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Maury Povich called with the results

ESMOD's picture

......... and we now know.. the test results are in...    "Ma-am.... you  ARE the problem".. lol.

 

Sometimes it's hard to figure out where the root of issues come into steplife.. is it the kids.. the EX?  Is it the disney daddee?  or is it the Step parent.  Sometimes it's really clear that we are our own worst enemies in this game.

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Exjuliemccoy's picture

And step parents are often the architects of their own suffering by not knowing what their role is/isn't and staying in their own lane.

missginger's picture

But that is what I have issues with. I even used that phrase in my one blog this weekend. I hate how DH expects me and SD16 to "stay in our lanes". To me it just makes the times she is here so unbearable. Like I cant be me when I am around her.

ESMOD's picture

I think it's ok for him to ask you to both stay in your own lane.. but that also means that HE needs to be doing what is necessary so that you don't end up swerving into each other.

It means.. he keeps her out of your things.. he takes care of her needs.  but he also doesn't allow her to 100% monopolize the household and him.

IT also means that he parents her so that you don't feel the need to try to correct her.

peaceful coexistence is possible if everyone does commit to that.

Cooooookies's picture

Well if, collectively, all of our DH's could do these very things...we wouldn't need this site.

The problem arises he doesn't keep skids out of your things, take care of their needs, monopolize the household and himself, let BM run the household and himself, parent his kids instead of pity the precious little poopsies, etc.

Example at this very moment:  DH has mentioned twice now that if I'd like to mow the lawn on my day off (today), I should feel free to do so.  Both times my response has been:  "No, I will not do it.  Get SS17 to do it this weekend.  Instead of letting him sleep until 12.30-1pm then sitting upstairs doing sweet fack all except swear at the t.v. and commanding all his online gaming friends on every little stinking move they should do on some PS4 game for hours and hours.  You and I do enough, SS can help too."  Silence.

That is why SM's come here.

missginger's picture

Well for me I woud say definitly not the ex. She stays out of my life 100% and even though my DH tries to bitch about her she is sooo normal and dare I sa nice compared to so many I have read about on her. 

My SD16 isn't too much of the problem either. Yes she has some traits I dont find attractive but again compared to others on here I do feel lucky. She is neat, respectful to DH and I, looks nice ( dear God some of the dirty nasty skids I have read about on here blows my mind)

My DH isnt a disney dad too much but he does suffer form "Divorced Dad Guilt" big time. 

For me - I would say that the biggest issues I have is how DH acts when SD16 is here and how he babies her. And also I am my own worst enemy. I thought when I met him (and her) that we could have a happy life together but as she is getting older I just find myself counting down the days (uggh years) until she is no longer having to stay here. The Wednesdays she is here are fine but the EOW visits are just draining me of my happiness! I know if she was busy with friends and activities and actually left the house for a little bit on these weekends I woudl be 1000% happpier. 

Aniki's picture

It's not always easy for people to see that their biggest obstacle is: THEMSELVES.

So many times I see on here "if he/she/it would change". And that is the problem. YOU want that change, but no one else cares. I just wrote on another post that your partner may make half-hearted attempts, but then goes right back to the same ol'-same ol'. Because they do NOT want to change. 

To me, it's like losing weight or quitting drinking pop or quitting smoking: that person has to WANT that change and be ready to change. For some of us, it's seeing that WE are the problem so we need to change our behavior, our expectations, or ourselves. Or move on.

Gimlet's picture

Ugh, yes.  It's also hard to see and accept the things that you need to change.  Way easier to point out someone else's shortcomings. 

And change is WORK. 

Aniki's picture

Yes, change IS work. And not everyone wants to do that work. They make feeble attempts, then stop. 

I realized that *I* was part of the problem because of my anger at the Disney Dad situation. When I make a concentrated effort to let go of that anger, look the other way, and let DH handle (or ignore) things, I was a new woman! But it was bloody hard to let go and I have to make a conscious effort.

Gimlet's picture

I am intolerant of certain personality characteristics and often critical.  I have empathy but often have to work to find it.  Boundaries are my life blood so I want to set them everywhere and anger makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  All of these things are still a work in progress. 

On the other hand, I do make a nice appetizer tray to go with delicious cocktails, so there's that. 

Cooooookies's picture

LOL Gimlet you crack me up!

I am much like you.  The world is very black and white for me and everyone should just flipping do what they are supposed to do.  I had a horrible childhood and first marriage but so what, I survived, let go, move on, get on with it.  What's wrong with people??

And then I married DH who dearly loves to hold onto his past and pity SS to crippling proportions.

Life is teaching me SO MANY lessons.

*rapideyetwitch*

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's rarely one person or thing that is the problem. It's usually a combination of multiple people/things.

For me, I know BM is the cause of many problems in general. BUT, how my DH reacts to her shenanigans (mixed with his own parenting style) plays a big part in our marital problems. Plus, I like things a certain way, and there are just certain things I'm not willing to try or do (to my own detriment) unless it's absolutely necessary because it's anathema to who I am.

It's hard to blame the people we love the most, and even harder to shine that light on ourselves. It's absolutely crucial, though.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

My problem is that i "go off" whenever something comes up with the ex and then i look for more evidence. My SO accidentally called me by her name last night when he was telling a story to his parents. I wanted to let it go but when he asked what was wrong, i couldn't help it. He also told me that he would stop letting her interfere with "his" weeks. She has either picked up the kids for an hour each day or texted him about it and it is his time. And after i made him promise that, today, since he has the kids and is off work they would leave each other alone (he wouldn't respond to her) he "had" to text her today to tell her to be careful about the coronavirus when she gets them next. Each time i yell and nag. Tomorrow her week starts and their status quo is daily exchanges. I have to stop nagging. At this point i need to find another tactic, but i just can't seem to shut my mouth and think. Nagging doesn't work. He knows i will just keep bitching and keep taking it. But what else can i do? 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Maybe a night class, the gym, a new hobby or all of these?

The busier your are elsewhere investing in self fulfillment, the more your perspective will change and the less you'll give a d@mn what kind of stupid dance your SO is doing. Bonus is he'll notice you're not around and start chasing YOU.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You are so right. Directly addressing the problems has accomplished almost nothing and made me a nag and "crazy." 

Cooooookies's picture

You're not crazy, Rumples.  You are dating a man who is still emotionally enmeshed with his ex-wfie and still treats her as though she has wife status.  You play second fiddle to your own partner.

I promise there are other men out there who will treat you right.  Treat you with love, respect, kindness.  This guy?  NOT it.