Should my DH set boundaries with BM?
DH and BM has been always in good terms, they’re friendly to each other and they’re both great parents, DH respects BM and always gives her credit for the type of parenting she’s doing, the kids are good in general (9 and 7), they do great in school, etc. I am not that involved in their lives since I prefer it that way. They come over my place on alternate weekends and we all get along (I have a 10 yo daughter from a previos relationship and me and DH have a baby together). I don’t go to sport events, birthday parties or anything like that, I leave all that to DH and BM, I obviously acknowledge the kids on their bdays, Christmas etc, and we’re all ok with that. I don’t communicate with BM, we are civil, if I see her I just wave, nod or smile.
But there is something thats been bothering me for some reason, and I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong for feeling this way. I’m not jealous of BM, I know she doesn’t want him back and he doesn’t want her back either, I think she’s with someone (not sure if they still together), but sometimes I feel I’m sharing my man with her, he pays child support every week, but always give her extra money for whatever reason (holidays, her car broke down, or get her a bday present), she calls him to fix stuff in her house or in the “kids room”. He never says no to her, he’s also lent her car twice when his cars broken down. I don’t even like when he talks to her on the phone, most of the times is strictly about the kids, but in few other occasions the convo leads to other topics not kids related and they can be on the phone for up to 1hr, she’s also asked him for relationship advice, I think she broke up with her boyfriend and they were trying to work things out to get back together, and she asked my DH for some advice (I know this because he told me) I’m not worried about anything sexual going on between them, I just feel like she’s too much involved in his life and I can’t handle that. We’ve spoken about this already but his answer is “if I help her I’m helping my kids”, “if she struggles my kids will too”, she doesn’t have anyone to rely on if she needs help, so she kind of relies on him.
My relationship with my daughter’s dad is completely different (he was abusive) so after being in court for 3 years he can see her every other weekend and we only text each other for pick up/drop off place and time.
Not sure if I should bring this up again or just suck it up ? Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone been in this situation?
This is enmeshment and even
This is enmeshment and even if he is adamant that he is over his ex, his behavior doesn't show that. You can have a healthy co-parenting relationship and not need to be this involved. I bet if he set boundaries like no extra $$, no borrowing the car, no lengthy phone calls, you would see her attitude and behavior change toward him. I think he needs to set boundaries in order for his relationship with you to work.
My SO was very enmeshed with
My SO was very enmeshed with BM2 when we first started dating. When he set boundaries (reasonable ones like don't just walk into his house without knocking and start using the kitchen), she completely changed. Drunk crying phone calls, false accusations and ex-partes to get more custody and CS....it was like the exorcist. BMs are really sweet when they have everything they want.
If a head spinning green pea soup projectile vomiting BM who is
usually a satan possessed succubus starts being sweet, RUN!!!!!
Or at least stock up on Holy water, crucifixes, garlic necklaces, silver bullets, wooden stakes, and a rolled up weighted spikey copy of the CO to beat her to a pulp with (figuratively of course).
I think this is exactly what
I think this is exactly what he's scared of, he knows she will change and the drama will start. I remember when we started dating he told me that there won't be any baby mama drama with him because he got everything "under control", now I know why.
Sounds like BM is the one who
Sounds like BM is the one who has him under control.
Lol. Exactly.
Lol. Exactly.
They get along great and
They get along great and coparent well. The kids are doing well. They are good friends and he helps her out whenever he can, with whatever he can. They are happy with the arrangement. That's awesome! For them. How lovely for them. For someone trying to be in a relationship with one of them - not so much. I don't think many people could be happy with someone who was so enmeshed with their ex. If you didn't have a baby with the guy i might say leave, it's not going to change unless they want it to change. Since you do have a baby with the guy, i would recommend couples' counseling to help try to set boundaries. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being unreasonable. And I think that CastleJJ is right about the relationship changing if he starts setting boundaries. It's one thing to support her in a general way for the kids' sake, it's another thing to be her go-to person for everything. And buying her birthday presents and giving her extra money? Nope. Would your DH consider marriage counseling? It sounds like he thinks he's doing the right thing and he's unlikely to see it from your perspective. He's probably telling himself that he's "caught" in the middle and you need someone else to clarify for him that your feelings are valid and justified.
