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New here: Stepmom and hating it.

CrazyinColorado's picture

Hi all!
I have read through this forum a time or two looking for advice or just somewhere to go to help me know that I am not the only one having issues!
Let me preface this by saying that I do have a bio daughter, whom I raised by my lonesome for the most part.
Now, I also have a boyfriend who I've been with for many years and I CANNOT STAND HIS SON. His son is three, will be four in January and he is THE WORST child I've ever encountered. If it's not for his EXTREME picky eating, then it's the tantrums and the constant crying. He breaks things. He hurts the animals. He talks back. He throws things.
Yes, three year olds are hard, period. But by god, this one has me at my limit. I have babysat many children in my lifetime and I am used to the toughies.
After watching him or being around him for a few minutes, I want to strangle him or go throw myself through a window (probably the latter). My daughter (who is five) complains that he's a brat and won't even play with him half the time.
When we have to go get him from his BM, my daughter gets grumpy and tells me that she hates when he comes over. My house turns into utter CHAOS.
He won't eat ANYTHING. His BM gives him whatever he desires (candy, pbj, ice cream, chips, etc.) but no real food. I love to cook and I generally make kid friendly meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My daughter eats it no problem. He will stuff his food into his cheek and hold it there, and literally make himself gag on things and puke! It's insane!!
He can't do anything. Doesn't know the difference between colors, he can't dress himself, he's still in diapers, you can't understand anything he says half the time.. The list goes on and on. We try to curb everything at our house. We try to help him start being a little more independent with dressing etc, but it's all for not. He just comes back the same.
I just found out I'm pregnant, and the hormones alone are making me so crazy being around him that I literally crawl into bed when my bf gets home from work (and his son is here) and I'll cry myself dry just because I am sooooo frustrated. I don't know what to do anymore.
I hope this doesn't sound like I am just being silly. I'm not trying to complain. I just hit my wits end. I dread him coming over. I cringe just hearing his voice.
It doesn't help that the BM is psycho!! She constantly brings me up into the conversations when my bf is trying to discuss their son. She's mean, vindictive and manipulates their child. I have tried to take her to coffee, as I will be around her child, but she wants nothing to do with it. My daughters father and I don't like each other, but we are civil and kind to each other as best we can be for my daughters sake, but she'll straight up tell my SS that his dad is selfish, etc. I get along with my ex's girlfriend because that's what's best for my daughter but this BM is just crazy! I mean it doesn't have to be everyone's cup of tea, but at least TRY for your child's sake.
Bah, please please please understand! ugh. lol.
Thanks for reading.

Anon2009's picture

This kid needs some serious psychological help if he's hurting animals.

You dislike this kid. What about your bf? What effort is he making on his son's behalf to get him professional help? Has he called CPS on bm if he feels the child is in danger? Has he mentioned this to bm? If he's mentioned it without success (or even if he hasn't) he needs to get a judge to order that this child get intense help. He should also call CPS on bm if he feels the child is being abused, neglected, living with criminals, and/or living in filth.

You yourself should think about counseling. Maybe even leaving. If he's hurting animals, what's to say he won't hurt you and/or your kids if his many issues go unaddressed?

CrazyinColorado's picture

I agree.

He has tried to bring him to places to get help for him, but the BM is crazy controlling and loses it everytime he does something like that. Then he tries to talk to her about it and it turns into a HUGE ordeal with her screaming.

The BM is by no means filthy or inattentive, it's more her lack of understanding the whole picture and not just saying "he's only three and just a kid."

I am going to go to counseling. This is hurting my relationship. I didn't even want to come home yesterday. I literally felt this sick feeling in my gut driving back to my house knowing he'd be there.

CrazyinColorado's picture

Maybe I just feel he should be more developmentally there... Like, trying to get dressed. My daughter did all of these things when she was only three.

CrazyinColorado's picture

How can you not compare children? It's a natural thing to do. I don't expect him to be exactly the same as what my child did, at all. He came from an entirely different household. I just want what's best for him as well as the rest of us. I don't want him coming to his dads house to be a difficult process. It makes it hard on everyone. That's why there's certain expectations there. And I think that's completely understandable.

lil_lady's picture

I know sometimes we do compare however kids are developmentally different... ss2 is still in a crib he hasn't even tried to climb out he still loves it. That doesn't mean I judge him because he is still comfertable in a crib... also girls and boys develop at different times. Girls typically potty train earlier then boys... some dont. I think Echo just means to say all kids are different and it isnt really fair to compare the two.Different kids have different skills and will be stronger at different things that doesn't change whether 3 or 30.

Disneyfan's picture

If your feelings are thisbstrong about a three year old, why stay?

The best thing for you, your daughter and the poor kid is to end this relationship.

BM not going out to coffee with you is a good thing. Stop trying to engage her.

