Couples Therapy
Has anyone had couples therapy and did they find it helped ? When i say helped , i mean in both ways ,,did it help improve the relationship or help the realisation that it wont work and time to move on. Ive been with DH 9years,, we lived together for 5 and been living seperately now for just over 1 year. We are booked to have our first counselling session next week, DH booked this for us himself. Although I will never go back to being a step parent and have nothing to do with his evil son anymore, I cant quite seem to step away from DH and the bond and attraction we have together. Deep down im not sure if im going in to fight a losing battle as the kid is always going to be there and its something i constantly think about. Any advice would be great thanks
We did early in our marriage.
We did early in our marriage. We met and were married within 3 weeks, so not enough time to really work stuff through. He had trust issues that weren't on me but from his past relationships. Counseling really helped us vocalize our problems in a healthy and neutral way to grow from. I would do it again in a heartbeat if I felt we needed it to work through anything, including SK issues.
Yes to both. It helped
Yes to both. It helped improve the relationship and it helped reach the realization that it was over.
This was with my XW. We married and things went down hill immediatley from there. Starting with our wedding night. Crap continued to decline from that point on. when we reached 18mos of marriage my XW had gotten to a point where it was obvious she was making zero effort. I had been diligent in engaging her in conversation regarding us and our marriage. It was obvious that there were issues and when I would attempt to ask her what was bothering her, the answer was always "I don't know." I don't know ultimately ended our marriage... among other things. WHen I had enough of I don't know, I asked if she wanted a divorce. She gave me her usual answer. Which in response to that question was an actionable answer. So, I found a marriage therapist and we started weekly sessions. Things got better very quickly though I was frustrated that we did not immediatley jump into addresing the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We really did become much more closer, affectionate, and worked much better together on our home life, etc...
Things improved to the point that we bought a new home. Two weeks after we closed on the house we went for our weekly counseling session and the Doc told us that it was time to start working on the lack of intimacy in the marriage. This also was two weeks after our second wedding anniversary. In that time frame, two years, we had had sex 8 times. There were other instances of intimacy but intercourse occurred only 8 times. Two periods of 8 months with zero sexual contact were included in that 2 years.
When the Doc announced that it was time to start addressing the lack of sex and physical intimacy in our relationship my XW stood up, confidently announced that she did not have a problem with sex, and walked out of session never to return. She left our marital home ~6wks later to move into the home of her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. I did not realize it, but... she did not have a problem with sex because she was riding every swinging Johnson she could get her hands on, except with her husband.
So, marriage therapy was both good for our marriage, and led to the realization that it was over.
thanks for your insight. Dh
thanks for your insight. Dh has major communication issues and completely just shuts down or takes it as critisizm, his past relationship was pretty volitile and a messy ending. Its different with me as i came from a happy marriage with great communication but sadly i lost him in an accident
thanks for sharing Rags, that
thanks for sharing Rags, that sounds like a very sad part of your life and im glad you and your current wife are so happy and have a succesful marriage. My DH will rarely communicate unless its a conversation about work which i assume is all he feels comfortable about talking about , as soon as feelings or issues need to be discussed , its like he turns into a brick and will walk away without even particpating, im not used to having things brushed under the carpet all the time
I am sorry that you have to
I am sorry that you have to have that level of disconnect in your marriage. I am not sure I could do that again.
One thing I came out of my first marriage with is certainty that I would not be in a marriage with secrets or a lack of closeness and full communication. I am fortunate to be married to my BFF and that we share and talk about everything. Even the difficult stuff.
My DW and I are fortunate to have our version of the marriage, partnership, friendship, and intimacy that my parents have and modeled for me and my brothers.
I hope that your DH can realize what he is doing to you and what he is missing with his disconnection and avoidance of communication with his bride.
Counseling did nothing for my
Counseling did nothing for my marriage because ExH would go in and blame everything on me because well he was infallible, which caused me to completely disengage from the process.
Counseling with SO has made a huge difference. At first I had to throw SO under the bus with the counselor because he was guarded and wouldn't open up. But as time went on he did grow more comfortable. But the biggest positive is even though SO may not have made changes or effort right away. He has made changes just in his own time. I my part I had to learn to be more patient and understanding and find ways to cope.
Me spending more time outside of the home has been good for SO, he has had to figure out and decide on his priorities on his own. He has also realized that I do not ask a lot and the little I do ask is enough to make me happy.
Counseling did help my DH and
Counseling did help my DH and I in our marriage, but it did not help with the step parenting front. Most counselors are not well versed in step family issues, and labor under the same advice to "love them like your own and eventually being a doormat to the skids will pay off."
We did solo and couples and
We did solo and couples and it helped immensely. It helped DH come to terms with his past choices, the estrangement from his 3 skids and understanding BM's actions in all of it. We would not be here today without it. It did help that his last therapist also was a divorced dad and totally got the games from BM as he had experienced them too. A good educated aware therapist is key though. Not every therapist has the knowledge for blended family dynamics.
thanks all for the insight
thanks all for the insight its very helpful. We are not going for anything to do with step parenting , that ship has sailed and i will not be going back into that role,, that is for DH and the kids mother to do , they are both welll and able and have the kid 50/50, DH is fine with actually hearing this from me. Another thing to note , we are not married nor ever been engaged, this is also part of the issue about never moving forward after all these years as he has been so scared from his previous volitile relationship where he was almost about to get married to the ex but a drug habit and other men got in the way , so i have been paying for her actions with my relationship and his fear of it all happening again,, he needs a lot of help to get past this. On another note, we are best friends and thats how we started off, we met at work and it grew from there, the attraction and chemistry has never left even after all these years and personally i think thats what has kept us together for so long. Its not all on him either , i have issues from losing my husband and hold on tight that this could potenially happen again which scares me but i also have moved forward and want to contiue to move forwrd with him. The thing that gives me hope is he wanted to go to counselling and is very open to someone helping him gain the tools he needs to be able to communicate on a mature level and move forward. One problem that always sits in the back of my head is the evil kid,, ok i dont have to have anything to do with the kid but i feel it prevents me from moving forward but i guess this will all come out with the counsellor
There is no escaping your
There is no escaping your partner's child. Trust me, I've tried.
Your partner is tied to their child. That child is a part of them. There is no just having your partner without having their child. You either accept both people or you leave.
For me, I chose to leave.
How old is his child?
How old is his child?
If he's under 18, how would you be able to be with your DH happily if you're not on board with his kid?
Not judging. I tried to keep the two seperate...doesn't work though
the kid is turning 14 soon.
the kid is turning 14 soon. They both lived with me for 5 years and it was just a disaster, i have raised my own son fulltime whom is 19 now and DH had very little to do with him during that time , never helped him through schooling, never did 'fatherly' things with him even though my son doesnt have a dad anymore and he didnt discpline my son unless i asked and needed assistance . My DH would come to my sons graduations etc and gave him money toward his first car etc but never took on a major role with him , i was ok with this as I had no ones opinion of how i should be raising my son forced upon me,, my son has done wonderfully and launched regardless of minimul input in his life. Thats the role im happy to be in with his kid. im happy to be polite and attend the odd graduation etc but thats about it. I told DH i would not live with them whie his kid is still in school and going back and forth 50/50 care with the mom. As the brat gets older he is more and more like the mother so it wouldnt suprise me if he eventually goes to live with his mom or grandma as its easier for the kid as dad is the only one with rules and he hates it. DH also has an older son who is amazing and im very close too (different mother though) I guess this is something i will work through and decide with the therapist.