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Narcissistic/Boarder Line Personality Disorder/Conflict by Proxy

MommaMal's picture

I've known my husband since the 1st grade and we were best friends during high school. We began dating our Junior year, but broke up after graduation. We got back together our first month of college, but two weeks prior we had a horrible fight and both had one-night stands. As crazy as it might sound- that night ended in pregnancy for both of us. We decided to make it work and my husband has been the father of my son since the day the test read positive. 

My stepson's mother went MIA went she was 5 months pregnant and we heard rumors she had terminated the pregnancy. 

The night my son was born my MIL sent my husband a photo of this woman pregnant stating "going into labor." I found out later my MIL knew all along and waited until that night to make the announcement. 

My sons bio-father gave up rights for a modeling career. 

My in-laws have used my stepson against me from day one. His mother left him at the hospital and signed over her rights. She has used this to pity him and make him a victim. Always comparing my son and SS to make it seem like my son is delayed or not as smart. Always putting him above everyone and everything. 

I had my daughter 14 months later at 20 years old. My husband joined the AF- mainly to get out of that town and away from his parents, but also to provide. He went to training and then deployed a month later. He was gone 17 months. I was not married to my husband when he first joined so he had to give temporary custody to his parents. During his absence I lived at home so I could finish college and have help. 

During this time I was only allowed to visit their home to see my stepson. I would be insulted, my son put down, and accused of mistreating and not loving my SS. So I stayed away. They would demand my daughter for the night at 5pm. I set firm boundaries even then and they would get angry, accuse me of keeping her from them, and created a smear campaign. I didn't allow my children to stay anywhere but with me. I couldn't make frequent visits because of the abuse. 

I attempted to discuss my feelings and they would act like I was lying, crazy, or "love drama." 

When my husband return we moved 420 miles away and made plans to visit monthly the first year. Our children's grandparents played a huge role those first two years and we didn't want to hurt them. My in-laws instead would show up at our door and accuse me of abuse. Saying I tried to drown my SS, starved him, and didn't love him. 

They would call CPS on me and even by 3 my SS would repeat horrible things to his father and me. He would act afraid of me when his father or grandparents were around when moments before he was happy. By the time he was 4 I was coming unraveled and decided to leave my husband. He was gone a lot and agreed it wasn't fair so my SS went back to live with his grandparents. 

In June of 2019 he wanted to live with us- he was 11. I wanted that too. Thinking he was old enough to see through their lies once and for all. Two months later my children and him started school and it was a new school for them all. My daughter started experiencing issues we had never seen. She accused my husband and I of abusing her and was questioning her sexuality. She was 10 and we didn't know what to do. She was full of anxiety when months before she was happy and care free. 

From the start both of my children didn't want him there and would tell me. I told them they were being selfish and he deserved a family. I didn't get onto SS much those first 7 months wanting to make his transition easier. I could see by then his manipulation and lying habits. I would try to talk to him but he refused. He would throw baseballs at my son when his back was turned, threw my birthday cake on the floor because I hadn't made pink lemonade "his favorite", and would throw horrible fits. 

It was almost exactly a year when I was back in that familiar place from so many years ago. For the 2nd time I was going to leave my husband of 11 years. He told me no and we worked out a plan. It was obvious my stepson didn't want to be with us, he would tell us, and made sure everyone knew how much he hated us and living with us. So he went back and I told him that was it- We weren't doing back and forth but would work out a plan to see him. We set him up therapy appointments and plans to visit bi-weekly and he could come anytime. 

The day SS left my children and I were out for a picnic because SS was acting horribly so we left the house. That day my children finally opened up and told me everything that had been going on. SS had shown them porn, homosexual porn, rape porn, and was masturbating in front of them. He would get onto Omegle and face chat with grown men and women showing his body and these grownups exposing themselves to him. He had a Snapchat that he would give them and would receive photos of these people and send them photos as well. He told my children they were "gay", "looked gay", and should try it out. He told them I abused him and didn't love him. He didn't want to live with us but knew he could manipulate us into giving him everything he deserved because of how bad we were to him as a baby. 

