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Vent for a few seconds!

sshoho's picture

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Please forgive me but give me just a tad minute to vent. Ex wife emailed the 14 year old stepdaughters schedule. This is the first time we've gotten advance notice.

Dec. 19 to 27

It was okayed with everyone, I took vacation to make sure someone is home with her and we just got an email from ex wife, "airlines goofed - I'm sending her from dec. 24 to jan. 5 and ps - she has to be in anaheim for a school sponsored event so make sure she gets there from dec. 29 to 30."

There goes all of my vacation. I totally resent this! I knew advance notice was too good to be true.

Mary Louise's picture

sorry, but if you agreed to dec 19 -27 why are you re-arranging your vacation?

DH needs to have a serious talk w/ Ex about scheduling and taking responsibility for changes herself.

sshoho's picture

Well he's afraid. Ex wife took the child out of state illegally and didn't send her back for a year and half. We sought out legal advice but they told us we would win but it would cost $3,000 up front and up to $10,000 along the way. We do not have that kind of money so we quietly accepted the situation.

He's afraid if he puts up any fight, we won't see her again till she's 18. I cannot believe this hell I live in. I miss my single days!

chellebelle143's picture

The airline goofed, what a crock. I know they have been known to make mistakes,but when it is their fault they usually at least offer to put the customer on standby and offer up some type of comp. I have ordered so many tickets online, and only once have I had a problem with the airline. I agree that your DH needs to have a talk with ex, your time is just as important as hers.

**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**

sshoho's picture

Honestly, I have come to resent the ex and the child so much maybe it is for the best I have less time. If it is not a happy healthy situation, maybe it is best that it is limited exposure for the 14 year old. She shouldn't suffer because of the actions of her mother, yet honestly, I resent her...

I hate feeling guilty for everything. I'm not a PISCES!!!

Riley's picture

Maybe I don't understand, but where is the DH during this upcoming SD visit? Any reason why he isn't working all this out, i.e., struggling with vacation time, etc.?

From experience, the more you take on with this role, the more the DH will let most cases, and maybe it's genetic, but dads will let the step-moms pick up all the pieces. I'm not saying they're ALL that way. Again, maybe it's just the male gene programmed to believe that women take on the child-caring roles. Is this a possibility with your DH? And if so, is this what you two have agreed to or is it just turning out that way? By default, the issues regarding the SD should fall squarely on his shoulders first and if he needs help, then you decide if you provide that help.

If this is causing you stress and resentment, maybe it would be best to take a look at DH's role. Doesn't he need to pick up this ball?

sshoho's picture

Hubby is the one communicating with the birth mom, not me. He is just informing me of the crap she is pulling. He says he is a father first, husband second. He also feels that his ex has total control since she has kidnapped this child illegally. We really are between a rock and a hard place.

Thank god I have this forum, I think I would lose my mind if I didn't have a place to just shout!

Anonymous's picture

do don't let that child move it. That will be the biggest mistake and the marriage comes first, so maybe its time to give him a wake up call.

Riley's picture

Can I offer that DH needs to reprioritize? While I can appreciate the fact that he's a father, his children will not live with him for the rest of his life as you have committed to do. They will grow to adulthood and live their lives; visitation and "kid issues" will become moot points in your lives.

Any expert will tell you that the spouse comes first, not just to secure the bond the couple have once the children are grown and gone, but to set the stage of teaching the children about adult relationships and love.

The best thing my hubby did was make sure his kids knew that my and his relationship came first. Not in the sense of excluding them or neglecting them, not at all, but in the practice of supporting each other first and foremost, of understanding each other's foibles, or laughing and hugging openly in a healthy environment for kids to live in.

My skids grew up understanding that Dad and Riley were a united front, a couple with mutual love and respect for each other, and leaders of the house and of the children. If they knew nothing else, they knew that home was safe because it was built on the foundation of two adults making each other their first priority, not on kids who grow up, move out and live their lives.

I strongly believe that because we marinated them in our love for each other, they grew up more stable than if they were taught that they came first. And now that the kids are grown, we aren't sitting here trying to get to know each other, because we made our life-long committment to each other a lower priority. Rather we have an amazing, strong, weather-all-storms bond between us that would only have come by my hubby making me his priority; and I doing the same for him.

Some people think that they have to make their children their top priority, I suppose because children are so needy. To me that just breeds selfish, self-absorbed adults who honestly believe they are the most important people in the world. To give a child the opportunity to live with 2 adults who he/she knows absolutely would go to the wall for that other person is a huge gift. They learn loyalty, respect, honor, truth, unconditional love, you name it.

I hope this makes sense. It sure does to the experts and I would encorage you to run this concept by your DH. This doesn't address your immediate issue, but when I read that DH makes you 2nd priority, I just felt compelled to offer some insight that I know, falls into couples-counseling. So my apologies if I've overstepped my bounds.

sshoho's picture

Thanks Riley. I guess being Asian, I just kind of accepted being put second was okay. I figured who would want a man who puts his kids second...but that gets old. I'm not sure it's fair to change the rules in the middle of the game but I am so unhappy right now. I really don't know what to say.

Thanks for the upbeat and good advice. Smile

Mary Louise's picture

that is what i wanted to say but i knew i would put my foot in my mouth if i tried


Riley's picture

Sshoho, I understand the Asian culture. Lived in it for over 7 years. So don't get me started on how this culture views marriage, child rearing, women, etc.

I also understand how difficult it appears it would be to change the rules now. But when I'm confronted with this prospect, I step back and realize:

Life is about change. Consequently, I look at life as though nothing is written in stone (except the 10 Commandments). Either I will experience this aspect of my life and realize "this ain't workin' and need it to change" OR I will experience this aspect in my life and realize "it's workin', don't fix it, it ain't broken."

What do the most successful corporations do? They are in a constant state of evaluation. What's working? What isn't? Let's fix what isn't working even though it's been a policy for years.

I'm not saying your marriage is a corporation, I'm saying change is inevitable. In your case, the change has occurred internally with your unhappiness of the status quo. You were happy at first, but that's changed to being unhappy right now. So in reality, change has already occurred in the middle of the game. Does that make sense? Okay, you've tried it, the way it is up to this point. It's not working for you. So how can you fix it? Either alone, by internally accepting things the way they are OR together, with DH, externally setting new priorities.

As to the "who wants a man who puts his kids second"? You do. By putting you first, he is going to yield healthier children. And that, in and of itself is like putting them first. It's a means to an end. He has nothing to loose by adopting this viewpoint.

Silversomething, I have chewed on my own foot so many times, I actually believe it's a haute cuisine now.

strugglingat28's picture

BM is being a pain....she should be more responsible about agreeing to dates and a schedule for her child. If she is doing it intentionally, then that's even worse.

Sorry you are dealing with this. DH should stick up for your vacation and the plans. That is the only way BM will learn to not pull this stuff, intentionally or not.

Good luck with it, and don't let BM ruin your time, too. Step moms share their home, life, effort, heartaches, headaches, money, devotion, and husbands with their Skids. You at least need some time for vacation, without someone changing plans on you.
I hope it all works out for you.