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Our new life and the EX wife

Jan's picture

First I want to thank anyone and everyone who reads this. This is the most difficult situation I my self have ever had to deal with. But here goes! I met a man 19 months ago, he was going through a nasty divorce at the time. He has 3 children and I have 3 children, all of which their ages are mine being 17, 12, and 5. His being 10, 7 and 5. We have been together through the entire process of his divorce and let me tell you its been one hell of a roller coater ride, because of the EX and all her immature Bullsh**. We decided to move in with each other this past august of 2005. His divorce was final in november of 2005. He has joint custody of his children and has them every other week, so we see them alot, which is a good thing. His children are very comfortable with my children, and they just adore me to pieces, well lets just say when their mother isnt around. This is where all the bad stuff comes in. I do not like her and she does not care for me either, she basically poisons the kids minds about me and my children, to the point where they feel uncomfortable even talking to me when she is around such as at school functions, or sports games etc...She sends nasty emails to my BF telling him that he isnt taking care of the children the way he should be, when he does every thing for his kids, he provides for them medically, sports,tutoring, clothing, shoes you name it, he does it, AND he pays her full amount of child support and she doesnt even have them 2 weeks out of the month, plus she DOESN"T work. Recently I made a comment in a public place about how their one child always has bruises and such whenever I see him, well a parent that knows his mother went back and told her what I said, so her BF tells me that he would appreciate it if I dont bad mouth the kids mom,(this was a horrible conversation) this really irritated me since I am always having to deal with false accusations from this woman about my children along with jealousy etc....I feel so bad for the children, and I really love the kids like they were my own, they are very close to me as well, like I said though when she isnt witnessing it, what do I do about her behavior and what she tells the children about me, its bothering me alot and its causing issues with my relationship, I feel like leaving my BF just to get away from all this stupid nonsense sh**, but I know thats what she wants, she doesnt want him, she just wants him to be miserable and alone, but if I stay I feel like I have 13 years to go before it gets better. it has gotten to the point after her rude emails about me and my children etc.. that i have tld her to never speak to me again, and she even told the children that, she said dads GF doesnt like me, so now they ask me why I am mean to their mom. I am so torn and stuck its horrible, and sad, for everyone, all because of one immature parent, well if thats what you want to call her. And for the record, I was NOT the reason of their divorce, she left him for someone else. Please help with any advice, if I need to elaborate a little more for better undersdtanding, I can do that too. Thanks everyone!!!! Smile

Dawn-Moderator's picture


Some of the things that you said sound very familiar to me. I however, don't have any kids of my own and I don't know if I would have been able to survive in the relationship if the evilness was directed at my children.

My stepson's mother hates me too. She says a lot of bad things about me to my stepson. He is always more standoffish with me and his father when his mother is around. She always tries to undermine my relationship with my stepson. I think I posted previously about how last Mother's Day, she told my stepson that he shouldn't have gotten me a present because "Dawn" is not your real mother so she doesn't deserve a present. Unfortunately, all of the bad talk only hurts the child. No matter what my stepson's mother tells him about me, he has his own feelings towards me(good ones)and that confuses him.

Does your significant other back you up? Does he confront his ex about what she says and does towards you? My husband has finally started to put his ex in her place if she does/says something horrible and not true about me. Still, she gets away with some things, as he has to pick his fights. However, since he has started to stick up for me to her face, she has gotten somewhat better. We still have issues, though, and I will not deal with her directly anymore!

Hang in there if this is what you want but know this. It will get better as the children get older as long as your significant other stands up for you!!!


Jan's picture

I'm glad I found this site to have wonderful people to talk to, and so far there is no negativity towards me.........LOL. Anyway, yes my BF does stick up for me, and I am so grateful to him for that, he sticks up for me so much that the ex has even told him that he now puts me ahead of their children, which is of course complete and uetter Bullsh**. I to do NOT want to deal with her anymore, it has come to the point where I have even told her not to speak to me ever, and now she has her BF relay messages to my BF (the kids dad) that I was heard saying things about her in a public place, its so pathetic its not even funny. I try SO hard not to let her or her stupid immature acts bother me, but a person can only take so much, I mean seriously how many times can you laugh something off and be like "yup, satan is at it again". After awhile it gets old, real old and tiresome. thank you very much for the reply though it really helped me alot, I bet this will be much cheaper than therapy huh? LOL.Thanks again, Jan