Then it made sense- my daughters behavior and her anxiety- it was him! He was causing harm and creating an unstable household. We are strict and protect them and I let that into my home. My in-laws told us he was so good when we asked for advice or insight when he came to live with us. They lied and didn't even care when we told them about what he had done. They made excuses for him and blamed us even more. 

I asked how he was able to look up porn and use Social Media because we have the Circle App on their iPads and monitor their online activity and apps. We even check iPads regularly, they can't delete history, and so on. Apparently my in-laws gave him a "private" iPhone incase he needed them or I wouldn't allow him to call. He had been using it at night or when we weren't looking. My son said he would masturbate while watching porn in his bed at night. My son said he could hear the noises and began crying saying "I think about it every night. I can't stop." 

I couldn't believe I didn't know this. With everything happening at their new school I had pulled them out and began homeschooling. 

it only stopped because my son threatened to tell on him. Even had to threaten to hit him when he was showing my daughter rape porn and she began to cry. I asked what he did and they said he just laughed and walked out of the room. 

Laughing when they were upset was common. They would come to me upset when he threw a baseball at their back, hit them, and get aggressive. I would ask him what had happened, wanting his POV and he would always smile, give a small laugh and say, "Nothing, we were having fun."  

Now he hates his father and me both. Won't talk to us and makes his own decisions. My in-laws say he can choose and if he doesn't want to be around us he doesn't have to be. She won't take him to therapy because "he cries." He needs therapy. Normal children don't act this way and his interest in porn makes me think he could have been abused- it might be curiosity but it's extreme. 

I have friends with children at his school in the same grade. He brings vapes to school and says he's had sex- he's 12 now. My in-laws drop him off at the movies, bowling alley, skating rink, and arcades where older boys drive him home. He hangs out with these 15-16 year old boys and even goes riding 4-wheelers and posts videos of wreckless behavior. He has a curfew of 11pm. We found his social media sites where he poses half naked and older men and women comment crude things and he responds crudely. He has a Snapchat we were able to access where he rates girls his age and uses vulgar language about them. We sent these to my in-laws and they showed him the messages. He told them and us he is bullied and they lie on him. My in-laws just take up for him and make excuses- even with the proof! Now when we are around he rubs the horrible and vile things done at these places in our face. When we try to see him he says "why are you trying to take me?" But then says, "you don't even care about me." Then will ask us to buy him a pair of $200 shoes and new clothing. Most recently he asked for a gaming monitor and PC, stated we "owed" him that. 

They are now accusing me of horrible things when he lived with us and my SS confirms it. He broke his arm at school when he was with us and we had to pick him up. They now say my son did it and was the one showing the porn. 

In-laws tell my SS horrible lies about his father- saying he abandoned him for the first two years of his life and didn't believe that he was his child. The list goes on and on and on. 

We have spoken to a lawyer and therapist. We have 2 options- take him or let them adopt him. 

I will never allow that child back into my home, but my husband wants to save him. SS is manipulative, lies, has no empathy or remorse, disrespectful, and can cry on cue. He hates my son and turns my daughter against him. He constantly tries to split my husband and me on anything he's done and punishment. 

I know he needs help, I love my husband and he's been an amazing father, but I can not bring that child back with us. It would take every bit of energy I have. 

We are suppose to be co-parenting but we are given no information except lies- mainly that he's so good and "he might give attitude, get in trouble, but is perfect for weeks."

My therapist has diagnosed me with PTSD from narcissistic-boarder line personality abuse. It all goes back to when they were babies. My husband can now see it and has even been able to work through his own issues and repressed memories as a child. 

However, he still wants his child and I can not do it again and I won't put my children through it. I know it's not about me but I had my children at 19 & 20. I worked hard to finish my degree and build a good life. I don't want my in-laws and SS to tear it apart. Every time we let them in they bring nothing but pain. Even my daughter hates visiting and we don't make her go. They see this as the same thing when it comes to SS. They will even say "you won't let us see our granddaughter but demand your son. It's all about you and what you want. You're selfish and a hypocrite." 

