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Mom not accepting stepson

Classylady's picture

I'm reaching out to see what others views are about this and to see if anyone understands both or either sides or has even been there.

My Mom has always been loving and caring for as long as I have known her, but when DH and SS came along things changed. I have talked with my mom numerous times because she will do a few things. She will watch BD but not SS but will also watch our son that we have together. Early on in our relationship something happened between BD and SS and he ended up stomping on my daughter's private area. DH and I talked to SS about it and there were consequences. BD is also close to my mom who she told and ever since then she has been distant and has wanted little to nothing to do with SS. Add to that that he has behavior problems that have been a strain on our household and it probably doesn't help the situation. I love SS and know and understand that he has been through some things and can be a reason why he acts the way he does  and because of this I have tried to reason but my mom won't listen.

How is it for you? Should I not expect my mom to automatically take on that step parent role when she never asked for it or are her reasons and actions valid? She will speak to him and be cordial, but that is about it.

SteppedOut's picture

You should NOT expect her to take him on, just as step parents should not be expected to take on skids. Also, I believe her reasons and actions are valid. 

Classylady's picture

Thank you for your input. I really had no idea what to think about anything honestly and I figured that as well. I can definitely understand where she is coming from because as parents and grandparents we are protective over ours. It has just caused a riff between our family unfortunately. DH doesn't understand why my mom can't forgive and move forward, but then again SS has done more than I mentioned to BD. Perhaps she has gotten to a point where enough is enough?

SteppedOut's picture

SS has done more to YOUR daughter. How much? How long are you going to allow your daughter to have to grow up with someone that is abusive to her? And your husband is complaining SS isn't being treated fair? 

When are YOU going to get to a point enough is enough? A parent's #1 job is to keep their children safe. 

 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I totally agree! What is your deal omg he stepped on your daughters private! Yea RED FLAG ! I'm on you mothers side seriously get the boy

some help! 

Classylady's picture

During the summer BD went on vacation and when she came back her game system went missing. All of us went looking for her game system and it turned out SS took it to school and gave it to someone else. Thankfully a teacher saw it and was able to describe it to a tee so we were able to get it back. 

ndc's picture

And you're still trying to convince your mother to watch SS?  Good grief, in her shoes I'd be keeping SS as far away from your DD as I could.  Physically harming her and stealing her stuff would be enough for me (as a step-grandmother, not necessarily as a SM) to write him off.

ndc's picture

You should not expect anything of her other than being polite and cordial to SS.  I would not expect her to babysit him, to take him places, or to do for him as she does for your bios.  Frankly, if I were a grandparent, I would not want to watch a kid with behavior issues who had stomped on my grandchild's private area, either.

TwoOfUs's picture

I mean...if he's stomping on privates when his actual father and the mother of the abused child are in the home...perhaps your mom is worried he'd do much worse when it's a non-biologically related woman in charge. I wouldn't want to watch a kid that I thought wouldn't listen to me, either. Especially if that kid was violent.

Rags's picture

His status as a COD and whatever he has experienced does not excuse his violence and thieving crap. Your mother has not changed. She is still loving and accepting of her family which does not include your violent and thieving SS.

Lets look at his violent and thieving choices without the emotion of his past.

- This violent toxic spawn brought to your marriage by your DH stomped on your daughter's genitals.

- This violent toxic spawn has repeatedly targeted your daughter and stolen her things.

Rather than come down on his son like a ton of crap in a one pound bag your DH is whining about your mother not forgiving, forgetting and accepting his dangerous child.

At least GrandMa is focused on the safety of your daughter.

When are you going to get on board with your mother's perspective, protect your own daughter and get this toxic spawn out of  your home and away from your daughter?

Jcksjj's picture

How old were the kids when the stomping thing happened? If he was pretty little and it was an isolated thing I dont think writing him off is fair. 