Corie's picture

Jan, I think our boyfriends ex's are the same person!!! You get to the point where you feel like you are going crazy! Why can these women not leave it alone and allow the ex to go on with his life? We constantly hear that he treats my children better than his own, which is not true by any means. His children have never done without. I have struggled for over 10 yrs now raising my 3 children with no child support as their dad does everything in his power to avoid paying for them. Their father does not have access with the kids on a regular basis either, comes in and out of their lives every couple of years. If my BF's ex only knew what it was like to have the other parent not care enough to provide for his children, or not care that a couple of yrs. go by before seeing the kids. I am so sick to death of her whining and complaining and her trying to make him feel guilty about things. My BF had an injury last August and is still unable to return to work, may never be able to. His child support was lowered in the courts due to the income change and she was furious over this. She has the kids relay info back to her if my BF does anything around the house....sends emails demanding to know why he isn't working yet if he is able to do this or that. Sends nasty emails about me interfering with "her" children. I don't have anything to do with her, but we operate like a family at our home and us being the parents in our house, make our own rules. We blocked her email addy, then she started calling 9 times in an hour and 15 min, the next night was 8 times in 2 hours. Guess what her emergency was? She had some receipts for him to pay his portion for extra's that she had been refusing to give him. So now we have been legally advised to send a journal back and forth only addressing concerns of the children every 2 wks when they are here for access. That we are only to return her calls if she leaves a legitimate message on the answering machine stating its an emergency. If she doesn't do it, we will have it court ordered...we can't take her bull anymore, we deserve to have a normal family life.

Anonymous's picture

I just cant believe what im hearing..there are other people out there.feeling and going through the same thing!!!..its like someone stole a page out of my life!!!...well around here its been so crazy my husband is in iraq, and ive been dealing with his ex wife, she driving me crazy. since my husband been gone we are still on the same schedule with the kids we have kids for 3 days then she has kids for three days..(whitch i dont believe is good for kids at all, to much change all the time for them) anyway, she has come by my house every night to see the kids, to yell about schoolwork, to cry to them about breaking up with her boyfriend, she had a total melt down crying to them about some guy. standing in my kitchen.then went upstairs with the little one to see if her room was clean, then yelled at her because her bed wasn't made!!.. .every night i have them she makes up something so she comes over!...the kids get very upset after she leaves,and it takes me hours to calm them down, ive tried to talk to her about this but i get the same old same old, there her kids well this is MY HOUSE!!!...i love these kids and its killing me watching them go through this, i no there her children,and im trying to be respectful, but enough, yesterday she came by to see if they where doing there homework. i said no we havent started yet im cooking dinner and after that we all sit down(there 3 kids 1 mine) and do it together..she started screaming at the top of her lungs they do there homework right after school when they get home and that im useless,,me and the kids where so upset after she left we couldn't even eat dinner...thats when the oldest one hes 11 said please don't make me see her again.shes says mean things about you and dad and i hate her!...told him to let me think about it and when he got home from school the next day wed have a long talk...hoping to get some advice before he gets home!!

Anonymous's picture

Oh my goodness. I feel for you. I couldn't imagine what that must be like. I am dealing with a wicked ex too, but she would never do that. I think the reason that she has been checking in like that is because she feels that you are a better mother then her. Seems like she is a major control freak. You are right not to want that in YOUR HOUSE. Those are her children, but I think that your husband needs to set the rules here. I know he is over seas which makes things more dificult and she knows she can get away with it. You have to stand up for yourself and tell her she will no longer disrespect you in your house. If she becomes confrontational then call the police. If you have family near by have them be there.

Prayers are with you.

kathleen's picture

Here's my take. First, lay down the law. It is your house and you do not have to have BM in it at all. Tell her unless the kids specifically ask for her to come over, you do not want her there. It is just three days for Goodness sake. Tell her to call if she wants to talk to the kids.

As for the conversation with 11 year old. What I think is the "right" thing to do is to listen to his feelings, validate and help him see another side so that he can have empathy and still love his mom.

Are you sure you want to maintain visitation while DH is overseas, fighting for our country? You are a brave and honorable woman, truly, to take this on. I commend you. Sounds like your presence in their life is very valuable. You must take care of yourself though and setting boundaries and rules is your first order of business. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Dou's picture


I am so relieved that there is a forum like this! I am not alone, Thank you God!!!! After separating in 1997, my high school sweetheart married another woman and in that time period produced two children. In between that time, I had two boys from a previous relationship.Upon seeing him again in 2005, we met and talked and began dating again. They had been separated, she leaving him many times during their tenure. He filed for divorce from her 3 months later. We got married a year later. Since we have gotten together she has repeatedly tried to make our life hell. She has told the children evil things about the father and myself, to the point that the child came and told us. He was 3 at the time and repeatedly said "you are a BAD DADDY" as a litany. She has sent the children to our house with pink eye, strepped throat, ringworm and any other childhood infectious disease that you can imagine. My husband and I have a 15 month old son and he received the pink eye from my stepdaughter. 4 out of 5 times that we receive them they are ill and come packed with meds. I mentioned this to my mother in law ( who cannot stand her) and she has agreed that she is a lax and irresponsible mother. Not only that she has been a CHILD CARE TEACHER for over 4 years. I am also a child care provider.

