Narcissistic/Boarder Line Personality Disorder/Conflict by Proxy
I've known my husband since the 1st grade and we were best friends during high school. We began dating our Junior year, but broke up after graduation. We got back together our first month of college, but two weeks prior we had a horrible fight and both had one-night stands. As crazy as it might sound- that night ended in pregnancy for both of us. We decided to make it work and my husband has been the father of my son since the day the test read positive.
My stepson's mother went MIA went she was 5 months pregnant and we heard rumors she had terminated the pregnancy.
The night my son was born my MIL sent my husband a photo of this woman pregnant stating "going into labor." I found out later my MIL knew all along and waited until that night to make the announcement.
My sons bio-father gave up rights for a modeling career.
My in-laws have used my stepson against me from day one. His mother left him at the hospital and signed over her rights. She has used this to pity him and make him a victim. Always comparing my son and SS to make it seem like my son is delayed or not as smart. Always putting him above everyone and everything.
I had my daughter 14 months later at 20 years old. My husband joined the AF- mainly to get out of that town and away from his parents, but also to provide. He went to training and then deployed a month later. He was gone 17 months. I was not married to my husband when he first joined so he had to give temporary custody to his parents. During his absence I lived at home so I could finish college and have help.
During this time I was only allowed to visit their home to see my stepson. I would be insulted, my son put down, and accused of mistreating and not loving my SS. So I stayed away. They would demand my daughter for the night at 5pm. I set firm boundaries even then and they would get angry, accuse me of keeping her from them, and created a smear campaign. I didn't allow my children to stay anywhere but with me. I couldn't make frequent visits because of the abuse.
I attempted to discuss my feelings and they would act like I was lying, crazy, or "love drama."
When my husband return we moved 420 miles away and made plans to visit monthly the first year. Our children's grandparents played a huge role those first two years and we didn't want to hurt them. My in-laws instead would show up at our door and accuse me of abuse. Saying I tried to drown my SS, starved him, and didn't love him.
They would call CPS on me and even by 3 my SS would repeat horrible things to his father and me. He would act afraid of me when his father or grandparents were around when moments before he was happy. By the time he was 4 I was coming unraveled and decided to leave my husband. He was gone a lot and agreed it wasn't fair so my SS went back to live with his grandparents.
In June of 2019 he wanted to live with us- he was 11. I wanted that too. Thinking he was old enough to see through their lies once and for all. Two months later my children and him started school and it was a new school for them all. My daughter started experiencing issues we had never seen. She accused my husband and I of abusing her and was questioning her sexuality. She was 10 and we didn't know what to do. She was full of anxiety when months before she was happy and care free.
From the start both of my children didn't want him there and would tell me. I told them they were being selfish and he deserved a family. I didn't get onto SS much those first 7 months wanting to make his transition easier. I could see by then his manipulation and lying habits. I would try to talk to him but he refused. He would throw baseballs at my son when his back was turned, threw my birthday cake on the floor because I hadn't made pink lemonade "his favorite", and would throw horrible fits.
It was almost exactly a year when I was back in that familiar place from so many years ago. For the 2nd time I was going to leave my husband of 11 years. He told me no and we worked out a plan. It was obvious my stepson didn't want to be with us, he would tell us, and made sure everyone knew how much he hated us and living with us. So he went back and I told him that was it- We weren't doing back and forth but would work out a plan to see him. We set him up therapy appointments and plans to visit bi-weekly and he could come anytime.
The day SS left my children and I were out for a picnic because SS was acting horribly so we left the house. That day my children finally opened up and told me everything that had been going on. SS had shown them porn, homosexual porn, rape porn, and was masturbating in front of them. He would get onto Omegle and face chat with grown men and women showing his body and these grownups exposing themselves to him. He had a Snapchat that he would give them and would receive photos of these people and send them photos as well. He told my children they were "gay", "looked gay", and should try it out. He told them I abused him and didn't love him. He didn't want to live with us but knew he could manipulate us into giving him everything he deserved because of how bad we were to him as a baby.
