I don't like my stepkids.
There, I said it.
I feel like a terrible, horrible stepparent for saying so, but it's the harsh truth that I go through pains to hide from my SO (significant other) and the kids. SO and I have 50/50 custody with the other biological parent. Long story short, the kids spend a lot of time with their Grandparents who spoil the hell out of them. The kids have an entitlement problem that leaves me embarassed to be around them. We live in a small town, so we run into the Grandparents often while in stores.
The children will literally run to the nearest toy when they see their grandparents, pick it up, then run to them and ask them to buy it. It is humiliating the way they act. It's not "hi grandparents, I love you." It's "buy this for me, I want it." No please, no thank you, no pleasantries. And the Grandparents will want to do it! The only time we've let this happen is during a holiday run in. Every time they do it, we chew them out. They don't care, though. They aren't young enough for this to be considered cute or something they'll grow out of. They have both expressed that they can't wait to grow up so Grandparents will pay for each of them to have an appartment. Grandparents don't have that kind of money- they are by no means well off. The kids have this mentality because Grandparents pay for everything (rent, food, toys, clothes, transportation, bills) that their other bio parent needs. They have no desire to work for anything. Doing chores? Ha! Homework? Struggle. It's all take, take, take with them, and try as we might, SO and I cannot get them to unnderstand that what they want is not realistic or possible and that they actually need to work, because when they're not here, that reality is covered with rose lenses.
I know it's unfair to dislike my stepkids, but they are an embarassment to me. They have no desire to be responsible (they're old enough where it's completely reasonable to expect the beginnings of independence and responsibility on their part) or even loving children. They're nasty more often than not and I'm sick of them making demands. We have never given in to that attitude, so they simply wait it out until they are back at other bio parents house where they can get away with it.
Thank you for letting me get it off of my chest.
I feel the exact same way. I
I feel the exact same way.
I think you pretty much described my SD11.
The way I see it is you love your SO , but it's so unfair to be expected to love their children as much as them. That would be like saying you have to love their parents as much as your real parents because that's half of them. Or love their brothers and sisters equal to them because that is what they are completely made of. Sadly it doesn't work that way!
It took me a while to come to terms with how I feel ,but it sure feels good just to let it out and be free of it!
Just know you are a good person in a hard place
Don't worry, you're among
Don't worry, you're among friends
I don't like my s/kids either! I've said it on lots of occasions. I have ceased feeling bad about it. It's just fact.
Anyways, I actually think this solution to this problem needs to start with a talk to the grandparents. They are the ones paying for everything. I think you guys should sit down with them and explain that even though you love how they want to give to their grandkids, that you feel like it's giving them a sense of entitlement and..well..greed. If they were to stop their buying sprees, the kids would eventually stop asking.
My s/kids have an extreme sense of entitlement too, thanks to their responsibility-offputting mother. For instance, SD10 and SS8 got kicked off the bus because they were constantly disobeying the bus driver, back talking, and were so verbally vile they weren't allowed near the younger kids on the bus. Their mother, when she found out, said DH needed to call the school and complain about how the bus driver talked to the kids and that they shouldn't have gotten kicked off for something "so minor".
Ridiculous.
Thank you guys for your
Thank you guys for your comments. It is so nice to be able to read the stories of other people and be in a community of those who understand.
We've had many talks with Grandparents. We can't get them to change their behavior, and we can't enforce our parenting when the kids aren't with us. It sucks- there's really nothing we can do without the other bio parent being on the same page as us, and we couldn't have a more different parenting philosophy.
By any chance, does your wife
By any chance, does your wife know how you feel? The reason I ask this, is b/c as a biological mother, I would want to know this. As much as itwouldcrush me to know that the SF of my kids hated them, I think itwould be important to know.
My daughter is spoiled by my parents, but I can honestly say, not to the extent your SKs are. My daughter is very appreciative of what they do for her, and they do set limits, and she doesn't alway get what she wants. My parents have provided not just toys and crap, but a constant source of comfort for my daughter. They've lived in the same house, while I have moved many times, and gotten remarried, and her BF has moved, had an on again off again relationship that is toxic, and is currently out of her life.
Regarding your in-laws, my guess is, their answer will be something along the lines of "we feel bad for them", or "they have it so rough". I know there is no real solution here, and the irony is that their generation are the ones who complain about kids today.
When my daughter went back and forth to her BF house, we hadn't control of her behavior and rules. I gett that too.
Is this the only reason you hate them? Being new here, I don't have a backstory. But is this a new-found hate? How long have you been in their lives? Have you happened to look all around, and noticed the spoiled and entitled thing is not isolated to your step kids? Not saying it should be acceptable, but it is a widespread generational issue. Also, Did you hate them before you married your wife? Are they at an unbearable age (teen-agers)? Just curious to know.
Ellison: No, my SO doesn't
Ellison: No, my SO doesn't know how I feel, but I think they have a faint idea. I have toyed with the idea of admitting how I truly feel about the kids, but... It's not a deal-breaker for me, if you know what I mean. I think it would be more harm than good to say anything about it at this point in our lives. In the future, if things just get too out of control, I'd definitely need to get it out there.
I do not like their attitude. They are unappreciative and demanding and rude. If it doesn't personally benefit them, they will fight to not have to do it. If they're forced to do it (homework and chores are their only responsibilities here), they will complain to their grandparents who in turn, bitch to us about "being too hard on them" or "not letting them just be kids." The version of the story the grandparents give is usually ridiculously tainted by the perspective of a child (they are early teens) and when confronted with the whole side, they appologize for yelling at us and then still tell us we're being bad parents. While I am grateful for what they provide for the kids, I would cut them out of the lives of our children in a heartbeat if SO and I had the fortune of full-time custody. Their other bio parent may need grandma and grandpa to pay the bills, but we do not. I KNOW the kids would be better off physically and emotionally here.
As for spoiled and entitled not being isolated for my stepkids, that's true. There are a ton of shitty kids out there. There are also a lot of decent kids out there, though. I want my kids to be decent. They are not. They are going to grow up to be terrible people because they've decided to make their role model the parent who doesn't care. I would really like to put them into therapy/counselling, but we need consent from both parents, and the other one won't do it and I just cannot manage to navigate the internet to find affordable options that will fit our schedule and obsticles with the lack of cooperation with the other parent.
I've been a part of their lives for about four years. They've always been this way. I never really truly liked them. I had more hope for them when I first became a part of their lives, thinking that it was just age-related, but it's not. The environment they are at when at the other parents house just encourages bad behavior.
I know it's hard to understand the full story. I try my best to find reasons to enjoy being in their company, to give them the best experiences, and to keep them engaged in life. I know that on paper, I'm a fantastic parent. But emotionally, there's no connection. The oldest stepkid says they are "neutral" in feelings in regards to both bio parents, me, grandparents, and extended family. The youngest stepkid says "I only like you when you do what I want." At first, I was trying to find my way into their heart. At this point, I'm just trying to make sure they have one.
Thank you for listening.