Should I Stay or Run?

Hi all, I am new to this forum but in need of some good advice. I was in a 3-year on/off relationship with a guy who has a 3-year old daughter. We got engaged a few months ago and just recently I decided to end the engagement. Throughout the relationship, my finace was not being thruthful about his situation with the bio mom. There was quite a few things that happened where my trust for him was broken. Plus, he made very little effort to spend time with me since he was the primary parent.

I dont think being a step mom is right for me if I struggled this much (and things only get harder/more complicated from here) I imagine.

I would appreciate any advice you all have about being a step mom. How is step-parenting and should I just use this time start over with someone else rather than "working on things". I feel like I've given it all I have. I am in my early 30's and never been married/no kids of my own.

Thanks!

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Your gut told you to end it,

Your gut told you to end it, so end it.

Stepparenting is a 50/50 gamble. It's either great or a nightmare - and when it's a nightmare, it's a REAL PITA.

Besides, your issues aren't with stepparenthood. They are with trusting your XFH. Marriage won't fix that. It will only make it harder. Toss in stepparenting, and it won't be a matter of IF you'll get divorced but WHEN.

Listen to your gut and find someone you can trust.

Thank you, I needed to hear

Thank you, I needed to hear that! Someone asked me the question “is he worth all of what you’ll be going through” and I didn’t have an answer. Later I thought, no he’s not worth all of this. He didn’t make time for me, lied to me about even having a kid when we first met and I can’t seem to look past that. People never really change do they? That is what kept me going this long...thinking oh he will change!

People CAN change, but they

People CAN change, but they have to want to and actively do it. And they have to want to do it for themselves. Changing is a selfish thing - something you do to keep something for yourself, whether that be a relationship, job, keeping your kids, etc. There is nothing wrong with that, but if the only motivation to change is external factors, then it won't stick.

You can't make him change, so if he isn't doing it on his own already, he won't until he has something that he truly cares about that he doesn't want to lose. As much as it hurts to hear, he doesn't value losing his relationship with you enough to feel selfish enough to change to keep it.

For that, I am so terribly sorry. It is a pain that sucks greatly to feel, and I have great sympathy for you.

This was very helpful! Change

This was very helpful! Change is definitely a selfish thing. I thought if I was “good enough”’for him he’d change because he wouldn’t want to lose me but I couldn’t be more wrong. Things would inevitably go back to the way they were because he really deep down didn’t believe he needed to change.

The pain does suck and wish I knew what was running through his mind but inhabe tinleadn to just let go without much closure. Thank you!

Stepfamilies can work. Here

Stepfamilies can work. Here is what to look for:

What kind of parent is the man? Does he discipline his kids? Does he overindulge them? Can he care for them independently of BM or any other woman including his mother?
What is his relationship like with BM? Do they get along? Is it adversarial? Is she batshit crazy and likely to slash your tires when you start dating?
What does he expect from you in terms of parenting his child? (Correct answer: nothing).
Does he listen to your concerns and needs when it comes to spending time with his child?
Does he prioritize your relationship or does he say the kids are #1? Kids are #1 is the wrong answer. Is he willing to get a babysitter to go out now and then or does he have to spend every second with his kids?
Do you like the kids OK, or are they rotten, feral monsters? (See #1)
Does he ever say, "you just don't like my kids!" when you say their behavior stresses you out (this is a deal breaker)

Those are the top ones I can think of - I'm sure others can add some. My sister has an adult SD with whom she has a great relationship. It can work!

Walk away and don't look back

Walk away and don't look back. Your instincts are right on so listen. He's already broken your trust a few times and the on and off for 3 years is not a good sign. You're young so move on and know you did the right thing. You will find a partner where you won't have to question yourself and deal with lies. As far as being a step parent it can be difficult but if the other parent is doing their part and being supportive it will be ok.

Wishing you great new beginings.

Yes thank you!! Listening to

Yes thank you!! Listening to my instinct has been the most difficult decision because I started to second guess myself as time passed and thought...I’m getting older, what if I don’t find a guy that is better and so on! I got in this rut of...by this he I should be married and planning for kids. But I know now I can’t let that drive my decisions or I’ll be miserable!

You know the answer.

It was on/off for 3 years for a reason.

You have done the hard part

You have done the hard part and made a break. There were obviously many reasons and it sounds like he was not forthright or honest with you on many occasions.. Trust is a biggie for any relationship.

Steplife isn't for everyone. Every situation is different too... but at the core of it, if he hasn't been honest with you... and it's been tough to even date??? I think that continuing to walk away is your best bet.

Yes! It is the hardest thing

Yes! It is the hardest thing to break off an engagement but I couldn’t fathom the thought of always wondering if he wasn’t lying or being honest with me. Especially with a mother woman always being involved in my life bc of the child. Like I would even wonder if they had something going on between one another! Thank you!

