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Stepdaughter refuses to say name

Rhibee83's picture

Ok so I have been with my other half for 18 months now and I have 2 kids as do I. 

his eldest (5) completed refuses to say my name. We have tried nicknames, silly names whatever she wants to call me but she just refuses to instead tries to get my attention by tapping at me; which i ignore. She will ask me something and I will say who are you asking? She will respond with you, I will ask who's that and she will go in a mood.


ive tried talking to her to see why she doesn't but she has no reason. I did think it was because I was asking so her dad also asked privately but just got don't know. It is really frustrating and actually hurts me. To the point that I am thinking I just remove myself from their lives completely. If their dad has them then I will not be involved.

does anyone have any suggestions 

tog redux's picture

Well, first off, don't take a 5-year-old's actions personally.  Can I guess that she has a high-conflict mother who isn't exactly pleased with your appearance in her kids' lives? If so, then let it be if she's not rude to you (I don't see this as rude, per se, if she is talking with you, not disrespecting you, pleasant to you, etc.). Are there other issues that would make you end the relationship?

Rhibee83's picture

No, her mother is absolutely fine and there is no animosity whatsoever. So it hasn't come from her at all. 

I am not talking about ending our relationship just detaching from the kids. Let him do his own thing when he has them and we do our own thing 

tog redux's picture

Okay, then you and your SO have to decide if it's important that she say your name and worthy of giving consequences (I don't think so), or whether to let it go.  It might just be her way to feel like she has control over something, don't get into a power struggle about it.

Rhibee83's picture

I think it's important that she says my name it's a level of respect.

We are not giving consequences for her to not say it all as that would be harsh.

Rhibee83's picture

She also refuses to eat anything I cook her, we have to say daddy made it in order for her to eat.

his son won't sit at the dinner table (kind of let him off he is 2) but because he isn't she gets up and messes about which then in turn makes my well behaved kids at the dinner table not do so 

caninelover's picture

There should be basic agreed on rules - eat at the table or let the kids wander while they eat, bedtime, how much tv etc. as you can't have one set of rules for your kids and he has a completely different set.  

So you can disengage and not parent / enforce rules with his kids - but there should be similar rules and you should enforce them if your kids don't follow them either.

Rhibee83's picture

I'm thinking of just not being there when he has his kids. I can swap the weekends of mine no problem so when I have mine he doesn't have his and when he has his I don't have mine and I bugger off for a few days 

Rhibee83's picture

He doesn't. I pointed out that I went out to buy wellies for my eldest as we were going somewhere but as I was buying her something I picked up something for all of them so it was fair.

he went a did a full wardrobe shop and took my kids with him (I was working) and didn't buy them anything. They had asked for something and were told no! How does that look to my kids?

All of this just makes me think I shouldn't be involved in their lives 

caninelover's picture


GrudgingSM's picture

It sounds like the name thing isn't the only issue but it's where the frustration is surfacing. His daughter is clearly giving you the cold shoulder in more than one way. And it also sounds like you and your DH have a different sense of how each of you should engage with each other's kids. I would definitely swap weekends (because also that would just be nice to have the solo time together), but consider more open and honest conversation and maybe couples counseling to work out good boundaries that will work long term. The weekend switch will help with some issues but if you want to be able to live together or combine lives more fully, it would be Good to agree on more of those house rules


Harry's picture

He must put a stop to this nonsense ASAP.  Or it's going to be a control game, SK are controlling you. Will not talk to you, will not eat your food. And this will not stop.   If he's not parenting his kids I am sure he's not doing other things too. 

24 years as a SM's picture

You say the BM is fine, I suspect there is more going on at BM's house than what you think. A 5 year old not saying your name and not eating the food that you cook, is not normal. BM could be telling this child all sorts of scary stuff about you. Emotional blackmail is one of the top things that HCBM's use to PAS a child.