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Donewithstepturd's picture

I feel at my wits end, due to my Step Son. He's 8, I've been in his life since he was 2. He's always been a brat and it's only gotten worse. I have 2 bio daughters with his dad we've been married for 6 years. I love my husband dearly but this bastard has gotten the best of me. I've got no more patience for this kid, I HATE/CRINGE/LOATHE just hearing his name or at the thought of him, and I feel terrible for feeling this way. My husband unfortunately has full custody and we're stuck with him full time, he's supposed to be gone every other weekend, but his mom isn't reliable and doesn't seem to care much for him, when she does get him she dumps him off somewhere else. He's lazy, filthy, violent, liar, entitled, abuser and just the worst. I'm a SAHM so I'm in charge of picking him up from school and doing basically everything, for this kid. I've done it all this whole time, and I can't continue to do so, I'm depressed I hate my life all because of this person. You'd think it be easy for me to take my daughters and run, but I suspect that he has sexually abused my speech delayed 4 year old. I'm pretty much the only person who can understand her, and for a while she was complaining of vaginal pain and she was able to tell me that SS hurt her, mind you my DD is completely innocent and unaware of private parts and things of that nature. I told DH what was going on and we took her to the DR and he notices redness and discomfort, but said everything was intact so DH concluded that I made these allegations up. There has been other instances that they've been playing and I would find DD with her pants down, and again DH is oblivious to this. He works a lot and I'm the one mostly with the kids. I'm afraid of leaving because I'm know my daughter will be in danger and not taken care of if I'm not there. Naturally we would both have equal custody if it came to that, and I just can't trust them alone with out me there to watch. I'm beyond stressed that I have to keep watch 100% of the time. I hate my life, I'm trapped but I do it for my girls. There's other issues with SS too he cried so much at school and threw tantrums that he flunked 1st grade, so now we have an 8 year old in 1st grade still. He called CPS and said I choke him and lock him in his room and beat him, these allegations were found to be false. But going through that stress and trauma and putting my girls at risk too took a huge toll out of me. He pees everywhere on purpose, won't clean it so we end up doing it. I'm in such a bad mood that I rage at my daughters bc I'm so angry internally at SS. My husband won't discipline him, he feels guilty bc SS bio mom doesn't care for him. And I can't tell him anything or give him a spanking bc they threaten me with CPS. I  believe in spanking if my girls act up they do get disciplined by me, DH even yells at them but won't say anything to his son, and my girls are 4 and 18 months. I'm not the perfect step mom I used to try hard and I now I do snap and yell at SS bc I've had it, I have to patience. I'm uncomfortable in my own home, I dread 3pm because I have to pick him up. I only get "peace" every other weekend but that's not enough anymore. His Bio mom and my In laws poisoned him against me, each chance they get. I feel like our relationship is diminished, there's no coming back I can't forgive what he's done. I don't look at him the same, when I say I HATE him it's pure rage, blackness and ugliness I'd never thought I'd have but I do. I used to be so happy now things are so bad, and my DH does try to keep me happy but I can't if SS is still here, and full time. Can anyone offer advice? I know it's a long post, thx for reading. Anything will help I can't talk to DH about this because he has blinders on when it comes to his son. 

Harry's picture

Or you take your kids and move away.  Never to have you bio have contact with SS.

SS needs help, but that your DH problem to get him help and straighten him out.  You can not have SS and your kids together any more 

Donewithstepturd's picture

Wouldn't I need DH approval to move away? Is this legal? I have no physical proof that my daughter was hurt other than the DR report but we didn't specify that we suspected abuse? 

tog redux's picture

You are correct, you can't just move away and refuse to allow your daughters to have contact with their father. If he played that right, he could end up with full custody.

Considering your husband is a lazy father, do you think he'd even want half time custody of your girls? Three kids with no one there to do all the work?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why didn't you tell the doctor you suspected sexual abuse? What do you mean "everything was intact?" If the doctor knew you suspected sexual abuse and found any evidence, they would have reported the incident to CPS. If CPS finds that your SS did abuse your daughter, than your DH might not be able to get visitation as easily.