I do agree with the others that your mom cant very expected to do anything. But that's because I don't think you should expect anything of a grandparent- they arent (typically) responsible for bio gkids either. But then at the same time since you are the mom you do have the right to tell her that it isnt going to work for your household to only send some of the kids to her house so you wont be sending the other kids either. Bottom line is, it's really your call as the parent. 

notarelative's picture

Does SS never go anywhere with his maternal grandparents or other relatives?

Does DH insist that his family treat your daughter the same as his son? Do his parents take your daughter every time they take his son? 

In a blended family there will always be times that step siblings visit relatives without the other.

Gimlet's picture

I'm going to say this the nicest way I know how.

As a stepparent, you are likely to put up with a certain amount of bullcrap.  The amount and severity of that is up to you.  You can choose to stay or leave, and you can choose how you address it.

Your child has no say in the matter and one place where you positively, absolutely NEED to draw the line is when that bullcrap is impacting her. 

You have another child with this man and one more on the way.  He's clearly an ineffective father and it's weighing on your daughter, who I read is 9. Your SS is also 9, but you now have him full time because his mother can't manage him.  

If I were your mother, I wouldn't be so nice about this.  Your first job as a parent is to ensure the safety of your children, and to make sure they feel secure and safe at home.  Your SS has abused your daughter and ruined events for her.  That is not fair to her at all.  I would bet grandma is feeling pretty mama bear about this and I don't blame her one bit.  It's too bad that SS has had some rough times, but making excuses for him helps exactly no one. 

Your husband needs to get his son in SERIOUS therapy NOW.  I read on your other post that he has not done that.  This would be a hill to die on for me.  Either your husband gets it together, gets his son help, and stops making the home a miserable place for your daughter and mutual children, or you are going to get a separate residence and give your kids some peace.  You cannot count on BM taking him back.  He can always boomerang and without the proper help, he will never get better. 

Another alternative is to give your DD's dad more time so she isn't subjected to this environment, but that doesn't help your littles.  

Siemprematahari's picture

Your mom is still the same loving and caring person that she’s always been and personally, I don’t blame her for not wanting to stay with SS. He’s been abusive to your daughter and has stolen from her. This child is deeply troubled and your H has not taken action to get him help. I’m mind boggled that your H feels away that your mother doesn’t want to stay with him.

Is SS’s behavior not enough of a red flag as to why maybe NO ONE would want to be with him? With that being said, I wouldn’t question your mother but rather question why your H doesn’t take charge and get his son the help he so desperately needs.

Hastings's picture

As others have said, your mother is under no obligation to do anything for your SS. Actually, she's not really under obligation to her bio grandkids either. That's always up to the grandparents if and how much they're involved.

It sounds like there are definitely extenuating circumstances. Whether or not your SS had been abusive to your DD, you say he has behavioral problems and is a handful. Why would ANYBODY want to put up with that? I babysat a couple of problem kids in my teen years and I did NOT get paid enough. It's hell -- especially when it's someone else's kid so you can't discipline effectively.

Add to that the responsibility and the liability should something go wrong.

Classylady's picture

Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I know that my mother is still loving and caring. I just thought that that would translate to everyone. DH's parents accepts my daughter and includes her in anything on regards to the children. However, they are out of state so it is very limited. As far as getting him into counseling, DH has finally taken the steps to get that done. Along with that BM wants SS to come back to live with her by the end of this school year, but from the looks of it he will be going sooner. As far as making sure something gets done DH and I have unfortunately gotten into plenty of arguments because of SS and it has been difficult. It has come to this point and I can only hope either things get better within a short time frame or I take my children and leave. 

Husband's wife's picture

My parents met DH's son only once, at our wedding.

This is it.

They would never have this kid, offer him gifts or even ask about him. They were against me marrying someone with a kid, and I understand them now, having my own daugther. I would never wish her this f**g life.

To make this short, your parents are not obliged anyhow to see, recognize or anything else related to the SKs.