Advice on when DH sees SD and you don’t
Hi
posted here previously. Cut a long story short out of the blue SD refused to see her dad anymore and went to counselling as suddenly after 15 months coming to ours each weekend she had "extreme anxiety" which was directed to us. She was fine to go on holidays with grandparents , sleepovers etc etc but she could not face her dad. Months and months asking why she won't see him got us just "I don't know". BM refused to force her to come because she wouldn't force her to see us as she was hysterical at the thought and wanted to get to the bottom of it. In reality it was convenient as she wanted SD all to herself.
9 months on BM now wants DH to see SD again but fir 6 hours a month and is not allowed to bring her here or have any contact with me because apparently the anxiety was that she could not spend quality time either her dad. That's crap they had loads of time each weekend.
so BM has sols who is putting a proposal to the court for an initial ) hours a month of a weekend. Then she wants to extend it. Likelihood is DH is going to have to get what he can and I can't help but feel resentful that she caused all of this trouble and upset and now it looks like she's going to get her own way she's back to texting him like the anxiety never even existed.
my question is do any of you have arrangements where just your DH visits their child, did you end up feeling resentful at all and what impact did it have on your relationship?
thank you
Me
After 12 years of hell, with a final humiliating event witnessed by 30+ people (including my kids), I have cut myself off from DHs kids. It's been 4 years since I've seen them. DH sees them away from our home, I don't ask questions and he rarely shares anything about them or his grandkids. When he does, I just answer with "oh that's nice, how sweet, oh, cute, blah blah." No follow up questions.
DHs kids are all adults though so a bit different in your situation. And I'm probably not the best to give advice on court battles. For me, DH seeing his kids apart from me was the most beneficial thing for ME and MY health. While I have a bit of disgust with how we have to do things, it's easily overcome knowing how peaceful my life has been these past 4 years (or rather the last year, as I spent 3 years in counseling recovering from the horrid treatment I endured by 5 assholes. Done.
Wish you the best in the custody/visitation case.
Lol...thank your lucky stars
Let DH see SD away from you.
From your post I surmise that your SD is really young.aybe 10? 12?
Just imagine what it is like to see a mini BM running around your house for years and sitting on daddy's lap acting like BM all while openly antagonizing you. Daddy is mush and only listens to mini BM while you cook, clean Maintain a job and the household. All the while you can't say anything because daddy protects his little ' angel' from anybody bit BM. And you feel resentful to be losing that?
Say thank you and move along.
However the visits should ABSOLUTELY NOT OCCUR AT BM HOUSE.
Cynical me says SD won't ask
Cynical me says SD won't ask for visits at BM's or MIL's home. I foresee a request for a mall visit. But, I suggest a local park (if the weather is good) or library visit. DH can bring some board games and a picnic lunch. Nothing says quality time than a game and homemade lunch.
Since BM is taking this to court, DH can ask the court to order reunification therapy.
Thanks everyone. Yes she will
Thanks everyone. Yes she will only want shopping sprees. The only time she was interested in me was if I was going shopping and when we would go it would be hints that she wished she could have this and that, how her mum can't afford to buy her things. I grew wise to it and stopped buying her things and as soon as I did I no longer had a purpose. I've suggested he takes her to parks , library etc because I don't agree that after all the trouble she has caused , the onset of sudden anxiety with our house generally, him and I for nearly a year to now and it being all because she just wants to see him alone should be rewarded with shopping trips. Incidentally she would spend loads of time just them 2 together. I believe the issue me she doesn't want me there at my own house in any way shape or form.
In addition to other things I'm glad she no longer wants to come here but wondered what it realistically means for mine and DH's relationship. It's likely he will be ordered more hours than the initial 6 per month. Over time I'm worried I will resent DH. I feel like he was not as assertive with her when this all started and she as a child should have just came. All of this fussing about and her going nuts crying etc has made me so angry with comments from BM how she's concerned something was going on at our home , to now saying to the court, DH has a conspiracy theory why she doesn't want to see him (meaning PA), and doesn't understand he can't see she just wants quality time alone with dad. What?! We only found out the reason was that when the court papers came through. We have been going crazy with worry after BM saying she's throwing up, having panic attacks etc and it's just really because she cannot have DH alone - that's not a rational response! Where he will take SD on those rainy days I've no idea. Library's close very early saturdays. He can't bring her back here (thankfully) . He could take her to maybe his mums who already sees her a few times a week (as she does all the helping out with BM , some school pick ups for example and has her over. However BM part of the problem DH not been happy about this so relationship is strained. )
no idea really what the court will order but likely they'll just give SD what she wants , to see DH on her terms. Seems sad that I will not see DH on our only day off together at the weekend because SD clicks her fingers but maybe this is the best out of a whole load of crap options.
Can you submit a letter to the court?
I don't know if that's a thing or not. But it's an idea.
The judge is supposed to take into account what hardship it might cause current family as well. Maybe it is worth mentioning to the judge that it would cause you and your kid to lose the only day you actually see your husband.
Edit: has a psychologist evaluated SD to determine any of this is actually true? Your DH has the right to have her evaluated by his own pick of therapists if I'm not mistaken. I think it would staighten out real quick if he says " sure I'm gonna see you alone but we have to go see this nice psychologist for this whole time we are together! He will give you an evaluation blah blah." That would also solve the the problem of where they will go on rainy days.
Kids see stuff like this everywhere in the media and can think it's a good idea to do things like this usually the reality that they might have to go to doctors for years because their parents are very concerned snaps them out of it and they admit the lie.
You can be 1000% sure that BM
You can be 1000% sure that BM is orchestrating everything. She loves it that her daughter doesn't want to share her dad/her ex with you. She's pulling all the strings, to include your husband/her ex's. I'm thinking you need to explain all this rationally and calmly with your husband and strongly tell him he needs to communicate with his daughter that you are his wife and he, you and she will be spending much more family time together because this is forever. If he doesn't pointedly get the message across to your SD, then you are absolutely in for many years of hell to come. Your husbad needs to use his gonads! If your husband gets the picture and takes action as described above, be ready for a temporary period of extra anger from your SD AND her mom, but eventually they both will see that they aren't in control anymore. The BM is thee culprit most of the time.
As of Covid starting my two
As of Covid starting my two kids and I haven't seen ss13. Dh has gone to visit him. I prefer it. I don't want to see him or have him influence my kids. As long as your dh isn't taking her on shopping sprees and spending tons of money on her, be glad you don't have to see her. What's the benefit of seeing her, honestly?
DH needs to smack BM with a contempt motion
.... every time she fails to surrender SD for visitation as defined in the CO. Seeing mommy get served and then chewed up by the judge may just give this kid some clarity.
I second this
I agree with Rags!
I would like to add:
DH could have called a police officer the first time he was told SD will not come over. The officer could have assessed the scene. The officer can also call CPS to evaluate either house for safety issues. This can be done now/ at any point as well.
BM1 tried this type of stuff with us and we were at the court tout de suite. She learned that b*** games win B*** prizes. The second time she decided to try some legal BS we were polite and let her go first( of course that meant SHE paid). It didn't happen again.