Every time my stepdaughter comes she is wearing lowcut clothes and tiny miniskirts in 40 degree weather, she is just 3 years old. A restraining order against her towards my husband has been in effect since May of last year because she assaulted him in a parking lot after cutting my stepsons hair. He had been growing it from birth and requested to both parents repeatedly to cut, after talking to her, he did so. She kicked him in the chest, punched and scratched him ALL WHILE HOLDING MY STEPDAUGHTER!!!!!! Imagine the rage inside of me. My husband is a disblaed Iraq war veteran.

Ladies, the list could go on and on. Never get involved, always show copious amounts of love to those children becuase they are confused and it is very tough on them. Just absorb all the ex's negative energy and turn into positive and focus it on those children.

Take care and take the high road.

Anom777's picture

My fiancé works several months of the year out of state. He has every other weekend with his teenage daughter for the custody arrangement. Is it within the law to require her to allow his daughter to come to our house while he is gone? If not how did you get her to do that? His daughter is upset and wants to come see me and my kids. She only uses me to give their daughter a ride at the last minute which I drop everything just so we can see her. I invite his daughter to everything we do and her mom says okay and I make plans to go and she has canceled 99/100 times.

In your situation, I don't know if she has to still bring them while he is gone so you might not want to push it. But, oh my g** her coming into your home like that is crazy.

wkdwytch's picture

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let this woman in your house again. You have no obligation to let her in your house on your visitation day. It does not matter that your husband is in Iraq. You cannot, however, file any papers for your stepson or husband regarding a change in custody/visitation. This will have to be done once he returns and should be done immediately upon his return, especially if his son does not want to keep the same arrangement you currently have. Good luck to you!

The dutchess's picture

Like the rest of you, I am so relieved to find that I am not alone and that the world hasn't fallen down around me. I am living with the man that I love and our relationship is taking a serious toll because of his ex. I personally dont think bad of her, many tell me that it is because I have never had to deal with her. People are always warning me about her, that she want to kill me, she keeps cursing me and calling me names, and when I come to her house to fetch my BF'S daughter, she is as nice as can be and she always tells me how my BF abandoned her and how I should watch out for him. At first I though, "Wow, someone MUST be lying here." and then I started to learn all these things of her. I am not here to complain about her, really my life revolves around her enough, I just wish I could have some advice on how I can make the situation better. The real problem boils down to the money and the children. My BF and I are paying everything for her, her rent, her car, her clothing accounts, airtime and we buy food for the house and give her money as well. (we give her money for food and she spends it on other things) I was in a bad mood one day and let my BF know what I felt of that because I work my ass off everyday. She doesnt work, has a full time maid and the child is at school until 5pm. Now I just decided that I will give her all her heart desires so that she can just not be angry and tell the child how her father abandoned her, when it was her that said we wont see her until her this or that has been paid...
When the child asks why daddy isnt there anymore, she will say because he abandoned us to be with his w***e. The truth is that I met while he was filing the papers for the divorce, how have I ruined HER life??? If I am nice about everything than they just want more out of me, if I am a total B****H then it is even worse, and it is not even got anything to do with me...please can someone out there tell me what to do? I cant leave this man, he is my everything and it will destory him. I am just really tired of being engaged to her more than to him...and the guilt she loads is killing me and I cant even bring myself down to say what it is doing to this beautiful 4 year old. Sad

BeautyQueen's picture

Is this an agreement for her to come and visit kids in your home? I don't understand how you allow her to come into YOUR house and be so disrespectful and act like she's the woman of the house. I understand they are her kids but you run your house the way you want. If your rules is they do homework after they eat then so be it. She cant tell you how to run your house regardless the kids are there. When she enter into your home RESPECT has to be enforced. No way she would come in my house acting like that.

