have a problem.
As far as school his teachers are often complaining about his behavior, the bus driver complains and I even found out that he was kicked out of several preschools and kindergartens because of his behavior and that he was home schooled until 2nd grade. He isn't even allowed to go on field trips unless his dad or someone accompanies him. I am at the end of my rope.

Candice's picture

the parents and grandparents don't want to acknowledge that there is a "problem" with their family member, so they refuse to value anyone else's opinion about their kid. It's really sad b/c he isn't getting the treatment and encouragement on how to behave properly, and as a result he is growing up to be a social idiot.

I know I can't handle a situation like that. When I got married to my dh, I knew that we would "try" to work with bm in raising ss, however, when parents are impossible to work with in raising their kids...sometimes you have to just walk away.

I personally don't have the patience and determination to work with children with special needs....it really takes an angel to work with children that are disrespectful, ill mannered, along with physical and emotional difficulties that may only be corrected by medication.

The whole idea that you are looked at as if you are crazy when you suggest problems with ss really bothers me. Why can't your future husband and in-laws take you seriously when you describe problems with their family member? Are they really in denial that bad? If so, you deserve to marry someone that truly values your opinion period. The fact that he doesn't value your opinion when ss is clearly out of line is a huge indicator that he isn't ready to be married yet, and also indicates he will put his son as a higher priority over his marriage and that is asking for trouble.

Postponing marriage isn't a bad thing....it's a lot easier to get out now then it is to divorce....and you need to put your needs first before others....

Good luck,
Candice

mskeebler's picture

His dad and his family are in denial that he even has a problem which is part of the problem. The more I've learned about these people the faster I want to run. My fiancee's parents are often more concerned about what people will "think" about them and their family than dealing with the issues that they have and boy do they have some. They won't get him checked out because they are concerned about what others will think about him and them. They said taking him to a shrink will give him a complex and make him think that they think somethings wrong with him. Hello newsflash--something is wrong with him. His dad only has custody of him because he was so out of control that his mother gave him away because she couldn't deal with him. He's been living with his dad for 7 years and his mother barely even wants to come and pick him up. And when she does she brings him home so fast she might as well just sit in our driveway.

Riley's picture

Does calling off the wedding include moving into your own place? Are you willing to maintain a separate household? Or do you want to remain living together? I'm offering my advice based on the fact that DH and I continued in our marriage despite the turmoil that SS caused.

My DH knows that I don't like one of my SS (his 3rd son). I told him in the nicest way I can and encouraged DH to not take it personally. DH didn't like it so much and at first thought I was being harsh and unforgiving, but after time he grew to understand my position and respects it. Now with this SS at 25 yo, we have an amiable relationship, but it's only out of respect for his father (my DH). If I wasn't with DH, believe me I wouldn't want this young man as a friend. I've become indifferent to him, which is much better than hating him, b/c hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is.

So don't feel guilty about this. Give yourself permission to dislike him, or even become indifferent to him.

For me, this certain SS lived with us until he was 18, so I lived with someone that I didn't like for 4 years. It wasn't that bad b/c I became indifferent to him. My DH handled all his issues and if they crossed over my boundaries, I spoke my opinion about it and b/c DH honored me, he would follow my advice (not always, but most of the time) b/c DH held me as his highest priority. Is your fiancee willing to do that for you?

I wish I could offer more sound advice, but I need more information about how this decision will affect your living arrangements. I think that makes a huge difference on how to approach this.

mskeebler's picture

This situation has gotten so bad that my daughter and I are moving out. I have a contract on a new home as we speak. It was so bad that if I didn't find another house soon, I was going to offer the tenants renting my current home a stipend to move out. I have tried everything in my power to bond with this kid and I just can't seem too. While my fiancee is trying to get the situation under control it still doesn't change the way I feel about his son who will live in our household. I can't allow him to make us miserable either. I just don't know what to do other than to move out because I'm so miserable.

Anonymous's picture

It would be different if he lived with the mother, and father only had visitation. But there would be no way I could do that, most of all my concern would be for my child and the effects. I feel that if I was responsible and raised my kids properly, then why should I let someone who didn't affect me and my child.

This would be difficult, but did you ever think to just sit your financee down and explain there is no way you can live with his son because of his behavior, and the lack of parenting that goes on? If its not possible to send him back to the mother permanently, or your bf refuses its a easy decision. If thats the situation don't look back and enjoy your peace and quiet! Your bf will likely keep going through gf's because of this kid.

LVmyBOXERS's picture

My SS too has been "diagnosed" with ADHD my his Bi-polar crazy asses BM. He is on meds. He sounds exactly like your SS and I feel exactly the way you feel about your SS. Trust me, RUN LIKE HELL. In my experience, it does not get better, the feelings only get worse. Starting the next time they are at the house, I too will have things to do. I am tired of being around him. I was just amazed at reading your story. I swear I was telling it myself. BM blames it all on ADHD and this gives her a free pass so to speak to not dicipline him. He almost got expelled form school last year and talking with him about it he felt like it was not a big deal that HE WAS ALMOST EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL. His mom wrote me a note one time (well more than one time) saying, that is just how God made him, like we are just supposed to accept this and not try and straighted his ass out. Girl, I get furious just talking about it. It is the only thing my DH and I fight about. But I too will start working or something EOW when he is there so I no longer have to be around him. Just the thought of him being in my house and breathing and touching my stuff is more than I can bare. I need help, seriously!