I'm lost and confused. 

Looking for advice. How should I approach this? Or should I just run away as fast as I can? 

Rags's picture

I would press charges against SS for his sexual crap with your daughter.  Get your kids to a therapist who is a manditory reporter so you have plausable deniability when the therapist calls the police on your POS failed family hell spawn SKid.  Grandma can STFU when the police come haul that POS off as a sexual preditor. When Grandma attacks you for having SS arrested, you can truthfully say that it was the therapist who reported SS but that you will make damned sure charges are pressed against that pervy little POS.

I applaud your son for threatening to beat SS's ass for his intimidation and sexual crap with your daughter. Too bad he didn't beat that POS to within an inch of his disgusting life.

As for your ILs, they are write offs as well.  I would have a serious come ot Jesus clarity session with your DH informing him that SS will not return to your home. Ever. Not even for a visit.  His toxic manipulative behavioral crap makes him a write off just as your ILs manipulative characterless crap makes them write offs. Obviously that is sad for your DH, but, he owes his wife, marriage and daughter his protections from the manipulative crap perpetrated by his shallow and polluted gene pool.


Take care of you and take care of your kids. Hopefully your husband will participate in that with you.

Good luck.

MommaMal's picture

It took me two days to write this. I was terrified and had those thoughts of how people might view ME. 

We did report the incidents to a therapist and have both my daughter and son in therapy- both were diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They have almost completely gotten over the trauma, but they remain in therapy once a week. 

I haven't allowed my children to ever be alone with them. They have never spent the night with them and at one time I felt guilty for this. I appreciate reading this because it takes any guilt remaining away. 

We now have a lawyer, but I'm leaving that decision up to my husband. I told him a month ago that if he wants him- they will get an apartment and stay away. He just doesn't understand why I want to keep him away or why he can't at least spend a weekend with us. 

Think I'll let him read these replies! 


GrudgingSM's picture

This was so incredibly heartbreaking to read.

totally agree with Rags to get the kids in counseling! It both needs to be reported and also that sounds traumatic for the kids. They will need some help processing these things. This kind of stuff (the emotional ripple effect) can last into adulthood and the sooner they have help, the better. It sounds like you are a good and caring mom.


and speaking of bearing a good and caring parent, you have to have the firmest of all boundaries with your DH and follow through with leaving if he brings SS back to the house. I understand SS is his child. I also understand that if he was raised by a narcissist or borderline person, he has been emotionally conditioned to believe he can save. But he needs to love the other two kids, too. And loving them and protecting them and doing what is right for them is to not have SS back in that house. That kid is dangerous. Maybe he has a genetic predisposition to some of these behaviors, but oh my God those in-laws of yours are horrible. You should also cut off contact with them. If your DH wants to try and salvage a relationship with his parents and other son. That is 100% on him. Do not expose your children to that toxic crap. Your in-laws accuse you of things to manipulate you into keeping the relationship door open. The more access they have them or hooks they can get into you. Don't fall for it. Love your children. Take care of them. And take care of yourself. All of that means in laws are blocked on social media, you don't take their calls, etc. 

MommaMal's picture

YES! He thinks he can fix everything. When he wrote a therapist with little details they asked him to come in that day! Before he spoke they knew everything he was feeling and experiencing. The therapist told him he knew because "that use to be me. I was raised by narcissistic/boarder line personality parents." He gets it but has this need to get his son out of there. He has no one else to care for him or take him until we find a solution. He's contemplated military or boarding school.

I just have my boundaries and they've never been respected. I had walked away from my in-laws when my SS was 4. I only entered back into the relationship when SS moved in with us. I thought it would be good for him to see adults working together. They would smile to my face and praise me. Then pull him in back rooms and ask questions about me. Told him horrible lies about things I did when he was a baby. 