Then it made sense- my daughters behavior and her anxiety- it was him! He was causing harm and creating an unstable household. We are strict and protect them and I let that into my home. My in-laws told us he was so good when we asked for advice or insight when he came to live with us. They lied and didn't even care when we told them about what he had done. They made excuses for him and blamed us even more.
I asked how he was able to look up porn and use Social Media because we have the Circle App on their iPads and monitor their online activity and apps. We even check iPads regularly, they can't delete history, and so on. Apparently my in-laws gave him a "private" iPhone incase he needed them or I wouldn't allow him to call. He had been using it at night or when we weren't looking. My son said he would masturbate while watching porn in his bed at night. My son said he could hear the noises and began crying saying "I think about it every night. I can't stop."
I couldn't believe I didn't know this. With everything happening at their new school I had pulled them out and began homeschooling.
it only stopped because my son threatened to tell on him. Even had to threaten to hit him when he was showing my daughter rape porn and she began to cry. I asked what he did and they said he just laughed and walked out of the room.
Laughing when they were upset was common. They would come to me upset when he threw a baseball at their back, hit them, and get aggressive. I would ask him what had happened, wanting his POV and he would always smile, give a small laugh and say, "Nothing, we were having fun."
Now he hates his father and me both. Won't talk to us and makes his own decisions. My in-laws say he can choose and if he doesn't want to be around us he doesn't have to be. She won't take him to therapy because "he cries." He needs therapy. Normal children don't act this way and his interest in porn makes me think he could have been abused- it might be curiosity but it's extreme.
I have friends with children at his school in the same grade. He brings vapes to school and says he's had sex- he's 12 now. My in-laws drop him off at the movies, bowling alley, skating rink, and arcades where older boys drive him home. He hangs out with these 15-16 year old boys and even goes riding 4-wheelers and posts videos of wreckless behavior. He has a curfew of 11pm. We found his social media sites where he poses half naked and older men and women comment crude things and he responds crudely. He has a Snapchat we were able to access where he rates girls his age and uses vulgar language about them. We sent these to my in-laws and they showed him the messages. He told them and us he is bullied and they lie on him. My in-laws just take up for him and make excuses- even with the proof! Now when we are around he rubs the horrible and vile things done at these places in our face. When we try to see him he says "why are you trying to take me?" But then says, "you don't even care about me." Then will ask us to buy him a pair of $200 shoes and new clothing. Most recently he asked for a gaming monitor and PC, stated we "owed" him that.
They are now accusing me of horrible things when he lived with us and my SS confirms it. He broke his arm at school when he was with us and we had to pick him up. They now say my son did it and was the one showing the porn.
In-laws tell my SS horrible lies about his father- saying he abandoned him for the first two years of his life and didn't believe that he was his child. The list goes on and on and on.
We have spoken to a lawyer and therapist. We have 2 options- take him or let them adopt him.
I will never allow that child back into my home, but my husband wants to save him. SS is manipulative, lies, has no empathy or remorse, disrespectful, and can cry on cue. He hates my son and turns my daughter against him. He constantly tries to split my husband and me on anything he's done and punishment.
I know he needs help, I love my husband and he's been an amazing father, but I can not bring that child back with us. It would take every bit of energy I have.
We are suppose to be co-parenting but we are given no information except lies- mainly that he's so good and "he might give attitude, get in trouble, but is perfect for weeks."
My therapist has diagnosed me with PTSD from narcissistic-boarder line personality abuse. It all goes back to when they were babies. My husband can now see it and has even been able to work through his own issues and repressed memories as a child.
However, he still wants his child and I can not do it again and I won't put my children through it. I know it's not about me but I had my children at 19 & 20. I worked hard to finish my degree and build a good life. I don't want my in-laws and SS to tear it apart. Every time we let them in they bring nothing but pain. Even my daughter hates visiting and we don't make her go. They see this as the same thing when it comes to SS. They will even say "you won't let us see our granddaughter but demand your son. It's all about you and what you want. You're selfish and a hypocrite."
I'm lost and confused.
Looking for advice. How should I approach this? Or should I just run away as fast as I can?