Stepchildren, 15yrs and 17yrs, want to live with us...new baby on the way!
It was rough in the beginning, trying to connect with my stepchildren. Now that we've reached a point where "I" can coexist with them without feeling like a 3rd wheel in my own home, they have decided they want to come live with us, instead of moving with their mom to a new state. I didn't think twice about it. My answer is "NO"! At 15 and 17yrs of ago, these kids are basically adults. My husband works odds hours, shift work. He works on the weekend and his is in the miliarty reserves, facing another deployment this Dec. The children now live with their mom in the midwest. She has recently decided to move to another state (no where closer to us). The teens have decided instead of going with her they want to live with us. The day before the ex made this announcement, we found out that we are expecting our first together (Feb 2011). I love my husband, but I can't do it, I won't do it. Everyone I speak to seems to think I'm being selfish. The kids don't want to move her out of need or safty concerns, but instead out of preference. We they are here we are constantly having to explain that because they are here for a short time, we are more active than we would be if there were here fulltime. Stressing to them to not get caught up in a temporary visit. I have the greater of the two incomes, I am the one at home, I am the one taking care of the bills, and everything else that comes with running a home. This move would be on me. I'm actually starting to get pissed that he would even have the audacity to ask me something like this knowing he is barely ever home. Damn! He just got back from a being away two weeks, he was gone for two weeks in March, and facing a 6 month tour this Dec. No, I ain't doing it and I realize I will be the bad guy. I can live with that. Is there anyone out there who has taken a similar stance and said No? I can't enjoy being pregnant thinking about trying to make other people happy.
Please excuse the spelling
Please excuse the spelling errors. OMG!
You're right, they were
You're right, they were around before me. they also have a mother who is capable of taking care of them. Unlike you, I work full time, I'm a MBA student and expecting my first child at 37yr. Naw, its a stress I can do without. I agree, there's only a few more yrs to graduation, there is no harm in them staying with mom until then. They've been with her all this time. The grass they think is green now, will become brown they move here and thats when the drama will start. Naw, much PROPS to you for doing it. You're better than me.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being that selfish. Why are they wanting to move in with you and your husband instead of staying with their mother? I dreaded it when the four step kids slowly came to live with us as their BM kicked each one out of her house. It sucked. Those kids are all grown now and they are still nuts! In the process of them living with us until the end of November (they are all in their twenties), they taught me and my husband's kids together their bad habits. Lovely. No, I don't blame you at all for wanting the kids from his previous marriage to stay with their BM. It is going to put a huge responsiblity on you and a time when you don't need the extra stress.
I don't feel your being
I don't feel your being selfish. If your husband had a 9-5 kind of a job it might be different. I don't think most people would expect a stepfather to do this so why should the stepmom just because you are a woman. As long as their mom is a good one & this is just because they think the grass is greener that is not a good reason.
I agree with The Wicked One.
I agree with The Wicked One.
Thanks to everyone that
Thanks to everyone that responded. The SD has had bebavorial problems in the past. The ex actually, called one day in a rage, demanding that we come get her because she had put a stick in a VCR. I've seen typical teen behavior in both of them, and thats just in two month time period. They really show their faces around the time their visit ends. Although they are only with us a short time, I see a lack of repect towards my husband. I believe its because he is not there with them everyday and they don't like his attempts to discipline them. But thats his own fault, trying to be the "fun parent" all the time. While they were here x-mas, they informed us that the BM and her BF have been speaking really bad about us. They were visibly hurt. Last yr we gave them a new computer, the BM pawned it. I told my husband to be sure and communicate with her that if she needs some extra, communicate, dont sell their gifts. My guess its things like this thats behind it. But perhaps its our fault. Trying to give and do so much for them when they are here. With BM, she doesn't allow them opportunities to socialize outside of school. No soccer, dance team, etc. But in order for them to do that here, I will have to take on that responsibility. Too much at once. Thanks again everyone!
i would NEVER allow skids at
i would NEVER allow skids at that age to suddenly move in....hell, i freaked out when sd13 and ss10 were bouncing that idea around living with dh & i vs bm a couple of months ago..... why can't bm postpone her move until her kids graduate???
you're not being selfish, you're being proactive..... you do not need the stress during your pregnancy (btw, CONGRATS!).. and it will be a total hell if skids move in.... stay tuff~!