rjohns12's picture

I have put up with my husbands exwife for three years now. At first she would play silly games of calling my cell then hanging up or making derogatory remarks. I never knew her number and had not met her (the kids stayed with us every other weekend, and they were wonderful), finally I called the number back and sure enough it was her. I asked her to stop immediately, she stated "it's not me placing the phone calls to you", but the calls came from her cell and her voice on my voicemails. I told her if it continued I would have no choice but to contact the police as this is the type of person I was dealing with. I let my husband here the messages, he simply stated "I told you she would soon start with you". The next day, after the police contacted her about the continued harrassement she called and left a voicemail, stating "I did not place those calls to your phone, but I do want to thank you for taking such good care of my children while they are at your house, they seem to really adore you." ( mind you she had called 37 times while I was the police station filing the complaint, and the detectives even answered the phone after about the 11th one). Needless to say, the next weekend we had the then 4 year old little girl and 13 year old boy. We caught the 13 year old at our door with his cell phone trying to record our conversations "because his mother told him to", he stated. We explained this was not appropriate, and immediately called her to let her know he can no longer have the cell phone on in our home. The 4 year old was sitting at the dinner table, and out of the blue, points at me and says "you a bitch. you and daddy sexin"....of course we immediately spoke with her, she's only 4, her 13 year old brother immediately said " you know mommies mouth". from their she started keeping the kids on our weekends, not allowing us to pick them up, accused my then 5 year old little girl of "sexually molesting" her daughter....complete and morbid lie. Later we found out that the 4 year old had actually started taking her clothes off at school and the behavior got so bad they had to call CPS on the mother, so we are assuming this is why she tried to put it on us. Well, we moved in 06, and emailed her to ask for the childrens christmas reply, so I sent what i knew they liked right before we left. In 07 she took that old email and began emailing my, my husband and his mother and had changed the email to say some pretty nasty things then sent it and replied to it as if I had sent it. We have not spoken to them since(still sent packages and cards to the children), now december 2008 my husband received an email, actually 2 where she took my email address, put it as from me, to her now 16 year old son, telling him "I know your a queer, and you need counceling because I know your gay". then wrote a second one to him from my email address stating "you have been replaced, stating my husband and I's now 2 year old sons name, and saying he has replaced you, you have no place in my home". This is morbid to me, the children and I never had problems. other than a few things here and there, we all talked about them and we got along well. Why #1 would this mother write something like that to her own child????? What is wrong with her????? #2 why would she forge my email address and an email with my name, this is the third time. I did an IC3 form for cyber crime which states this is a federal crime. But seriously, what is wrong with this woman??? please tell me, what do you do about someone that goes to this extent, who knows how much farther she will go. On top of this the same day she emailed my husband this crap, she had sent me an email stating "I haven't received your request for the childrens christmas list so I'll just give it to you now, the 16 year old wants a $500.00 visa gift card from us, and the 7 year old wants a $300.00 coach purse. you need to have those here before christmas, Thank you" Now I don't mind buying them things, but I didn't ask because my husband said it would just open a door for her to start something, and over the last two years for every occassion we make a box for each of them of different things, and can only hope they like, want, and needed them. We are constantly told by my mother in law, that the oldest tells them he hasn't received anything from us sicne 2005, but the mother assures that they receive their packages as well as the random cards we send just to tell them we love and miss them.
The worst part, is my husband won't even stand up to her, especially after this and let her know this is enough. Basically doesn't even stand up for me....I understand he doesn't want to deal with it, but every year out of the blue this woman starts attacking me or my children and now attacking our son we had together....I'm trying to hard not to just shut everyone out...but seriously....


Anonymous123's picture

Oh honey! I can very much relate to your CRAZY ex story! However, first I am a little confused. So you and your husband don't see his kids at all anymore? Ever? And they don't know that you send them gifts? And a 7 year old wants a Coach Purse? Ha! Yeah right. Did you lose your rights to see them when you moved? Surely it's in the divorce judgment that you can still see them. Maybe I misread.

