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Last Min Plans with BM

Dogmom1321's picture

We have had SD10 since school was out 12/21. We were supposed to exchange on Christmas Day at noon. BM texted Christmas Eve and said she was "working" Christmas Day (she's a nurse).  SD called BM on Christmas.They wished each other Merry Christmas and that was it. BM then texted DH after the call, that should would be "out of town" until SD has to go back to school (January 5th). We are remote now, so school can be done anywhere, but whatever. So she asked DH if she could just stay with us for the rest of the holiday break. He said sure. 

SD came downstairs today "When is it going to be Friday?"

DH: "Yesterday was Friday, why?"

SD: "When can I go to my mom's?"

DH: "She has plans to go out of town, so you'll stay here with us."

SD: "Omg, seriously?! Another whole week here?!" 

DH: "Hey, your BM is the one with the plans, don't get mad at me. I know it's soooo terrible here for you." 

He shouldn't have been sarcastic, but I get where he is coming from. He spoils the sh!t out of her (material wise) and she is totally ungrateful. Also, how rude of that to say infront of your DH and SM?

Anyway, I guess my question is: Why is SD so blinded by BM? SHE was the one who made plans to not use her custody time or see her daughter over Christmas. DH was merely the messenger. But HE is the one that catches grief for having her "one more week"?? SD never blames her Mom or looks to her as the cause/reasoning behind things. She can do no wrong. Has she been brainwashed? Is it that since SD10 is a carbon copy of BM, they will just always be two peas in a pod? Her BM treats her like sh!t but SD continues to idolize her. It sounds seriously unhealthy. We are pretty sure BM has BPD, so I'm sure she portrays a "grandiose" image of herself to her daughter. Ugh, so frustrating. 

Anyway, MY parents are coming to visit tomorrow to exchange gifts. I already let them know SD will be here, but is in a p!ssy mood. Hoping she won't ruin their visit! 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

She can act ungrateful and spoiled with DH, and he has proven that he won't leave her. BM, however, doesn't seem to care about seeing SD. SD probably thinks if she is good enough, praises her enough, believes in her enough, etc that BM will magically care. It's the same ploy that Disney parents use out of the same fear that their kids won't ever see them or love them unless they behave a certain way.

Basically, your DH gives unconditional love. BM seemingly gives conditional. Only problem is that SD thinks the conditions have to do with her, and not just BM being selfish.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this. Deep down inside, kids believe that they are the reason their parent is not around, that if they were lovable, their parent would love them more. Kids are naturally self-centered that way. And they fear losing them because their attachment is insecure, so they buy all the excuses and lies because the alternative is to see that they don't really have a loving mother at all, which is very painful.

Dogmom1321's picture

Okay, that makes sense. Yes, SD doesn't see that BM is in the "honeymoon phase" with her new BF. That this is a cycle and as soon as this one leaves, she will go back to being the bitter, vengeful, person that she is. Her BM is very selfish and self centered, we think because of BPD, but instead of seeing THAT SD just thinks her Dad wants to "keep her here" another week. Like it's his choice or something... I guess he is just someone for her to blame for her BMs mistakes. 

Sandybeaches's picture

that is so true!! When my son got older he even told me that.  He said he can say what he feels and get mad and show his true feelings with me not his dad because he knows he can.  

CajunMom's picture

If you haven't read StepMonster by Wednesday Martin, I'd strongly suggest you put that on your "to do" list. There is a chapter in the book that covers the science behind this behavior, that of the Mother of the Year syndrome, regardless of what a BM does. It's a bit dry and harder to read than the other chapters, but it really opened my eyes to the power we Moms have over our kids. It helped me greatly in steering my kids to properly love their dad, bonus dad and mom after I read it. 

Rags's picture

This kid needs to have her nose rubbed in the facts of he BM's crap.   Neither of the. Will gain clarity until they have no choice but to have their faces planted in the facts.