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Life with a Nut Job

frustrated24's picture

So I was telling someone today that I should create a blog about the many adventures of my life while dealing with my husbands crazy ex. I was just joking at the time but then I got to thinking about it and thought it would be therapeutic. I cant fully vent to anyone and sometimes I feel like dealing with her crazy butt is making me crazy! I also just dont know what to do sometimes or how to go about handling things. Cue my membership to this site and my first blog. Smile

a little background:
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have a son together and I have a 7yo boy from another relationship. Both of my boys live with us full time and my 7yo has not seen his biodad since he was 2 months i.e. never. My husband is in the process of adopting him which in itself is a whole other story and something I may post about another day for advice.
My husband has a son who is 5 years old. His ex wife moved out of state when my SS was 10 months old and my husband was stationed in the military and obviously not able to follow her. So we are in different states which make visitation very hard and costly.

I am frustrated because we have been in court with this witch for almost 3 straight years and she has pulled every manipulation in the book to avoid letting either one of us have a relationship with my SS. The latest was finding a therapist for hire who she pays cash to who told theh court that SS has such severe seperation anxiety from Biomom that extended visits were not in his best interest and my husband should have to travel out of state for weekend visits regularly. Now that my husband has been doing so the judge ordered increased visitation at the discretion of the therapist. SS would suposedly tell the therapist "I dont want to spend the night with my dad" and the therapist would say we have to respect the 5yo childs wishes. My husband asked his son why he doesnt want to stay with daddy and his son said "because bob told me not to" (bob is one of the numerous men that mom is with). my husband brought this up and was told "it doesnt matter" by the "therapist".
however, lately my SS has apparently been voicing a desire to come visit his dad. When biomom found out about this she had to find another way to manipulate the visits so I became her target.
I have never liked her because she is a horrible mom. She uses her child as a pawn to obtain her needs and is probably the most bitter, hate filled, miserable person you have ever met despite her multiple xanax a day. She is just one of those people who you can sense is just so ugly inside.
She has never wanted me to have a relationship with SS. I am not allowed to talk or skype with him, and before the judge put a stop to it, if I was in the car during a pick up, my husband was not allowed to see his child.
When we do have my SS he takes awhile to warm up to me but then he comes around and wants to hold my hand and even started calling me "Mommy Jane". He says "I love you" to me and seems to really want my attention. I can tell there are some off things about him sometimes but im not surprised because of who his mother is.
After he started asking about "Mommy Jane" in front of his biomom, the therapist demanded "I stop forcing him to call me mommy as I was causing him trauma". The visit after that he started to say "Mommy Jane" but stopped, shook his head, and said "No my mom said I am not allowed to call you that". Biomom also would call me when we had him for visits and accuse me of "failing as a stepparent" because we had plans for the "only time of day she was available" to skype, etc... or she would call and accuse me of hurting her son. When I do let her skype o talk to him she guilt trips him to the point of tears about him being away from her. It is sad to watch.

I have backed off from trying to have a relationship with SS because I am accused of things at every turn and I just have no fight left. It is too much drama. He hasnt been to our house in almost a year and I have not seen him since May.
However, now that SS is wanting to visit his dad at our home, she is accusing me of being the cause for SS's supposed behavior regression after visits when I am around and saying that I am not the step parent I need to be and it is my attitude and behavior and the horrible way I treat her son that affects him. so badly. She said it is no wonder that when visits are without my presence that SS does so well etc... (mind you a few short months ago it was the "seperation anxiety" that was the reason for his behavior after visits. Now, even though I havent seen my SS, it is my treatment of him that is the problem.

I sent her a text message telling that her lies and accusations were old and that I have always been kind to my SS and have never treated him badly or differently. I told her that just because I think she is a bitter selfish disturbed excuse for a mother does not mean that my SS will ever know that from me or be treated differently. I brought up the fact that she has tried her hardest to keep my SS away from his father and family and that I have never been allowed to be a stepparent by her. I told her that she needs to move on that we were over it.
She copied the text message to the therapist and attorneys and sent it to them saying that they all need to know my "true colors".
Everyday she comes up with something new that I have done or something new to complain about. I feel like I am going nuts! I shared maybe 5% of the crap she has done over the past 3 years with you guys. I just dont know what to do anymmore.


frustrated24's picture

I guess what I need besides having achance to vent is advice about how to handle this. It pisses me off to be accused of lies and have her drag me into her need for constant attention and drama but even more than that I dont know what to do to protect myself an my husband. I dont want to be accused of things by her and the "therapist" she hired. And I certainly dont want her bitterness to affect my husbands ability to have a relationship with his son. We cannot afford for him to keep traveling out of state one weekend a month but his crazy ex always finds a way to prevent him from being able to come to our home. I also dont want him to come to our home and then be accused of random things. I just dont know what to do!