You need to protect your daughter. She should never be alone with SS under any circumstances. Why don't you take her back to the doctor and tell them the truth this time? Or just contact CPS yourself and let them open an investigation.

tog redux's picture

Essentially, she'd be calling CPS on herself, since it's her job to keep her daughter safe from SS if she suspects that.  She could call CPS on DH's refusal to get SS help, though.

I do agree that any other concerns should be brought to the pediatrician.

Seems to me that (calling CPS on DH) would be the beginning of the end of your marriage (which is already dead, it seems).  So I wouldn't do that unless you plan to move out and then consider that a possible resource to protect your daughter.

Donewithstepturd's picture

Yes during that time I had an open case against me bc of SS. He and his bio mom made false abuse allegations against me, so I was scared to add anything else. I knew the allegations were false but I couldn't help but feel scared of potentially losing my DDs.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

In the UK an option would be to negotiate supervised access only with the father for a period of time (If a couple were to separate and had similar issues). 

I think you would benefit from getting legal advice to weigh up all options. Things seem a bit different where you are, but it doesn’t seem your situation is going to improve any time soon.

Is there anyway you could afford to live separately for a short period of time whilst you work through stuff, so your daughter is safe?

tog redux's picture

Typically supervised visitation in the US requires proof of something that could harm the child - not just the mother believing her stepson molested her daughter, with no offical investigation or evidence.

SteppedOut's picture

You need to start making a record of all of this stuff. Date, time, pictures when appropriate. You HAVE to start telling doctors when you suspect sexual abuse, or ANY abuse. Example: ss clobbers your child in the head leaving a bruise - take child to Dr and tell him what happened. 

Are you in a state that allows voice recordings without all parties being informed? If so, discretely start recording conversations with your husband regarding all of these incidents to prove your husband will not protect your children from ss and down plays/ignores the abuse. Suggest therapy for ss in the conversations, I can only assume your husband will decline due to "nothing wrong with ss". 

Does ss act poorly in school as well? If so, do they send home documentation? If so make copies/keep it. Also, maybe talk to a school counselor if he gets in trouble often and plant a seed that maybe he needs therapy. 

Are you able to support yourself? If not, perhaps take some online courses to increase your earning potential. 

Talk to an attorney. See what you would need to get supervised visits.

My formerSO's kid is rotten to the core. He would not do anything or even recognize there was an issue... "nothing wrong with my kid". This kid tried physically hurting our baby multiple times. I left with our son. My formerSO has not tried to get visitation, I believe because he knows I will not allow unsupervised visitation. He is aware I will require ss to get therapy... but he will not get him therapy, because he so much wants to believe there is nothing wrong with that little monster. Do you think your husband may be the same?

Donewithstepturd's picture

Thank you for your insight, me and DH have had many conversations about it and he always down plays it, but I never thought to record. I have some pictures on my phone but I've not written down any dates or exact details but I will. I have family here that supports me and I was teacher Special Needs students prior to becoming a stay at home mom, I gave that up bc SS needed so much attention and was always needing to be picked up early bc of behavior issues, etc. I can support myself the only holding me back is my DD safety. I'm here I'm in control.

SteppedOut's picture

You should get back to work, SS can be in after care at school. If he needs to be picked up because of behavior, one of his parents can do it! 

Why should you give up your career (and really great school retirement!) because of someone else's kid? 

Donewithstepturd's picture

Problem is his bio mom won't step up and take care of him. She's supposed to pick him every other Friday from school and has been a no show and showing up to 3 hours late. DH works in another city, so burden falls on me. 

Winterglow's picture

So what would he do if you weren't there? The kid is HIS responsibility, not yours. You should not have to give up your career because of someone else's inability to take care of their child.

Donewithstepturd's picture

He was the "breadwinner" so it made more sense for me to give up my job to be there for the kids, including SS. I don't know what he would do? Maybe enlist help from his family, bc I know for a fact SS bio mom won't step in to help. Sometimes I feel like I'm an overly worked/abused baby sitter, and not a wife.