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SM #2

MamaBecky's picture

Do any of you deal with being your step child's second SM? (or 3r, or 4th...) Smile

I know I really struggled with this when I entered the picture.

DH began his relationship with his daughter my SD14 when she was 5. BM#1 brought her to meet him and he began regular weekend parenting. He lived with BM#2 at the time and BM#2 acted in a step mom capacity for 1.5 years while DH and her were still together.

SD was very upset when DH left BM#2 when she was pregnant with SD#2. Once SD#2 was born SD14 (then age Dirol continued going to visitation at BM#2's house until SD#2 was 3 years she was 11 when she stopped going to visitation at BM#2's house. This also coincides with when both SD's began taking there visitation with my DH at our (his and my) house and when I took on the SM role.

I feel very blessed that I had two SM's growing up because I can apply lessons learned from my childhood to my parents and relationships with my SD's. When my Dad left my first SM and forced me to live with and love my 2nd SM it was HORRIBLE. I hated and resented my 2nd SM for years and was awful to her. Without experiencing that I may have handled the transition poorly with my own SD's and made a horrible situation of it for myself and my SD's. I learned from my parents mistakes. The transition with my SD's although it felt rocky for me at the time, went relatively well and we all got through it unscathed and with intact relationships. I am certain most people in this situation dont have that kind of insight that I had from my childhood so I am curious....has this happened to you and how did you deal with it?

It sucks being a SM and being compared to BM....but to be compared to BM and a previous SM can be enough to put you over the top! I'm just interested in hearing other peoples stories in this regard.


JRTerrierMom's picture

hey mamabecky -

You interchanged SS and SD and BM and DH and otherthings so much it seems it's kind of hard to follow the story.

you said "when my dh left my first SM and forced me to live with my 2nd SM it was HORRIBLE". Did you mean when your father forced you to live with her? or when your DH forced you to live with you SD?

Can you go through the scenario again and label them DH, SS, SD, BS, BD, BM, BF whatever?

Elizabeth's picture

Actually, I am SM#2 to SD18, but I don't know how much that affected how she treats/feels about me.

DH and BM were divorced when SD was 2 and DH and SM#1 married when SD was 3. They were only married for one year and DH and I met when SD was 5. I know from things I've read and things DH has told me that SD made SM#1's life very difficult as well, so I guess I'm not alone in that respect. The difference is, SD was 3 at that time but was 8 when DH and I married, so theoretically a bit more mature by then. I struggled a lot (and don't think I overcome) with DH's perceptions of how I was going to treat SD based on how SM#1 treated her. He didn't seem to make any allowance for the fact that children are supposed to mature as they age. For example, SM#1 disagreed with SD crawling into their bed. But, she was only 3-4 at the time, and I don't think it's that egregious at that age. When DH and I married and SD8 started crawling into our bed, I complained and DH got offended. OK, 8 is old enough to sleep on your own, isn't it? But he was "reliving" what he'd gone through with SM#1 and wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt.

SD also used to idealize SM#1 a lot after DH and I got serious, even though she'd been gone for three or four years by then and did NOT keep in touch with DH or SD. SD even kept a picture of SM#1 and DH together in her room for years. I told DH I didn't like it and it made me uncomfortable, but DH maintained SD had a right to have that picture. I had to look at the damn thing every time I went in her room. I hated it. I had a hard time believing SD was so "attached" to a person who was only in her life for less than 2 years and that I'm sure she barely remembered.

I know this rambles. Just wanted to say you're not alone.

Anywho78's picture

I too am SM to Skids who have an xSM. My situation is different though.

The story goes like this...

SO stupidly knocked up a friend in HS & out popped SS18. They were never married. SS18 is now in college.

SO married BM Redneck at age 22 thinking she was knocked up with HIS child. Turns out the child is fathered by some random sailor, but that's beside the point. After less than 2 years of marriage, Redneck decided she was also a lady lover. She & SO divorced with him being financially responsible for SD's (now 14 & 16).

