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Is it even worth it anymore?

BWard's picture
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I got married in May, and my DH has 2 sons. 1 is 12 years old and my DH has full costody of him (mother has no visitation) and then years after their divorce, he tried to get back with the ex and slept with her and she got pregnant and they now also have a 1 year old that she refuses to allow him to see because she's scared he will take the new baby from her because she is unfit. He has not seen this child since February, but he also hasn't attempted to see him either. 

When my DH and I first started dating, I lived closeby, so he would just leave his son with his grandmother (SS's great grandma) and come hang out with me, and my SS went to his mother's parents every weekend, so we had our weekends alone. I was rarely around him, and when he was around, it was only for fun activities so I just figured his behavior was due to him being excited. Little did I know that was as good as it gets with him. After raising my older children as a single mom with no help, I was shocked at how he was allowed to behave, but my DH just explained it off as he needed time to adjust and made every excuse in the book for him. When we got married, I moved in and figured that my DH would continue to care for his own child as he always had, and that we would slowly grow into this step-family situation... but I was so wrong. My DH immediately expected me to be this child's main care-giver and dumped all the responsibility of caring for his child on me. My DH wanted to sit back on his rear and for me to be HIS child's main caregiver. 

I was expected to wake up an hour earlier than I needed to leave for work to drive 25 miles each way to drive my SS to his great-grandmother's for her to put him on the school bus, rather than just having him get up when I would normally wake up and him wait on the porch at our house for 5 minutes alone to get on the bus (AT 12 YEARS OLD!!!). Then have to drive another 50 miles out of the way in the evening to do the same.... This put me driving over 200 miles a day costing me out of my own pocket for the extra gas, and the wear and tear on my vehicle. I was supposed to drive back to our barn to drop my SS off in the evenings to his dad at the barn to feed and care for his animals. Then go home and cook, clean, do laundry, care for animals at the house that were not mine, and basically do everything for BOTH my lazy husband and his entitled child. 

My SS at 12 years old had not 1 chore. He wasn't even made responsible to care for his own 4-H projects. He couldn't clean his own room, make his bed, fold clothes, fix his own plate... he could do absolutely nothing for himself. My nephew has autism and is 3 years younger than my SS and can physically do more or himself and is more independent. Yet, with his complete lack of effort to contribute to our household, my husband still insisted that he deserved a $50 per week allowance. His grades were horrendous and he was only points away from being failed for the school year and held back in the 6th grade. His conduct at school this past year was so bad that he was suspended multiple times for fighting (none of the other kids like him because he acts like the world owes him and he can't treat others with respect) and for lying to teachers and the principal. Yet his father refused to address his behavior and turned the blame on everyone else including teachers instead of holding his son even somewhat responsible. And the disrespect I've been shown by this child is far from desirable. Even our friends have chosen to not associate with us because of his behavior. I was never so embarassed as when we were outside talking with friends and my SS came running around the house screaming at his dad, who was talking to an adult, and his friend's wife was speaking to my husband, and he just turned around and walked off to talk to my SS about fishing. Nothing important, he wasn't injured, he wasn't dying... but felt that becaue the attention wasn't focused on him, that he would rudely inturupt. Of course my DH did nothing, and since then, these friends have had little to do with us and have mentioned my SS's behavior to everyone.  

One of the biggest issues is his lack of responsibility and accountability... he has show chickens, a calf, and 2 horses... none of which he takes care of. Over the past 6 months, we've had all his show rabbits die, several chickens, 2 calves... and his dad couldn't figure out what was happening to cause all of these animals to die... I figured it out quickly. He's lazy and doesn't make sure they are fed and watered, then LIES that he took care of them so that he can play or fish. At 12 years old this shouldn't be an issue. 

When I've tried to discuss these issues with my DH it's always a fight. His belief is that "disciplining a child is negative and you should never be negative toward your kids". I've tried to talk to my mother-in-law and she gave the excuse that we would push my SS away if we disciplined him. So the solution I guess is to allow him to manipulate us. I finally told my husband that if things didn't change that I would leave because I couldn't live with a 12 year old running our household. It blew up and he ended up hitting me. 

Since that day I've literally completely disengaged. I refuse to have anything to do with my SS. I refuse to take him anywhere, to even be in the same room with him. I go to work, race to the barn to feed only my horses, then go home and literally lock myself in our bedroom and am usually asleep before 7 pm before they get home. I haven't eaten at home, or even sat on the couch in 2 months. If my DH has to go pick my SS up from his grandparents, he has to go alone and in his own vehicle because I don't even want him in my car (he wrote on my leather with a marker at 12 years old, and stomped a BBQ sause packet into the floor under the floor mat staining up my carpet because I told him not to eat in my car). When he's gone on the weekends, my husband and I spend time together, and things are okay, but when he even mentions my SS's name, I get anxious and feel sick to my stomach. 

