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Wills vs. Shared Parenting Plan

canyon climber's picture

Hi, new to group. I joined a group like this when I first married my husband and it was great to have your feedback. He had a three year old daughter when Xwife decided she was gay and was going to live in a different state. He was awarded custodial parenting. I met DH when SD was four and we married when she was five. I became full time step mom happily and then left my career to be a stay at home full time step mom...Girl Scouts, PTA, sleepovers...the whole thing. Bio mom sees my SD four times a year, six weeks in the summer and three other one week vacations during the year. SD is now 13. We promote and encourage the relationship although the bio mom makes things difficult for us and has been caught in lies. SD is getting older and loves her life here with us and friends so summer visits are getting to be a struggle for SD. We are not sure how to proceed but time will tell.

My big ? for tonight is that BM called tonight and talked to DH about her will. She is making a will and wants to document that if my husband dies, SD will go to live with her in another state 2,000 miles away from here. Hmmmmm...I know I have no rights as a parent if my husband dies, but really???? I picture letting SD have some say in the matter because I can't imagine her wanting to be uprooted from the network friends, teachers, clubs etc. after loosing her dad. She does not have friends her own age where her BM lives - only has her mom's friends. She is in her last year of middle school and already marches with the HS Marching Band so has friends in the HS where she will attend next year.

I don't think BM would even "grant me" visitation with SD because she would look at the custody in black and white terms, that's just how she is. SD would literally be ripped from me and her life here that she loves so much. Does anyone know how wills work? Should we update the parenting plan instead so it is a court ordered issue and write in the parenting plan that in the event of Dad's death, SD will be able to choose where she remains? Our parenting plan is 6 years old and needs updating anyway...I am at a loss...anyone have comments, experience, advice, lawyer friends that know how this would work best???? Thanks!

Mrs.Andrews's picture

It is in my will that if something should happen to me, I'd like DH to be granted temporary emergency custody while waiting for a court date to determine custody. As long as nothing happens to me in the next 6 months, we will be good. Bio father is consenting to DH adopting my son, and therefore will be the legal father.

thefunmommy's picture

I could be wrong, but I don't believe HER will can have any say at all in what happens to your SD when your HUSBAND dies, or something happens. I believe if he's custodial parent then HIS will is the one that matters.
In my will it says my BD will go to her father. If he's gone then she goes to my father. DH's will says my skids go to his parents, not to their mother. We weren't told by our lawyers that there was anything wrong with that.

Dannee's picture

Naa...she is still the mother..
If my husband's X dies and she is the custodial parent..
the kids go to my husband..

I tried to do a will when my X lived 1600 miles away from my daughter..

Lawyer said sorry D but your daughter has a father and if you die
she will go to her father...Didn't matter that he lived 1600 miles away.

You are a stepmother, not her mother and if your husband have nothing..

Now if the BM dies first and your husband dies sencond...well that could have a different story..