You are here

Unique Situation

kkmommy92's picture
Forums: 

So my stepfamily situation is a bit unique due to the fact that SS (8) is not DH's biological father. BM cheated on DH and got pregnant, and DH chose to stay with her and raise SS as his own. However, BM still put the bio father on the birth certificate, put him on child support, and encourages him to see SS. BD didn't care to see SS much until recently, and now BM is complaining because she feels like it's too much stress on her having to make sure SS gets to spend time with DH and BD. So her solution is that DH don't be in SS life anymore since BD is the legal father anyway. However, SS doesn't even like to go with BD, but he asks to come to our house all the time. 
 

I'm so tired of BM and everything she has put DH and I through. She freaks out and yells every time she doesn't get what she wants, like when we didn't invite her to our wedding, or when she asked DH to cook on the grill at her baby shower and he said no (it's her new husband's child!!). She literally used to stalk me and sit outside my job and my house (before I moved in with DH), she blows up my phone whenever she feels like it about the most trivial things. Not to mention that I don't have the greatest relationship with SS, even though I have tried so hard to be an amazing stepmom. He's downright mean to me and ungrateful for absolutely everything I do for him. He says mean things about my son that was just born in January. He's even mean to my parents and sister!!
 

I feel so awful saying this, but deep down a part of me thinks it would be such a relief if we didn't see SS anymore and didn't have to deal with BM. I know that's very wrong, because it would hurt DH and SS so bad. How can I better support my husband in this situation and be there for him when I'm so tired of dealing with it myself? I'm just scared I'm going to say the wrong thing to him by accident and reveal my true feelings. This would really hurt our relationship because he does not play at all when it comes to SS. 

Rags's picture

Look, this is a POS manipulative crotch donor of a toxic kid that you have zero business providing access to your child or your family for.   Whether your DH wants to have a relationship with the kid or not.

That your DH has not completely shut this POS woman down and not controlled this child that he cares about but instead introduced this unrelated toxic breeding experiment into your life and family is nauseating.  Time to give DH clarity and purge both his X and this unrelated kid from your lives.  Unless your DH gets over his odd case of Cranio-Rectitis and starts to put his marriage and family first.

Keep this kid away from your young child and from your extended family. End of problem.

kkmommy92's picture

I thought I was a horrible person for wanting BM and SS out of our lives forever but it feels good to know it's not such an outlandish idea after all. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"DH, I won't tolerate BM using her son as a pawn in whatever sick game she plays with you and BD. As much as you may care about SS, I won't have him around BS and myself. I won't allow BS to think of him as a brother, and have him watch SS treat me disrespectfully, only to have BM play tug-of-war with him with you.

So, from now on, if you feel that you need to continue your relationship with SS, it's outside this home and it doesn't involve BS. You've allowed this situation to get out of hand to feed your own emotions and haven't paid any mind to how it is affecting our son who may lose his brother, me who is treated poorly, and SS who is constantly being yanked and thrusted into different men's lives. It's unbelievably selfish of you to allow BM to use him in this way and participate in this sick game. He has a BD and a SF, and neither of those men is you.

You have to drop the rope in this game right now. If you won't, then you play this stupid game outside this home and not involve us. I know this is painful for you, but I'm not going to be dragged into your pain any longer. It can end, you won't end it, so I'm putting myself at a distance. You've left me with no other option."

Then BLOCK BM from everything. And think long and hard about what you'll tolerate from your DH in regards to this behavior. It's wholly unfair to your mutual son that he give up time and energy to a kid that he has ZERO legal rights or responsibilities to.

tog redux's picture

This is crazy- DH is his stepfather, and rarely do these relationships continue after a divorce.

I know your DH feels he would be letting his SS down, but he can see him outside of the home if he wants. The truth is, BM just wants a free babysitter, and if DH sets any limits on that, he will never see his SS again.  So his choice is to make BM happy, or make you happy. He can't have both.

And I'm here to say - we were the stable ones for my SS, and that did not work. He's still a hot mess, his mother's influence was much larger than ours.

Harry's picture

This kid has a father and mother. DH isn't one of them.  He has no rights to or about this kid.  He must understand it's over.  Unfortunately the ex cheating on him did not do it,  your DH needs help. He needs to see someone 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

When your DH and BM got divorced is the child mentioned at all in the divorce decree? If your DH really wanted to continue the relationship with SS he might have grounds for visitaton with SS. 1. If he accepted the child was not his, but continued to act as a father and pay for the child, 2. If the child is at all mentioned in their divorce decree, etc. 

If my bf and I felt the right decision would of been to continue to be in the child's life after the rights were taken away, we would of had a chance at visitation, but BM could never get child support from my bf. We decided the best option for everyone was to stop the games and not get any visitation or anything at all. The only mention of the child at all in bf's divorce decree is that BM had another child during the marriage and bf is not the biological father nor had he adopted her so is not part of the decree. In the PSA, the child's name was mentioned, but in the actual divorce decree, the child is not mentioned at all because there is no visitation, no rights, nothing.

Your BM is a POS like my bf's daughter's mom is. Totally disgusting how these BM's get away with it all without any consquences.

kkmommy92's picture

I don't believe DH can get any type of rights to SS unless BF signed away his parental rights due to the fact that DH and BM weren't married when SS was born. They didn't get married until SS was over a year old. I know that DH tried to adopt SS during their marriage but BF didn't agree so I don't know if this affects anything. 
 

I love DH so much and I know he truly loves SS like a son but he just can't seem to see that this situation doesn't have a happy ending. Even though she has remarried BM can't handle the fact that DH finally moved on from her (even though it's been years) and she has told me herself that she believes DH would be nicer to her and do more for her if it wasn't for me. As if he owes her anything! I'm just so torn between trying to support my husband and his decisions and doing what I think is right. SS calls DH daddy and doesn't call BF anything and he already loves my son so much. Either way, everyone involved is going to be hurt.