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Newly Blended Family

Lady1988's picture
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Hi all, 

This is my first post in this forum and I am excited to receive support and feedback from others here. My fiancee and I recently began renting a 4 bedroom house two weeks ago and there are some teething issues I would value your perspective/advised on. 

My fiancee and I first met in December 2018. I have an 8 year old son I have primary custody of, he goes to his fathers 2 nights per fortngiht, my finacee has his 9 year old son and 11 year old daughter 2 nights a fortngight - same weekends I have my son. This means my fiancee and I have a weekend each fortnight with no children here with us. 

There has been a couple of things that have come up, my fiancee and I have the same core values, open-mindedness which is good and our communication is great. For me it just helps having some extra support. 

My fiancee's daughter who is 11, gets emotionally upset sometimes and will have outbursts at people. An example it was my sons turn for the xbox - she had a melt down, got angry, told him off a couple of times. The daughter had 50 mins on Xbox whilst my son had 20 mins prior, so I felt his turn was reasonable.I could see my sons reaction was a bit upset and he went into his room to play instead and we removed ourselves from the situation. She had a couple of melt downs that day - which if I am being truly honest I find challenging. The melt downs looks like, sighin, why do I have to do that, no go over there, I am not coming etc and yelling at people...my fiancee is wonderful and very caring with his daughter and takes time to go through why things happen after she has calmed down. I guess what I am fidning challenging is the treatment towards other people and how that has not been addressed. 

My fiancee and  I had this discussion and he gave me permission to parent his children. I am happy to do some things, like spend time with them, discuss their interests, cook food etc...like a friend/someone who provides guidance. I think it is too early for me to really parent them. I know sometimes this behaviour with melt downs gets me sometimes and I don't want to project tthat on to his daughter, as that is not fair nor helpful. 

My fiancee's daughter advises being a bit jealous that my son has a PS4 - he waited two years to get this, sold his WiiU and myself and two relatives contributed towards it for Christmas, his TV in his room - was a hand me down from a relative and his Ipad - split cost between myself and a relative - required for school use and of course uses outside of school. I would understand from a kids perspective how that seem's unfair however, I am very thrifty and our families have come from different backgrounds.I am not sure how to counter this, as I don't believe I should be responsible for purchasing these items for my fiancee's children. I don't really have the funds at the moment and have lent my fiancee funds for the house move. 

My fiancee and I have noticed the issue/tension with using tecehnology in the household and the children seem to be rotating between devices. My fiancee's daughter gets annoyed when my son is on the Xbox in the living room as he has a PS4 in his room and my fiancee's children do not have consoles in their rooms. The challenge is that my son should not have to experience isolation from the family because of this. My fiancee and I have discussed limiting use of technology in the household and encouraging the children to play games. My fiancee's daughter is saying she needs to use technology to speak with her school friend - which is a bit tricky. 

My question(s) are...

Any hints/.tips for newly blended families?

How would you proceed with this situation?

I don't want to be someone who becomes angry/resentful, it's not fair on anyone, particularly not the children.

Thanks for your time, much appreciated.

 

Kes's picture

I think it is up to you and your fiancee to sort out between you, things like time on electronic devices, time in shared spaces on these can be frustrating for other members of the family, particularly if they are noisy.  What I'd suggest is that you have a family meeting with all members able to table their views, but then you and fiancee privately make a decision having giving everyone's views consideration.  

The big thing in blended families is that there should be consideration for others' feelings, reasonable, fair but robust house rules, and that the parents should be singing from the same hymn sheet at all times.  Not saying this is always achievable, but it is a good aim.  Most of us are members here because our step families deviate/d so wildly from this idea that it impacts our lives very negatively, and also because there is often a hostile and unco-operative bio parent in the picture, causing constant trouble.  You do not mention one of these, so that has to be a plus. 

Rags's picture

Your DF has no balls and is apparently incapable of parenting firmly.  This kid does what she does because she gets away with it and there are no meaningful unpleasant consequences.

When she pulls her bullshit take her game system away and don't return it.  Teach her the difference between a right and a privilege.

holly5692's picture

I like your idea of limiting electronics for all, but really it seems like only one kid in particular has issues with using them. So only that one kid should pay the price, not the ones who haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like your fiance is receptive to your thoughts and opinions though, so that's good. 

As for your son having a PS4 and your SD not, well this is something he had beforehand. It doesn't matter how you acquired it. He's your kid and she's not. End of story. Nothing unfair about it. Don't some of her friends also have things that she does not? Doesn't she have things that some of her friends do not? Different households, different parents. Quite audacious of her to expect that you would get another one. That's not your job. At all.