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. I do not have children of my own, but the ex has pulled everything you could think of during their messy divorce. She accused my BF of raping her, beating her, and sexually molesting his own child. All after SHE moved in a convicted sex offender who had just gotten out of jail! The divorce is finally over, and luckily no one (even DFS that she called twice) didn't believe her crazy stories. It was evident she was only making them up to get the spotlight off her own BF. Anyway, we thought now things would start to calm down. NOT THE CASE. She tells his son (5) that his daddy is a horrible person, that I am a horrible person, and makes life difficult where ever she can. The divorce has been final a little over a month, and we have already had to threaten filing a motion for full custody at the advice of the guardian at litem. We currently have 45% of custody, joint legal. It is a nightmare. She tries and has tried everything in the book. The sad part is, the boy is caught in the middle. He adores me but is being told by his mother that he shouldn't like me, that she doesn't like me, and to me to leave and never come back. So, usually once he comes back after being with her for a few days, he is really confused. He will be mean to me and say horrible things, followed by "that's what my mom says". I try not to let it get to me, I know he doesn't mean them. Usually after a day or so, he is back to his normal self, loving me and playing. He is getting better, Christmas was a nightmare. So even over the last month he has improved. We just keep telling him he can have his own feelings, and that it is his mom problem that she doesn't like me, not his. We have also told him to tell her if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all. We just keep reinforcing these things to him, and they begin to sink in. It is an on going battle, and will continue to be until he is a little older and can think for himself more. He is independent, so there is hope. And a terrific kid.
You must remember there is always a reason. We have been through A LOT in the last year and a half, more than I could have even imagined. And there is a lot more to come. You just have to have faith, God has a reason. I don't know your religious beliefs, but everything has a purpose whether you can see it at first or not. Pray for her, as crazy as that sounds. She ( same as mine) is leading a miserable life. For someone to take that much energy into making someone miserable, is miserable themselves. I pity my BF's ex. She has nothing better to do but to think of things to hurt her child and us. Sad that she doesn't have a life. Doesn't sound like yours does either. It's hard, to face every day wondering what's coming next.
As far as your husband, it has to be dealt with. Just like a child, they will do whatever you let them get away with. In our case, she would laugh if he said anything to her. It has to come from a judge, everything has to be done legally. I am pretty sure has a mental disorder, seriously. Either bi-polar or some sort of personality disorder. She is erie. Like accusing him of raping, beating and molesting their son, then blowing him a kiss and mouthing "I love you" right after. SICK!
So you either need to have a serious chat with your husband about talking to her, or you need to get a lawyer involved. How do his divorce papers read? About custody?

youngmama1b1g's picture

If there is a custody order in place where your H gets visitation- he gets the visitation. Take the police with you to get if you have to but the longer the kids dont hear from you the worse itll be.

needing help's picture

I so understand how you feel! You can only take so much b4 you snap. I have been with my hubby for almost 4 years and married almost 2 of those years, this is the 2nd marriage
4 both of us. We have my 2 girls from my past marriage living with us and he has 3 from his in another state. You would think the fact of the mother of his kids living in another state would make things easier but it is far from it! She used to call all the time just to talk to my hubby about everything not just the kids, every time she would get into it with her family, have a break up, or even just a bad day. It drove me insane! After many big fights over this he finally realized that she needed to stop this craziness so he stopped contact with her unless it was about the kids. Well my peace has ended her and her bf have broken up and the past few days he has had calls about the most idiotic things. It is driving me crazy!! She is nuts and not only do I have to deal with her it is her mother and father who call here too just to tell my husband things he needs to do! I have spoken with them all and her mother is just as crazy as she is! When my hubby lost his job he got behind in child support so when we paid it out of our income tax the state she lives in has kept the check and told her it would be 6 months b4 she got it, which would be sept so instead of doing the math herself she keeps calling us along with her family to figure out y she hasn't gotten it. Just last week her father called and left me a message about how I need to call for her and find out what is going on with it then 20 min later she called me to fuss about it and told me "you just need to call them again to get me my money" when I told her that I am really busy right now and it would be a week or so b4 I would have the chance to (trying to be nice) she asked y I couldn't do it the next day! I am not doing it period now I work with my hubby in the business we started this year, do all the books, make all the appointments, and not to mention am always doing something at the kids school. On the other hand she doesn't work has other adults living in her home who do not work and does nothing for the kids school or anything ( I knoiw thius because they call me all the time for little things like providing them with social security numbers of the kids that she forgets to give them ) so y should I? I have had it with this woman I cannot stand her or her family anymore they disrupt my life constantly and it has got to end!

suckerforpunishment's picture

I'm sorry for your issues and I sympathize for you. On a positive note it could be worse and your bfriend/husband not defend you. The kids will grow fast and she will have less interaction with you over time.

happy mom's picture

Everytime my stepson is with us, I feel like he dislikes me or feels uncomfortable around me. I'm pretty sure that his biomom feeds him false information about me, maybe to not like me. He is always distant from me, never says hi when he arrives home. He is now 9 yrs old., he became my stepson when he was 3 yrs. old. I remember one time when his biomom called my husband to tell him that his son said that I hit him on the head, that of course was not true. Was she just making that up? I have a 5yr old daughter and at first my stepson use to fight with her. I feel like his biomom feeds him bad information and probably snoops around and asks questions about what's going on in our household. One time my stepson asked me if I was happy in the relationship? I said to myself "why is he asking me that? unless his mom asked him to ask me that question. I told him yes of course I was happy...he then said "is that the truth?" I was just like yes, why are you asking and he said nothing.