The dynamic won’t change
Yh I don't think he will ever see it from my perspective, I know he means well and he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's not willing to change the dynamic because he doesn't see anything wrong with that, and things have been this way before I came along. I found out about the bday present because one of the kids disclosed it during a dinner at my MILs, he never told me about it. My MIL never liked her, she thinks she's intrusive and she just doesn't like her in general I don't really know why but that's just her opinion. I've never had a personal issue with her.
I also feel like I can't complain because he's never neglected us, he supports us as well, and includes my daughter in everything we do.
But i feel disrespected sometimes, they don't think about how I feel, I know she obviously doesn't give a f.. about me and the fact that she thinks she can reach to him at any time makes me resent them, and specially him because he doesn't do or say anything to her. She called him once at 3am whilst she was partying saying that some random guy approached her asking if she was DH's BM, she told him she was worried that a guy she doesn't know was asking about him and the kids. I've told him I felt disrespected and he apologised, but I'm sure he never told her anything about it
If BM is calling at 3 am
If BM is calling at 3 am because some drunk guy approached her at a party, that is not concern about DH and the kids... That is a ploy for attention to see if it upsets DH or not that BM has male attention.
A healthy co-parenting relationship wouldn't involve any of this. If BM reached out at 3 am, a child better be in the ER or dying, otherwise, that call is going to voicemail and can be looked at in the morning.
If DH doesn't have enough respect for you to put an end to these games, then he is either not over BM or he is too scared of her to disrupt the current dysfunctional dynamic.
This is exactly what I've
This is exactly what I've told him, the very first thing I've asked him was "were the kids in danger?" he said no, so I told him there was no reason for her to call at them times, but he just don't want to understand, he doesn't register it in his head, it's so frustrating.
I think he's more scared of her changing the arrangements if says something that might bother her
No, you are NOT being at all
No, you are NOT being at all unreasonable. Yes, DH must set boundaries and you definately should tell DH what those boundaries are since he is apparently blind to his lack of balls. Either he communicates and enforces them with his XW, our you should. And DH nor BM will like it if he does not man up, find his testicular fortitude, and put his XW in her place.. and keep her there.
I call BS on your DH for his "perspective that helping (XW) is helping my kids." Nope. It is facilitating XWs failure. He is not her BFF, her shoulder to cry on, or her partner. She is his past, he is hers. Nothing more.
Yes, they had children together. However, they no longer have children together. They each have children that they are responsible for within the context of their role as a mother... and a father under the structure of a CO. Not as spouses.
Boundaries are important.That said, I admire your DH for his calm coparenting with his XW, while I have little respect for him in how he allows his failed marriage to impact his wife. I am frustrated for you. If they were BFFs, why did they divorce?
IMHO, your DH is allowing his past marriage to interfere in your life and marriage far beyond what is appropriate to coparent their failed family progeny under the structure of a CO. Not one Cent more than what is COd for CS. She can pay to fix her own car, she can support herself and half of the costs to support her children, and effectively and intelligently utilize the money DH pays her to care for his kids. He pays her to care for his kids AND he is her beck and call boy/rescue bitch. Really?
I agree with your MIL btw.
IMHO, both DH and his XW are overstepping and adversely effecting your life and the lives of all fo the kids in the mix.
Take care of you.
My DH had that kind of a
My DH had that kind of a relationship with BM when I first met him. He didn't give her extra money, but he celebrated her birthday, went on a "failed family" mini vacation with her "for the kids," hung out with her at kid events and did husbandly stuff for her (like fixing things and moving furniture - even though she had a father, a couple brothers and a boyfriend she could have asked). Luckily I saw all of this before we were married and issued an ultimatum I was prepared to follow through on. He could have an enmeshed relationship with the ex-wife who dumped him, or he could have me - he didn't get to have both. So he set the boundaries and he's kept them. BM continued to be a good co-parent. What you want is completely reasonable. If he can't erect these boundaries, he has no business being in a marriage with you.
Not sure if an ultimatum
Not sure if an ultimatum would work, he's so stubborn and he just doesn't listen when it comes to anything related to his children and anything that could potentially impact his relationship with them. He says she's not even high conflict and that I should be mature enough to accept it (I'm 32 he's 42), i feel trapped, the arrangements wont change but I don't want to leave him either
Tell him you didn't sign up
Tell him you didn't sign up to be a mere sister-wife.
