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Really need some feedback on this - Am I making something out of nothing?

confusedmomof3's picture

Ok, here's the dynamics:

married 3 years

2 ss's ages 11 & 13

1 bio daughter age 9

We have matching shared parenting - meaning I have my daughter the same week he has his sons.

DH decided to sign ss13 up for 2 basketball camps, 1 basketball tounament bracket and 1 weekend camp all for the month of June.

He then decided to sign ss13 and ss11 up for fall football. And ss13 is trying out for the basketball team.

No issues with the kids wanting to do sports. I think sports are a great thing.

HOWEVER.. he had several conversations with his boys regarding all of these extracirriculars and not one sit down, go over the paperwork, discuss the time committments, schedules, conversation with me. Not one. I hear about all this second hand in May. He doesn't even talk to bio mom about it until he has already talked to the kids about it. She finds out when he emails her and tells her about the financial obligation on her part. (yes, she was pissed)

My issue is this - I think he should have talked to me about his plans/intentions first or at/about the same timeframe as he had these discussions with his kids. I should have been included in this. Especially since it will surely become my responsibility to provide transportation, support, you know - normal parental obligations.

He doesn't see anything wrong with this. I see it as him only thinking about himself and taking care of his own as if I am not even in the picture. When you are in a blended family you discuss things to do with the family and this has to do with the family, right?

Also, my daughter does fall soccer - she has games and practices too. How is all of that going to play out?

I'm pissed.. football conditioning has already started and I have no clue how many weeks it is, when the regular season starts or when the games are. NOTHING. And we have a 2nd kid going to play and do camp - I have no clue about the details of this either...

Am I wrong to be pissed? I mean, you can't just go off on your own and start signing your kids up for everything you please without communicating with your spouse about the committment for the family, right?

3familiesIn1's picture

Well, you can change your assumption, hey DH, i assumed since you booked all of this without consulting me that you are able to get them to and from all of these events.

Dh wants to sign SS up for all sorts of things too - my bios are signed up for some things - SS has a mom and a dad and they are more than welcome to take him. DH wants to sign him up but not take him. BM also wants him signed up but for someone else to take him. Call me mean but not my kid, not my responsibility - at least on that one - everytime DH brings it up i say, yes, i think SS will like that, I am sure BM can make time to take him and drop him off afterward. Dh always looks crushed but I am not getting sucked into that duty on top of the ones I foolishly got myself sucked into already.

I have 2 of my own kids to raise. I am sorry if BM and DH don't want to raise their own 2 - that is not my fault.

Orange County Ca's picture

Of course you should have been consulted. He considers you as a workhorse not as one of a team. Obviously in the same category as his first. This is the first time something like this has come up I assume. I'm sure he's well aware of your feelings by now so go along with the program. But tell him that you'll not be taken for granted again and if any activity he signs up for he better have transportation arranged. Either by checking with you or some other source.

smartone's picture

I'm kinda on the fence about this one, mostly because there are a lot of questions that I have. Did the boys do these things last year? If he had asked you about it, what would you have said? If the boys are pretty active and this is normal, that you are available and would (obviously in his mind) bring them to their activities, he probably assumed you would be okay taking them, etc. and he could worry about the details later. Sometimes men just don't think. It is rude, but he is probably under the impression that you will just go with the flow like you probably usually do. Just make sure your daughter is taken care of, and if it turns out there is a conflict let dh know that he needs to make some other arrangements for his son(s) on those days. And if you don't want to commit to doing this kind of schedule next year, tell him now.

confusedmomof3's picture

Nope. They weren't signed up for any of this last year. SK13 tried out for the basketball team, but didn't make it, so his dad found him a league to play on. Of course, this was never discussed either. I kind of figured he would find him a team, but hoped he would at least tell me the details before he signed him up. You know, here's the times for practice and this many games till this month..

It wasn't that big of a deal because just one kid was in sports. Now we have 3 kids in sports; two in football which is intense with practices every day for several hours over the next few months, you have to work at the games concession stands for a certain number of games, etc., one kid in basketball (or at least trying out for the team) and another in soccer. It's a lot.

I know he is guilty of "just being a guy" and it's not that I'm all that pissed about that aspect. It's that when I approached him about "hey, going forward for planning and communication (and family sanity) purposes, can we please just talk about this first?" he got so defensive and acted like I was trying to butt in where I shouldn't. If we are truly a BLENDED family we need to be BLENDED in all areas, not just when and where it suits him. He acted as if it was such an imposition to sit down and have a conversation about what he had in mind for "his boys".. I mean really? "His boys".. what about "OUR FAMILY".......?

B22S22's picture

"he got so defensive and acted like I was trying to butt in where I shouldn't"

This right here would tell me everything I'd need to know. If he's acting like you're butting in, then no way no how should it be assumed that you will be any part of the transportation, working at the concessions, etc. Is HE willing to take time off of work/out of HIS day to transport your child, attend games, etc? I'm guessing not, and that he probably has determined that's your responsibility.

And who loses out when all three have to be in different places at the same time??

confusedmomof3's picture

"he got so defensive and acted like I was trying to butt in where I shouldn't"

And that's sugar coating it. There was a HUGE blow up.. HUGE.

"I'll enroll my boys in whatever I want and you'll know when I tell you".. Yep, that's how it was said to me about how he will communicate regarding his boys from now on.. F*ck that.

I am beyond pissed.. I am livid. It's bullshit. Clear and absolute.

I won't take them to anything. I won't attend their games. I won't even buy Gatorade for them at the store. Nope. Sounds petty, but I refuse to "buy in" to something that I was not included in from the beginning, nor was my wanting to be included in even cared about. It was met with a callous defensiveness that was hurtful.

You see, all I asked for was to be a part of something that involved our family - to be a part of it from the start. That was too much. Ok. Well, since just having a discussion is too much.. then the actions pertaining to that discussion are too much now too.

Sorry.. he made his bed.. time to lay in it.

JEEMudder's picture

You are right to be angry. As a part of a blended family, the only way we have survived thus far is by discussing every single tiny little decision to death.

If this is a first time offense, take your stand and don't falter. Set a precendence for the future, and ensure he knows this is unacceptable. If this happens often, than you need to put a stop to it once and for all.

A blended family should be just that! Blended. Not His family and Your family living together. That's not a family, that's roomates.

OMG_Why_Me's picture

There would be NO WAY I would transport his kids for any of these sporting activities. if he doesn't have the consideration to talk with you about his expectations for your contributions with this, I wouldn't have the consideration to offer any help or accept any requests after the fact. sorry're on your own!