Anonymous's picture

I totally understand!! I have two step children (ages 13 & 14 boys). The 14 yr old is terrible most of the time. His mother treats him like her significant other when he is with her, so when he stays with my Boyfriend (of 7 yrs) he thinks he is an adult and will not obey any rules. Instead lately he barely even talks. He is VERY standoffish towards me and tries in every way to make me feel not included in anything. My BF and is ex-wife have been divorced for 11 yrs and have to communicate through attorneys still (at the ex-wife request). Unfortunately, the ex-wife is a licensed psychologist and makes our life a "living hell", filling both boys heads with lies. My email is if you choose to talk. Maybe we can help each other, it sounds like we have alot in common. Take Care


Exhausted SM's picture

I also am a SM. i have 3 skids and girl 11, boy 14 and boy 8. SS 14 yr old lives with me and my hubby. 8yr SS adores me and would love to live with us. BM hates my guts and tries her hardest to turn the kids against me. She has (after 5 yrs) managed to get SD to completely write me off. It didn't use to be that bad. SD has always been stand offish with me but warms up after the first couple hours of our visitation. Recently she has turned into a terror! She has even said loudly in public as she was getting in trouble by my hubby that the only reason why he was getting on to her was because of me and that is why she doesn't like me. (It was very hurtful and embarassing). She has also told me recently that her mom said that I did some type of "voodoo" ritual to make BD fall in love with me and I took him away from his family. Of course that is not true! In fact she cheated on him and that is why they are divorced. I am to the point where I feel no emotional connection with my SD and if I never saw her again that would be ok. I feel like I am being bullied by an 11y/o! This has strained our marriage because of course my hubby loves his D and wants us to have a good relationship but believe me it will NEVER happen! I know I cannot stop BM from telling all her lies about me but how do I live my life like this??? HELP!

Anonymous's picture

I know exactly how you feel! My SD is 13 now. I've been with her dad for the last 8 years and she just cannot stand me. We used to get along really well in the beginning of the relationship but I think that having her mom tell her crazy stuff about me over the years has finally gotten to her. I haven't seen SD in over 2 months and it's absolutely fine with me. I have no feelings towards her at all. I know it makes my husband sad that we don't have any kind of relationship but he also knows her mom has had so much influence on her so there's nothing really anyone can do. My advice to you would be to just let it go. Be polite and civil when she's around but don't bend over backwards trying to make it work with her because it will just eat you up. There's no way you can compete with what BM is telling her daughter.

stepped-on's picture

This is mey first write in. I'm a SM to two SD for the past 8 years. It's been hell! I've have bent over backwards and then some. I'm learning to let go. It's hard knowing that my DH needs me to do and help out even though the girls are 20 and 22. Yes, their BM is bi-polor and has influenced them against me, even though the girls say she has not. The girls are so much like their BM that their behavior is frustrating. I'm bitter to the point of not even wanting them in my home. I didn't think I would ever become that kind of person. I'm glad I have found this site and know others have some understanding.

Anonymous's picture

Wow! I have finally found somewhere, even though it is not really a "place" to vent as a stepmom. I have been married 4 years to my husband and we have custody of his 5 chidren. BM is crazy and is also bipolar. 3 out of 5 kids are bipolar. One is in a theraputic boarding school right now because of her illness. My husband is the love of my life, and if I did not love him so much I would run so fast! There are days I do not know how I function with all that life has handed me. My husband is much older than me and has not been physically healthy for the last 16 months which means that I have been a single parent for the kids that are not "really" mine!! Because of the age difference and the amount of energy and work that these kids require, I don't think that I would have any of my own and I am ok with that. I just need people who understand what it is like for us SM!!! My husband supports me soooo much, but I just can't expect him to truly get it. Please reach out and help me!

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I encourage you to sign up and become a member.

It sounds like you have a tough road to travel.

I can't imagine having 3 bipolar stepkids and a bipolar biomom.


Regina's picture

You are very very brave, I commend you. And you said, "...I don't think that I would have any of my own and I am ok with that." That is amazing. I mean, I would not be okay with that, but of course that is me personally, I could not just take care of kids that are not mine and not want to have my own and feel the pride in raising my own child. You must be doing an awesome job, I am so glad to see that your husband supports you!!! That is invaluable!