If you're not willing to
If you're not willing to leave, and he's not willing to change anything, then I would suggest therapy for you, to help you learn to cope with the situation.
No ultimatum. Just stop doing anything for him or his failed
family members.
Nothing.
He pays the bills, cooks, cleans, etc.... When he walks in, tell him to make dinner, etc..
When his light bulb goes off, tell him this is his new life until he gets his failed family drama under control.
Do nothing.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If the "ultimatum"
is you need to choose me over your ex-wife, and you are pretty convinced he would chose her... I hate to break it you, but that is a really big problem in your relationship with your partner.
Why are you the one who has
Why are you the one who has to accept a crappy arrangement? Why is he asking you to play second fiddle to BM and his FAILED relationship with her? How much longer can he be her man and yours?
Everytime he gives extra money that way , you get double the amount. Don't the be the happy little wife everytime he rescues her, find something better to do when he returns and cut him off in the bedroom when he forgets who wife is. When you got married , you both vowed to forsake others. You should be his main priority. The skids are his responsibility and that baggage that comes with them should not take precedent over his marriage with you. I found a taste of life without me was the 2x4 upside the head the cleared up my DH's confusion over that.
He is a cake eater, he wants life easy, but this is wrong. It's tearing you up, just like it has for many of us around here thru the years. He needs clarity. It does come down to : her or me, you can't serve both.
Some of it I get a little bit
Some of it I get a little bit. I mean.. she has the kids full time.. and with kids there can be extra stuff that comes up.. not sure what amount of CS there is.. but there could be some things that are outside of that. .extra curricular activities that are legit extras.
I can see him lending her a car a couple of times.. especially if it is so that she can manage to get the kids places.. and even doing a handyman job.. if he feels like the alternative is she will have her hand out for more money and it's cheaper and easy for him to fix something.. I'm actually not hugely having a problem with that.
The things that would be going further than I want would be hour long phone calls.. even about the kids.. that seems excessive. Also.. attending parties and doing holidays with his EX.. he needs to be celebrating those separately with his kids. Sure.. some events.. a sports game. graduation.. are held at a single time.. but you can take your kid out for lunch or get them a cake to celebrate.. you don't need to practice happy family.
Unfortunately.. since you have already had a child with him.. your a bit more tied in and can't give him an ultimatum as easily.. and I gues that's where you have to start with what you really want. maybe some improvement.. but not an all out cut off of what is happening works? Maybe he needs to run extra expenses from "your budget".. maybe he needs to start backing off the parties with her? maybe you need to tell him the marathon calls are a no go.. but the occasional favor.. maybe if it greases wheels you can live with it?
Yes, she has the kids full
Yes, she has the kids full time but he also spends extra time with them during the week, they live just around the corner from my house. He takes them football, he takes them to get their hair cut and pays for it as well, gets them school stuff, pays for school meals, she went on holidays last year with her boyfriend and we had the kids whilst she was away and he still paid her CS during those weeks so "she could have some extra money", and he says the same as you, she has them full time and take care of them so why not, he says that as along as he's still providing for us I should not have an issue with that because it's his money and he works hard for it.
And sorry, with the car I meant he borrowed her car, his car broke down last week and he arranged with her to go and pick it up so he could go to work that night, he never consults me about whatever arrangements they do, he thinks there is no need to.
In one occasion She called him to tell him the kids needed a new chest of drawers and he got it, he also went there to build it, I don't know if she asked him to but I remember when we got our baby's furniture I built them all by myself whilst heavily pregnant, I didn't ask him to do it for me because I knew I could do it, it was not a big deal so I think she could've dealt with that herself.
Re the car.. the favors maybe
Re the car.. the favors maybe go both ways then?
I'm sure he appreciates the fluid relationship when the kids are able to see him more (you would want to see your own child more than just 2 weekends a month too right? i do get that part of it).
I'm not even that mad that he continued to pay CS.. even if he had the kids for a few weeks.. because legally.. that's how it usually works.
It does sound like he maybe contributes more on the high side.. but where exactly do you need him to draw the line? building dresser? I mean.. you could do it.. and you did it without asking or telling him..you just did. She may not think she is capable?
I would have more of an issue of them celebrating holidays and such together.
I would not have joint finances if he is going to be sending a large part of his voluntarily outside the house.
