Glorified Girlfriend with Wife title
I've had it. I have a almost 17 year old SS in my house full time and nothing I say matters. First off, he is actually a dream step-son. Never has one unkind word come out of his mouth. Never, not towards anyone. My issue is mainly his dad my DH. My SS until last year was completed coddled, even shoes were tied for him, breakfast made for school, no alarm clock because Dad woke him, laid out his clothes, everything. I put my foot down when he turned 16. SS has some social issues, no friends come over, he doesn't go anywhere except to his grandparents and home. He has social media accounts where i see him talking away with class mates and being funny. He is a straight A student and will do any chore you ask him to do any time. The issue with DH and myself is I don't want him driving alone to the college where he takes college courses, the high school bus takes all the 11th and 12th graders in dual enrollment there and back where they take 3 high school classes.( he's in 11th grade). I want him with his peers. It's wasted gas and he doesn't need to be alone. He goes to his grandparents after college classes and before high school classes also, instead of going to cafeteria with his peers for studying and games etc. He does not need to spend this time with them, he should be with his peers at this time too. He sees his grandparents every day after school until we get home then he drives home. He barely talks at home, stays on his iPad or computer or ps4. I asked my husband how many hours a day does his think SS is on electronics, his answer is 2 hours. I about fell over, he is on it non-stop from 3pm until at least 10pm. stops for dinner that is it. Please help, I went to my room last night after finding out he is still going to his grandparents between classes after my husband told me he wasn't going to allow him to do that after last weeks argument over this. His mother is not in his life except for when she on a whim calls to meet him for dinner up the street.
I know I do, it's gonna hurt
I know I do, it's gonna hurt my marriage if I don't. We parent completely different. I really am losing respect for him as he is lets this amazing son turn to mush with no guidance or boundaries, all because he's a great kid loving and respectful kid.
You've presented your stance
You've presented your stance on the situation. That's all you can do. The rest is up to DH.
So hard to do It's so tense
So hard to do
It's so tense in our house.
I know its hard to do. You've
I know its hard to do. You've got to find a coping mechanism. Only you know what will work best for you. For me and my situation, complete disengagement was my only option because I was fought against from every angle - DH, BM & child. Although its still tense, becoming completely hands off has relieved some stress off me. I'm sorry. In these cases, there is never an easy solution.
I have to admit, yes I do
I have to admit, yes I do like to take control of almost everything in my house. I guess some of that goes with raising 2 kids alone prior to this marriage. And the gas really isn't an issue, we offer to put gas in his truck and he declines pretty often. He gets $40 to spend the night with his grandmother a couple nights a week. So its not really a money thing as much as it is just wasting it when a bus is available. The computer and iPad time is 97% games and social media, he is really a smart kid and throws about an hour on Sunday nights into academics, the rest is done at the end of his classes while he waits for bells. I just really see an injustice being done to this kid. The entire family does not go outside of the family at all. All spare time is with each other, no friends, no extended family. He is a brilliant kid who is funny at times and has the kindest heart known to man, he has no goals, no part time job, nothing. I just want to set him up to possibly make friends or communicate with teachers or other adults at the school, but if nobody is behind me in making him stay at school when will he blossom or whatever you say for guys?
oh my GAWD that is my husband
oh my GAWD that is my husband with my step son almost! How do they not see it. My step son is also on a depressant and he is not even close to being depressed! I said why is he on this and why such a high dose? His answer was the dr put him on it, again WHY?? He said because he uses hand sanitizer. I said when??? before holding a baby, when his hands get sticky and he doesn't feel like walking to bathroom to wash them? If mom was in his life, maybe this wouldn't be so hard for me because I would know my place, hopefully, but he doesn't have any female role model really. If I give up, and stop worrying over this he loses. He will have nobody to guide him. His dad does not talk much at all, he's a great man but providing is his priority.
This is only my 2nd time on
This is only my 2nd time on here, I thought it was a place to get opinions and advice. I understand my issue isn't a "real" problem in the big picture, I'm just worried about my step son and his lack of communication with anyone, spending no time with peers, and his time completely being spent on iPads games etc. Sorry it didn't fit on this forum. I don't what else to say.
While I appreciate a lot of
While I appreciate a lot of this feedback, you must also be made aware that I raised 2 highly successful young ladies that are formally educated and very happy in their professional workplace and have a full exciting life and still wouldn't miss Sunday dinner with their mom and each other. So I understand this importance of getting them ready to fly the coop, and always when and where to trust them. The alienation that this boy has set up and dad and family have never discouraged coupled with every awake hour on an iPad or PS4 is unhealthy. I'm sorry many are not seeing this nor have any advice to give me.
I have had similar worries
I have had similar worries about both SD15 and SS13. The difference is, my DH listened to me and worked with me on much of it. SD15 is her own damn story, but we have had a lot of success with SS13.
Don't know what your relationship is like with your DH, but I would emphasize to him that it is your love and concern for SS that makes you bring it up. I understand the driving issue as you see it, you want him to spend time with peers, not more alone time nor more time with grandparents or other adults. It's a very valid point.
Remind your DH he won't always be there to take care of the boy and ask him to picture the long term.
If your DH can never ever understand what you're saying, you may indeed have to let it go. But it is certainly worth a try. We are very gratified by the growth we see in SS13. It came from DH and I working together. Not always easily. But it was worth the effort we both put into the struggle and we are on the same page now.
I feel your pain. I love my
I feel your pain. I love my ss ..but he is socially awkward ,is obsessed with video games ,no friends,is so coddled it is ridiculous. He on the other hand is a liar and manipulatier,whiny,spoiled brat that does anything he wants with no consequences to his actions.i blame his grandmother. Tying his shoes ,fixing him certian foods because he whines. I have tried to stop this behavior with no help from dh. So last year i stopped trying. Its not my problem. I raised my children sternly and they are grown up amazing kids. Video games were timed growing up in my house,you ate what was cooked and i thought my kids to take care of themselves. I am sure my ss will live with us forever,i am suprised he can tie his own shoes. I blame dh and gm...do like i did,step back and take pride in your kids. This child is not my responsibility. I will never understand why a parent makes their children idiot that can not survive without them .poor kids i cant trust my ss do do anything because he is such a liar,and convinces dh and gm that everyone in the world is wrong but him. Im sorry you are dealing with it ...i understand i love him and want better for him but my hands are tied. So all these people saying you are making problems that arent there obviously havent dealt with it. It might not seem like a real problem to them but it is ...i feel just like you.
Thanks onlyus4. I stepped
Thanks onlyus4. I stepped off of this site for a while after being chastised for whining by the lady above. Oh well, she seems very unhappy. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.
I can see your concern, but
I can see your concern, but here's something to think about....
SS doesn't HAVE to be like you, or like your DD's. And that doesn't mean he can't or won't be successful. May social situations be awkward for him? Sure. But maybe he's just an introvert.
He sounds like a nice kid who is smart and loves his family. So what if he's not Homecoming King. There are more important things in life.
Maybe his peers bore him. Maybe he gets enough friend-time at school, and requires more alone time for recharging than you do.
Maybe nothing is wrong with him at all, except he isn't like you.
The solution is pretty
The solution is pretty simple. Turn off the wireless router. End of online problem.
We did this with SS when his digital life started adversly impacting his real life. We would turn the router off when we left the house adn would only have it on for a few hours when we got home. It was in our closet behind the locked panel for our Smart House system. He could not get to it.
Disconnect him except during clearly defined times.