Riley's picture

You are wise to make this decision that sounds like is the best choice for you. Enjoy the new peace that the new home will allow for you and DD. She's so fortunate to have a mom with common sense and the ability to see red flags to prevent a bad decision to marry someone with these types of issues. I for one, am very proud of you and your courage.

MamaJenn24's picture

AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON'T LOOK BACK! It doesn't sound like your fiance is backing you up at all and if he's not doing it now, he's certainly not going to do it after you get married! This behavior is indicative of what's down the road and I don't think you or your daughter should willingly put yourself in a situation like this.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I think if you both run like you're on fire, the pain will be less than if you don't and you get divorced later on. Think about it: it will probably be more expensive to get divorced emotionally and monetarily than it will to possibly lose some of your deposit $$$. It's your decision but it sounds like you just need that one extra push to do it. Don't worry about what other people think either. It's none of their business. This is your life as well as your daughter's you're talking about here.

And also, at this point, it doesn't really matter if the kid has ADHD or not; that type of behavior is unacceptable either way especially since everyone around him (except you and your daughter who know better) don't want to look in the mirror to see who's to blame for allowing the negative behavior to begin with! It sounds like they are using the lable of the disorder as an excuse for everything! For example: "Oh...sorry, I burned the pot roast...blame it on the ADHD! I burned down the house...I crashed the car...I broke a nail...I stubbed my toe...blame it on the ADHD. WTF?!!!!! Now that's just wrong.

This is a hard decision that only you can make. I would never minimize that you obviously love your fiance to bits or you wouldn't have gotten engaged, (that's one reason why the decision is so difficult) but you need to love yourself and your daughter more and not put up with this unbelievable crap! This diatribe was not meant in any way to be disrespectful or mean, but I would hate to see someone's life get screwed up because of a kid who has no respect for anyone, including himself!

You are in my thoughts...

Anne 8102's picture

1. It always gets worse before it gets better, IF it even gets better. (And that's a very big IF.) If you can't imagine marrying this man and NOT having things get better, then run.

2. He isn't going to grow out of it unless/until his parents take him in hand and start dealing with his behavior issues. In fact, his behavior will only get worse over time and the older he gets, the greater the impact of his bad behavior. He's been taught that he has a built-in excuse for anything and his parents are reinforcing that falsehood. He will never learn that his actions have consequences this way. He will never be adequately prepared for adulthood if this continues. Eighteen is six years away and, at this rate, there's no way he will be prepared for adulthood at eighteen. If you can't imagine having this same kid still living in your house at twenty, thirty, forty and constantly needing to be bailed out for the rest of his life, then run.

3. The child isn't your problem. Your fiance is your problem. If one set of rules applies to your child and another set of rules (or no rules at all) applies to his child, then you will be constantly fighting over discipline. The two of you will resent each other. Your daughter and his son will resent each other. Both of you will resent each other's child. If your fiance doesn't give you equal say in discipline issues or back you up when you put your foot down with his child, then run. You can't kick ass with your feet tied together.

4. Love is, indeed, a many splendored thing, just like the song says. But Aretha had it right... R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Love without respect is meaningless. If your fiance doesn't respect you or your daughter enough to ensure that his son's bad behavior doesn't adversely impact the two of you, then run.

I have three skids and two of them have ADHD, SD15 and SS12. They've both been medicated for years. I have to give their mother lots of credit here... neither of them acts in the ways you've described. They are both very well-behaved, good-mannered, polite, gracious and pleasant to be around. They are not perfect. They have both done time in the time-out chair when they were younger and have lost a privilege or two as they've gotten older, but when they are with us, they have NEVER treated us with anything but respect and, for the most part, are very well-behaved. So blaming it on ADHD alone is a cop-out. And it's irresponsible.

I think you were very wise to postpone the wedding before and I think you'd be crazy to go through with one now, being that the situation with his son is so intolerable.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

klinder180's picture

Her experience is from a successful situation. Mine was unsuccessful. The difference? The biological parent worked with the step on the situation and there was an underlying respect to the relationship. My ex girlfriend had no respect for way her kids behavior hurt me and my daughter. All relationships take work. Some relationships more than others, but in the long run only you can decide what is best for you.

Kevin

Georgie Girl's picture

The bio parent has to be aware of the situation and be willing to do something about it. In the long run, the child will benefit and all of the adults involved will be much happier. Unfortunately, alot of bio parents get out the rose colored glasses when it comes to their kids.
I have personal experience with add and it can be managed through behavior modification, medication and dedication on the part of the parents. It really depends on the kid/severity on which course of action or combination is best, but the parents must always be dedicated to a positive outcome and do what it takes to work towards that.
If your fiance is willing to work with you and the bio mom to help the skid you may have a chance. If not, then you may want to reconsider your decision. I know that it is a tough decision to make but you have to protect your daughter and your sanity.
I hope that everything works out for you.

Georgie

klinder180's picture

Its the saddest thing in life that "Love is not enough"

Kevin

Sarah101's picture

"When problems walk through the door, loves flies out the window."

Trust your gut and GET OUTTA THERE! Continue to "date" your fiancee if you want to, but don't get any closer than that. This kid will be with you FOR LIFE. Some people think it all ends when the kids turn 18--oh no. Some people think unacceptable behavior will "get better over time." Not a chance.

You are making the right decision to protect yourself and your daughter. As for SS, let the real experts--the parents who created and nurtured him--be responsible for their precious son and take full credit for the young man that he has become. If you stay, you will be blamed, and he will likely beat on you like he beats on his own parents.

You don't need this kind of crap in your life.