I would start pushing back when he does things like want to talk on the phone for hours.
I would also be making sure you and your child aren't feeling like you don't get a full measure of his attention and resources. when his actions start reducing the quality of life for you? that's when you really need to put a foot down.
People except things in different relationships
HE DOESNT WANT TO HURT ANYONE But he's hurting you...
Some people have this type of relationship. Unfortunately or fortunately I am not one of those people. When two people decide to divorce.[there choice] that relationship ends. IMHO once lovers always lovers. You can not go back to being friends. So no phone calls. Expecially today, everything in text everything has a record.
Sports. Yes there both there, but that doesn't mean they have to sit together and play happy family.
He should be going over to her house. He should not be giving her exter money. Unless you are so riches it doesn't matter. Shouldn't be talking on the phone.
'When I first got together with my SO she took the kids to there father house and stayed there. With the kids. I said, No you don't do things like that. You can do it but,, without me in the picture. If he wants to see his kids then he picked them up. And actually does something with them.
'Your SO may not be ready for a new relationship. He must care and provide for you more then the EX. The EX is the type that always going to have problems. Always have car problems, money problems, house problems.. he already paying support and there is going to be exter. School projects, sports, medical things what going to take exter money. But bring the money well for the ex is a no,no.
'I would never work and support someone ex. Bad enough I was support his kids. Not going to support him.
Think by law
You pay CS each week unless court tells you not to. Her going away and leaving the kids with you ..you still have to pay CS. You did not have to take the kids. She could of payed someone else to take care of the kids on her dime
Just an update, I've spoken
Just an update, I've spoken to him again, he's very predictable so I knew how this was going to end up, he got really mad and shut me down straight away. He said, him giving her money should not affect me because he gives me money every week as well, which is true, he also said that if I feel threatened by her then "good look to me" and that he's not the man for me, basically he told me I'm not being reasonable and that he's a grown arse man and he does whatever he wants, and that even his mum can't tell him what to do.and that I'll have to live with that or leave because I'm the issue
Have you suggested couples
Have you suggested couples counselling to him yet? There's a massive elephant in the room - how long does he think he can ignore it? Ot dores he want to jump straight to paying CS to two different homes? And why did he bring his mother into this?
Honestly, nothing is going to change until you can both sit down together and talk without either of you getting angry - that's the advantage of having a neutral 3rd person (counsellor) there.
By the way, why did they divorce? How long were they married? Who thought it would be a good idea to live so close together? I'd be willing to bet that if access wasn't so easy, half of this wouldn't be happening.
A lot of info missing here.
A lot of info missing here. Does he have a *legal* custody and CS agreement with BM? Does BM work and have her own income? Are you married and living with your SO? Do you have a source of income? Does your older child's father pay child support? You say your DH "gives you money" every week. Since you have a baby with this guy, these are things that factor into how dependent you are on him and how your situation would be if you leave. In the US, it's my understanding that the first BM to file legal custody papers typically gets the most CS. Idk how it is where you live. It sounds like your "dear" husband is unwilling to change anything at all or be a true equity life partner to you. Since that's the case, you need to figure out how to benefit as much as you can from your situation, whether that involves staying or leaving.
They were never married, they
They were never married, they've made their own arrangements so there are no legal arrangements at all (we're based in the UK) she does work and also gets help from government (rent, house), this is how she ended up living near me, the government gave her a place just down the road. I also have my own income, it's not too much but it covers the basic stuff, we're married and we live together although he's got his own place somewhere else and he rents it out. My older child's dad does pay CS, and there are legal arrangements in place for both, custody and CS.
If DH is willing to give you
If DH is willing to give you an ultimatum, then it is clear he will never set boundaries with his ex and you will always be second. If you cannot handle dealing with this toxic, dysfunctional enmeshment (which no one would blame you), I suggest you follow through on his ultimatum and leave. It isn't fair for you that he can do whatever he wants in terms of his ex and you have to just live with it.
Yep, he was very cl
Yep, he was very clear and he even said that he won't ever put me before his kids, which I understand to a certain degree, to me that also means she will come first because she lives with them full time, I've told him this and he just didn't want to talk anymore and said I didn't know what I was talking about
He's seriously messed up. He
He's seriously messed up. He has idea about spousal respect. He had no business getting married.
