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Anyone else find this invasive?

markwvualum's picture

My wifes ex whom she shares 2 kids with (my step kids) calls our house on the nights he knows Im off work and at home to say goodnight to his kids. Normally I would think this was a good parent concerned about his kids and expressing love. However the guy sees his kids once a week for a couple of hours, thats it and he lives 5 minutes from us! I know he works a lot but come on. If you're a good dad why dont you take your kids for the weekend like you're supposed too? He is off work there. My wife is always making excuse for the guy, saying his apartment isn't big enough, he's working, blah blah blah. He has no interest in doing so. In fact he has no interest in seeing his kids unless he can come by our house and pick them up when my wife's alone and Im at work. My wife is too easy o the guy. Quite frankly I think he has it way too easy. He seems fine with her and me raising his kids for him. But for some reason he finds is necessary to call the house to say goodnight to his kids on the nights Im off work when he knows Im home with them and her. When he calls one of us will hand the kids the phone. I don't say anything. Sometimes the kids don't even want to talk to him which says a lot about the relationship he has with them. Ive encouraged them to call their dad whenever they want so maybe he's stopped calling at odd times but the kids don't seem interested. They both are capable of using the phone. But neither of them want to so he keeps calling on on the nights he knows Im there and not working. Im here to vent. Nothing else. I just think if he's a good father he have more interest in his kids otherwise. I find the calling the house on my days off invasive amongst other things he does. If they were my bio kids Id be spending more time with them too. He never goes to school events, doctors appointments, he doesnt pay for their health insurance, buy them clothes., nothing. He sees them two hours a week if he can come by and pick them up while Im at work so he can chit chat with my wife. So weird. Anyone else find this odd?

Acratopotes's picture

Yes I find it very odd that things like this would make you feel insecure...

He's their father and he can call them to say good night, there's nothing wrong with it. The fact that he comes around when you are not there simply shows he's insecure and afraid to run into you, nothing more then this, he's not trying to get his wife back, he's simply avoiding you

sunshinex's picture

What Acra said is spot on.

Chill out or you're going to annoy everyone in this situation. You're dating a parent. That comes with dealing with the ex. He will be involved and you have to trust your wife isn't interested in anything more than parenting with him.

When my husband and I started dating, I remember him telling me about how he was arguing with BM about who gets to take SD who was then like 18 months old out for trick or treating. I told him to suck it up and go with her because the kid doesn't need the tension!

They went together and I didn't worry at all. Now that we're married, they don't do things like that together because we have two seperate families. But I remember BM having a boyfriend who was super jealous and it sucked for everyone.

He wouldn't let BM come to our house for pickup/dropoff or anything that involved BM coming near my husband (then boyfriend) because he was jealous. It made things really hard on the kid because she didn't get to see her mom as much as she would've if her parents were "allowed" to see each other.

Harry's picture

He wants to talk to his EX. And your SO stills has feeling for him because she is giving him a out

marblefawn's picture

I don't know how old the kids are, but yes, I find it weird that so many bio parents must call their kids every night to say "goodnight." The kids need to understand that divorce means "separate." They must learn that their dad loves them, even if he doesn't talk to them daily. All kids need to learn this - it's called "growing up."

At the same time, it sounds as if you're jealous of the meager attempt he makes at parenting.

Look at it like this: he's not a good parent, he's not winning them over, you're with your wife now, so have confidence in that and don't get hung up on this little stuff if things are otherwise good. There's no indication that your wife is carrying a torch for this guy. And the fact that he's calling when you're there is a good sign - what if he only called when you aren't there?

What he's doing isn't much, so let the kids have that. It will probably fall by the wayside judging by the way the kids are reacting. If that's all he's doing for them, let it go. It doesn't seem as if it's harming anyone and you're big enough to tell yourself it's annoying, but not really harmful.

markwvualum's picture

I agree with you but part of the issue is I dont feel comfortable approaching my wife about any topics regarding her ex and the kids. She gets very angry and blows up at me. Not even once has she admitted he's not a good day in private to me and she seems to think he's a good dad apparently. Now I mean she's never spoken to me about it. I dont expect her to say anything i front of the kids, of course not, but to me she could tell me how she feels about him and his parenting behind closed doors when its just the two of us.. But she sees nothing wrong with it. Thats a big part of it and she reacts with anger whenever I ask her about his parenting or lack thereof. The phone calls are just the icing on the cake.

Rags's picture

He is interfering in your home and in your SO's time with the kids in your home. This crap needs to stop. Sure... in an intact initial family saying goodnight to kids each night would be a normal thing. In a broken or blended family situation there is a fine line between an X being reasonable and an X being manipulative and toxic. This has the taste and smell of toxic to me.

You need to shut this crap down now. More importantly... your wife needs to shut this crap down.

IMHO of course.

georgina29's picture

You wife needs to get him to stop this kind of crap. Really it should be her handling this, not you. He is interfering with your homelife and time with your family. If he keeps calling dont answer. Yes he is their father but he made the choice to quit being a husband and part of her life when he divorced her. He needs to stick to the divorce decree in order to be a good dad and see his kids. He sounds like a manipulator.