Are we jealous of skids?

Forums:

DH asked me a few years ago if I was jealous of his relationship with skids. I told him absolutely not. What bothers me is that when they come to visit, he seems to exclude me from conversations and activities. Who wants to be treated like a stranger in their own home? I sure don't. If this is how its going to be, they should go to your mother's house. Its like we are expected to give endlessly to skids, our time, our money, and love, treat them like they are my own. But everyone, including DH keeps reminding me that I'm NOT their mother. So to answer my own question, no we are not jealous of skids. But we are sensitive to being alienated.

How many of you have had your SO ask you this question?

That's honest!!

you said that beautifully,

you said that beautifully, hypovic. that is exactly how i feel. she is nothing and has nothing that i want. believe it or not, sometimes when people dislike someone, it's because that someone's behavior or attitude is crap. i can dislike someone without being jealous of them. it really annoys me how many people don't get that about other people. there are more reasons than jealousy to resent someone.

My dh always completely

My dh always completely ignored him when his oldest son would visit from college. Always. Completely. When I called him on it he said "but "M" is here..."

Yeah, well, I don't care if the pope and the president are here, you don't IGNORE your wife for 4 solid days!

So...on a later visit, I overheard him explaining to the kid that he could not ignore me and he was sorry. SORRY??? No, I am the one who is SORRY...

Well said. Over time, they

Well said. Over time, they began to gravitate to me because what I was doing without them was more interesting. He eventually reached a point of saying "they talk to you about things they never talk to me about." HA! Now who's jealous.

@hypovic: I'm reading some

@hypovic: I'm reading some posts and I'm sorry but some of us sound jealous. The hard lesson I had to learn while dating my DH, was that his children where here before me. He had a relationship with them before me. I have to accept that. So, if he wants to spend time with them, call them, whatever, go ahead. Never to stand in the way of him trying to be a father. Even at 25yrs old, children will still turn to their parents. I still turn to mine for advice. Some of us need to realize, DH's life does not revolve around them. I've only seen that with DH who have no children. But even then they have close friends and family that existed before the SO. Its a delicate balance, for DH and DW. I totally believe that a line should be drawn with adult children. Disrepect, in any form, of SO should not be tolerated. But we also have to be realistic in our expectations.

I wasn't speaking for your

I wasn't speaking for your situtation directly, just speaking generally as I reviewed some of the other posts. The reality is, if "our marriage is the focus" was true, this website probably wouldn't exist. We are here not because of the children's behavior, but because of the behavior of our SO when it comes to the skids. If "our marriage is the focus" were true problem skids would be removed from our situations immediately by the SO. Eventually, more of us will move on, and happily.

>>>We are here not because of

>>>We are here not because of the children's behavior<<<

Please do not speak for me. My DH treats me like a queen. He does not tolerate disrespect towards me from his spawn. He sent his daughter back home on a plane a week early because she was being a jerk to us.

Sometimes, they really are the problem.

@twopines, you are correct,

@twopines, you are correct, SOMETIMES it is the kids.

@sa_: really, do ya fucking

@sa_:

really, do ya fucking think, just maybe???

"SOMETIMES it is the kids."

@Hypovic: I'm not jealous but

@Hypovic: I'm not jealous but I do recognize it when I see it. By the way, what is "hypovic" short for?

You're better than me. I

You're better than me. I could never reach the point of loving them in that way.

I am not jealous. I just

I am not jealous.

I just don't like the loss of control DH has handed me in my own home. He has done this by not supporting me as a parent. Since I am not a parent, I have a loss of control in my home. Giving up control of my safe place was and still is the hardest part.

DH's kids are like a roommate having something you are forced to tolerate to keep the roommate. Its not mine, I don't control it. Like if your roommate had a dog and you have a dog. You are forced to feed it and let it outside or else you risk it shitting on your carpet and chewing on your furniture. You do this because you have a dog and you are feeding it and letting yours out anyway. But when yours jumps on the sofa, you yell, DOWN and give it a slap. If you do that to your roommate's dog, all hell breaks loose so your roommates dog sleeps on the sofa while you and your dog sit on the floor.

