You are here

Potential Depoyment and stepkid

NobodyMom's picture

DH may be deployed for 9 months next year.  We are not married but have lived together 7 years so I say DH to keep it simple.  He has full custody of his teen boys (one is 16 and the other is 19 and in college while living at home).  His ex-wife lives several states away, has no job or home (lives with friends when she is not on the road with her trucker boyfirend).  She loves her kids but is a crap parent. 

If DH dies, she of gets custody of the 16 year old, no matter what her living situation.  To me a 9 month deployment is long.  I already step up when DH is gone for a month here and there.  I have lots of my own responsibilites and commitments, and it is tough at times to be responsible for his 16 year old who is immature for his age and both teens need someone to stay on top of them, because well they just don't take care things they are supposed to. I have to remind the 19 year old every day to let the dogs out!  I am at my wits end with being given the responsiblity of a wife and mother when he is away, because I only get the hard work that goes along with those roles, not any of the authority and rewards.  I don't mean to sound selfish, but it's not always easy and I often give up things to make sure I have time to take care of his youngest.  The oldest barely talks to me and spends most time in his room when he is not working or in class...that doesn't bother me when DH is here, but when he's away for a month at a time...I feel isolated in my own home with these boys.  My relationshiop with DH and his boys is a bit fragile right now due to some "step family" drama.

I can't imagine doing this for 9 months and think I need to tell DH that his boys need to be with their mom, as she and DH are in the custody agreement, not me.  I know the boys are better off here with me, I admit that.  So am I wrong for not wanting to take care of them for 9 months and have them uprooted?  Maybe I'd feel differently if I had a warmer relationship with the boys.  I am willing to move out and let the ex-wife move in to take care of them.  But I'm afraid this could be the last straw for me...I wanted to be in a relationshiop and grow old together (eventually get married), not be a baby sitter so the parents have no responsibilites for their own kids.

tog redux's picture

Absolutely. There is no way this is your responsibility and I wouldn't even consider it.  The kids need to stay with their mother. That's not selfish - it would be selfish of DH to say anything otherwise.

beebeel's picture

No, you are absolutely right for not wanting to be a single parent to older, unrelated teen boys.

You don't even get the benefits of being the wife!! After 7 years and deployments, he doesn't care if he leaves you with nothing??

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I have mixed feeling son this one. If she really is as awful as you say it could do damage. I know the skids suffered every time DH was away. They would be left with Psycho and she did some serious damage, i would worry about them coming back in a worse state than they left in the first place when he returns.

But on the other hand, they already sound difficult and you shouldn't be asked to do that alone for 9 months either, but I know deployments aren't avoidable and are part of military life for better or for worse.

I think talk to your DH and gently tell him how stressful it is for you to be alone with them for a month and you have concers about the 9 months. He might draw to the conclusion to send them to their mom on his own, if not suggest it gently. 

NobodyMom's picture

skids here, they just make me feel isolated in my own home and there is no warm relationship...really more the older one than the younger one is the issue regarding isolation...younger one will make efforts to talk to me and respond when I talk to him.   The older one not so much.  Unfortunately DH will not draw a conclusion to send them to their mom (yes they will come back worse off I am certain).   He just will just keep talking about how they are better off here and it would not be good to uproot them (I can't argue that point)

 

tog redux's picture

I don't think it's fair to put their needs ahead of yours. DH took full custody knowing he could be deployed, and obviously, he assumed you were his go-to plan, but that's not a guarantee.  You aren't even married (though depending on where you live, it could be a common-law marriage), and he expects you just to go along with caring for his kids for 9 months because it's better for them.

I'm sorry, I don't see anyone caring about what's better for you.  If the kids were 4 and 7, maybe I could see the worry about them coming back worse and putting their needs first.  But they are 16 and 19.  Where's their own personal responsibility in this?

Don't cave for the "good of the kids".  You will regret that.

beebeel's picture

The military does not recognize common law relationships. This guy is being irresponsible to his entire family. 

tog redux's picture

Not sure if she's American - Canada has different laws about common-law relationships than the US does.

Edit: never mind.  I see she mentions states in her post. Smile

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I don't think their needs should be put first, and with the 19 year old, it's probably time for him to spread his own wings. I guess I'm just worried about your life being made more difficult when they return post the deployment because she's messed them up worse. I know the skids have this crazy adjsutment period of like 4-5 days after coming back from a WEEKEND with Psycho... So 9 months sounds like a horror story to me. lol

You could always argue that it's the perfect tiem for the kids to build a meaningful relationship with BM.

STaround's picture

First, I thank your SO for his service.