fellow sufferer's picture

My boyfriend's ex wife is incomprehensibly evil.
She has turned her oldest daughter (12) against me and my daughter.
When I am around this girl, she usually will not even speak to me.
My boyfriend doesn't really take up for me in regard to her.
Makes excuses for her probably because he's afraid to be taken back to court by his crazy ex. She has already taken him there once because his daughter said he "threw her against a wall".
Thankfully this accusation was ruled out by the court and the ex wife was given a strong reprimand by the judge, but even that is not stopping her from poisoning her kids against me, and possibly him as well.
Unfortunately no court can really prevent that.
I love my boyfriend very much but it really hurts not being able to go around him when his kids are there. When I do go around them, mostly the older daughter who is just like the ex, I'm ignored and feel terrible when my boyfriend doesn't take up for me.
I don't know what to do. He won't marry me i'm sure because of the kids and his fear of the ex turning them against him.
I have to admit, she probably would!
i'm so sorry for your pain, but it's good to know that I'm not alone.

another victim's picture

My husband's ex flipped out as soon as we got married. She got my email address and started sending me vicious emails under an alias, talking as if it were her, she just doesn't use her own name so that we cannot prove it. She says she is still sleeping with him. She tells me that he calls her all of the time and tells her how "dumb" I am and all these other hateful things. She tells me that their daughters hate me, which is so untrue. Basically, she just wants me to doubt him and think that he still is having a relationship with her behind my back. She will then call and leave him phone messages regarding the most irrelevant things just to get to me. She acts like everything is fine between them. Meanwhile, he has had no contact with her for months. At least that is what he tells me and I really do believe him. He hates what this is doing to me and he knows that if he did have anything to do with her behind my back he would lose me. We are going to court to hopefully have a judge see what she is up to and get someone to be in the middle so that there is zero communication between my husband and her. What she wants more than anything is to have him call her. Even if it is for negative reasons.

Simone's picture

Your story sounds just like my life. I have been with my husband who is the love of my life for 3 years and we have been married 7 months and since meeting him I have had this frustration in me that I just do not understand - some days I think it would be easier to just end the relationship than have to put up with his ex anymore. Ever since our first date his ex has been texting, calling, emailing and carrying on like a nut. She used to send messages trying to get him back with little kisses at the end but I stopped that around xmas by cutting her down with a reply text. But she has recently started finding any little excuse to call or text my husband - there is always something she just has to tell him. Although my husband does stick up for me he is also pretty civil to her when she calls because he is scared of her not letting him see his kids (which she would never do because she can't wait to get rid of them). She always talks badly to my two step daughters (7 & 10) about me and my husband and when they come to stay it always takes them a while to warm to me, they just seem to ignore me and act as if I don't exist and I get really upset because when they are with us I am the one who dresses them, feeds them, takes them to birthday parties etc. When the kids go home his ex sits them down and they go over everything we have said and done so she knows everything going on in our life. I just don't know how to deal with her always in our life. I feel like it is my husband and his two wifes and he has even said that before because she contacts him that much! Help what can I do to get over this????

missylyn's picture

my husband and i have been together 3years. we have an 15 mo old son together. he has a 5 year old daughter with his ex wife. she has been hateful and malicious from the start. but we like to stay 2 steps ahead. my husband hates his ex wife for a number of reasons. but mainly because she likes to try and use scare tactics in order to get him where she wants him which is no way for any person to live, but because of her behaviour. she has to go through me and my phone in order to communicate with him for anything.and it has cut out alot of bull. she hates having to go through me and she hates even more that she has no control of the situation. when she calls i do give my husband the messages when she leaves them but if she tries to pull that i'm gonna harass him until he answers crap then she gets to hear from me instead. and i tell her that if she calls and leaves threateing voice mails she will not be allowed to talk to my husband. that if she has something to say to him she can patiently waite for him to call her back. and i let her know if she contiues to act rudely then we will take our recordings to court and press charges on her for harassment. we also bought this device from radio shck that plugs into the cell phone and a casstte recorder and now all conversations are recorded. so she has no choice now but to act politley when she calls or she will suffer the consequences. and if it doesn't pertain to their daughter she don't need to be calling nagging about someone or somethings from their past like she use to. and so you just got to get tough take over and learn what your rights are and hope you husband loves you and trust you enough at being able to handle being put in the middle to back her off.

amanda henderson's picture

It sounds like too much work for you and he also sounds incredibly cowardly that a grown man can set his ex straight. Your better off changing your number and just don't give it to her.