I've started looking for a place to live and a place to move my horses to. I just can't see that things would ever improve. 

 

tog redux's picture

I didn't need to read any further than your first paragraph.  DH went back to a woman he knew was an unfit mother, knocked her up again, and then left the baby with her?!

No, it's not worth it. 

ESMOD's picture

and hit OP.  Nope.. big ole NOPety nope nope.  Go see an attorney.. make arrangements quietly to gtfo.

hereiam's picture

Maybe you can get an annulment.

Definitely get the hell out of this dysfunction. The sooner, the better. And if he touches you again, call the police.

Evil3's picture

Oh hell no! It's not worth it! I can't get past your DH hitting you. That's a deal breaker for me.

I'm a horse lover and have had horses, so I totally understand loving them and wanting them, but I had to sell my babies so that I could escape a narcissistic abusive ex. I know of a lot of women who have animals in their lives and it's the animals that are the "reason" these women can't leave. I actually believe that it's a subconscious thing for women to make it so that they can't leave. If they can't leave, then they don't have to come to the decision to divorce. You are in an abusive situation. An intolerable situation. You are not in a place right now to have horses. They are holding you back from seeking asuylum (your own place) and getting away from your idiot DuH and SS. When I sold my babies, I wept like crazy, but I needed to rent an apartment pronto because my ex had resorted to shoving me. Once a man learns that he can get away with being physical, it escalates. Please re-home your babies and you can offer to volunteer to care for them so that you can visit them or you can buy them or other hourses down the road when you've built your life back up. Once I left my ex, I half-leased so that I'd never have to be responsible for finding board for horses again. I could go get my horsey essence and go home without a care in the world. Please consider these options. Also, the money you get from selling your horses will help you escape.

Please consider what I say. I know it's hard, but I also know what it's like to be trapped due to some emotional tie. I don't regret selling my horses in order to start over. I approved of my horses' new owners and my horses were very much loved and cared for.

MissTexas's picture

If you have nowhere to home them for now, I am sure there are rescue organizations who will foster them until you can find your footing.

Also with the show animals ending up dead, your horses could be siezed on an animal abuse charge. Charges could be pressed on the show animals dying. That is animal abuse and neglect. Many states are getting stricter on these.

As for the discipline issue...that (AND HIS DAD) is the PROBLEM. Discipline teaches, while PUNISHMENT humiliates. With discipline (expectations for behavior are taught and in place) punishment is seldom necessary. This kid sounds like he is a lost case, especially if DH is paying him for his poor behavior and grades. As much as I wish I could say the SS is the issue, your DH is THE ISSUE. It sounds like his mother also raised him the same exact way. What goes around comes around.

You owe him and his brat nothing. You're wearing your car out, and for what? I'm glad you finally disengaged and let DH be a dad. Not your problem!

Getting an anullment may seem appealing, but you will get no money or any financial backing. I would go for a divorce, especially if he's put his hands on you. You will win and do very well. Find a contingency family law attorney!

You need to get out as soon as possible,  the abuse will escalate.

Steptalker2's picture

I’ve glad you’ve started looking for a place to live and a place to move your horses to. It’s ok to get out of this situation. He’s too aligned with his kid. He doesn’t value you as  a partner. You’re lucky you didn’t have a kid with him. No ties. Hopefully you will one day just ghost them and have him served with papers on the same day you ghost them. 

Aniki's picture

LEAVE NOW.

Your abuser hit you and you went back. Believe me when I say that he will find it easier to hit you again. And again and again. Leave now while you are able to walk out the door. Do not wait to be carried out on a stretcher.

Harry's picture

Time to make plans to leave. ASAP

ybarra357's picture

I feel soooo sorry for those poor animals.  To die from neglect.  Please call the ASPCA. This is criminal.

Siemprematahari's picture

I've started looking for a place to live and a place to move my horses to. I just can't see that things would ever improve. 

Continue working on this exit plan ASAP. The sooner you leave the better off you'll be. Things will never change and living in these conditions will impact your mental and physical health. Your H put his hands on you. All bets are off and you need to go.

Wishing you well OP!

Rags's picture

OP, he hit you.  You should have shot him when he did that. No man of character hits his mate.  Ever. Self defense is your right and your responsibility in the face of abuse. Never tolerate it again.

Since you are past that point, move on.  And engage the police to destroy his life.  Send him to jail to pick up the soap in the showers for the lifers where violent wife beaters belong.  Put his ass in jail where violent criminals belong.  That way you don't have to look for an apartment.

Do not tolerate this abusive POS.