The "never before the kids"
The "never before the kids" is BS. I actually told my DH before we got married that i understood his kids would always come first.. and he corrected ME.. and said.. NO.. I would be a priority too.
The reality is that his children are his primary RESPONSIBILITY. He is legally, morally obligated to ensure they are cared for and raised up to adults. BUT.. they are not always the priority.. in all households.. sometimes there are different priorities.. sometimes not everyone can have what they want.. and there are compromises.. give and take.. and it is NOT fair if you always are on the down side of that.
His EX is not his responsiblilty.. or his priority.. He has a responsibility to pay her CS.. and that may take priority over some other spending of his... over taking you out to dinner for example..if he is tight on funds.. their NEEDS come before your WANTS.. that's how priorities work.. and his responsibility to their wellbeing trumps your want to go out to eat.
I have a question about the
I have a question about the Birthday gift money.. was that a gift to HER .. or was it money given to his minor children so they could buy their mom a present for her birthday? the former.. nope.. the latter.. I can see how he could do that for his kids.
It was actually a pair of
It was actually a pair of trainers, the child even disclosed the price, and my MIL was surprised about it, she went to speak to him in the kitchen (he wasn't present when this happened) and he shut her down straight away (he told me this himself and also my MIL) she told him she should not get involved in his relationship with me and with BM because he's a grown man
It's weird for a guy to buy
It's weird for a guy to buy his EX a pair of shoes. It is not weird for a guy to give money or help his minor children buy a present for their mom's birthday.
I will say.. he seems to be awfully resistant to anyone and everyone telling him what he should be doing.
Maybe why she didn't want to be in a relationship.. his rigidity.
I would tell him that you understand obligations to his kids.. and you get that having a decent relationship with the EX helps his kids.. but he is NO LONGER in a relationship with her.. and him giving HER money (edit to clarify.. beyond ordered CS and stipulated other obligations like Extra curricular sports.. or medical costs..etc).. is not ok.. he is supposed to be married to you.. and sending resources outside the home ultimately WILL iimpact you both.. for retirement.. for future education needs for a joint child.. for vacations..etc..
"Kids always come first"
"Kids always come first" attitude is how you get people with lots of failed relationships and multiple kids in multiple broken homes.
Wow. This guy doesn't
Wow. This guy doesn't understand how marriage works, does he? He shouldn't be in a serious relationship, because he has no idea how to treat a partner. Kids are a primary responsibility, but they should not always be the first priority. If he doesn't see that, I predict he'll be very lonely when his kids are adults and move on to prioritize their own families over him, and he has no partner because no woman in her right mind would be willing to always be back burnered behind his kids and his ex.
I find a lot of similarities with your situation
I'm pretty much 100% there is not any romantic thing going on between my wife and her ex. They have been apart for 9 years now, 6 of which was before I even came in the picture... He is in a new long term relationship...
But I still find myself really annoyed with a lot of situations and question if I'm just too sensitive quite a bit or why it bothers me so much... He was unemployed at 36 when they seperated, and so pays $0 towards anything related to their kid... He takes bare minimum parenting role- 15% overnights (which he actually shows up for about 80% of the time.)
Anyway, it's always her strong opinion that it's very important for him to be in their sons lives, and its her role to facilitate that becuase he's chosen not to step up... So she will buy them tickets to NBA games to go together. Or to amusement parks, arcades. Or once, when she went on a sabbatical, she bought him round trip airfare to Italy, and a place to stay with their kid for 1 week of it so he wouldn't miss his parenting time/their son could spend time with his dad... She also used the week to do stuff she wouldn't have been able to with her son there (the 3 of them weren't together, I was acutally with her that week)...
She was in counseling with him for 4 or 5 weeks last year trying to get him coaching to sincerely apologize to their son (for abondoning him at our home for 4 days when he was supposed to be watching him while we were out of town), who had started refusing to go to his house for his visits (for something that was compeltely his fault...)
She is fairly introverted in genereal, and it's clear that the 3 people she corresponds with most often in life (outside of work) are me, her son, and this dude... It's not a ton, but it is multiple times per week about some arrangements, or something that happened to their kid...
It's a werid spot for me, that confuses me a lot of the time. While I don't think there is any romantic relationship, I also really don't like your "friend" at all. He is a complete clown show as a "dad", and you still treat him as your dependent 9 years after your divorce.
