Thankful this is a thing!
Hey All!
Newbie here! I just wanted to introduce myself and maybe get a little feed back re: my situation.
First, I want to express how thankful like am that a community like this exists. I've been feeling very alone in my unique life situation, especially when it comes to my "step kids" SD 6 and SS 9. Even my family has a hard time accepting the boundaries I have set.
At our first meet up, I made it very clear that I do not have kids and I do not want kids in this lifetime. We did talk about his children and his role in their lives. I was clear even then that I'm not interested in being a stepparent though I would always be supportive of him being a parent, as long as my boundaries and time are being respected. We recently married (November). We dated for 2 years before marrying and lived together for a year and a half. In that time, I observed his children's behavior and his and his BM parenting choices. When we started seriously making our wedding plans, I made sure to have a very honest and probably somewhat brutal conversation with him about my boundaries surrounding my role in his children's lives. I made it 100% clear that I am not interested in parenting or co-parenting; I do not agree with how his children are being raised nor am I nieve enough to belive that a few hours two days a week is going to have any sort of influence over their behavior. Yes, that is exactly what I said to him. I did not realize then that I was telling him, upfront, that I was going to be a disengaged stepparent. It's comforting that there is a word for it and others doing it.
Happy to be here!
Bottom line
They will always be in his life but as long as you are polite and civil to them, that's all that is necessary. I would add that at their ages, you must also be on guard for their safety and well-being when they are in your home, like you would do for any child.
Kudos to you for being
Kudos to you for being upfront about disengaging before you even knew it was a thing! You will find on here a lot of us (including myself) have disengaged with our SKs as a last resort. I wish I had done it from the start!
Thank you!
Thank you for your kind words! I put a lot of thought into weighing my options. Sure, I could find someone without kids, but my DH has so many wonderful traits. I realized that his kids are literally the only thing I don't absolutely adore about him, so this seemed like the best way to keep the relationship and maintain my sanity. I thought it was only fair to share my thoughts with him because my therapist said that HE may have a different expectations in mind. I'm very lucky that he was understanding and respectful of my boundaries
Welcome to the site!
I note that you say in your biog that you currently do not have the SKIDs for any overnight visits - just a few hours twice a week. This is not the case with most non custodial parents - they usually do every other weekend or similar which was the case with my SDs for over a decade. I applaud you for your boundary setting, but you may find it is more challenging if the visits to your house are longer and disengagement means that you have to juggle intimacy with your partner, with his commitments to his children. I was, and am, totally disengaged, but disengagement is not always an easy road and you sometimes come across circumstances where your patience, boundaries and sanity is taxed quite a lot.
Good for you
For knowing what you want and being upfront about it. Open communication between you and your DH (even when it is not what he may want to hear) is the key to success at managing blended families. There will still be challenges but feel free to vent here!
Thank you!
Thank you for the kind words! Sometimes, a place to vent is the perfect medicine!
Also new & also pleased this is a thing!
I'm also relieved to find this term kicking about so commonly on this forum. I wish I had done what you've done. I naively entered into a relationship thinking I was open to being friends/supportive of his children. It's a total one way street. Every effort on them has been wasted. Zero gratitude or mutuality. I've disengaged from one - we don't speak to each other. Another is heading that way. Hindsight is wonderful... You've saved yourself a lot of grief.