Mother in law has no loyalty
I cannot figure this one out. Cut a long story short out of the blue one day my husbands daughter was allowed to make the decision that she no longer wanted to see her dad. They'd had a great relationship and all of a sudden at 10 she felt that she was too anxiety ridden to see her dad anymore but fine to still stay over at her mates and of course, my husbands mum's. Step daughter treated my husband like crap. Incidentally she was quite awful to me and my kids, blocking us and would give my husband the silent treatment. He would turn up for visits and she would go nuts, ignore his texts, calls etc. No one challenges this child. Husband tried to find out what was going on and his daughter just wanted to be able to go round her mates etc. She refused to call my husband in his birthday , Father's Day , Christmas etc but happily takes all the Christmas money gifts we send.
what I struggle with is why my husbands mother, despite how her granddaughter treats her son, never questions or asks why she treats her dad the way she does. I've heard my husband ask his mum for some support and she refuses to get involved. She rewards the bad behaviour by spoiling the granddaughter. On the first occasion she took her on holiday but never once encouraged the child to call her dad or respond to his texts. The child's mother is a nightmare and says it's up to her daughter if she wants to see him. Yet again mother in law still stops by round thr ex's house does the school runs and essentially plays the part my husband used to. When my husband asks her to stop bring pally with the ex she refuses. I just don't understand where the loyalty is . Yet if the mother in law is ever in financially difficulty who does she call? My husband to loan her money . anyone else experience this?
We have similar issues with
We have similar issues with MIL. When DH still took BM's phone calls, she would regularly tell him, 'if you don't agree to this, then I will just tell your mother about it and then she'll force you to do it." Without fail, if he did not give in to BM's demands, he'd get a call from MIL about why couldn't he just go along with what BM wanted.
We had one SS who said he was "too traumantized" to come to our house. He also wanted to go to his friend's house...and BM also wanted more CS and used that as leverage. Both MIL and BIL got involved to help BM out. It essentially destroyed DH's relationship with MIL and BIL...not even sure if they realize that, although he told them how it hurt him and both refused to apologize. DH asked both of them for support during his divorce and they both told him they "couldn't get involved"...he wasn't asking them to get involved, he just wanted some help. When BM calls, they can get involved, though? It's BS.
As for your MIL calling to ask for money..."I'm sorry, I must have missed your call."
"not getting involved" is
"not getting involved" is code for they've chosen the other side.
My MIL did similar to both DH
My MIL did similar to both DH and BIL (though BIL's situation with his ex and kid is very different). Basically, my MIL became buddy-buddy with BM because she had access to her grandkids. She bet that BM would always have custody, and that by being buddy-buddy with BM that BM would keep her included.
Well, BM can't keep a relationship to save her life, so MIL and BM would have falling outs all the time. Then MIL would call DH upset because BM was treating her just as poorly as BM treated DH. But, since MIL got in the middle of custody stuff and gave DH crap all the time for not just giving in to BM to make MIL's relationship with BM better, DH started ignoring her.
Now? DH has custody of YSS, and guess who doesn't get invited to see/talk to YSS? Guess who OSS doesn't have a relationship with? Yep. DH doesn't facilitate a relationship between his mom and kids because he doesn't want to interact with her AND doesn't find her to be a good influence. So yes, she got a few "good" years of playing grandma at the expense of a long-term relationship with her grands AND lost her relationship with her son.
I think these ILs view their kids and grandkids like puppy dogs: they're obsessive when they're younger, but throw them away when they're older. I hope it's worth it.
It really does amaze me how
It really does amaze me how MIL places their own interests before their sons. It doesn't matter to her that he's not had contact for 9 months as long as nothing interrupts her own contact
I'm guessing these types of
I'm guessing these types of MILs convince themselves it's "for the child." Their mere presence will improve the child's life. Strangely, these are usually the types of women whose presence is likely to add drama and teach the child manipulation, in my experience.
I do think my MIL felt that
I do think my MIL felt that way. Example: BM wanted to participate in ALL the PTA fundraisers, especially ones at restaurants, movie theaters, skating rinks, etc. She'd often come to DH for money for these activities.
There were times when DH would say no, usually because he'd already paid above and beyond CS or spent money on a fundraiser (there were at least two a month for various things) and wanted to keep the $60 he could spend on the fundraiser to do something fun with the boys.
One time, there was a skating fundraiser. DH told BM he wasn't giving her money for it because 1) the boys don't skate, and 2) he was tired of paying for literally every single activity she did with the kids. BM must have complained to MIL, because later that night, MIL called and b*tched out DH for not coming to pay for the kids so she "had to" and now he owed her $60.
At no point did she think to ask her son WHY he didn't give BM the money. To say DH was pissed is an understatement. MIL saw an opportunity to swoop in and be the hero "for the kids" because her son was being a "deadbeat". Ultimately, though, she didn't have the $60 to spend, so really she needed DH to pay her back because she was going to be behind on her bills if he didn't.
These women have the wires twisted in their brains. They put on a really lovely show to those around them that they're a "good grandma" but the background is much less sparkly. It's the epitome of "ignore the man behind the curtain".
There's that savior complex
There's that savior complex again. The more i read about it, the more i see it as a part of a dysfunctional pattern. That impulse to swoop in and rescue (and sometimes seek attention for it, too), instead of stopping a minute to think about what's the best course of action. The drama triangle theory with victim/rescuer/persecutor is a bit overly simplistic, but i see it everywhere now. In your case, BM is the victim. MIL is the rescuer, and your DH is the persecutor since he's just trying to keep his poor ex from having fun with his son. I think a lot of "meddling" family members see themselves as the rescuer. "Only I can save poor (whoever)! Me!"
In my case, MIL and BIL
In my case, MIL and BIL definitely see themselves as the savior. Both of them have told DH they have to get involved, so "SSs know they are loved!" As if they don't know that DH loves them...or as if DH doesn't act as though he loves them. Letting BM bulldoze him is not exactly a sign of love for his children. Does he want to send the signal to them that you should let a woman bulldoze you or that you should have enough self-respect to not let someone treat you poorly, even if you were foolish enough to have children with that woman?
In my case, MIL is also a bit of a narc and there's great power for her in being the savior and having direct access to SSs without DH being involved. She always tried to position herself as the "mother figure" in their lives when DH was not around. I think BIL has self-esteem issues or maybe feels his life did not end up as wonderful as he thought, so it feeds his ego to be the savior to BM and SSs...makes him feel superior to DH.
I have experienced this100%
Yes! My MIL was exactly like this with the added picking up the kids and then dropping them over with my DH if she spontaneously made other plans, keeping them way past their bedtimes several days a week, borrowing money from DH to buy stuff for/with the BMs and their other sons( both BM have kids from other relationships) nothing that is only for just her grandchildren, expecting to crash with all of the kids in the neighborhood at my house unannounced , constantly berating my DH parenting while acting like she was the SS parent and the BM were actually her daughters.
KICKER: SHE WAS PAYING ALCOHOLIC BM1'S BILLS FOR MONTHS WHILE BM HAD A LIVEIN BOUFRIEND AND WAS TRYING TO TAKE DH TO COURT FOR MORE CS( during this time she kept asking for loans from DH ).
That woman was a walking lesson in having and enforcing boundaries.( She is out of state now).
Yup. I would tell your husband no more letting mom borrow money. No more sending gifts to Ss. No more reinforcing bad behavior by rewarding it.
DH mom should be his mother first.