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Stepson and his mother just moved back to town

kkmommy92's picture

So here is some background on the situation. My stepson previously lived out of state with his mother so we had him every summer and weekends when our work schedules allowed us to go get him (bm never helped with pick ups and drop offs). Now they have moved back to the town where my husband and I live, so of course my husband is trying to see his son more. My husband works up to 6 days a week and I am a stay at home mom for the time being with our 7 week old baby. Due to the stress of having a new baby, being a full time college student, and dealing with the grief of my grandmother just passing away, I told my husband I am not comfortable having SS by myself right now, so he only gets his son on days that he is off work. Is this wrong of me and should I be more willing to help my husband with his son? This is not a permanent thing, just a for now thing since emotionally I am having a hard time. And SS is really hard to deal with... he's extremely rude and ungrateful. 

tog redux's picture

NO, it's not wrong. Good for you for setting that limit and stick with it, even when you are doing better. The son is coming to visit his father - your DH can pick him up after work and drop him at daycare (don't know how old he is) or school or back to BM during the day.  You signed on to be a SAHM for your own child, NOT HIS.  His son has a mother, she should have him if DH is not home.

Harry's picture

SS is at your home to see DH not you.  No reason for SS to be at your home if DH is not there.  I would make my stand on this.  Just make sure you stick to it .

Rags's picture

Not wrong at all.

I would also inform DH that half of his days off belong to you and the new baby so the three of you can develop your own family dynamic.  SS can integrate into that dynamic on an EODO basis.

Blended families are not about all Skid all of the time.

kkmommy92's picture

I have wanted to bring that up as well, because I know my husband is going to pick up his son every single day that he has off. Which you're right, that leaves no time for us as a couple or to spend time just the 3 of us with the baby. I doubt my husband will understand though. It was much easier to navigate when SS lived in a different state honestly.

Rags's picture

Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a career move and a relo.  Hey, we go where the opportunities are the best to provide for our families.  Right?


kkmommy92's picture

We live in our hometown, but I've never wanted to stay here forever, so I am hoping when I go back to work later this year I find a job in another town!!

kkmommy92's picture

Thanks for the reassurance y'all! My husband has also expressed that he would like to have SS (8) the whole summer again, even though his BM now lives in the same town as us. I don't think it is fair for me to have to take SS back and forth to summer camp every single day, feed him every single day, entertain him all weekend, while BM just relaxes all summer. This will be the first summer I haven't had to work since I started working, so I would like to take many trips to visit out of town relatives so they can meet my baby. I get the reason that my husband wants SS to spend a lot of time with us because BM is not a great parent for a lot of reasons. But I end up being SS's primary caregiver and after doing it last summer while working, I just don't want to do it again this summer. 

tog redux's picture

Absolutely not. He doesn't get to make a decision like that and just expect you to go along with being his primary caretaker and have no say in it.

I can't imagine BM would agree to it anyway, but in the off chance that she would, get ahead of it and tell DH that won't work for you anymore. He can take a couple of weeks off from work and SS can come then.

I will say though - if he has to work 6 days to support you while you stay at home, this is going to be a tough sell.  Do you plan to return to work?

kkmommy92's picture

BM will definitely agree to it- she doesn't like keeping her son when there is no school. She had us keep him every single time there was a school break, even while they were living out out state.

And I wouldn't ask him to take time off to spend with his son. I don't mind doing a 50/50 thing over the summer with BM or something like that. But there is no reason for us to keep him the entire summer. I tried to tell my husband this last night and he doesn't understand. His argument is that he has always kept his son all summer, regardless of BM living in state or out of state, so he has to keep doing it. He thinks I should be taking care of SS just like he is my own child. And at first, I did take care of him in that way, so I guess my husband is mad that I am changing it. But SS has changed in the way he has treated me (in a bad way), and lots of other life circumstances have changed as well!

tog redux's picture

If you are willing to do 50/50, that's more than fair. All summer is for long distance non-custodial parents. If BM is in town, no need to do that.

Rags's picture

So, inform DH that if he chooses to have SS all summer that he has to put SS in camp so that  you can have this summer with your new baby and visit family as you choose.  SS in in camp until DH gets home every day.

Again, blended families are not about all Skid all of the time. Particularly when the Skids are not full time residents in the blended home.  The full time residents of the home have to have focus and dedicated time together as well.

IMHO the best option since BM has moved to within a standard visitation distance is for the EODO to stick over the summer as well.  Either way, DH needs to deal with SS's visitation while you and the baby have your first summer together witj half of DH's available time for the three of you together with the other half adding SS to the mix..

Mandy45's picture

Nope just put your foot down your just had a baby your a new mother you want to enjoy your child while you can before you go back to work or whatever. If he wants to see his son that all fine but he has to do it on his time. 

Just because your looking after one child and your a mum now. Doesn't mean you instantly have to look after every child in the village. 

That the thing with men they see you carrying a kid under your arm. Think you got nothing better to do then to mother every kid that come along. Maybe more so in step blended families.