Step Children's Mother
Hello all, I am new to the group. I joined because I googled and issue I have currently having and want to get some insight and this site came up in the search results.
I have been married to my husband for 4 years now. I have 3 step-daughters who visit with us every 1st and 3rd weekend, breaks from school and the Summer.
Ever since getting married to my husband, his ex-wife, their mother, refuses to communicate with me directly. She sends messages to me through the girls or she will ask my husband to ask me something. This really irks me as I have communicated to her several times that she can communicate with me directly if she has an issue, question or request and she never does. She can call my cell to SPEAK to my husband, but not to me. Her daughters will come over saying "my mom asked me if you can do my hair this weekend". I just got a text forwarded from my hubby from her saying "Can your wife keep (their daughter) from Feb 1-5 and the rest of the girls on SAT and SUN? "I can take (their daughter) to her late WED night but could she pick up the other 2 from school on Friday?"
This infuriates me. It's almost as if she doesn't want to acknowledge my existence. Aren't we all adults? Why is she asking my husband about what I can do?? DH says it is a small issue... to me its the principle of the matter. Am I off base? Am I making something small, big?
Please Advise...
Let me add that DH wont be
Let me add that DH wont be here at all as he works in a different state AND it isn't our usual weekend. So essentially she is asking me to babysit their children. They can communicate about the children all they want, but when it comes to asking ME to do something, ask ME, not send a message through the kids or ask my husband if I can do something.
I am not sure if this would
I am not sure if this would annoy me, it all depends upon whether I liked and or got on with the BM. Sometimes, two perfectly nice reasonable people just dont relate or get on, and tbh its better to be amicable and use a messenger i.e. DH, rather than arguing, getting abuse from BM. Perhaps BM just doesnt like you? Or alternatively she feels awkward or perhaps its her way of letting you both know i.e. she needs to be respectful, courteous to DH and inform him regarding arrangements to do with his kids - so perhaps she reasons if she goes through DH then in turn he informs you and it kills two birds with one two i.e. she informs you both with one text/phone call...
Has DH asked her why she just doesnt ask you herself? I think he should, but be careful what you wish for. While I can appreciate where you are coming from, as personally I think some of that would irritate me too - if BM does begin to communicate directly with you, you may find she could become pricky if you disagree with her and you may wish to god you had left things as they are. Think about this carefully if I were you. The last thing you need is for anything to kick off!
Yes, it's temporary until he
Yes, it's temporary until he finds a job here where we live. We just move to the state we live in now which is where his ex and the girls live.
I get what you are saying about open communication between me and dh, but that would happen regardless. I have always been raised that if you want something from someone you go and ask them directly, not through someone as it is considered rude. After all, she isn't asking DH to watch the kids, she is asking me to alter my week to accommodate her inability to keep her children. It would be my decision whether I do it or not, not DH, so why not come to me period.
I can almost guarantee it is a pride thing and if he said to her, why don't you call my wife and ask her, she would never do so. Far be it for her to actually acknowledge that she needs or wants something from me.
Don't do it...It is not your
Don't do it...It is not your weekend..
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying..
Wouldn't it be nice to beable to actually have a relationship
with your skids mother???????????????????
I wished that one day....gave up about 3 weeks ago..
It is clear that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you..
I got the same shit...Can your wife do this...can your wife do that??
I feel woman like her and my BM are just plain BITTER...they are so damn
unhappy that you are DH's WIFE now and he probably treats you with more respect.
She doesn't acknowledge your exsistance....I get that too..
What I do is I am no longer avaliable for her. My husband does all the picking up,
he has to be present if she wants any outside help beside what is written in the court order.
If your husband is out of town..and not home...I would let him handle her..If it is not his
time with the kids and he still is not home...I would not take them..
Why....because she can't even talk to the woman that will be watching her children
while their dad is out working..
It really is bullshit...would you hire a babysitter without
communicating with her!
I totally understand what you
I totally understand what you are saying. I actually get that from my ex husbands girlfriend AND I get that from my SO ex wife. Passing messages through children is a terrible way to communicate and it only puts children in a place they do not belong.