Second, he has to come up with a plan.  Perhaps 19YO can live at college? Are there dorms? Can SO call school and get kid on priority list for housing?  As to 16YO, if not mom, any grandparents?  Could you offer to let the 16YO stay with you over some vacations, to see his old friends, and give mom/gp a break-- that is the most I would do. It may sound heartless and expensive, but SO may want to look into boarding school for 16. Is the mom paying child support, and if not, why not.    IMHO, both of these boys might benefit from a more structured environment.  

ESMOD's picture

I would be frank with your BF about your misgivings.  You should be able to tell him that because you don't feel that his kids are responsive to you that you think that he should plan some alternate arrangements if he is to be deployed.  You don't mind sharing the home while he is there actively involved as their father but that you don't feel up to taking on the responsibility of two teen boys.  Tell him that you don't feel that they respect your authority and that the lack of communication with especially the older boy makes you reluctant to take on the role of supervisor while he is gone.

Now, I wouldn't be up for it personally, but you could definitely offer to vacate the home for the duration and allow his EX to move in as long as you feel that she won't damage the home in any way...It sounds like she is flaky but if she is generally not a horrible person otherwise, maybe that is a solution since BM doesn't have a home and it would allow the boys to have continuity for their school.

Alternately, is there another relative that would be willing/able to take the boys in... hopefully where they could remain in their same schools?  Or another relative that could come and stay and take on the supervisory role?  Maybe the boys have a friend they could stay with too?  The older boy likely could find some housing even if not through the school.

But, obviously, there is a financial impact if the older boy needs to rent vs be at home. 

Another thought is a discussion involving the boys regarding what would happen if he deploys and you are in charge.  Ground rules and consequences you can give out.. and the safety valve if they refuse to respect your authority.

It sounds like the younger boy is someone you might be able to deal with... maybe it's the older boy that dad needs to bring up to speed on his options.  I have a deployment.  Your lack of effort and respect of my GF is getting ready to limit your options while I am gone.  You may need to arrange for your own housing.  Do you want to start being more sociable and amicable?  Or do you prefer to move out for the deployment?

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Here's some additional insight for you to consider.

The military REQUIRES all servicemembers to have a deployment plan, which includes LEGAL authority for things like care of minor children (including caregiver ID cards for access to installations for healthcare, etc.) real property, power of attorney, will, etc.  

Since SS16 has a mother, you cannot be named as authority over his care without her relinqueshing her parental rights.  Period. 

Your boyfriend has his head up his hind if he thinks he can leave his minor child with you without taking responsibilitiy for all this.  And he is stupid if he thinks he can leave a 19-year-old legal MAN under your roof without having any authority.  If SS19 refuses to do anything you ask there isn't going to be much his father can do it from afar.  

Parental responsibility lies with PARENTS.  Plans to take care of the minor son, and what to do with adult son, are between your BF and BM. 

Don't be conned into taking on this mess.  If you are stuck with responsibility and authority, you will also be LEGALLY stuck for whatever those SSs get into for 9 months.   Imagine SS16 gets a girl pregnant while under your authority - how will you answer that??  Or worse, SS16 gets into a significant car accident with life-threatening injuries and YOU will have to decide about his care.

nengooseus's picture

Yes, the military requires that you have a plan to care for dependents when you're deployable, but it's not binding.  For example, our BM is active duty.  She has a careplan in place that says that in her absence, the skids should go to her babysitter, I think.  We're not 100% sure, because it's not binding, so we don't need to see it.

Again, this is not OP's probem.  It's Dad's problem and Mom's problem.  They should figure out a solution.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Determining who has legal authority over minor children is indeed binding.  

When a deployment occurs, the servicemember must come up with a plan that is legal and includes the other parent of minor children unless they've been declared incompetent or have given up complete custody.  

If something happens during deployment, and God forbid a death, the children must be with people who have legal authority over them. 

I find it hard to believe any military JA would approve of a deployment plan with legally binding instruments saying that a babysitter will have complete custody of minor children should something go wrong.  

A care plan (in case of the need to work overtime or a couple of days in a row due to military mission/emergency) is not the same thing as the documentation/authorities required for a full-on deployment.

mro's picture

Or dual military couple has to have a Family Care Plan on standby.  Not just when they are about to deploy.   They have to have a guardian named, one who has agreed to care for the children during the deployment.   Surely he has deployed before. What did he do then?  If he has no one to take his kid then he should not be in the military.   It's unfortunate but he shouldn't be scrambling to make this decision now.  And I say this as a military reservist.  I resigned when I became a single parent  (I had put in my time) and signed back up when BS turned 18.  If you're in the military,  you will deploy.

