You are here

Question...should I have my "own" kid?

Danielle's picture

:? Wondering what other stepparents out there have to say about my "unique" situation...here it is in a nutshell...have two step kids...SD9 and SS12...no kids of my own, husband has vasectomy...he can get reversal...I am 27...love that we have kids sometimes and then others I can "pretend" we are all by ourselves...however, sometimes I long to be able to raise kids the way I want 100% of the time, and I would love to look at a kid that my husband and I created, not one that reminds me of his ex sometimes...love those two kids as much as I may get frustrated at them...my husband isn't thrilled at idea of having a kid, he would be doing it to make me happy...but, I guess what I'm saying is...would it be a travesty to go my life without having my own kid...should I do it...I feel as though if I don't that when I am older, greyer that I will be sad that I could not do family my way, and that I didn't have my own family...my way...because even though we have the kids sometimes we still can't do it our way, and they are a lot like their mom, and I love when they call me mom, but I would love to have my own, that my kid would call me mom no matter what, no awkward...well she is my step mom...any thoughts??? I could go on and on...

katielee's picture

I think you should absolutely have your own kids! No matter how much you love your stepkids and how much they love you, they will never be committed to you like your own children. That becomes extremely important in your elderly years. I am a nurse and see this often. I know we like to romanticize things and think that we can be as strong as biological family if there's enough love and history and yada, yada, yada... But the reality is that doesn't happen often. If there's any way possible, have biological kids. Just my two cents worth:)

amber3902's picture

I think you should be 100% sure that you want to have kids with THIS man. If he is a lazy/guilty parent to his own kids that is the way he is going to parent any kids the two of you have together.

You mentioned that even when you have his kids you can't do things the way you and DH would want to. Why is that? Is it because dad is too scared to stand up to his kids and the BM? His house - his rules.

He is allowed to parent however he wants to in his house. If the two of you can't parent the kids you currently have, bringing another child into the mix is not going to make things better. You will have kids who are parented two different ways, causing all kinds of headaches. Just something to think about.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

No one can tell you what you should or should not do--but I will say this, often a lot of resentment can build if you don't have one of your own. You'll always wonder about the what if, and you may regret it, as many have. They say there is nothing like motherhood.

However, please realize being a good parent and being a good partner are two different things. If he can only be a good partner, I would not have any with him.

Danielle's picture

Thanks you guys, my husband is a fantastic parent and a fantastic partner. And I do have a good relationship with the kids, but with my SS he likes me better when his mom and him aren't getting a long, and I think she makes him feel guilty for loving me. So this creates the desire for me to have a kid that doesn't have to worry about how he or she acts in front of me...or any of that...but I know it has to be my decision, I just feel like it has to be such a sure decision because of the vas reversal....errr

christinen's picture

Danielle,

This all depends on how important being a mother is to you. Some people are perfectly content not having children. I personally can’t imagine anyone wanting to be a stepmother and not have their own children. I don’t have any of my own yet but plan to start trying this summer (I am also 27). If I were not able to have children with DH, that would be a deal breaker for me. If I couldn’t have my own kids, I would not want any skids around. Period. Why is it that your DH doesn’t want to have children with you? It’s not fair at all that he gets to be a parent and you don’t. I would not be ok with that at all.