Stepdaughter refuses to call me ANYTHING
Hi there,
I'm new here and I just need to get some advice. I've been with my husband since stepdaughter was 3 she's 8 now. We've been married for 2 years. My husband was never married to biomom. SD and I get along fairly well, (aside from the annoying bratty sh*t that she does every now and then). SD is very close to her mom. She also has a stepdad that she doesn't call by name and was told by BM that she did not have to call him anything until she was comfortable. My husband has lightly scolded SD for this behaviour but has not enforced that she respect me by calling me by my name. He feels that it is disrespectful for her to call me by my first name, but I think it's way more disrespectful to not call me anything.
When she wants my attention, she hits or taps me, which is completely inappropriate. I have tried to talk to her. I've tried to come up with nicknames. I've tried ignoring her when she won't call me anything. Nothing happens. I have talked to my husband about this numerous times and it seems to go out of into one ear and out of the other. This has been going on way too long (almost 6 years) and I do not even know how to correct this issue.
Has anyone else gone through this?
I'm sorry to tell toy that
I'm sorry to tell toy that this child is learning terrible behaviors by BOTH her mother and her father!
You said her BM is telling her it is ok not to address any adult by a name until she is comfortable. Well this is dead wrong. The kid is 8! She's obviously in school, so what does she do with her teachers?! But as to what she does at BMs house, you can't change.
As to the behaviors in your home, you CAN change. Your DH is dead WRONG. You said, "he feels that it is disrespectful for her to call me by my first name," which is not disrespectful at all. Most stepmoms are called by their first names. But if he's uncomfortable with that, you could be called, "Stepmom X".
And since HE won't take control of the situation, it looks like YOU will have to teach this child manners. So go "SuperNanny" on her! Get down to her eye level, and in a calm voice, look at her and tell her firmly, but gently,
"I am your stepmother and deserve to be treated with respect. I expect you to call me "X" from now on whenever your address me. I will not tolerate you tapping me or pulling on me when you need something from me. From now on, you will only use my name when you need me. Do you understand?"
And then you can give her a hug and casually move on.
She'll get it! Believe me, she's only been acting this way because she's been ALLOWED to by the adults in her life.
I bet if you went to her school, she acts appopriately with her TEACHERS!
I totallly agree with
I totallly agree with Now4teens. Your husband and BM are allowing SD to disrespect adults by not learning the proper way to address them. The clear cut, this is the way it is method mentioned is good, something I would have done. Do prepare for the backlash as I feel you very well are going to get a response from someone (husband, SD, or BM) on this as I always did and fingers were always pointed at me with blame.
I would ignore her and if she
I would ignore her and if she taps again hold her hand and look her in the eye and tell her what you'd like her to call you, repeat this 3 times and if she taps you again ignore her until she says your name, it is way too long not to call you anything.
My ss, 12, does not call me
My ss, 12, does not call me anything. he used to call my mommy and stopped about 3 years ago-now he does not refer to me as anything. If he does he uses my name which my dh finds disrespectful-as it seems to be a passive way of rejecting me.
Do you do anything for him
Do you do anything for him regarding his day-to-day care?
I'd be damned if I'd continue to care for a child who disrespected me so.
I'm sorry he's doing this to you. You say your DH finds it disrespectful to use your name? What does he want you to be called? Most stepmoms are called by their first names, even by their SKids. Maybe SS is uncomforatble calling you "mommy" because you are not his birth mom? Perhaps he would be more comfortable calling you "Stepmom X"? Would this be agreeable to DH as well?
Just some things to think about. Maybe your SS is extremely conflicted about his BM. I don't know the specifics of your family relationship, but kids at this developmental stage tend to go through a lot of conflict with regard to their emotions. Perhaps a frank and honest talk with him (and DH) is needed to explore what he is feeling might be in order.
My SK's call me by my first
My SK's call me by my first name. I hate it, but that was what my DH wanted. My son calls him by his. They have in the divorce decree that they can't call anyone mom or dad but the bio's. Tell him something has to be done to change the behavior.
that's terrible..... my
that's terrible..... my skids call me by my first name and refer/introduce me as "my stepmom, starfish"