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Am I a bad Person?

SaraB83's picture

So my fiancee and I have been together for 3 years and I love him with all my heart. We just got engaged at the end of last year and I'm so excited to be marrying him. But... he has two children. His 6 year old daughter I absolutely LOVE. We connect great and she tells me she loves me and wishes I was her mommy for real. His 3 year old son is a completely different story. I hate to say this but I just can't stand that child. I've tried SO hard. When I got with Alan I knew he had just had a recent break up with BM#2 and that she was pregnant. In the beginning it was really hard because BM#2 was hateful towards me and wanted me gone. She was still in love with my fiancee and wanted to be with him, even though she was the one who had left him. Once I came into the picture her entire attitude changed. Well my fiancee was torn between me and his ex. He loved me but he felt obligated to his ex since she was pregnant with his son. He ended up leaving me for her the day she had the baby. They were together for a year and the whole time he was texting me telling me he missed me and loved me and wanted to be with me. I still loved him very much and so I waited and waited. Eventually he got up the nerve to dump her and we got back together. Since we all live in a very small town I was still able to keep up a good relationship with his daughter as BM#1 is a doll. She had no hard feeling towards me and had been really happy to find someone that loved her daughter since BM#2, who had known the little girl since she was 2, had always said she was a brat. I have NO clue what she bases that on as that little girl is one of the sweetest kids I've ever met and she does exactly as she's told every time. I think it stems from the fact that BM#2 has two other daughters and was probably favoring them.

Anyway my fiancee's son is a total brat. Has been ever since I can remember. He throws tantrums, pees himself even though he's potty trained, will do stuff we tell him not to do just to make us mad, curses, back talks, hits, breaks his toys, breaks our stuff, and makes himself puke on purpose. I always feel like the meanest person alive because, while my fiancee coddles this behavior and gives into his son's demands, I do not. I send him to the corner, or bed, or take away his toys, or even spank him if it's bad enough. Neither one of his parents do this, but this is how I was brought up and how I plan to raise my own children. Neither me nor my siblings turned out to be bad people but my fiance thinks I am too harsh and is constantly accusing my of favoring his daughter and hating his son. I feel SO guilty because even though I deny it to a tee, I know it's the truth. I'm just so scared of telling my fiancee how I really feel because I know it would break his heart and be the end of our relationship. But I don't know what else to do. I love my fiancee and his daughter with all of my heart but I just can't stand his son.

I've been trying to talk him into getting a paternity test because there's a chance his son might be BM#2's ex's. This was a HUGE deal right after the baby was born, but BM#2 told my fiancee she got a test done and it came back as his but this seems EXTREMELY shady because it was a kit she ordered online and she said the results were "emailed to her" but Alex never saw the email and when he asked about it she said she deleted it. I've shown him proof that his son looks EXACTLY, and I don't just mean a good deal, I mean on the nose, identical twin like exactly, like BM#2's ex's 2 year old son whom he had with a different woman. I even went so far as to hold a pic of my fiancee's son at 2 years old up next to a pic of the ex's son and he couldn't tell which was his. I secretly hope with all my heart that he doesn't belong to Alex and this makes me feel like a horrible person. But I feel like that child brings out the worse in me. He lives with us and has since the summer and it's been a nightmare. I want so badly for him to go back to his mother but my fiancee is so happy he's here I can't bring myself to say it.

Since he's moved in I've been more short tempered than ever and it's been taking a serious toll on our relationship as a couple. I spend 12 straight days looking forward to the two he spends with his mother every other weekend. Even my Fiancee's daughter can't stand her brother. He breaks her toys and hits her. If she has her hair all done up nice and pretty he will grab at it and pull it out so it's ruined. He's peed in her bed, he toy box, and even on her! He'll throw toys at her head and call her bad names. I just don't understand how this boy can be the brother of my fiancee's daughter. I feel like I'm in over my head with nobody to turn to. Even my best friend made me feel guilty. Please help me!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

sounds hard.
I think it must be emotionally very hard to cope with the fact that SO left you for SS and BM when he was with you.Could that be, that this (totally understandibly) influences how you feel about SS?
SS sounds as if he needs lots of control and strictness, sorry that you have to deal with him.
I think SO needs to be very strict towards him,so he learns rules.

SaraB83's picture

I've often wondered that. If it does affect how I feel towards my SS it is something completely subconscious because I know that what happened was not his fault. If anything it was his mother's. I used to get so upset because she lived right behind my fiancee's house after they broke up and I would be staying the night when all of a sudden he would get a text and he would have to rush over there to make sure she was ok. One time it was a suicide threat. Another she told him she lost the baby. He would get over there and she would try to talk him into being with her and so forth. It all put a really big strain on me. Not to mention the mental abuse I suffered from her. We both happened to work at the same place and my fiancee would come in to see her and that's how we met. So once we got together she was constantly talking about me or making snide comments or trying to get me fired. I eventually had to quit the job because I couldn't take it anymore. I've tried so very very VERY hard to make everything work. And I've asked my fiancee to start disciplining his son and he makes a half-hearted attempt and then gives up. I'm in it alone when it comes to discipline and that leaves me wondering if I'll be in it alone when/if we ever have a child of our own. If that's the case I'm scared that my own child will hate me for being the only one who enforces rules. Sad

SaraB83's picture

I can't talk my fiancee into doing one. He's scared of the results. I think he thinks the boy isn't is but doesn't want to face the fact because it would hurt him so much. He always says something like, "What if he isn't mine? For three years he's known me as his father and he's been my son. How would I explain to him that I'm not his daddy and Amy isn't his sister? I can't do that to him. It would destroy him." And I don't really know how to fight that...

TM9366's picture

well better now to find out than years from now. years of more uneasiness, hiding feelings, and the boy and father getting attached more. I feel for you and sorry you are going through all of this.

SaraB83's picture

I've told him that as well but it seems he just can't bring himself to face it. In a way I can understand that fear. He really does love his son and if it was me faced with that I don't know what I would do either. But I do know he thinks about it more often than he lets on. Sometimes I catch him looking at his son in an old way or researching paternity tests. I do agree the longer he waits the worse it's making the situation.

stepmomfromhell's picture

If you are worried that this child may not be related to your SO tell him that it's the honest and moral thing to do, to get a paternity test done to see if he is the father to this little boy. If it's done later it could emotionally damage the child, and he's emotionally stressed as it is, so the sooner you get it done the easier it will be for the child.

It sounds like this child has been through enough and is simply acting out. By the way children that age do pick up other peoples feelings so very easily. Do you know anyone in your area that you can talk with about the issues in regards to this child? You might want to have him tested for ADHD and/or Asperger's. There might be underlying medical issues that are causing him to feel that he needs to act out in this manner.

Donewithstepturd's picture

Your not a bad person, this kid sounds awful.The first thing I'd do is order a DNA test ASAP the sooner the better, if it's not his then send him back, it'll only get harder as the kid gets older. But honestly no matter how much love you have for your husband and his daughter, it won't be worth it if his alleged son stays in the picture. From the sounds of this situation things will only get worse especially if his Bio mom is toxic. Trust I'm going through it and looking back I wished I stayed away from DH bc my dislike for SS has only intensified over the years. You'll never be completely confortable, you'll become stressed and enraged, and all this will just keep building up over the years.