For me, there is no salvaging this relationship with SS and my in-laws are null and void. Just need DH to make a decision. Waiting for him to make a decision makes me nervous. He does this every time with them and waits too long. JUST HANDLE IT!

Rags's picture

I am a firm believer in and a product of military boarding school.  My dad is, I am, my younger brother is, and my SS is.

None of us had the issues your SS perpetrates but our outcome from military school has been extremely good.

Sadly the school my dad, my brother, and I attended closed.  So when it was time for my SS to attend we had to select a new school to continue our family tradition.  The transformation of SS during his time at military school was notable.  He went from a lazy non performer to a academic honor student, highly recognized military cadet leader, an athletic honor society performer, and a recognized member of the military band.  We did have issues once his SpermIdiot got involved but overall the experience set SS up for his successful USAF career. The beauty of military school in the case of your ILs is that they are not parents and can be excluded from contact with SS and excluded from campus.  Which IMHO would be a strong positive for the outcome your SS would realize from military school.  Of course MIL will blow a gasket, but... so what?  Hopefully she will just stroke out and stop being a problem for her son, you, your kids, and even for SS.

Kids like your SS tend to have a very hard adjustment to Military School as their cadet peers and cadet leaders have zero tolerance for the kind of behavioral crap that kids like your SS bring. There is no slow introduction to military school and part of the rapid transformation process is immediately being held accountable for personal performance and choices.  It is all in immediately and compliance is immediately demanded and there is no choice but to comply... or suffer.   They will chew him up and spit him out.  He will adjust, or he will suffer... intensely.  The beauty of military school is that cadets live with accountability for their choices 24/7. There is no reprieve from consequences for choices of nonconformity or failure to perform to standards.  Reprieve and reward come from performance and excelling above minimum expectation.

From the perspective of protecting your home, family, and children from this pervy POS failed family progeny... he is out and gone until he reaches launch age and then his future becomes his responsibility. If he chooses to be a child molesting POS, he can go to prison and live his life on the sexual predictors' list.  All of which he can do somewhere else other than in your life and the live's of your children.

The good news is that there are any number of examples of troubled kids who have attended military school and gone on to successful adult lives.  Your SS would have every chance and opportunity to have a successful outcome.  If.... he performs.

Good luck.

PM me and I will be happy to share with you our search results for high quality military schools that have strong history and traditions.  There are a number of options that are range from  extremely good schools that are reasonably priced up to Cadillac schools that are insanely expensive.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Do not ever allow SS around your kids again. He sounds like a sociopath and your in-laws sound like narcissists. Whatever the "label", they are all horrible people.

Your kids are lucky to have gotten away from him when they did. If your husband absolutely must have him in his home, you don't have a choice but to leave. I agree about calling the cops. You will need evidence to keep your kids away from SS if you do split. The worst outcome would be that you leave, your husband gets 50/50, and your kids are around SS without you there to protect them. 

MommaMal's picture

I have documented everything, see a therapist, have my kids in therapy, and even spoken to a lawyer. I will make sure if worse comes to worse they will never be allowed around my children again. 


CastleJJ's picture

As a mental health professional, I agree. It is likely that his grandparents are abusing him or someone in their life is, so leaving him in that environment is not an option, but it is also not an option for him to live with you either. If he continues to live with the grandparents, the abuse will only continue. He needs residential treatment. 

And I agree with the other posters, get your kiddos into therapy and do what you can to keep them safe. 

MommaMal's picture

Therapy was our first stop! We all started going. It was the best decision. My children still talk to me about it but they actually just feel sorry for him. They also do not want to be around him so they haven't seen him since he left last year. 

We have a lawyer now and hopefully my husband can make the decision to get him out of there, but also know he can't live with us. We've looked into boarding schools but I'm with you- he needs mental help or he's doomed. 

CastleJJ's picture

He doesn't need boarding schools. They are for the purpose of education and they will not have the appropriate resources to handle him or help him. He needs a residential treatment facility. 

