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Living with a step son you can't stand

callmerandy's picture

I am in my late 30s, been married to my wife for about 4 years and together for 8+. She had two small children when we met. 

I have a great relationship with the oldest, we bond well and spend lots of time together.

The youngest child is a compelte shit show. So far as we know he has ADHD, but he also has other non diagnosed issues nobody else will take me seriously about. Some sort of cognition issues and major maturity roadblocks. I've watched him walk face first into mirrors and doors, etc. 

At 4-5 he was non verbal, his speech was so bad only his brother could understand him, it's only in the last 2-3 years he's been able to speak properly. He operates at the maturity level of a 5 year old (he is about to be 11). If any sort of criticism or instruction to him is given he shuts down and stops speaking or responding to anyone. He is heavily addicted to Roblox video game and spends every waking hour playing it, to the point of extreme exhaustion. He has no friends, no social life, no hobbies, just Roblox.  

Recently he's starting pooping his underwear because "he's too lazy to get up from playing Roblox and use the restroom".

(his own words)

His bedroom looks like you walked into a dumpster that also loves stuffed animals. He pines over "stuffies", sleeps in piles of them, and all he ever wants for gifts is more stuffed animals, a habit I have put a screeching halt to.

He's the kind of kid who will eat through the middle of a burrito and get it all over himself and hands and then go back to his computer completely oblivious to his condition or level of clenliness. 

I've reached my level of personal disdain many years ago and have started disengaging with him more heavily this last year with covid being a thing. He knows I do not like him and it's very apparent when we are in the same room. I literally hate this child and I know that sounds terrible but it's the truth.

He's just a ball of immature sticky nonsense that makes my house gross and cries and starts fights with his brother and terrorizes our dogs. If anyone remembers the old bugs bunny cartoon where the little girl loved the dogs to death, that's him. He got bit twice the other night because he tried to forcefully hug a dog around the face that was growling at him multiple times, totally unaware or uncaring that the dog was warning him to get away and stop. Even our dogs hate him.

I've started self medicating with drugs periodically to provide an escape from this little monster, I feel like this kid is gonna be a non stop drain on my life until he moves out or I do. This also creates issues between mom and I.

What things do you guys do you help retain your sanity when forced to live with a child you can't stand?

I need my vaccines already so I can startg going places again...

 

Evil4's picture

OMG! A child shitting their pants at age 11 is a deal-breaker for me. I would confiscate the Roblox. Your SS is addicted. I don't care if he possibly has some sort of disability. His shitting himself being connected to Roblox indiates that it's his game addiction that causes him to crap his drawers rather than anything else, so if it were me, I'd go nuclear and take that damn machine and make the kid go cold turkey. To hell with what Mom says. I would tell her that I'm not living in a house with a tween who shits himself. No f ing way! That is beyond disgusting! I will not live in the smell of shit. 

Your SS' other problems that you describe may be due to his game addiction and not getting enough social interaction. It could also be due to over coddling. I suspect that your DW is a Disney mom given the fact that your SS is allowed to run around with burrito filling hands without washing. That kid is not being parented. If he has a disability he can still be taught to wash his damn hands, so if your DW pulls the "he's delayed" card, she's full of it. 

Has your SS been thoroughly evaluated? I would insist on that. Yeah, Mom isn't going to like it but how is it not OK for you to say anything about her precious poopsie but you have to live with a pants-shitting, filthy-handed kid? 

Honestly, if it were me, I'd go nuclear on my spouse and insist on: 1) losing that Roblox player (or whatever it is. I'm not technically savvy); 2) getting the kid evaluated properly and to plan the appropriate parenting and/or program for him; and, 3) marital counselling or being heard in my own home. That would be for starters. Your DW is not doing her kid any favours by allowing him to continue to be so backward, especially the pants-shitting. Honestly, one whiff of that and I'd go nuts. This isn't a little baby shitting his diaper. This is a tween crapping himself and stinking up the house. And you better believe he's not cleaning it all up properly. Since he doesn't seem to like to wash his hands or is required to, everything he touches puts feces on it. 

Time to take charge of your household. And no you are not a male chauvinist by doing so. You have every right as 50% of the marriage and 50% of the adult equation in your house to insist on some changes. 

callmerandy's picture

On and off for years its been a thing, but now hes 11 and throwing them away in the trash can where everyone can see and smell.

He's been evaluated, is on meds for adhd, has had counseling, therapy, and they basically told us he knows all their tricks and they can't teach him anything or help him progress because he is unwilling. 

tog redux's picture

How sad for him that his parents don't even care enough to get him some help. You know he's not going anywhere, right? He'll be 25, still living in his gross bedroom playing video games. Your wife and his father are neglected his developmental and mental health needs.

