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Why do I not feel love for my SD?

HibernatorEOW's picture

I adored my husband's daughter before I got pregnant. But during my pregnancy, and especially after my son was born, I feel like I don't want any connection to her. I feel horrible for feeling this way because she is only 6 1/2 and basically a very good kid. I don't know why I feel this way but it seems like it's getting worse. I was hoping it was just my hormones all out of whack, but now that our son is is almost 1, im wondering if I'm just screwed up and selfish. I am all about my child. I don't even want my husband to play with him using SD old toys. She's also coughing and sneezing all over the place without covering her mouth, and she gets spastic when she's around the baby, hands in his face, knocks him over, etc. And my husband rarely says anything. 
I NEVER thought I'd have any sort of issue like this with having a stepchild (I'm 40 and thought I was more mature than that)  I'm still hoping one day soon this will go away and I'll want to feel like one family unit.  One bit of information- we found out we were pregnant right after we married, and moved into our new house (we had not been living together prior).  The marriage itself has been rough and there were many times I couldn't stand my husband (and still can't) so maybe this co tributed to this whole SD issue?  I'm sick of feeling like a big piece of garbage.  Any advice?

 

Rags's picture

Rejecting someone elses progeny in your home is not unusual. It is a mammalian thing. Think lions who kill the offspring of their predessor when they take over a pride.  I can only immagine that these visceral feelings are amplified when you add your own offspring to the mix.

Fortuneately we have intellect to overcome these base mammalian reactions.  Kids do not get to choose their parents.  But as adults we can certainly choose our kids.  Particularly when those kids are not biologically ours.

Rather than hide you would be far better served to take the actions of love towards your Skid.  Actions build feelings.  If you abandon your place in the family when  your Skid is there, that is entirely on you and you have to entirely own the failure of your family and your marriage.

If you engage as your SO's equity life partner and as an equity parent to any children in your home and family the potential problems are halved as is the ownership of both the successes and the failures.

The issues will only go away if you take the actions to solve them and partner with your SO in pursuit of that goal.

Congratulations on the young one.

Good luck.

Kee-khe's picture

I actually went/am going through the same exact situation.

I had a good relationship with SD when her father and I dated. we were together for 4 years before marriage. I also found out i was pregnant shortly after marriage. While pregnant, I noticed I started to dislike SD, other children too, but mostly SD. I felt jealous that DH would alway treat SD better than my son, so a huge resentment grew towards both DH and SD. not to mention they made my life miserable. I thought the feelings would go away after birthing my son who is now 6 months, and no luck. now i want absolutely nothing to do with her, and sometimes him too. And I don't even feel bad about it.