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Denver Mama's picture

I have a 16 yr old SDm I have had her for 9 years.  I have a 9-1/2 yr old son, and my husband and I have a 2 yr old.  My son adores my husband, he is the only dad he has ever known.  For years my SD and I were close, and we saw here every  other weekend and more when she didnt have school (she went to school right across from where her mom lives) but her mom "took" her and we only saw her for 2-3 days a month for a few years and when she came back she seemed to hate me as much as her mom does, her mom has done some truly awful things and is a real piece of work.  When her mom had her she was cared for mostly by grandma and babysat her little sister contstantly.  At our house she used to have some responsilbilities like helping to pick up and clean kitchen but we never ask her to baby sit because she hates it and she does not take good care of them.  2 years ago she came to live with us, for the end of her 8th grade year I drove her all the way back and forth to school (I was home on maternity leave) and things were pretty good, I felt like I got my daughter back.  Then when she started 9th grade she stayed with us full time to go to a better school by our house.  I had always called her my daughter and she even referred to me as Mom.  I was constantly inviting her friends over for dinner, I treated her just like I always had, like my daughter. She has ALWAYS been spoiled rotten and allowed to do whatever she wants to.  This has been the biggest point of contention in my relationship with mny husband because I do not agree with it at all.  My sons have rules, she just doesnt.  She also has had a problem with honesty over the years.  I have tried my hardest to treat her lovingly and do anything I can to help her, but never enable her.  Her biggest problem with me is that I try to enforce values and rules on her, her dad never backs me up. 

She spent the summer before this school year with her mom, and came back an absolute terror.  She lies constantly she is rude and ungrateful.  She told her mom I always complain about having to pick her up from school (Not true - I would be there waiting for her and she wouldnt be there! Never bothered to tell me she got a ride etc) told her I wont let her eat, - all kinds of crap that is totally untrue.  There was an emergency situation and the daycare lady had to leave 2 hours early, it was a Friday and the kids did not have school so we asked her to watch the boys for the 2 hrs and 15 min before I got home.  I found out later that night that she took my then 18 month old in a truck with her boyfriend with no seatbelt and left my son alone and told him to lie.  She denied it, then finally copped telling us she didnt care and so what and was so disrepectful.  My husband would not back me up on punishment and I feel like he is hugely responsible for the way she acts towards me which he now scknowledges and has tried to talk to her but tells me shes a lost cause and she says she doesnt care about me or anyone else. She has always been spoiled and somewhat dishonest, now she is the epitome of a spoiled selfish ungrateful brat.  She wont eat most of what I cook, if she does, she wont eat with me.  She wont talk to me and when she does she is rude.  I keep trying to reach out to her and it just kills me the way she disrespects me. My husband keeps telling me he doesnt know what to do, and its not like he can kick her out.  I hate to say it but I want her out!  I cant stand the thought of living like this until she is 18 or worse - maybe longer!  I hate waking up and remembering she is there!  I feel uncomfortable in my own home.  I keep trying to remember she is a child and Jesus wants me to love her but she is such a negative force in our home I just struggle and cry daily.  I just had a miscarriage and her presence just made everything that much worse. I dont knwo what to do, I know my husband failed to back me up before and I think it doesnt matter what her does now, she doesnt respect me.  I know he tries to talk to her and I can hear her bratty selfish responses.  I know teenagers are hard but I cant stand it what can I do??? Please help I am loosing it. 


Harry's picture

Do nothing for her. Do NOT cook, Do not take her anywhere, Do not give her money, Do not take her on Vacation   Do not even look at her.  You cook for your DH and your Bios if SD does not like it it’s PB&J.  If she makes it to school and back not your concern. Any medical thing not your concern.  Her personal supplies Not your concern. That why she has a. BF.   He wants her, he can have her 

StepMamaBear6's picture

I would totally disengage.  No cooking, driving, laundry, NOTHING.  I wouldn't attempt to talk to her and I wouldn't ask DH to talk to her on your behalf.  If she addresses you, you remind her that you only engage with people who treat you kindly and until she is willing to do so, you are not going to communicate with her.  

Frankly,  I would request that your husband develop an exit strategy for her.  If she can't be polite and respectfully, she goes or you go with your two kids.  Living Apart Together.