Whether or not OP can be named Guardian during the deployment is irrelevant since she must consent and clearly does not want to. Since her partner has sole custody I believe this would be allowed, as long as the mother also consented.  Really this should have been put in writing during any period of active duty.

nengooseus's picture

DH and XH were both military, so I have seen well more deployments than I care to remember, and 9 months is *very* long.  But more important here is that you aren't these boys' mother.  You're not party to the court order and you have absolutely no real authority over them.

Your DH needs to find a better plan.

Harry's picture

BF be a single parent and be in the services.  Where does he think SK are going to live and who is taking care of them.  Your are not married.  You have no rights to thes kid. Medically, legually.  School.  One think to be able to pice up a kid at school. Another to be legually responsibly for them.  SO has to send kids to there Mother, who was good enought to make them. Or other family members.  You all can’t go with him ?  Not your kid and never will be remember that 

amyburemt's picture

This is a hard one. my dh was on a short deploy recently for 2 months and my sd16 and 2 bios were with me. my sd16 and her bf created all sorts of craziness and i told my dh never again. I would prob do it again though because biomom is cray cray and it would be worse for her to go there. but i told my dh if it happens again he needs to step up and lay down some law. I was literally in tears multiple times last time he was gone because of the shenanigans. 

mro's picture

What would he do if you weren't around? He would have to make other arrangements. What will happen if, God forbid, something happens to him while he is deployed? And what will happen to you? If you are not married, there will be no survivor benefits for you.  I believe you did say that he had left you his house in his will. There are other ways he can see you are looked after through life insurance policies. Has he discussed any of this with you? Since BM is not able to take care of the minor child, I hope he has made Financial arrangements for him.  Life insurance is super cheap for military people.

NobodyMom's picture

I was not around.  I guess he would have no choice but to send them to their mother or next of kin.  But me being here means they don't get uprooted.  After the divorce, the kids were uprooted to our state when he gained custody.  It was a difficult adjustment period for them. After many years they are settled and established here.   Going back to their BM would set them back again, at least it would for SS16.   He did leave me his house in his will.  He does have a trust for his kids.

justmakingthebest's picture

This is hard for me to comment on. DH is military and so is my exH (my kids dad). I know that the times my ExH deployed, visitation still went on at that house like normal- they have a 1/2 brother and they love Smom. So that just carried on. But they are more local- only 3 hrs away. 

DH will have a deployment soon. I know that SS18 (special needs) will stay with me. There is no question. It is going to be really hard becasue I count on DH to make sure that we have date nights and little weekends here and there to give me a break. That is something that won't happen when he deploys again. However, since SS18's mom is coo coo I would never in a million years send him to live with her. 

I think a 7 year relationship shows that you are in this for the long haul and that while none of us sign up to to become single steps, that is military life. Disrupting his school, shipping him away, dad deploying-- those are all major events that can really send him for a spiral. I think this is one of those you need to suck it up. I know that most don't agree but this kid didn't sign up for this life either.

Can BM take him for long school breaks, summer, etc? 

NobodyMom's picture

It's not about the kids not signing up for this life, we all get the life we got based on our parents. If I wasn't with DH, well DH is the one that signed up for this and brought those kids into this world along with his ex.  She won't do sh*t to help quite honestly.  I've already stepped up so much and got nothing but resentment for it.  She lives a 15 hour drive away (when she's not on the road with boyfriend) and DH usually meets half way for drop off.  I guess I could send them down in their own car (DH gave SS19 his old car to drive).  It would still completely suck for me to be stuck with kids who aren't thrilled about being stuck for 9 months with me either.  Thats just it, I take all the parental responsibility, make all the sacrifices, not their own mother.  honestly, I really resent this after taking so much crap over the years...and she gets to live carefee and be mother of the year for doing nothing for them but acting like their best friend and I am alwasy the one put out.

justmakingthebest's picture

Talk to your SO. Tell him your concerns.Honesty is always the best policy. Sometimes the truth hurts. 

No matter what choice is made, there will be levels of suckiness. 

still learning's picture

exH was military and we got uprooted approx every 2 years. Yes it kinda sucks for the kids but they learn to adjust and get on with life.  Skids have a mom and dad and you're not even legally a step parent. Dad will have to pay mom child support while he's deployed so they'll be fine and have enough money to live on.  

This is not your responsibility. 

sunshinex's picture

I wouldn't take responsibility here. 

When my DH was thinking of joining the border police, he'd need to leave for training for 16 weeks. I told him he'd have to send SD to BMs because quite honestly, I'm not interested in playing single mom to a child I didn't choose to bring into the world. I care about her, and I treat her as my own when we're under one roof as a family, but no way am I taking care of her alone for 16 weeks when she's got a mother who can step up. 

He didn't like my response, but there was just no way I was doing it.