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Why is being a step-mom so hard?

SubstituteMommy's picture

I could think of countless reasons why being a step-mom is so hard, so I will just list a few! You often feel unheard and unappreciated. Dealing with a problematic BM can be emotionally and mentally draining. You cannot love a step-kid the way that you love your own kids (even though many people expect you to). It's not easy feeling like you never come first to your SO. You can do a lot, work hard, be supportive, and love as much as you can, but you still won't get the credit that you deserve.

I'm just curious to see what others have to say!

Comments

Kes's picture

Having to deal with a Disney Dad!  Thankfully my DH doesn't do this any more.  I disengaged so I was quite lonely EOW when he would take the SDs on all sorts of outings and even once a foreign holiday, without me - admittedly my choice not to go. The rudeness from the SDs, particularly at the dinner table which was the only time I'd sit down with them.  The fact that DH did not get on their case over the rudeness, certainly not to the degree I would have wished. As you mentioned, dealing with a high conflict NPD BM.  Some of the other things you said, I couldn't relate to though, as I would never expect to love my SKIDs, I didn't even like them, and certainly did little for them, nor did I expect or want any credit.  

shamds's picture

my husband would instead of holding his kids (2 who are adults) accountable for rude disrespectful actions choose to turn a blind eye and take them to family events whilst i stayed home (my choice because his kids are so rude, disrespectful and unbearably unpleasant) sd’s rant non stop of bio mum and step dad as in to show how unimportant i am and i was expected to suck it up instead of my husband manning up and telling his daughters to shut up and stop ranting about bio mum and stepdad as they are unimportant to hubby now

Eventually a year after I firmly disengaged hubby told off his eldest daughter how rude and out of line she was doing this. Know what she said to her dad?? “I’m sorry if i did anything wrong, I didn’t know i did”

these are asian kids and manners, respect for people older than you is like one of the most important things in their culture and she claimed she didn’t know any better. They have never apologized to me and act so depressed when i am around at family events, like they need and should have daddy all to themselves and don’t like how my husband cuddles our 2 little kids. At least my in-laws distract me from skids shitty behaviour and they’re always keeping an eye because they see the crappy behaviour of theirs all the time

SubstituteMommy's picture

I wish that I could say that I do (and have done) little for SD. Being the only consistent and regularly present maternal figure in her life, I stepped in and took the role on when she was four and it's only now that she is nearing ten that I feel like I went about things the wrong way.

justmakingthebest's picture

The total lack of control. 

I know that I am a control freak, type A person. I know that is both good and bad in my marriage. I take control and make sure that things happen. DH is great as my back up/support. 

When it comes to SS, my hands are tied. DH's hands are tied. I can't even be his support for so many things because it is always just waiting on the next court date so that something can be ordered and BM can ignore it and then we are back to court again. We can't just say- YES BM- THIS IS HOW IT WILL BE. 

Being 1300 miles away doesn't help us either. 

SubstituteMommy's picture

I am a control freak, too! Total Type A ever since childhood. I understand how and why it makes being a step-mom even harder than it already is. The struggle is real.

tog redux's picture

Crazy BMs and Family Court appearances. I've been in Family Court tons of times as a professional, and it was mortifying to be there repeatedly in my personal life, hanging out with the masses in their ripped sweatpants, tube tops and flip-flops, all because BM wants attention from DH and can't co-parent. 
 

Obviously, I didn't have to go, but I did it to support DH. 

SubstituteMommy's picture

I know what you mean. We have been to court way too many times and I am always floored by the appearance of so many people in the court room. Once, there was a young woman with pajama pants on, wrapped in a blanket. A BLANKET! BM always looks ridiculous when we've gone to court. I feel so out of place in that environment.

ldvilen's picture

Like the lovely Wednesday Martin says, "There are external forces, most beyond a stepmother's control, that may undermine her good intentions and best efforts with his children. These factors include loyalty binds, a child's jealousy and resentment, the Ex Factor, permissive parenting, cultural expectations about women and children, and a phenomenon called conflict by proxy."

SubstituteMommy's picture

No clue who Wednesday Martin is, but it sounds like she knows what she's talking about!

