Do not know how to handle this
I admit that when it comes to my SD (17) I have a hard time saying anything positive. I really need advice on how to live knowing she is important to my husband and how to minimize the horrible feelings I have when I hear her name or hear about her, or hear that my husband is doing something for her. She has not lived with us for over a year, and I have not had to put up with her selfish manipulative dishonest crap in all that time and everythign has been awesome. My kids have not had to have her horrible influence for all this time.
Some background; 2 months after I took her out for her 16th birthday and we had a great time (as I had ever year since she was 8), she started to misbehave and be disrepectful. She was so horrible and disrespectful to me and my husband refused to do anything about it for a long time, he always said he did not want to make her mad. She did horrible things and he refused to give her a consequence, saying he did not want her to be mad at him. He has always catered to her so she would not get mad at him. Finally it got to the point where he and I were fighting constantly and we were basically headed for divorce and he finally realized that spoiling her and letting her get away with murder was not helping her, actually she finally was disrespectful to him, that is probably what did it actually. I tried over and over to talk to her and let her know I loved her. I had been begging for months for us to sit down all three of us as she had refused to talk to me alone (would walk right past me and slam her door), finally after over a year of total BS he agreed to make her sit down with us. I told her how much I loved her and how much her behavior had hurt me. She basically said she did not care, she did not like me, she did not have a reason for it, and she did not want to have anything to do with me. I told her that did not make sense as we had always gotten along just fine. She even called me mom. She said that she did not have a relationship with her mom so why should she care about having one with me (she always did have rocky relationship with her mom, I was the stable influence in her life). She actually said she just didnt like me anymore and did not really want to have anything to do with either of us, but he was her dad she did care about him. It was like a 2 hr conversation and at the end of it she refused to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part (she had done some very not ok things recently) and said she would do anything to get kicked out because she hated me and she hated being in our hose. Nothing changed and it got worse. Finally my husband told her she was not allowed to disrespect me any further and her response was to "run away" to her moms house.
We had talked many times about when she turned 18 and moved out that my oldest son would move into that room, and she told her dad that she hated me and hated him for being married to me and abandoning her and was never ever coming back to our house. So, I gave it 2 weeks and her mom told my husband she was indeed never ever coming back so I cleaned (it was disgusting, I had to clean things I do not even want to write about, absolutely filthy and disgusting) the room and nicely packed up all her belongings that she left behind and put her clothes in clean trash bags. Apparently she planned on using the room as storage because she stopped by the grab some shoes while we were gone one day and got pissed off and told everyone that I threw all her things carelessly away in trash bags. Not true. I even used paper to wrap her breakables when I packed them in boxes. 90% of her clothes were dirty anyway, and I put them in brand new clean trash bags. My husband confirmed she had no intention of coming back to live with us, he again told her she was welcome if she was respectful and she told him she would never ever be respectful to me.
She then told everyone that he abandoned her for his other family. So all her mom's family and most of my husband's were disgusted with me because I was cruel to her, I kicked her out, and I threw away all her belongings. All untrue but no one cared about my side of the story. My husband blamed me for the whole thing and it took a long time and counseling to repair our relationship. She cut off all communication with him, he has tried to contact her non stop all this time. ** My husband has always paid child support for her even when she lived with us full time, pays for her insurance, and has always covered all her basic expenses, even while paying child support. I have never had a problem with this but really have a problem that he has always spoiled her (bad) even while admiting that she is undeserving and ungrateful, like really really bad.
I guess recently she has asked him to pay for some things school related and he has, I have seen where she ignores everything he says, (via text) he will say how are you, i miss you, hope you are having a good day, etc. Eventually she will say I need $50 for this or that, then ignores him again until she needs something. Because of this I just feel like she could not care less about him, just is being selfish like always. She turns 18 in 2 weeks. She still hates me with a passion and my husband avoids mentioning her to me because it does upset me. However I know he wants a relationship with her, and I want that too, I want it to be a healthy one, not one where she gets money from him and ignores him the rest of the time. BUT I cant get the hurt and resentment I feel to go away. I dont want my kids around her. Someday what if she has kids, (she is very irresponsible this may be sooner rather than later) and what if he wants to bring them to our house? I want nothing to do with them or her.
I do not know how to handle this. I loved her so much and did everything for her for so long and harbor so much pain and anger and resentment for how she has treated me. I need to know how to move past this. I know she is his daughter but I find myself hating even hearing her name. I dont even want to hang up her pictures because they make me cry. It is not just anger but pain and sadness. It consumed me before she left, and now I feel that way again and I need to know how to cope with her "existing". She continues to make it clear she hates me. I will be fine and then I think about her and just loose it. What do I do when she graduates, or like I said before, has kids? When my husband wants to take my kids to see her? My oldest misses her, but said she was very rude last time he saw her, I know that hurt his little feelings so much and that makes me soooo angry. My younger ones do not even remember her. WHAT DO I DO????