If you are turning to drugs to cope, it's time to consider leaving.

callmerandy's picture

he's been fully evaluated, is on meds for adhd, has been through counseling, therapy, you name it, we've done it all. He chooses to break off from other people and obsess over stuffed animals and video games and neglect his own care. Mom just thinks everyone is being too hard on him and that hes just fine. 

callmerandy's picture

I've also been an on again off again drug user (no hard stuff) since I was a kid, it's not a factor that would cause me to leave, my entire life and finances and our work is mingled, I am stuck here with this kid till I kick him out at 18.

tog redux's picture

He's going to have zero life skills at 18 and no way she lets you kick him out. My guess is she will kick you out first.

callmerandy's picture

I'm ok with that too, just can't be of my own doing. I'm always the bad guy for wanting my him to have structure and respect and earn their luxuries, which they do have in multitides.

callmerandy's picture

Mom knows he has issues, she has a poo phobia so this recent pooping your undies thing has made her upset, but overall she feels he is fine and is just different than other kids and sensitive and blah blah. No accountibility no structure just 3 hours of special ed online and then 14 hours of 4 inches away from a monitor all day playing roblox and talking to himself. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If he's in special ed, then someone, somewhere knows what's wrong with him. It sounds like his parents just can't be bothered with him. It's sad but if they can't deal with him with all the bonds of a bioparent, i don't see how you could turn him around. Nor should you. Are the parents always trying to pawn him off on someone else, or do they just park him in front of Roblox and forget about him? Either way, it's sad, but at this age with 11 years of poor parenting, the chances of him becoming independent ir even someone who can be lived with are slim to none. 

callmerandy's picture

Bio dad is on disability for lifelong inability to manage his emotions and focus to retain work. He is not in the picture, he will show up once every year or so to pat him on the head and then go back to being a raging alcoholic and moron.

I am very self involved and busy, I have 0 time to coddle a kid with special needs or emotional issues. Mom if anyone spends the most time with him, but not really quality time, he comes and goes as he pleases all day with little direction from mom. I am busy working most every day.

I have tried to point out his shortcomings many times but Mom insists he is just fine and sensitive. 

I can tell he will lack major skills as he grows up and will be the special kid all his life, and even though I've made it a thing multiple times, even grandma agrees with me, Mom will not hear it, he's fine he's just emotionally immature and sensitive. 

 

callmerandy's picture

yeah I 100% agree he may have gotten whatever it is from his bio dad. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Your step son almost certainly has a sensory processing disorder that is common in children with ADHD (assuming the initial diagnosis was in part correct). 

Occupational therapists can help with issues related to this. 

Sometimes you have to ask the question 3 to 5 times in the area of ‘special needs’ before you get an answer that will help you. 

 

Rags's picture

Time to purge his life of Roblox.  His choice to crap his pants needs to also be a choice to never enjoy Roblox again.

Period. Dot.

bananaseedo's picture

Yikes, the kid needs to be in some kind of therapeutic environment.  Seems to me the whole family needs some serious counseling.  You for your addiction issues, mom for her PTSD.  The kid might have genetic issues you will never fix.  That's the reality.  

Sweetbug10's picture

Where do I begin. SS is almost 10.5 anf I WISH someone told me I was walking into the worst relationship of my life. Never even wanted my own kids let alone someone else's. He is diagnosed with ADHD since 7.5. He has been defiant, oppositional, physically appgressive and harmful to himself since before the diagnois and worse the last 2.5 years. He has no common sense - can only be trusted to make a bowl of cereal for himself which is obsiously fristrating at 10.5 because who wants to keep making ALL meals and snacks at this age? ( I was cooking dinners for my own family at a younder age than this). He was obsessed with voilent video games by 5 and one day when told to turn it off he got so beligerently angry and nasty that he attempted to hit his 6'4" 350lb father whom he also got in his face and spit at him. Lets just say the viedo games have since gone away.

Since then I KNEW this kid had MAJOR mental and emotional issues. He has been diagnosed with social anxiety will be getting tested for pther psycological disorders and autism. He deff has ODD - oppositional defiant disorder and it is so infuriating that nobody sees because of how MANIPULATIVE he is which is funny becuase like I said he has no common sense and he for sure has a low IQ. He also has no idea how to interact but I mean on another level because he thinks he does and he thinks he sounds so intelligent and he sound the opposite. My husband and I look at at each other like what on earth is he talking about/what did he mean? He also has zero clue on how to interact with the dogs and they too are ALWAYS barking, growling & biting him. I am waiting for the day our one dog that truly hates him takes a finger off - he is not getting helped because he has been warned daily for 5 years. 

Now lets address the fact that he has the attitude of a teenager as per his therapist. He rolls his eyes, huffs and puffs, shrugs his shoulders, gives side eye, snaps back, doesnt respond etc all of it and he is 10.5. He also thinks its wise to be so angry these days that he pumps his little fists, pumps his chest, growls and snarls at us and twitches his face all like a literal crazy person. I am writing all of this while having a 1.5hr long argument/conversation with him as he is refusing to sit still /sleep until it is time to get up for the day. And every time he hears an instruction he become beligerently angry and annoyed and then adds something else that he shouldnt be doing. Then when given a consequense he gets even angrier bchow dare you but here is the fun part HE ONLY ACTS LIKE THIS AT HOME / WITH FAMILY. He is AN ANGEL at school. It makes me laugh bc in 2nd grade this terror had a phase where if something had a hood on it he HAD to wear it even if he was inside and it was 80 degrees. One day at dismissal his teacher asked him nicely 3 times to remove it as it was not time yet to leave and he did not need the hood or even the zipup he had on as it was hot out. Not only did he not listen but when she approached him to remove it he physically attacked her. He smacked her hands then threw himself on the floor where he proceeded to kick and scratch her bc HE WANTED TO WEAR HIS HOOD. He was suspended for 3 days, I told them they should expell him bc he will not learn he will just do this other places. SURE ENOUGH he acts perfect in school to the poin that he is 1 person there and the devil at home.