Eve-Bee's picture

I agree with all points! By my horrible step experience, I would also add: No matter how much time and effort DH and you put into giving your stepdaughter a healthy and nice childhood in your home, in the end, she will be an exact copy of BM. All your efforts result in living with a person with a terrible personality that you would avoid by all means if it were anyone else than your SD. (and you should avoid SD too; actually, it should be first on the list of taking care of your health, before eating healthy, exercising and taking your vitamins)

Also, all your good intentions, qualities, and values, will be used against you in a sick game to exploit you. 

Until you get rid of her as a grown-up, then you know that a purely evil creature is on the loose, making the world more ugly just by being in it. 

(ha,ha do I sound bitter.. I wonder why?)

SubstituteMommy's picture

I am certain that your response is exactly what I will be saying in a matter of a few years. That's so sad and so scary.

Merry's picture

For me, I resent being seen as an appendage to DH. Even by DH. When skids are around, I have no opinions, no preferences, no feelings, no interests. Oh, but I do have money. There's that.

SubstituteMommy's picture

I'm sorry. I've found that having feelings of resentment is a common theme in being a step-mom. It's a hard pill to swallow.

Maxwell09's picture

Expectations....our expectations and the expectations of others and the reality of the situation are never the same. That is hard to deal with no matter how great your skid, dh or even bm is. 

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with the above and will add one that I've been struggling with lately. 

Having to accept people into your nuclear family who have vastly different values than you do. My Skids are lazy, entitled, rude...things I would never accept from my own children. Right now, they are doing absolutely no schoolwork. They are with us four days a month, so there is limited opportunity to influence them and when DH says anything to them, it becomes a big drama fest with BM. As an example, several years ago, he told both SSs that he expected them both to do all their homework every day, and BM turned it into a dramafest about how DH was always being critical and thought the kids were stupid. 

I have to turn the other way through all of this (the school one really kills me, I come from a family of educators and learning was never optional in my home) and pretend as if it doesn't matter, while also treating SSs like they are part of my family. As someone who has always valued integrity, this is hard. I feel like I'm also compromising myself big time. 

I realize this is also a DH problem. One SS - a teen - regularly has temper tantrums if he doesn't get his way and DH just tries to calm him down and will often give him what he wants, instead of telling him that this behavior is unacceptable. 

I spoke at length about this to my counselor this week and her only advice was that maybe it was good if I didn't spend much time with SSs. Easier said than done, because they come to my home twice a month! I'm just hoping that once everything opens up again, overly-dramatic SS will decide he doesn't want to come to our home anymore. 

SubstituteMommy's picture

"Having to accept people into your nuclear family who have vastly different values than you do."

I completely agree with you. SD couldn't be more different from my children. I would never allow my children to act the way that SD does. I have felt that way from the very beginning. She was only four years old, and I already knew that I didn't want my children to act like her, EVER!

youdonotdefineme's picture

It's like running an airbnb as was said above.  Except an airbnb with staff on hand and DH is the staff and on the whole they are nice to the staff but have to make sure the staff know that he isn't quite giving a 5 star experience. 

And the staff over the years is not even trying to offer 3 star anymore because even 3 stars is unappreciated.

At least DH sees and feels for himself why I quit the staff several years ago.

Fedupmama's picture

I'm currently in the "hotel" phase or the bed and breakfast. I wish I could cook up a meal and leave the mess for someone else to clean up! Or at least have the super power of being able to tolerate living in a pig sty. I've tried to walk past that piece of wrapper that magically landed on the stairs just to see how many days it would take for someone else to notice and possibly have the thought of "oh, that's a wrapper from something I was eating, I should put that in the trash bin because the stairs aren't exactly a trash bin". And then a string of swears and yelling flies out of my mouth when I can't stand to look at it anymore. It always reminds me of the Eddie Murphy Delirious shtick about the petrified piece of dog sh!+ on the floor he refers to as a piece of furniture you can set your drink on! 

They also think toilet paper just refills itself, or the hotel staff (me) will do it. I've noticed the roll was empty in the main bathroom prior to using it (a skill I picked up on from being a female and needing it regardless, everytime), and used my ensuite bathroom until it was refilled. During that time oldest SS took a dump, not sure how the end of that chapter went, but hopefully one of them has gained some life knowledge. 

SubstituteMommy's picture

I feel like my SO will forever try to win over SD regardless of how much ugliness she shows him. At the young age of nine, she has already made it clear that she has no attachment to anyone. Everyone is dispesible to her, yet my SO tries and tries and tries, and I think he always will. You're lucky that your DH sees it and has dumbed down his efforts.