I agree with Stemom333 - if
I agree with Stemom333 - if he was there then I would do it. If not, then it is not your problem to raise their kids. If he wants you to do it, he can leave the military or ask for a change to his responsibilities in order to be more involved with his children.
You know, we've had that
You know, we've had that discussion, even before this topic of the kids came along. And no, he doesn't want to leave the military, or move closer to the them, or change his profession. So, if he's not willing to sacrafice for them, why should I? This is why this whole thing ticked me off. I'm not the one being selfish.
I wish that I would have had
I wish that I would have had your courage to say no two years ago when SD16(at the time 14) said she wanted to live with us. I only agreed to it because the stepdad was molesting SD16 and while visiting us over summer, finally felt safe enough to tell us(well tell me & I had to tell DH). Things were good in the beginning, we had SD16 in therapy (which I drove her to once a week for a year), charges were being brought against stepdad, and things were good. Then right before the 1st call hearing for stepdad, SD16 decides to tell the DA that her therapist is coaching her on her testimony. DA makes us pull SD16 from therapy. Big mistake. I spoke to the therapist, she wasn't coaching SD16, she was having SD16 work on accepting what happened to her and ways to deal with the constant reminders. Since we pulled SD16 from therapy, everything has been down hill since then. I know that a lot of the problems DH & I are having with SD16 stem from the abuse she suffered and the constant contact with BM & BM telling her that DH & I(mainly me) are wrong. If I wouldn't have found out about the abuse, I would have never let SD16 move in with us and I am now wishing she'd go back to BM. Because we are no longer helping her deal with her problem, it has gotten brushed under the rug as if it never happened and DH is back to guilty daddy parenting because he doesn't want SD16 to go back to BM.
Do not feel guilty or selfish for saying no. My DH is a truck driver and is barely home. All the running, sport practices, doctor appointments, visitation drop offs to BM, everything falls on me and since your DH is barely home, that responsibility will fall on you. With you expecting a new baby (congrats), it is not worth all the stress. Especially if the skids are not in any danger. Best of luck to you.
Don't do it. Your first
Don't do it. Your first instinct to say no was right. Better to be the "bad guy" now because you are assured to be one eventually. You have to protect yourself and your baby. I wish I would have said no years ago. The cost was too great for me. Good luck and congrats on the baby!
Dotn do it.I refused to do it
Dotn do it.I refused to do it and things turned out fine. DF is unemployed and tried that crap with me.I love him but I couldnt do it. Let them go with there mom. You will want the special time with you and your baby and you deserve it. There is nothing more fun.
I wouldn't do it and my SK
I wouldn't do it and my SK are way younger than yours. I am also expecting my first child and the added responsibility with them here for short periods causes a lot of stress and anxiety. I know my DH would love to have his entire family under one roof and although he has the typical 9-5, the pressures of raising children and undertaking the responsibilities is something I wouldn't entertain. I want a normal life, free of disrespect and drama just because my husband has a blended family now doesn't mean the SP should be stripped of their right to that kind of happiness and freedom.
We have a nasty, rude,
We have a nasty, rude, disrespectful SD17 living with us who is opiniated, rude and emotionally blackmails and treats us all like we are something nasty on her shoe. Dad enables this behaviour and she just sits around the house making the whole place at atmosphere horrible. She's threatening to go back to her mum and I am encouraging it but her dad is horrified.
It's actually got the point where one of us has to leave. I've only been married to her dad for 3 weeks (but we've been together for 4 years) and she's amped up the bad behaviour now because she knows she's gone down in rank now. My 15 year old son is devastated, he can't stand her because what she is doing to this family.
Stick with your 'No' because, when my SD leaves, she's not coming back to live with us again.
Is BM moving somewhere
Is BM moving somewhere unsafe? DH is barely ever home so how does HE expect to take care of HIS kids? If he was willing to alter his job/schedule to accommodate this move then maybe you'd have something to talk about but to just dump two teens on you by default is unfair.
I told my DH that his adult
I told my DH that his adult kids will never live in our home. He never asked again.