BTW, in case you are wondering my husband and I are not in anyway bad people or a bad enviroment for my SS. just to put it in perspective my husband is a federal officer, I am a Nurse, our children are well rounded and happy, we own our own home and each child including my SS has their own room. My husbands ex wife lives in her sisters basement and works at Hooters part time.

Annanymous's picture

Two things you can do that is all that is in your power to control:

1. Do not allow him to call you "mommy Jane" or any variation thereof ever (unless you are residential SM raising the child as the parent with no BM involvement- and that means no visitation or CS or anything, not an EOW NCP BM because that is still MOM). You are not raising him as a parent and are not a parental figure in his life, as a long-distance NCP-SM, you have no tasks of stepparenting other than being kind, cordial, and welcoming much like if you had a nephew visiting. You would correct and monitor the child as a child in your supervision IF the parent were not around (I.E. if DH goes to the store), but if the parent is present, you would not be directly supervising or directing the child and would leave that to his parents. Never never allow or encourage "Mommy Jane".

2. Texting her gives her ammunition. Your texts can and will be documentation and proof, and you cannot explain it later. You should have no contact with a long distance BM at all. You're not a co-parent with your DH to this child, you are his wife and mother of his other child. Leave ALL communication with BM strictly to DH and do not ever text or call BM for any reason.

3. It is almost instinctual to hate and despite the nasty evil BM, but step back and try to see it from the other side - if your DH leaves you and remarries, are you going to be all keen on your little baby visiting DH and his new wife "Mommy NewGirl"? What if Mommy NewGirl sends you texts? While your BM may be bat-shit crazy and truly evil, it is cathartic for your own well being to step back and try to see from her perspective, even if it is deluded from her side with jealousy or bitterness or whatever. Then think WHY do you hate her so bad and let it get to you? This is a woman DH slept with and made a baby with, so it is HIS responsibility to deal with, and you can be a supporter for him, but not a full equal participant - that is between the two parents.

These things right here will decrease the problems, imo, as the only things you have any ability to control, since you cannot change or control BM's actions or behaviors.

By stepping back from the drama and allowing DH to handle his business himself, you alleviate that aggitation a little, which is less for the two of you to be agitated about or even argue about, listen to him bitch if he does, say "that sucks honey" and redirect him to loving family at home time. If BM acts out, not your problem.

A lot of times, she will be acting out and withholding and vicious feeling her territory threatened, even with the best intentions, it is perceived as threatening to her as mother. When you're not a threat at all, it takes the hot air all out of her and she has nothing.

PracticingPatience's picture

I feel for you. She does sound nuts. We have a crazy BM, too. I'm so sick of all this rhetoric about doing what's best for the child', yet this sexist movement continues with giving BM's so much control with physical custody. Is it really best for a child to not have a relationship with their Father. No! My DH has joint custody, but is non-custodial -non-physical. Which really means BM controls when we see SD, other than eow. We have to go through hoops just to get her to agree to letting SD go on a 3 night trip with us. It is SO not best for the child. These laws need to change, or these horror stories are going to continue. Let's not excuse these BM's because they are no longer married to their husbands, and their husbands moved on, therefore they are justified in acting crazy. It's so obviously jealousy and bitterness that causes these BM's to act so vindictively.

rosie33's picture

I completely sympathize with you and honestly don't have much advice merely because I have been there, done that and am at a loss too. I swept so many things under the rug with the BM including going to a counseling session with her. She is the crazy of all crazies and it sounds like you have the same. I could go on and on as well. I would suggest maybe your DH taking him to his own threapist, maybe even all three of you. Give the therapist a little insight and go from there. Sounds like she has her threapist under her thumb. I feel bad for your SS because it seems like he does want a relationship with you but he's never gonna be allowed to do that. Our BM tried that with her youngest, still does, he's just getting old enough to see through it. Her oldest wants nothing to do with it. I have a lot in common with her kids that she never did so her liking me will never happen. Hang in there though and GL!