He also lies to lie all day long I am starting to think he is a pathological liar. Nothing that falls out of his mouth is the turth and he will create elaborate stories even for the most mundane things. He has been doing this since I met him, how a parent misses this is beyond me. A 5 year old should not want to be this defiant or want to tell bold face lies. You can show him video of him doing something as we have cameras or you can have him write down what he did or said and he will go and tell you something different 3 seconds later or even as he is doing it. He has no sympathy for lying and then just wants to reserve the right to get angry and mad when he gets a consewucne or gets something taken away for thr behavior. He does not think ahead EVER he has no clue how it is the most ridiculous thing ever being he is able to control ALL OF THIS NONSENSE  when in school from 710am - 330pm when they had full school befoe the pandemic.

I am at the end of my rope that less than a week ago I told my H to call a lawyer bc I want a divorce bc I can not do it anymore. His kid and my H's responses to me while parenting and ealing with his uncontrollable, unloveable and disrespectful child is too much. I have my own things to deal with and stress affects them so severely that it is amazing this crap hasnt killed me yet.

This child has had a school counselor as per an IEP for 3 years and it clearly has done nothing for him as he has done nothing but get angry and more mental over the years and it angers me that his BM has got to live her life not being around for almost 8 years and his father never thought to do ANYTHING with this kid until I came around and told him your child has developmental and neurological delays. How can someone from a family swimming in mental illness not get this kid checked out??? His school counselors are useless and he now has a licensed therapist outside that in less than 3 weeks of trt was on anxiety meds and was set up to have other tests done bc they see that he has major mental issues and delays. WTF HAS THIS NOT HAPPENED FOR NOW?

I FEEL YOU AND I AM SORRY THIS IS YOUR LIFE *help* *bye*

 

 

 

Rags's picture

Pleasantry

Bug,

I tend to take any Dx or claim of a "disorder" with a grain of salt.

IMHO most of this is just excuse based bullshit to justify crappy parenting.

Kids with legitimate issues should have help and support.  Ill behaved little turds who are the products of idiot parents.... meh.

Nope. they need to be disciplined and actually parented.

Even in this community there are periodic examples of a kid Dx'd with a "disorder" that upon a second professional opinion is found to be bullshit.

Be cautious IMHO.  Though as you describe your SS-5.... he defiantly has issues.

Ruby77's picture

My 11 year old step son sounds so very similar!!!! He is so disgusting. He definitely has cognitive issues. He is extremely uncoordinated and can't finish a meal without getting it everywhere. He can't cut with a knife, he holds his spoon like a caveman and he gets food all over his face. It is not normal at all. He talks to himself. He dances all of the time and he can't walk in the house. He runs most of the time. If he does walk, it is literally like a penguin with his feet pontes outward. He is awkward socially and even after 4 years of being with his dad, he will say no more than 1 or 2 words to me in a day. He never washes his hands after then bathroom. He doesn't even flush sometimes. He pees all over the floor and the toilet seat. It's always a disgusting mess and I finally had to complain that the bathrooms need to be fully clean when I come over. I'm scared to touch the door handles in fear that he didn't wash his hands and the touched them. Ugh. 
 

I feel your pain and am at a loss too. Being around him is unbearable. he is the most negative, miserable, pessimistic kid I have ever met in my life and I can say that I actually hate him. He has shit energy and if I never saw him again, I would be more than happy. 

JSB_84_UK's picture

My partner and I have our own biological son but she had two children from her previous relationship.

Both children have an autism diagnosis but the boy in particular (10, nearly 11) is so cognitively incapable that I have found myself hating being in his company. When I met him, he was 7 and he couldn't read, shower/bathe, go to the toilet, eat, ride a bike, swim... Since I've been on the scene he has been able to do all of these things which his Mum occasionally credits me for.

However... Now that the boy is approaching puberty, we are seeing a real regression in his cognitive ability. He's got a whole host of other diagnoses that all fall under the autism umbrella. His Mum tried to be "glass is half full" with it all but his mood, attitude and negative vibe carries throughout the house to the point where I just don't want to be around him. His personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired (so does the girl's for that matter - She is 13) and I just don't want it impacting my biological son. He is nearly 2 years old and already displays some cognitive superiority to his siblings - That is not an exaggeration, his Mum even acknowledges it.

I'm fed up. I love my partner and I love my son beyond imagination but I can't continue to cope with my step children and I'm finding more and more that I don't want to.