Residential treatment is when a child lives outside of the home situation 24/7 and lives in a controlled facility environment. Typically a child who needs this level of support has extreme behavior issues such as rage, aggression, acting out sexually, violence, crime, or very serious mental health issues.

If you Google "residential treatment for kids in your state" you will find plenty. Some are fully or partially covered by insurance too. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I love Rags, but this kid has issues that should not be foisted on other innocent kids. He needs specialized care.

Rags's picture

An RTF is definitely potentially a viable option.  Particularly one for adjudicated minors that has firm court and LEO involvement.

We have dear friends who adopted two at risk pre-teen boys.  Sadly, both have ended up in RTF environments.  One pretty much permanently over his serial mollestation of younger kids at school.  He refused to engage in the programs to the point that they surrendered their custody of him to the courts and are no longer his parents.  The younger one started acting out by lighting fires.  So.. off to an RTF he went. He was there for several months and did a great job working the program and engaging in therapy.

Some kids need far more than what a military school can provide, including far more strict guidelines and oversight with the application of legal consequences when they go off of the deep end.

My Military School had spots reserved for "State Kids" and we did get a few new ones each year.  Interestingly, most of them were there only a single year and ended up in jail or juvi over the summer after their New Cadet year. Once the school year ended they went from a structured accountability focused environment back to their pre military school environment and lost the plot.

An RTF should provide 24/7 365 accountability and oversight.  Some kids need that level of accountability and support.

weightedworld's picture

That was extremely hard to read. I thought I had issues. 

Dead bolt your doors and windows and build bricks around you and your families lives. Holy hell! 

Definately get your kids into counseling so that it is documented so nothing gets twisted and lands on you and your DH. For real! 

And then wipe your hands so damn clean of this situation. Ugh, gives me the chills. My heart goes out to you and your family.  

Evil4's picture

Do not allow your ss back into your home and do not let your bios go to your in-laws. I don't know where you are but I'm in Canada and you can end up with your bios removed from your care due to failure to protect.

I grew up with a malignant narcissist father and a borderline or narc mother. Some of the same crap about withholding their grandchildren is the exact shit I heard over and over. I'm 55 and still in and out of therapy because the narc/borderline abuse causes soooooo much damage so I can empathize with what you're going through. The first step for you is boundaries. Lay the law down to your DH that ss cannot ever be in your home again and your H must take his visits elsewhere. Secondly, do not send your bios to your in-laws. I cut my parents off when my DD20 was an infant and I do not regret it. I'm glad I protected her from the horrific programming that I'm still trying to heal. After you've separated your kids from your ss and in-laws require your H to stick to your boundaries or else. Then go for therapy and get your kids into therapy. 

I'm so sorry that you have malignant narcissists in your life. It's nothing less than soul-destroying.

MommaMal's picture

I've never allowed my kids at their home without us present. I've also never allowed them to stay the night over there. My kids don't even like going to their home. 

Ive always been a little too over protective and get a lot of shit from family about it. It was devastating to know what was going on in my home for almost a year and no knowledge of it. 

I'll get a divorce before I allow him to step one foot in my house. I have completely cut off my in-laws and haven't spoken to them since last August. 

It's all up to DH at this point. He's seeing a therapist and has a lawyer. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I think you need to call law enforcement and press charges against SS. As a juvenile he will be forced into treatment. He can also be court ordered into an RTF for intensive treatment by a family court judge. 

Thier are children's centers that have programs for kids who exhibit sexually abusive behavior. What you described SS did definitely consitites that.

I agree your IL are narcissistic and SS is following suit. At his age I  reluctant to believe there is anything you can do to change that.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I think you need to call law enforcement and press charges against SS. As a juvenile he will be forced into treatment. He can also be court ordered into an RTF for intensive treatment by a family court judge. 

Thier are children's centers that have programs for kids who exhibit sexually abusive behavior. What you described SS did definitely consitites that.

I agree your IL are narcissistic and SS is following suit. At his age I  reluctant to believe there is anything you can do to change that.