If she wants you to take care of the skids, then damn she needs to step up and talk to you. I email my skids mom and I was the first to make contact with her. I was never introduced to her so I just took it upon myself to reach out. We aren't BFF's BUT she does help me out with the little things like what the skids like to eat etc. And on occasion she has given me heads up regarding SD16 and her feelings or her anger towards a few things. I never respond negative to her. As life is SO Much easier if things are as less drama as I can get. BUT she does do the norm BM shit and scream at SO for things or tell him I need to do this or I need to do that. BLA BLA BLA it's like hearing charlie brown's teacher talking. I think that if she is needing the kids taken care of and she can call you and talk to you or text you and communicate that's great. BUT if she is texting him to forward to you. I'd tell him up front that this is no longer acceptable. We are adults. It's time to start acting like it. If she can't then I'd block her from calling your phone. Then she can't call him on YOUR phone anymore.
I have learned in my years of being a SM and a Bio mom and a woman who deals with a new woman in my ex husbands life that by doing "favors" it is never because the BM or the SM gives a shit about you. It's the favor they need/want. If its not your weekend and the BD is not home then the answer surely needs to be no. Do no favors for a woman who clearly does not have any respect for you as his wife, or her kids caretaker when they are in your home. If you are NOT good enough to speak to then surely you can't be good enough to watch the skids when they are both unavailable. Right? I mean that's clearly how she feels. So basically she just wan't to "use" you. And to that I'd say get a sitter!
Our BM doesn't speak to me,
Our BM doesn't speak to me, probably because she knows how pathetic I think she is. The times that I've had to pick the skids up without DH, she will stand there and give me instructions (what time their game is, etc) while looking down or at her kids the whole time. It's freaking weird. I tried to be nice and friendly to her the first few times I was there for exchanges in the beginning, and when she wouldn't even look at my face and return my 'hello', I stopped making any effort at all right there. She & DH communicate plenty about the skids, and if they need me to do something, DH always asks me. I have absolutely no desire to talk to her, other than to tell her what a lazy mind twisting witch she is, but that wouldn't really be a good idea.
I wouldn't watch her children for her if their father isn't at home with you. Totally agree with Dannee--if she can't even acknowledge your existence, she really shouldn't be leaving her children with you, right?
I am a BM.... and I tried for
I am a BM.... and I tried for 3 years to make it work with my ex husbands girlfriend. We are just two very different people. Parenting styles etc everything is different. We can't and will never get along. Not all of us BM's are a piece of shit. Some of us do try. I am the kind of girl who can't stand to have that drama. I figure if my kids are going to be in their home then it would be best if we could try to relate. BUT sometimes you just can't. Last summer I dropped my son off at their house, he had an outdoor outing that day. I packed him a lunch (he asked me to) as I drove away SM through it at my car screaming that's my job. That is the kind of SM I don't want to be. I'm NOT singlen out SM's. Because I am one. I dont think it deserves a label. I think it is the person somebody is. So needless to say it's been 12 years and for the past 9 years I have had NO contact with my kids SM. And life is much easier and less stressful. Being a SM myself I found that communicating with my SO ex wife made her feel less threatened by me. Meaning I respect that she is the mom. And I am not.
I am a BM and SM, too, and
I am a BM and SM, too, and you are correct. We/they are not all psycho bitches. My idiot ex-husband has had several girlfriends that my son has spent lots of time with, and I get along with them just fine. I want my son to be loved and treated well by anyone that he spends time with, and I expect him to act in accordance.
With my skids, I have never tried to overstep boundaries or take over being the mom. There is a definite boundary there, and I have no problem with it. Our BM, however, takes it into psychoville. She's got the skids telling anyone that will listen that I'm not their real mom, my son is not their real brother, (their dad and I have been togethe for 4 years, so we're not new), they act like they can't use or borrow anything that belongs to my son (like a sweatshirt, gloves, etc), one weekend that we had them my stepdaughter was cheering at a football game;she was in tears before the game because BM had made her promise not to let me do her hair, to only let her mommy do it once they got to the field. DH wanted me to go ahead and put her hair up, and when we got to the game, BM took it down and put it right back up. WTF lady. It's a damn ponytail. If these women would get over their insecurity and just let their children be cared for by the people that care for them, things would be so much easier on EVERYONE.
Your DH needs to communicate
Your DH needs to communicate to his ex wife that you are not their babysitter. If he isn't going to be home with you, then don't do it. She should be woman enough to communicate properly, and take care of her children, when their father can't. Just say NO!!