CrazyinColorado's picture

Because I love my boyfriend and that's important enough for me to grin and bear it. I haven't tried to do anything (speak with her or otherwise) in over a year, because it's not worth it

CrazyinColorado's picture

The problem with this is that this is a long distance parenting arrangement. They live really far from each other so the kiddo isn't with my boyfriend as often as he'd like. Which means, anything being done or not being done at BM's is happening here too. Not really my boyfriend's fault in my eyes. He tries to discipline but it's hard to change a kid's ways, his daily "routine" in just a week.

asnoraford's picture

I think you've come to the right place for understanding, and I've been through a thing or two with crazy bio moms! If you are looking for advice - here's what I can say. Your bf and you need to get on the same page when it comes to some major rules and expectations in the house. What are going to be your top three (Rome wasn't built in one night), what will be your response, the consequence for the behavior and the follow up for him learning the behavior that you want. Think about what you really need to see change right away, especially for the sake of your bk. If this child is violent towards other living things (animals) you may have a bigger problem that what the two/three of you can handle. Seek professional help. They will be able to work with the child and suggest that the parents get involved which will at least open a dialogue between the adults that can't seem to get on the same page and help everyone to see what is developmentally appropriate. Don't try to communicate with the BM - it is not your fight. Your boyfriend should be the point person to all those communications. While you can offer suggestions, listen, and offer other forms of support, that is his ex, not yours.

You should know that a child with extreme behaviors that can't adjust to the new relationship is one of the biggest reasons for families like ours to end. But you haven't said how the communication between you and your bf is and what you've tried together so far. But I wouldn't make any life-changing decisions right now. I am almost 27 weeks pregnant with our first "joint" child too, and I can tell you that my hormones have failed me on more than one occasion.

Good luck.

CrazyinColorado's picture

I think you're right. We have talked about it, but never have we gone as far as laid down an actual structure and I think that will be a HUGE improvement.
He does take my being overwhelmed when his kid is here to heart and told me this morning that he gets overwhelmed with it too. It's hard when he can't have a civil conversation with his ex because she is just soooo hateful.
Darn pregnancy and hormones!!! Ah!

Bojangles's picture

This is a really hard situation, made harder by the fact that you are now pregnant and about to ramp up your commitment to your BF and to this family unit. What is the visitation schedule? Does he spend more time with BM than with dad? Is he is pre-school or Nursery? And how hands on is your BF in parenting and practical childcare when SS is at yours?

It's difficult to see how things could be improved dramatically h if SS3's mum has more custody and her parenting approach is contributing to the behaviour. Realistically a 3-4 year old is too young to understand and conform to different parenting standards and household styles between two homes, most children are still testing boundaries and regularly acting out at that age, the difference in expectations and discipline will just leave a chasm for bad behaviour to flourish, as well as leaving him confused, angry and upset. Some of the stuff you describe, like not being dry, and not being able to dress himself, aren't that unusual at that age. My son is 4 and a half and only over the last 4 or 5 months has he really taken responsibility for getting himself dressed, prior to that he was able but often unwilling. My daughter picked up those skills much earlier. But chances are SS is going to be held back in terms of development if his mother isn't bring him on.

Ideas:
Leave BF to handle the parenting, and the frustration, maybe get him on a parenting course or get some useful books to help him, and focus on your own daughter
Maybe BF could try to find some kind of activity he could do with SS out of the house to develop skills and independence, and give you a break
Maybe he could try to increase his time with SS to increase the time he has to influence him, even if it's just seeing him for a couple of hours after work
If SS is not in nursery or pre-school then it may help his behaviour when he starts as it will provide more routine, consistency and age appropriate expectation

CrazyinColorado's picture

That's exactly it. I should have written it in my OP. My bf only gets one weekend a month, all school holidays, four weeks in the summer, etc. It's a crappy thing, because it's very inconsistent for my SS and it does make me feel badly for him that it's such a different structure here. His BM is hardly ever home, she works a lot (which is fine) but he's always bounced around between her family and an apparent daycare that she has him in (and won't put my bf on the pick up list, even with the orders of a judge). We have gone to court, we have put her in contempt, we have done everything we could to get her to just comply. There are times when she denies parenting time to my bf and on several occasions when my bf is trying to talk to my SS on the phone, she will get on with the child sitting right there and start flipping out and calling my bf selfish for wanting to spend more time with his son. It's verrrry frustrating. We have had him this whole week, and my daughter went to her dad's yesterday, so I decided to get out of the house and take a breather. It did seem to help some, but I dread coming home when he's here. It sucks, because my heart goes out to the little guy because it's gotta be confusing to deal with all of this and being stuck in this place where your mom expects you to mind her and not your father.

Unfreakingreal's picture

The way Skids behave at the BMs house doesn't necessarily have to be how they are allowed to behave at yours. My SD13 is terrible at BMs but in my house she does what she is told and behaves like is expected of her. I've been in her life since she was born, she comes over EOW. It was NOT easy, but we did get her to follow our rules. Sounds like a nightmare. Welcome to our crazy step world.

CrazyinColorado's picture

I'm hoping as he gets older, it gets easier for all of us, including him. It has been a complete nightmare.

mssd's picture

Maybe the child doesnt know how to show and receive love since, as you say, his BM isn't there to show it. I have two daughters and soon a SD and I'm having a hard time accepting her as well and I compare her to mine as well and I know I should'nt. Its very hard sometimes to accept someone who isn't yours but eventually he will come around and accept your love. Hang in there Smile