Is it even worth it anymore?
I got married in May, and my DH has 2 sons. 1 is 12 years old and my DH has full costody of him (mother has no visitation) and then years after their divorce, he tried to get back with the ex and slept with her and she got pregnant and they now also have a 1 year old that she refuses to allow him to see because she's scared he will take the new baby from her because she is unfit. He has not seen this child since February, but he also hasn't attempted to see him either.
When my DH and I first started dating, I lived closeby, so he would just leave his son with his grandmother (SS's great grandma) and come hang out with me, and my SS went to his mother's parents every weekend, so we had our weekends alone. I was rarely around him, and when he was around, it was only for fun activities so I just figured his behavior was due to him being excited. Little did I know that was as good as it gets with him. After raising my older children as a single mom with no help, I was shocked at how he was allowed to behave, but my DH just explained it off as he needed time to adjust and made every excuse in the book for him. When we got married, I moved in and figured that my DH would continue to care for his own child as he always had, and that we would slowly grow into this step-family situation... but I was so wrong. My DH immediately expected me to be this child's main care-giver and dumped all the responsibility of caring for his child on me. My DH wanted to sit back on his rear and for me to be HIS child's main caregiver.
I was expected to wake up an hour earlier than I needed to leave for work to drive 25 miles each way to drive my SS to his great-grandmother's for her to put him on the school bus, rather than just having him get up when I would normally wake up and him wait on the porch at our house for 5 minutes alone to get on the bus (AT 12 YEARS OLD!!!). Then have to drive another 50 miles out of the way in the evening to do the same.... This put me driving over 200 miles a day costing me out of my own pocket for the extra gas, and the wear and tear on my vehicle. I was supposed to drive back to our barn to drop my SS off in the evenings to his dad at the barn to feed and care for his animals. Then go home and cook, clean, do laundry, care for animals at the house that were not mine, and basically do everything for BOTH my lazy husband and his entitled child.
My SS at 12 years old had not 1 chore. He wasn't even made responsible to care for his own 4-H projects. He couldn't clean his own room, make his bed, fold clothes, fix his own plate... he could do absolutely nothing for himself. My nephew has autism and is 3 years younger than my SS and can physically do more or himself and is more independent. Yet, with his complete lack of effort to contribute to our household, my husband still insisted that he deserved a $50 per week allowance. His grades were horrendous and he was only points away from being failed for the school year and held back in the 6th grade. His conduct at school this past year was so bad that he was suspended multiple times for fighting (none of the other kids like him because he acts like the world owes him and he can't treat others with respect) and for lying to teachers and the principal. Yet his father refused to address his behavior and turned the blame on everyone else including teachers instead of holding his son even somewhat responsible. And the disrespect I've been shown by this child is far from desirable. Even our friends have chosen to not associate with us because of his behavior. I was never so embarassed as when we were outside talking with friends and my SS came running around the house screaming at his dad, who was talking to an adult, and his friend's wife was speaking to my husband, and he just turned around and walked off to talk to my SS about fishing. Nothing important, he wasn't injured, he wasn't dying... but felt that becaue the attention wasn't focused on him, that he would rudely inturupt. Of course my DH did nothing, and since then, these friends have had little to do with us and have mentioned my SS's behavior to everyone.
One of the biggest issues is his lack of responsibility and accountability... he has show chickens, a calf, and 2 horses... none of which he takes care of. Over the past 6 months, we've had all his show rabbits die, several chickens, 2 calves... and his dad couldn't figure out what was happening to cause all of these animals to die... I figured it out quickly. He's lazy and doesn't make sure they are fed and watered, then LIES that he took care of them so that he can play or fish. At 12 years old this shouldn't be an issue.
When I've tried to discuss these issues with my DH it's always a fight. His belief is that "disciplining a child is negative and you should never be negative toward your kids". I've tried to talk to my mother-in-law and she gave the excuse that we would push my SS away if we disciplined him. So the solution I guess is to allow him to manipulate us. I finally told my husband that if things didn't change that I would leave because I couldn't live with a 12 year old running our household. It blew up and he ended up hitting me.
Since that day I've literally completely disengaged. I refuse to have anything to do with my SS. I refuse to take him anywhere, to even be in the same room with him. I go to work, race to the barn to feed only my horses, then go home and literally lock myself in our bedroom and am usually asleep before 7 pm before they get home. I haven't eaten at home, or even sat on the couch in 2 months. If my DH has to go pick my SS up from his grandparents, he has to go alone and in his own vehicle because I don't even want him in my car (he wrote on my leather with a marker at 12 years old, and stomped a BBQ sause packet into the floor under the floor mat staining up my carpet because I told him not to eat in my car). When he's gone on the weekends, my husband and I spend time together, and things are okay, but when he even mentions my SS's name, I get anxious and feel sick to my stomach.
I've started looking for a place to live and a place to move my horses to. I just can't see that things would ever improve.