Your roommate comes home, coddles the dog, pets it, steps around the pee you cleaned on the carpet saying silly dog, don't pee on the floor. Then said roommate asks what you made for dinner.

The only difference is - you are married to the roommate therefore kicking him out isn't as easy.

I would agree, I've had that

I would agree, I've had that feel as well.

It's funny that you bring up

It's funny that you bring up control. Our marriage counselor says that's my biggest problem dealing with his kids...that I have no control, and I need to be in control. The funny thing is...I have never had any control of anything since I moved into "their" house (his & skids). I do not have a safe place - a place that is private and all mine, and since I am not their parent, I have no control of what happens in my home. Your example of the dog is perfect! It's okay for them to stomp all over you, take advantage whenever it's convenient, but if you say one thing (to try to hold on to some type of control), you're the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy....I saw something on facebook the other day that says: It's going to get harder before it gets easier. But it will get better, you just have to make it through the hard stuff first. I wonder if that applies to us.

Sthomas, In the case of

Sthomas, In the case of skids, it does not get better after the initial hard stuff, it gets worse unless you put your foot down and take control of what could, in the long run, have a dtremental effect on your emotional and physical health. You have to be the one to value your needs, and your needs need to be the first priority for you. You might say this is selfish but aren't the others in your home placing their needs first? It is awful to be outnumbered like that but I've been there too. I finally had to disengage to save my sanity.

I too expected him to show

I too expected him to show disappointment in the skids behavior in my defense, but got nothing. Its like he thinks he has nothing to do with it. Someone told me that DH is in a difficult position because he has to choose between you and them. And he chooses them becaue they've always been there. This hurts, because it says something is really wrong with my marriage, beyond the issues with the skids. Your resentment is probably more towards him than the SD.

This happened to me too. DH

This happened to me too. DH actually ran out of the house so he could avoid coming to my defense when he rightly should have. DH once accused me of being jealous of SD as yet another ploy to avoid confronting her about her rude and emotionally abusive behavior. I never thought of it before, but it DOES sound like there is something really wrong with the marriage - beyong step issues. One of the other posters said it was resentment - that seems to fit. I resent that DH had the guts to confront me and defend SD for so many years. I had done nothing to deserve it. I have to admit things really changed after I set limits and disengaged. You know what would really be cool now is for DH to just say sorry for using me as a scapegoat and allowing SD to do so also.

No jealousy here. I do

No jealousy here. I do however think that his kids have jealousy and resentment towards myself and husband for not bailing them out anymore. They feel like "we have it so we should help them out"

That is the jealousy and resentment part...

They also think that i was not around they could work their father. This is true. I have had to intervene because i began to realize that they were taking advantage of him and working on guilt. I could see it but my husband had a hard time with this. I told him that he was not helping them anymore, only enabling them. It took him a long time to see this but now we are on the same page.

They do not understand that when you are 35 you are a grown up and capable of figuring out your own problems. So now one of his kids has stopped talking to both of us. His choice.

I have never been jealous of any of them. I have only wanted them to succeed. But this is hard for grown adults steeped in dysfunction to figure out.

I'm not jealous. I feel sorry

I'm not jealous. I feel sorry for my stepkids, except for SD5, and it's not a jealousy issue with her either. It's a "Why are you such a brat?" issue.

My older two stepchildren have really crappy mothers. It hurts them a lot to see how my children have it so good, and they long for that connection with their own mothers, and it just isn't going to happen. I mean, they have their dad, but, ya know, it's not the same. I try to make up for it with them, but there's only so much I can do, and I can't smooth over the loss of their bio moms.

My SD5 is just a freaking jerk. I blame it on her mom, and the fact that she's been in daycare 50 hours a week since she was 6 weeks old, so she's got attention seeking issues. I just find her intolerable to be around, but I am certainly not jealous of her. Her dad can't freaking stand her either. She really is a jerk.

i agree. i hate it when i

i agree. i hate it when i feel alienated when i'm with DH. it's not that he loves his kids, it's that i don't exist when they are around. push me away to accommodate them.

i'm not really complaining, this only lasted for a VERY short time and he had a reason for it. he doesn't do it anymore.