It's a thing we don't really agree on, i believe she views what she does as sort of heroic, or at least like going above and beyond to foster this relationship for her son with his dad, and I view it as pretty obviously enabling this guy to never grow up. Probably both view have some truth to them- this stuff can be hard!
This is the guy who smashed
This is the guy who smashed the door in your home, right? He ever pay for it?
Yes he is that guy...
He did pay for a contractor to come and fix the door... the contractor (business called Mr Honey Doo) said "it would be good as new". It broke again about 2-weeks later were it was patched and we replaced the door without mentioning it to him...
Newest drama from last week... their kid gets in-school suspension for being disruptive in class, then calling his teacher expletive names for seperating him from the class... Dad flips the fuck out, screams that his kid is a delinquent needs to go to military school immediately. Screams and yells at my wife, calls her a failure, says she is a horrible parent etc etc...
Wife hard cries for close to an hour that night afterward... He has now skipped all his parenting time since, and actually had skipped his weekend the weekend before kid got in trouble on Monday at school... She is now working with "our" couples therapist to get him + son into counseling with her again
I brought up in our counseling last week, I think its fucked up that she sees it as her responsibility to talk him off the ledge, to arrange for him to receive counseling, and to take verbal abuse from him as part of just "the plan" for how co-parenting works... Therapist shot me down pretty hard and said we (I) need to focus on me/her, not outside relationships... Doesn't this setup carry over and effect that?
Oh well... what are you going do?
Lol he expresses his
Lol he expresses his displeasure at his son's tantrum by throwing another tantrum. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far. I would draw the line at former couples' therapy, even if the goal is to prop this loser up and have him "parent" more. The less "parenting" this guy does, the better imo.
I'm curious about what is
I'm curious about what is going to happen when the kids turn 18 and beyond. Will he still be giving her $$ and running over to her place to do things for her? Talking to her on the phone? Will they still come first? Will they still come first when they marry and put THEIR spouse first?
If it looks like this chumminess and forking over of gifts and extra cash will end when the kids go away to college/move on with their lives...that's one thing. I'm just wondering if it will ever end. Old habits die hard.
Another weird thing is that his ex has zero interaction with you, besides a nod/wave hello. Uhm...yeah I don't know...maybe a "THANK YOU for letting me borrow your husband to do x, y and z for me" every once in a while would be nice.
Your MIL is a smart woman. She doesn't like the BM for good reasons.
When you get married
You don't do anything you want. You agree to do things together. He should not be married. If he thinks that way. He think gassing other woman is ok. You can fool around with other men, that's ok? You are doing what you want. NO.
'HIS KIDS NEEDS ines before you,, not his kids come before you. They must have food , place live, clothing, medical ,, Like thing that CS covers.. his kids do not need your SO playing " happy family" with there mother his ex.
Your SO must decide weather he should get back together with the ex [she most likely don't want that] or be a proper husband to you. It's fun playing both of you against each other. But you are not happy '
i would not be happy, I would not want to live my life being second or third or what ever where you fit in.
You are married,,his money is your money. ....He doesn't give you money..its yours,...he gives her money ..your money..
'My DW used to say thing like that. One day I said you have every credit card there is. Just charge it .. stop complaining..
They've been separated for 6
They've been separated for 6 years so no, they don't want to get back together. He left her and I think all this is because he feels guilty so he overcompensates, we've had this discussion as well and he says its not guilty, it's just him being a responsible dad and being actively involved in his kids life
He can be a responsible dad
He can be a responsible dad who is actively involved in his kids' life without being enmeshed with their mother. Seriously, how does he think it's OK for him to behave like this when he is clearly upsetting you. Does he have no consideration for your feelings?
Why can't he understand that you're not happy with him rushing off to help the woman he used to fuck ... who also happens to live nearby? I totally get that they don't intend to get back together again but that doesn't mean they don't have a FWB arrangement, right? He could very well be having his cake AND eating it.
Even if they are totally above board, there can only be one wife in a monogamous marriage and he spoke his vows to you, not her - wasn't there a bit about forsaking all others? Or was he not serious about his vows?
He’s is enmeshed with the Ex
He doesn't want to get back together, but she rules your life, she has control over your time and money. She comes before you.
He is not going to change. He has the best of both worlds. It's up to you to either stay and put up with the disrespect or to go. I personally could not live this way.