In my experience, issues

In my experience, issues present before a wedding only magnify once the vows are sealed. Trust the vibes you're getting - energy doesn't lie. I believe our guts are our second brain and sometimes they pick up on things even before our brains do. Don't ignore that - the worst betrayal is betraying yourself. If it was the right relationship, you wouldn't be asking yourself these tough questions and I think we've all been there. Start fresh. Choose wisely. Much love to you.

Thank you Mystic18! The

Thank you Mystic18! The hardest thing was to finally listen to my gut, which was telling me something is off and things shouldn’t be this hard. I ignored that feeling for 3 years but I think I just saved myself from a lifetime of heartache by ending this engagement. I wanted so much to believe I was wrong and he is a great person but that nagging feeling in my stomach never left. I can’t imagine helping to raise his daughter and ever getting hurt again by him in the future!

In any relationship, you

In any relationship, you should look for integrity and good character. Baggage (kids, problematic exes, debt etc) matters, but no man is worthy of you if he lacks good character and integrity.

Onward and upward!

I love it! Thank you for your

I love it! Thank you for your kind words!

Honestly, I didn't need to

Honestly, I didn't need to read past 3-year on/off relationship.

This man is not for you. End it once and for all.

Yes, I can’t believe it took

Yes, I can’t believe it took me 3 years and a broken engagement to realize all this but better now than a marriage ending in divorce :/

You have healthy sense of self.

I'm proud of you. What you did is identify the type of relationship you want and feel you deserve. Then you realized quickly (before the marriage) that this man did not meet those expectations. Then you walked.

Its OKAY to want the type of relationship you want. Its okay to walk away. Its okay to love and value yourself and feel that you're worth it. You ARE worth it.

Now that you've done the hard part, don't second guess it. You've done the right thing.

Trust me, in time you will look back and know, without ANY doubt, that you did the right thing.

In the meantime, we'll be here to keep reminding you.

Thank you so much!! Your

Thank you so much!! Your words mean a lot to me as I he made me feel so guilty for “giving up” on the relationship. I always thought of his needs but as I was planning the wedding, I always had this weird uneasy feeling inside. So, I ended the engagement with only 3 months left to the wedding date. Of course the blame is al on me now for doing that but like you said, I have to think of what’s right for me! Thank you.

Run. If you don't have trust

Run. If you don't have trust, you have very little. It's certainly not worth taking on baggage for a relationship without trust.

Yes ndc! I thought I could

Yes ndc! I thought I could just “work on it” but people never really change! When I first met him, for months he hid the fact that he even had a kid. The way I found out was confronting him after seeing a pic in his phone. Of course he had his excuses for not telling me but I don’t think I ever got over that.

Oh man... that's HORRIBLE!

Sprout wings and fly, running isn't even enough

Actually

At 3 yo it should be easier. Get worst as they get older. Do you and SO ever go away on vacation by yourself? Do you go to a movies, dinner, party, hang out with friends by YOURSELFS ? Or are you trying to play family. Doing everything for child. ? It’s not your child, you did not have any part in making that child. So why do you want to be strapped down to that child ? Walk away

Thanks Harry, that’s a very

Thanks Harry, that’s a very valid point and one that helped me end the engagement. He never wanted to do things with just us, he always felt guilty not including his daughter in “family time” so we lost that spark we once had. I’m so glad you understand my point, I think parents think you’re supposed to want to be around their child all the time and be excited...I wasn’t bc it was so much work and I didn’t have a bond with her that he did. In 3 years, we went on a weekend getaway to the mountains and that’s it. I was locked down to the routine of his life and I had to just suck it up! Thanks for your insight.

Like many divorced men, he

Like many divorced men, he doesn't understand the difference between a mother and a wife - he thinks they're one and the same. He doesn't understand that women want to be wanted, desired (men too) - he thinks that the attraction of his child should be enough to make you swoon with gratitude. When people say that marriage is hard work, a good part of that work is keeping the spark alive ... Your guy doesn't seem to know that there even is a spark.

Basically, you are both looking for entirely different things in a partner. You want a partner to love, trust, lean on and share your life with. He wants a partner who will take the parenting of his daughter off his shoulders so he can go do other things.

RUN! You deserve so much better than this.

Omg you couldn’t of said it

Omg you couldn’t of said it any better!! I felt like I was so crazy constantly bugging him about making me a priority in his life and he never got it! It’s like, as long as I was helping him out with his daughter he was satisfied. I wanted “us” time so bad. He even skipped hanging out with me on his birthday because he had to be with his daughter. That was a big turning point for me where I started to think maybe this isn’t for me. Sad thing is, I put so much effort into helping him with the baby mama issues and just wanted him to make me a priority but I’m realizing if it’s like this now, it’s only going to get worse.

I appreciate ate your awesome advice!

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