You're funny! The jealousy is

You're funny! The jealousy is not about their lives but about their relationship with your SO. If there's no really close relationship between SS and SO to speak of, then you wouldn't jealous, just irritated as hell that you have to deal with them at all.

I haven't been asked if I'm

I haven't been asked if I'm jealous..yet. I'm sure he'll get to that!

I have started doing one thing that is good. And it seems to have made an impact of sorts.

Anytime my bf says something to me or to the sd12 that sounds as if he's talking to me or should be.. such as "sweetheart, blah blah blah" very loudly, i'll say.. are you talking to me??

Even if I'm in the other room and I know he's "talking" to her...lol.
It amuses me. Me and my grand jealousy!!!

If you read my blog from

If you read my blog from about 2 weeks ago DH yelled at me in front of SD15 "stop being so jealous of my daughter." I am still pissed about it. My attitude towards him and SD has totally changed and he does not like it. I am not jealous of that little twit and the fact that he did that in front of her really pisses me off!! I am sure she was right on her phone texting BM all about it!!

I have to say I find that

I have to say I find that unforgiveable of your DH. He has demoted you permanently to the status of a child and the equal of SD. How can he make this up to you? The damage is appalling.

I feel irritation and fear

I feel irritation and fear that they will try to gain some financial benefit... DH pays no real emotional attention to them, it is all a tiresome posture... if only he really knew how to care for them, I feel, the eldest would be less hostile to me... the others have managed to find a way to get emotional support (of sorts) from him.

Oh Stepaside, so true so

Oh Stepaside, so true so true. Loved the "Mental midget mighty powers" bit too. A great movie about the way that emotional trickery of this sort is played is that old one, Sex Lies and Videotapes. It's about real jealousy, because it has a married man having an affair with his wife's sister, but the real drama is the way that the husbhand whoops up the wife's jealousy and uses it to undermine her and lead her to believe she has invented her own fears. Masterful.

You really had to ask that

You really had to ask that huh....lol

Yes Im jealous in a few different ways. DH has kids & I don't, I feel that my step kids have been neglected by their own BM but if I were the BM of them - they would just be better off all together, Im jealous that my DH shared such with another woman that I have not been able to give to him, & i feel robbed of becoming a mother but its the decision I made the day we married. That I would never take back, my DH is the best husband any woman could ever ask for!

Dammed when you say I do.. Dammed if you don't when its the right guy!

fdh has never accused me of

fdh has never accused me of being jealous of sd, but he accused me of being jealous of his smelly, nasty dog. why? because i apparently showed jealous behavior when he spent (seriously) 10 minutes on the floor telling his DOG good bye, then walked out the door for work without saying a word to me, and i told him how nice that was, that he could take that much time to tell his dog good bye, but not say a damn word to me. in fdh's world, not appreciating being placed beneath a dog in importance=being jealous of the dog. that kind of "logic" is too whacked to even try to explain to him why he's wrong. what i did say was "if you think i am so pathetic that i would jealous of a damn dog, what the hell are you even with me for?"

Why are "adult" children DH's

Why are "adult" children DH's first responsibility? I don't understand that statement. Responsible for what? Their emotional well being, their financial stability, their future security? I think the DW is first responsibility and priority once the kids are grown. Especially once the kids are well into their 30's and older.

Crotch droppings! Love it. No

Crotch droppings! Love it. No jealousy here. My DH's 3 brats disowned him when he left BM, and I have done nothing but encourage a reunion even though they hate me with a passion and have vowed to do whatever they can to destroy me. It breaks my heart the way skids have hurt their Father and I want nothing more than for him to have them back in his life. How they feel about me doesnt matter, I dont have to have a relationship with them and they mean less than nothing to me. But they are his KIDS. Being a BM myself I know how I would feel if I suddenly lost mine for any reason. Sometimes we just need to swallow our pride (which is a sin btw) and put ourselves in the other persons shoes for a minute.

