Was my ex an emotional bully or was I controlling?
I don't consider myself a controlling guy. Sure we all have our issues but I understood my ex had children and needed to put them first. I understood she had an ex husband who was involved in their lives. I supported this. However I was accused of being controlling by her when I would ask her why she didn't mention to me her ex was over for lunch or dinner or over at her place playing video games hanging out with their son and she would jump down my throat and yell at me and say "He's their father!!!! That is WHY!!! I don't have to mention everything to you!!! You are controlling!!!!" I would always bring it up casually and try to be nice about it and I was calm not accusatory,. It would trigger immense anger from her. We were also in a committed relationship of several years and she would be semi- quasey about inviting me to many things. She would leave me out of so many things yet if we were together and she needed someone to help pay for her kids meals she was all about me paying for them (and would get mad when I didn't) and me babysitting or picking them up when she needed it. Her son was involved in baseball and there was a group of parent friends who hung out at the games and elsewhere regualrly in the neighborhood. I was left out of most of this stuff yet her ex husband was always there with her at the events. It was like I did not exist. Whenever I would bring up not being invited she would get very angry with me and tell me to leave or not speak to me and would say "I was always complaining about something" but please tell me how you expect someone to be so invovled with your kids for so many years yet you rarely ever include them in many of their activities in which you partake in them with your ex husband instead? You also expect this person to pick your kids up from school, pay for their things and babysit them when you are not home yet none of their friends parents know this person and if you bring it up you are yelled at and accused of being controlling and told to leave. Was my ex an emotional bully or was the problem me and I need to work on myself? The reason I am asking is I am going through a period of trying to improve myself so I do not make the same mistakes in my next relationship. She also would rarely ever talk about her ex or mention him even though I know for a fact they talked every single day about things not involving their kids. Towards the end of the relationship she was spending more and more time with her ex because of their kids hwoever she was also taking to another man online who lived long distance which Im sure her ex knew nothing about. What the heck did I do wrong and why didn't she give me the chance she gave them? I used ot think she loved me so I am not sure what happened. She was very angry with me frequently about not "stepping up" with her kids yet there was really no place for me in their lives besides paying for their things and babysitting them when her ex was not available. I might add when we first got together she talked so much crap about her ex saying he was a narcissist and they fought all the time how he was an a$$ and a manchild but now they get along so well and I am the one who was treated like garbage by her instead. I also don't think they are together now because she's talking to another man online and her ex looks like crap literally he looks homeless.I actually feel sorry for him that he doesn't know that she is shady. For the first two years we were together she never told anyone about me. Was the problem me? I don't know what I did wrong. Also I got to knwo her kids really well all the years we were together and she just basically cut them out of my life completely now. This is the same woman who said her kids were like my kids when we were together and I should treat them as such. This really hurt me and still does. It really bothers me tht she did this. What did I do wrong?
What did I do wrong?
What did I do wrong?
You married the wrong woman.
She's an emotional bully.
She's an emotional bully. People like that can make you either feel crazy or amp up existing mental health issues.
She went 2 years without introducing you to any of her freinds? That's cold.
My advice, (and keep in mind my relationships have been disastrous lol) is to block/ignore her and pretend she doesn't exist. Take good care of yourself. You're better off without her. She wasn't really contributing anything to the "relationship". Sorry you're going through this. Users suck.
Your only mistake was staying
Your only mistake was staying with her as long as you did. She's an emotional abuser, manipulator, bully and a user. Users suck. She comes off as very cold. Google narcissistic personality disorder and socipathy. She fits both of these spot on. She is onto her next victim now. Be glad it's not you anymore. You didn't do anything wrong.
She was a bully, a
She was a bully, a manipulator and a crappy person. I wouldn't spend any more emotional energy wondering where things went wrong. With people like her-- she'll never admit to any wrongdoing, you'll never get any closure and it's best to shut that door and never reopen it. The good news is you're free now to go find someone who is worthy of the time and attention and this will all fade into the background with time.
To put it bluntly:
To put it bluntly:
She didn't want you. She wanted her ex in whatever way she pictured him in her head. However, for whatever reason, they couldn't make a relationship work.
BUT, she still needed extra money. And someone to run around and help her with errands. And support her emotionally and physically. She needed someone to play Replacement Husband, and you're the unfortunate soul that she suckered into it. Just know that if it wasn't you, it would have been someone else.
If you want to work on yourself, work on being able to know what you want and having the courage to walk away when you don't get it.
Yeah, she was the emotional
Yeah, she was the emotional bully. You deserve to have your perspective heard and applied in a relationship. You should be able to say what you need in order to feel respected and safe in the relationship. When you expressed your needs and she shut them down, she IS saying you don't matter. She's the sole dicision maker about what goes on.
Asking about her ex coming to your house is not controlling. Telling her who she can talk to, what she can and can't do, that is controlling. Even you saying "hey, it makes me a little uncomfortable. Can you at least tell me ahead of time when he's coming over and how long he plans to be there?" That is not controlling. That is you working with her on your needs. How awful for you that she hid you. Your partner should be proud to be with you and involve you in all aspects of their life.
This type of person will never have a stable relationship because everyone at some point will need to be acknowledged as her partner and listened to.
You must have read enough on
You must have read enough on here by now to know that it wasn't you. I think it would have raised red flags for me when she took 2 years to tell people that you even existed.
Having her ex over for dinner? Unacceptable and disrespectful to your feelings and your relationship
Ex hanging at her house playing video games with the kids? Unacceptable. If he wanted to do that, it should have been on his time and in his home.
Not inviting you to baseball games but spending that time with her ex? Unacceptable. The time to do that was when they were still married.
Expecting you to finance things for her kids? Unacceptable to EXPECT any financial support for her offspring
Telling you this is all your fault? Like hell it is! You've had a lucky escape, mate.
Read that post/blog (can't remember which) that someone posted yesterday - it was a warning list of red flags to look out forwhen dating someone with children. Familiarise yourself with it so you don't make the same mistake again. Then go and find yourself someone genuinely nice who desereves you.
I am just very, very glad you
I am just very, very glad you are no longer with her. She is a bully and a user who dodn't know how good she had it.
I think, if I were you, I might make an appointment with a therapist to work on why you put up with this abuse for so long.
You are a good guy and I hope you find the woman who deserves you now that you're free!
Perfect Guy
Wow, you sound like the perfect guy. Compassionate, caring, willing to be understanding of other parent. She was doing too much, though. A healthy relationship needs boundaries. I just think she still had old feelings for the child's dad. I agree with other comments. You were with the wrong woman.
She is an emotional bully. Period.
You did nothing wrong other than booting her and her kids to the curb when she gave you the understanding that her kids come first.
Breeders who put their children above their equity life partner are not in it for the long term. They are users and are eternally on the prowl for the next better target. As long as the victim of the moment is paying the bills and acting as the beck and call resource the user will stroke the partner of the moment to keep them around. As soon as the partner of the moment demands that the breeder put the relationship first.... buh-bye.
Do not let this toxic harpy, her brood, her X and her internet target put you into a tail spin. Enjoy the start of your new life adventure. Leave her to wallow in her controlling narcisistic cesspool of a life.
Have fun!