You are here

Do not know how to handle this

trying to cope's picture

I admit that when it comes to my SD (17) I have a hard time saying anything positive.  I really need advice on how to live knowing she is important to my husband and how to minimize the horrible feelings I have when I hear her name or hear about her, or hear that my husband is doing something for her.  She has not lived with us for over a year, and I have not had to put up with her selfish manipulative dishonest crap in all that time and everythign has been awesome. My kids have not had to have her horrible influence for all this time.  

Some background; 2 months after I took her out for her 16th birthday and we had a great time (as I had ever year since she was 8), she started to misbehave and be disrepectful. She was so horrible and disrespectful to me and my husband refused to do anything about it for a long time, he always said he did not want to make her mad.  She did horrible things and he refused to give her a consequence, saying he did not want her to be mad at him.  He has always catered to her so she would not get mad at him.  Finally it got to the point where he and I were fighting constantly and we were basically headed for divorce and he finally realized that spoiling her and letting her get away with murder was not helping her, actually she finally was disrespectful to him, that is probably what did it actually. I tried over and over to talk to her and let her know I loved her. I had been begging for months for us to sit down all three of us as she had refused to talk to me alone (would walk right past me and slam her door), finally after over a year of total BS he agreed to make her sit down with us. I told her how much I loved her and how much her behavior had hurt me. She basically said she did not care, she did not like me, she did not have a reason for it, and she did not want to have anything to do with me. I told her that did not make sense as we had always gotten along just fine.  She even called me mom.  She said that she did not have a relationship with her mom so why should she care about having one with me (she always did have rocky relationship with her mom, I was the stable influence in her life). She actually said she just didnt like me anymore and did not really want to have anything to do with either of us, but he was her dad she did care about him. It was like a 2 hr conversation and at the end of it she refused to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part (she had done some very not ok things recently) and said she would do anything to get kicked out because she hated me and she hated being in our hose.  Nothing changed and it got worse.  Finally my husband told her she was not allowed to disrespect me any further and her response was to "run away" to her moms house.      

We had talked many times about when she turned 18 and moved out that my oldest son would move into that room, and she told her dad that she hated me and hated him for being married to me and abandoning her and was never ever coming back to our house.  So, I gave it 2 weeks and her mom told my husband she was indeed never ever coming back so I cleaned (it was disgusting, I had to clean things I do not even want to write about, absolutely filthy and disgusting) the room and nicely packed up all her belongings that she left behind and put her clothes in clean trash bags.  Apparently she planned on using the room as storage because she stopped by the grab some shoes while we were gone one day and got pissed off and told everyone that I threw all her things carelessly away in trash bags.  Not true.  I even used paper to wrap her breakables when I packed them in boxes.  90% of her clothes were dirty anyway, and I put them in brand new clean trash bags. My husband confirmed she had no intention of coming back to live with us, he again told her she was welcome if she was respectful and she told him she would never ever be respectful to me. 

She then told everyone that he abandoned her for his other family. So all her mom's family and most of my husband's were disgusted with me because I was cruel to her, I kicked her out, and I threw away all her belongings.  All untrue but no one cared about my side of the story. My husband blamed me for the whole thing and it took a long time and counseling to repair our relationship. She cut off all communication with him, he has tried to contact her non stop all this time.  ** My husband has always paid child support for her even when she lived with us full time, pays for her insurance, and has always covered all her basic expenses, even while paying child support.  I have never had a problem with this but really have a problem that he has always spoiled her (bad) even while admiting that she is undeserving and ungrateful, like really really bad.  

I guess recently she has asked him to pay for some things school related and he has, I have seen where she ignores everything he says, (via text) he will say how are you, i miss you, hope you are having a good day, etc.  Eventually she will say I need $50 for this or that, then ignores him again until she needs something. Because of this I just feel like she could not care less about him, just is being selfish like always.  She turns 18 in 2 weeks.  She still hates me with a passion and my husband avoids mentioning her to me because it does upset me.  However I know he wants a relationship with her, and I want that too, I want it to be a healthy one, not one where she gets money from him and ignores him the rest of the time. BUT I cant get the hurt and resentment I feel to go away. I dont want my kids around her.  Someday what if she has kids, (she is very irresponsible this may be sooner rather than later) and what if he wants to bring them to our house? I want nothing to do with them or her. 

I do not know how to handle this.  I loved her so much and did everything for her for so long and harbor so much pain and anger and resentment for how she has treated me.  I need to know how to move past this.  I know she is his daughter but I find myself hating even hearing her name. I dont even want to hang up her pictures because they make me cry.  It is not just anger but pain and sadness.  It consumed me before she left, and now I feel that way again and I need to know how to cope with her "existing". She continues to make it clear she hates me. I will be fine and then I think about her and just loose it. What do I do when she graduates, or like I said before, has kids? When my husband wants to take my kids to see her? My oldest misses her, but said she was very rude last time he saw her, I know that hurt his little feelings so much and that makes me soooo angry. My younger ones do not even remember her. WHAT DO I DO????

notasm3's picture

You do nothing but 100% remove her from your life.  Pretend like she is dead. Because the girl you once knew does not exist anymore. 

