New here, seeking some advice.
First off, i hope i put this into the correct spot.
Im not sure what to call myself. I guess you can say bf of someone with kids. My gf and i have been together almost 4yrs now. She has 2 girls of her own, 4 and 8. I myself was never blessed despite being married before. Alao, both kids are differant fathers. I feel they need to be in their kids life and have never tried to block them from talking/seeing them.
Anyways, im needing some help in trying to find a way to regain peace in our house. You can cut the tension out of the air.
I will openly admit, i can come off as super strict and controling at times. I was raised children are to be seen, not heard. I want to change but dont know how. Im constantly butting heads with Tori, the 8yr old. Im tired of it, im tired of fighting with her and both of our hearts hurting afterwards.
Are there any methods or work activities we can do together to find a ground to find peace on? I want things to get better. Im not going to quit and give up on anyone in this family. Ive come to far with them to walk away considering i plan to propose to their mom and want both in the planning of it.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.
As Ditz said, some more information would help get you some more informed input.
As a StepDad myself I understand your desires and you dilemma. For me taking action is what worked to build the feelings of love toward my SS and a good relationship with him. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo so I am the only dad he has life long memories of. He had regular long distance visitation with his BioDad which was 7wks per year. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring)
What worked for us was helping with his homework, going to parks and hiking on the weekends, coaching his sports teams, and just being his dad. Not that we did not have behavioral struggles, we certainly did. Mostly associated with his Sperm Idiot visitations. Which is pretty much normal in many blended families. SS would start his pre-visitation behavioral degradations a couple of weeks before he left for Sperm Land visitation and it would take 3-4weeks of post visitation behavioral detox to get him back to normal after a Sperm Land visitation. If your SD-8 is seeing her BioDad on a regular basis it may be that she does not have time to detox from those visitations.
I too was a strict parent but fortunately so was my bride for the most part. When we disagreed we were able to compromise on most occasions. A big part of that came from my stance that is she did not like how I parented and disciplined SS then she could step up and get it done before I had to. That worked for us.
SS is now 22 and doing great on his own. His mom and I are completely enjoying our empty nester adventure.
If you and your SO are equity life partners in your relationship then it is imperative in my opinion that you also be equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. Like you I did not have children with my XW. In our family the Skid is an only child. He has 3 younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two more baby mamas on the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool though. The toxicity and drama on the Sperm Clan side of his family was the source of the majority of my Skid related drama. If I had not made the effort to connect and participate in his life as an equity parent we likely would never have built a strong relationship and his Sperm Clan drama would have had far more impact and detrimental influence on our relationship and on our family.
Give action a try. It worked for us.
Good luck.
By strict, i mean i dont
By strict, i mean i dont accept excuses for stuff done wrong when they know better. Controlling, im one of those ppl who like to control the situation. Im quick to re-act and if they dont listen. I slip into this military like discipline where its my way or no way.
My gf, shes beside me on most of the issues. We have different parenting styles. Shee is more relaxed, while im strict. She wants me to ease up and relax though. She is worried i will make the girls hate me. I promised her id seek help somehow/someway to find a way to ease up and work things out.
Tori, the 8yr old. We but heads alot over her lack of respect towards any adult. Refusal to listen to anyone and general bossiness towards her sister and other kids. I was taught you treat others how you would want to be treated. Not be mean to them and disrespect them.
I dont feel interogated, no worries there. Im at the point ive realized i need help and will try to supply as much information as possible and needed.
My DP thought I was "too
My DP thought I was "too strict" as well. He knows I grew up in a household with A LOT of rules, expectations and inflexibility - that didn't change as I grew older and was a very responsible older teenager/young adult. That's what he doesn't quite get; that I have issues with my parent's strictness because they actually were not flexible.
So my "strictness" about the following he objected to was: not accepting backtalk/smart mouth, not listening to or respecting adult direction/instructions, not picking up after yourself, assisting with something when asked, being all-around TOO LOUD and obnoxious when others were in the same room first, not eating normal food or even trying it, not cleaning up bedrooms, getting out the door on time to get to school or other meeting time, and on and on and on.
So the first thing I did was "disengage" - before I knew what it was and right before I found this site (like many others). I just stopped doing any discipline unless I was the only adult around or if someone was in danger. DP actually saw then the chaos the SDs were creating everywhere they went. Your partner/spouse, must first realize this in order to change anything.
I started disengaging around September and DP now has SDs cleaning up after themselves (most of the time, but not well enough to my standards, but well enough) especially when asked. It backslid in December when DP realized their attitudes needed work so he's working with them on that now. DP has been the driver of all of it. I can give him feedback if he wants it and we are working together on some things (without SDs knowing about it - very important!).
I had to ease up. I had to back off. I worked with DP to find a balance he and I were comfortable with. Talk with your SO - you need to find a balance. Then stick to it.
Hi everyone I am a newbie and
Hi everyone I am a newbie and want to learn Parenting. I am a mOm of a 3 yr old daughter
Such a hard one, but agree
Such a hard one, but agree with Cover - as much as possible let their BM do the parenting. They will resent it coming from you - especially if you're overly controlling/strict.
There are those times when you will need to step up (when BM is not around) - in this case, try to have a balanced approach and treat the kids with the respect you'd like to receive. Don't forget you're a role model to them. It will also help if you and your partner can be on the same page parenting style wise.
Take a look at this article below. As much as possible, you want to be aligning to authoratative (not authotarian). It can be hard when you have a default style, but I think as adults it is our responsibility to be monitoring our own behaviour, much more than we expect from kids. The more you do now to develop a relationship where the kids will and can listen, the easier the teenage years will be. They will be more likely to ignore/lie/rebel from a strict approach.
http:/ /www.parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style.html