SO met & fell madly in love with BM Nasty in his late 20's. He was Stepdad to XSD now 15. He raised her as his own child for 8 years. Together, they had 2 additional children (SS9 & SD7). BM Nasty was SM to SS18 & SD's who are now 14 & 16. They lived across the country because SO was in the USMC. They had a few visits per year. From all accounts, the Redneck & Nasty hated each other with a passion. I have heard that when SD (now 16) was as young as 8, she came back from all visitations telling heinous lies about Nasty (her xSM). SO & BM Nasty had huge issues over BM Redneck & the SD's. SS18 LOVED SM/BM Nasty while he despised SM/BM Redneck.

Nasty cheated on SO with FIVE men in under a year. When she got busted, she decided she was done being a wife & mother so she shipped XSD off to live with her parents (signed over rights & all) & gave SS9 & SD7 to SO a few years ago. Redneck of course knew that Nasty was never any good & continues to this day to bad mouth her.

In comes little ol me. I have 2 dogs.

SS was CONSTANTLY telling me how HOT Nasty was, telling me what Nasty did & did not do etc. He was 15 when I met him, so a little too old for that crap if you ask me, but oh well. I have since put a stop to it because I'm not going to have him talking about his XSM all the time when her children (SS9 & SD7) are sitting there hearing stories about how awesome she was while she can't even bother to call them & only wants to see them for less than a week per year. If they want to talk about her fine, but if SS18 wants to? He can do it out of mine & the resident Skids earshot.

The SD's were 11 & 13 when I met them. They disliked Nasty & had no qualms informing me of this...& no, I never asked...turns out, they hate me too. Go figure.

XSD (now 15) has friended me on FB. I chatted with her for the first time a few weeks ago. She's depressed, misses my SO (her XStepdad) & siblings, living with her grandparents in Germany.

I truly believe that SD's 14 & 16 would hate anyone that took attention away from them. Everyone tells me that they have ALWAYS been deceitful, malicious and heinous girls. I tried, they burnt me, so I quit. We rarely see them, even though they live less than 30 minutes away. It hurt my SO at first but he's dealing with it.

Yes, I SO was a DUMB A@@!

Mom2's picture

DH married BM1 (SD30) they split when she was 2. BM1 remarried and her DH adopted SD30 when she was 7. Then DH has a “one righter” BM2 has SD27. He has a GF (BM3) has SS27. BM4 he married (when she was 5 months along) had SD, SS and SD between 26-23). BM3 didn’t want SS to have anything to do with BM4. She said she was a psycho. BM4 found out about all his kids and still married him. SD27 was in BM4’s life for less then a yr. BM4 badmouthed DH and I to her kids and SD27. Se tried with SD30 (DH reconnected with her when she was 17) SS 27 wants nothing to do with them because of how they treat DH. I get along great with my 3 oldest stepkids. The other 3, their relationship with me is pretty much non-existent when BM4 stopped receiving CS go figure. The Alienation is real bad with the 3 youngest; the sad thing is that they don’t even see it.

DH and I have 2 kids together 13 and 8 (been together 21 yrs). I get along with BM1, 2 & 3. BM4 hates me and DH has done a wonderful job of alienating them. BM2&3 both see how psycho BM4 is. They have told me many times, why can’t she let go and leave you guys alone. So I dunno.. what number stepmother does that make me?

z3girl's picture

I'm sort of SM#2 to SD20. DH left BM for a coworker, and lived with her for 4 years. They never married. SD was 10 when he left BM, so she spent quite a few weekends with DH and Ex-GF. SD was 15 when I met her, and DH said she wanted DH and his ex-gf to get back together, so she was a little upset, and was also upset at the age difference between me and DH. I think it must have been easier when she was 10 vs 15. By the time I met her, she was more involved in sports and friends, so she only spent maybe one weekend a month with DH for a few months, and then none at all. She has never had a bedroom in any of our homes, whereas she had one when he lived with the Ex-GF.

I guess we just don't have much, if any, kind of relationship whereas she had one with the EX-GF. To be honest, I don't really care. There's been enough drama as it is!