If DH wears the shoes of a

If DH wears the shoes of a loving parent, he will do everything in his power to ensure that his children grow up to be responsible, emotionally healthy, mature adults. That is the best gift any parent can give to their children. If DH wears the shoes of a loving husband, he will respect his wife enough to expect others to do so also. A divorce that occurred years before we met DH, and the hurt that followed had nothing to do with us or our pride. We are not responsible for the sins of the parents or the sins of their children. We are not responsible for the paths they have chosen. The only responsibility we have is to honor the right for DH to maintain communication with his children.

For years I placed myself in DH's and SD's shoes at the expense of my dignity, while they never made the attempt to place themselves in mine. Finally I found the courage to walk tall in my own shoes.

^^^Absolutely this. It's a

^^^Absolutely this. It's a form of gaslighting. "I'm not an asshole, you're just too sensitive." What-e-v-e-r you mental midget!!! LOL

I need some help and don't

I need some help and don't know where to turn. My dh kids just came back into his life after 14 years and his son who is 20 years old is always in some sort of situation where he needs money and is no responsible enlighten to take care of anything in his life. For instance renewing his licence plate or buying insurance. He makes my dh feel bad since he was not there for him most of his life si my dh gives in.
There is also a 19 year old daughter who is as prissy spoiled self centered and manipulative as they come. When she comes over which is everyday she has to have all of my dh attention. She lays on him sits in his lap rubs his head neck and shoulders. She says what she wants and says things to me that are very rude and disrespectful. She comes over and spends hours here and we have our life to live and can't. Because if my dh is not in her face at all times and she can't lay across him she gets mad and cry's and my dh turns to mush. She her bf with here and gets make if dh is talking to him not her. She leaves no room for me to sit in our living room so I have to stand. She makes sure to lay across the couch with her head in my dh lap while her bf sits in the chair and a half feel just as backward and uncomfortable as I do. She has only been back in his life for about 3 weeks and she behaves like his ff not his daughter. She called my dh 28 times in one day. If I call him 3 times in one he gets mad. I believe she is trying to push me out of my dh life but he doesn't. He will not raise his voice to her and lies to her about all kinds of thing just so she don't get mad at him. He does not defend me to her when she says or does disrespectful things to me. She is coming between us and he does not see it. He says I'm jealous.....am I? Are my crazy because I don't know anymore. We are trying to have a bay since I have had 3 miscarriages and she is jealous. She actually had the nerve to ask if when we have a baby if my dh was going to forget about her and spend all his time with that baby. So she is jealous of a baby that is not evev here yet. Please help I don't know where else to turn and no one to talk to about this.

It's called "mini wife"

It's called "mini wife" syndrome. Search this website, just put in mini wife in the search bar, you can read a TON of posts/comments about this. I went through it with SD14 as well. Let me know if you have trouble finding information.

we are only jealous when our

we are only jealous when our husbands treat them like lovers.

This happened to me as well.

This happened to me as well. I told DH I would NEVER be jealous of skids but I felt left out. He said so I'm suppose to ask you every time to do something with us that's stupid I will never do that. It took a lot of arguments and crying for him to finally realize how I was feeling left out. We have yet to have skids since so this weekend will be the test to see if he is going to make changes for "us".

I'm personally not jealous of

I'm personally not jealous of skids, but I had a stepfather who was EXTREMELY jealous of me. So, it does happen. He did not care one bit that I "was there first". In all honesty though, I was jealous of BM in the beginning of our relationship. He went all out for her and it wrecked his credit for a long time. And don't get me started on how he had to give her 1/3 of his income for spawn-support. GRRR!

SD30 thinks that she is the

SD30 thinks that she is the greatest thing that ever happened to human kind. In her mind she is a rock star that everyone wants to be. How she got this idea I don't know. I would never want to be like her. She is a high school drop out single mother with a low paying job living in a small apartment. She has never had a relationship that lasted more than a couple of months. She is seriously mentally screwed up, there is no reason to be jealous of her.

You are here

Are we jealous of skids?