Stop trying to figure out why. She acts this way because she’s a POS. 

trying to cope's picture

do you have any advice for how I get rid of these horrible feelings?  I feel almost jealous when my husband has anything to do with her (or when she manipulates him as thats all it ever is).  How can I deal with her being in his life without loosing my mind. 

shamds's picture

they ignore hubby and if he tells sd during holidays since she’s busy with work and will take youngest daughter with him to spend holidays with him eldest sd ignores the request. She will say she goes with bio mum. 

Just about 2 weeks ago hubby was sick with flu and he had messaged his son at uni an hour away that he wasn’t feeling well and really sick. Ss21 response was “what you sick with? I’m very busy with uni as semester just started”

everything needs to be centred around him. Me and hubby had an argument days before this, a real critical point in our marriage and it hit him real hard how lonely he was. That he had continually allowed skids treat me and our 2 kids like dog shit, purely because hubby didn’t want drama and bio mum to go crazy bitch on us, but in hindsight it was for nothing when you have kids like this.

eldest sd is 23 and a graduate and in fulltime employment since almost 8 months ago, she gave hubby an ultimatum mid last year after no contact and disappearing for 5+ years that hubby is to continue paying cs to her indefinitely and used quotes from religious scriptures to justify it

I told hubby people go to university to be self sufficient but sd has no intention of this. Hubby has worked his arse off and can retire early as he’s basically worked so much, he’s worked past retirement age in a way. Sd has no shame demanding her dad now be forced and guilted to work even more than he originally planned out of her laziness...

i have disengaged and refused to meet skids, i despise them and their patheticness and they anger me alot and hubby upsets me... sd23 demands has in effect guilted hubby to now not be an active parent to our 2 toddlers who need him more than skids who ignore him until they need favours or money..

you can’t force contact and neither should your partner need to grovel to sd for her attention... its a hard place to manage

trying to cope's picture

"That he had continually allowed skids treat me and our 2 kids like dog shit, purely because hubby didn’t want drama and bio mum to go crazy bitch on us, but in hindsight it was for nothing when you have kids like this."

This is exactly how I feel!  Thank you for commenting.  If anything it makes me feel so much better to know I am not alone.  Because I feel alone, and have no one to talk to about this.  

MissTexas's picture

and all you can do is change how you choose to respond to her actions. I realize it is easier said than done, and it is also a process. Right now, this is something new for all of you.

As for the resentment when he contacts her, I have a similar situation. DH was just a good sperm donor. SD (who's close to 50) has perfected the art of both manipulation and guilting daaaadddeee to get what she wants and to get him to do what she tells him to do. It's a very long, painful story of betrayal.

Many will tell you you do not have a SD problem, you have a DH problem, and he has created this monster by letting her get away with anything and everything. At least he did try to stand up for you at some point, but I fear it was too late as she had been ALLOWED (& let's be clear, your husband's prevsious silence in these matters IS AFFIRMATION of her actions) to behave poorly, and with disrespect to you and to him. For me, to see and hear SD treat my husband as she does, and tell me he's stupid etc. hurts ME, as I have always treated my DH like ROYALTY, and with the highest regard and respect. He, has allowed HER TO ABUSE him for so long, he doesn't recognize it as abuse. This dysfuction is "thier normal."  So I get what you're describing here.

Now to the points you made about her name and her pictures. If I hear her name, it's as if PTSD kicks in, and I feel like cats are scratching my brain (similar to nails going down a chalkboard) my heart starts racing, all these negative memories surface, I feel sick to my stomach to the point I don't know which end I should put to the toilet. The same is true for even seeing her handwriting, hearing her voice, or seeing photos. So much so, that I have eliminated ALL pictures of her in the house. She had been cropping me out of photos from the beginning. And though I didn't like her or care for her, I was cordial, and I left the pictures out for DH. Not anymore. I could be in a perfectly happy state of mind, but then I'd see her picture, hear her voice or her name and everything would go downhill from there. I know it's terrible, but even being introduced with someone who has the same name, I automatically think, "I don't like you." And I know that's not fair, but these feelings run deep and they're very intense.

As for getting over this, I don't think you can fully. Affairs of the heart are always far more difficult to overcome. 
I consider you lucky. She's elected to walk out of your life, however, your DH will continue to grovel for any little crumbs she might throw his way.

You are NOT ALONE! So many wives are experiencing similar feelings, and these feelings are valid.

Jojab1636's picture

I am in the exact same boat as you.  I can't stand the slightest mention, phone call or whatever from them or about them.  It is sad but true.  It is very much like PTSD and I am struggling to find a way to manage those triggers.  I have a long way to go but I am here right with you!!  It's not that I don't  want my DH to have those relationships but I don't want to hear about it, talk about them or whatever.  It's not right but I have to take care of myself.  If you figure this out - please let me know!  smile

Rags's picture

Why would you feel bad about the absence of a toxic pain inducing person in your life?

You did nothing wrong.  She did.  There is a reason why people do not tolerate a dog that bites them every time they try to interface with it. Even if it was sweet as a puppy.  People are no different. This is not a 7yo this is a 17yo who will shortly be 18. 

The good news is that in a few months she will not only be 18 she will also be out of HS and will no longer be supported by resources provided by your household.  

Good riddance.  Since you are fully aware of her and the situation the feelings you are struggling with are in fact your choice.  So, stop feeling that way and start applying a detached analytical perspective to her and the situation rather than an engaged emotional one.

I applaud your DH for giving this kid clarity that she will not disrespect his wife. Time for his wife (YOU) to get on board and gain clarity that her presence is entirely dependent on her behavior. Load her crap in the trunk and go dump it on BM's doorstep with a text that you wanted her to have her stuff.

Then wash your hands and feelings of her until she grows up and can act as a reasonable adult.

End of problem.

When my XW and I were early in our divorce process we agreed to work together amicably. For the first month or so it was amicable.  Then my mom few into town and she and I drove her car on a week long road trip to visit my brother.  

My XW picked me up at the airport when I flew back after the trip with my mom.  When I had left on the trip  my XW was reasonable and engaged.  When she picked me up at the airport she had a scowl and demeanor that was decidedly hostile.  As we were driving home to the house we had purchased a couple of months before she went on a rant about how her coworkers had told her that an amicable divorce wasn't possible and how her mother was going on about how she should go after me for money rather than the agreement she had presented when she notified me she wanted a divorce.

I did not get my feelings hurt. I just assessed her new position and gave her a choice to abide by our original agreement (that she had put forward) or we would put it all in front of the Judge and let the Judge rule on the divorce and division of assets.  I made it clear that every little sordid detail of the marriage would become public record and that I would have the large cash gift that her parents had given us when she graduated from University put in the mix.  We had agreed to remain in the home we had purchased together until we got it sold.  She volunteered to move out of the Master bedroom into the other side of the house.  A few days after I returned from my trip with mom she moved out.   All very different than what we had been doing prior to my trip.

She decided to get nasty. So... I brought the pain.  I had all of the college papers I had written for her copied and notarized, I photo copied her diary photocopied and notarized and I showed up at a meeting with she and her divorce attorney with a sinister manila envelope positioned in front of me on the conference table.  Her attorney asked where my attorney was. I told them I did not need one for the meeting. Her attorney strongly advised that I have an attorney present. I told him to get the meeting started or I was gone.  He went on to outline that his client expected half of all marital assets, etc, etc, etc.... I handed him a signed copy of her originally proposed agreement. She said she had changed her mind and I responded that so had I and slid the menacing envelope over the table to her attorney and told her that when I said every sordid detail of the marriage would become public record I meant it.

In the envelope were the copies of every paper in both my original handwriting and the graded typed papers as well as her diary with select passages detailing her adulterous activity. I informed her that if she did not return to our original agreement that notarized copies of the college papers would be submitted to the Nursing school and in all likelihood her degree would be revoked for academic fraud.  Her attorney turned to her and told her that he advised that she return to the original agreement and that he could no longer represent her since he was an Adjunct Professor at the Law school at the university she had graduated from and the only reason he would not notify the school of her academic fraud was that he was bound by attorney client privilege.

She was PISSED!  She did agree to abide by her original proposal.  

This whole drama fest actually cost me about $25K since the cash out of her remaining college fund by her parents was not included in the original agreement. I did not care about the money. I cared about her abiding by the original agreement.

Purging emotion from the equation made the whole thing relatively easy for me.  I focused on me, worked with a therapist to address the personal consequences of that ultimately toxic relationship and got on with my life.

I suggest that you do the same regarding toxic SD-17.

Good luck.

Take care of  you.

beebeel's picture

Give yourself time to heal. It has been three years since my SD blew up her life and claimed she hated dh, me, our child and everything to do with us. This was after I did everything for the little shit for a decade. She is now approaching 18 and I can actually stand her presence again. It was at least 2 years after the major hurt was caused that my anger finally softened to apathy. It takes time.

Charmaigne's picture

I don't really care for my bf 25 year old daughter its like they were bf and of I hated it.. Lying story short she moved an hour away and I only talk about her if he does.. And not really I pretend to show interest like oh wow..really? That's so good? ...blah blah  good ridens.. So he will go to see her she hasn't even been to our new place yet... Perfection.. Sorry not sorry..