Kimberly's picture

My ex had 2 children. A boy and a girl, he was 5 and she was 8. His daughter loved me, his son hated me. (They had two different moms) Bri's mom was great, we got along very well, and worked together with her. Bry's mom was impossible to get along with and hated my guts, she was extremely jealous of my 2 kids and Bry was too. She always expected him to be first priority over everything. Hate towards us radiated from him for several years, despite how nice I was and what I did for him. I've always treated every child I've been with like I would my own, (even him) despite his behavior towards me. He did warm up to me occaisionally, and that helped me to see what I already knew. It was the things she was telling him that made him the way he was towards me and my kids. That became more obvious over time. He called me mom one day, and she flipped! That confirmed it too. I think I was in it for about 5 years and things started getting better. There's a gene pool somewhere near by where all of these crazy B****es come from, but hang in there it does get better. Kids can't pick their moms and in time, they see the BS for what it is. They get old enough and respect and love you more for being there than they did when they couldn't see through it. Crazy mom's are impossible and don't respond to it. She isn't your ex, she's his. You didn't marry it, she's not your problem. I told the crazy one that, and sure-I felt bad about it and yeah-she got really upset and really mad, but it ended my problems with her. Be the bigger woman and be the better mom if she's not willing to be. They need someone to look up to, and they also need to recognize that the behavior of their mom isn't okay. You don't have to point that out to them, they most-likely already know it. They just need to know they can rise above it.

I finally ended the relationship with their father, and my *daughter* frequently comes and visits. When I see my *son* I treat him no different. I just wasn't happy with their father and it had nothing to do with them. They'll always be my kids and they know it.

hopeful's picture

I have to deal with the manipulation of an my husband's ex-wife too and it is no fun. One of things that I realized too late though is that we can't control her behaviour but I can control mine. Having the support of your spouse and agreeing to deal with these issues in a unified way is crucial. We didn't and so we live in separate houses now. I couldn't cope with my husband being bullied by his ex all of the time and the games that she played. I knew that his behaviour would not change unless he made that choice but I also knew that my reaction had to change for my own sanity and happiness...and it did! Good luck and stay unified in your isn't easy that is for sure!!!

Tiffani K's picture

I'm now dating my best friend. He is a very sweet man. I met him about 5 years ago and at the time he was going through a divorce. His wife cheated on him and she didn't want to be married anymore. However, they are still friends.

Approx 1 year after his divorce he asked to date me and I didn't say yes until 4 months ago. About 3 years ago, around the same time, we both moved from our hometown and moved to separate states. He's in Penn and I'm in GA. The problem is this, anytime he goes back to our hometown he stays at his ex in-laws home. His ex-wife lives there also. He and his ex-wife still exchanges expensive gifts on Xmas, Birthdays, etc. He still spends the Holidays with her and her family. Their son lives with him however, she still allow her to receive child support. Approx 2 years before we started dating I told him that it was unhealthy for him to be so attached to his ex and her family and that he needed to move on in order to find him someone. Well now that we are dating he recently went to our hometown and although 4 of his friends suggested that he should stay with them, he chose to stay at with his ex and her family. He wants to move to GA, however at one time he said that he would have to take was his ex suggested into consideration because of their son. I need some advice!!! This man is very sweet, however, his ex seems to have this hold on him. I've discussed this with him and he stated that "We are only friends and she is the mother of my child." Should I run for my life?????

Nise's picture

I don’t know that I’d ever tell a woman to run for her life…someone one on the outside looking in may have told me to do the same thing when I said that I was madly in love with a man with two girls 6 months apart….had I listened, I would never have the BLESSED life that I have right now with a man who loves me more than anything in the world! So…if you have strong feelings for him…stick around b/c the pay off could be swell! HOWEVER, you two DEFINATLEY have some work to do!!!! I can tell you straight up that it is going to be HELL for you that he and his ex are still so close….it is bad enough that there is an ex around to deal with but when they are still so buddy-buddy…that is gonna KILL you eventually if things don’t change….When he said "We are only friends and she is the mother of my child." Did he mean that the two of you are only friends or that he and the ex are only friends? Either way, you have to discuss with him your idea of boundaries. Ask him how he perceives that things will change when/if the two of you get married…explain to him how it makes you feel and see if the two of you can come to a compromise…I mean come on, once the two of you are married he can’t expect that you will be okay with him spending the night with his ex-wife at his ex-inlaws house!!! Have him talk to an older wiser married man that he trusts and get his opinion on the issue like his father, pastor, etc….Keep us posted and WELCOME to the group!

Make a GREAT Day!

spitfire99's picture

I too, experienced the same situation while dating my now husband. Guess doesn't get any better! You really need to think this one through. My situation is/was as follows...Initially, they spent Christmas together (while we were dating) as his children (he had the 2 boys & she had the daughter) had little time together as siblings & both sets of grandparents lived within 30 mins, so it was one great big friggin' family reunion & I was in PA with my parents (who were also very elderly). This arrangement worked as I really wanted to be with my parents & I knew b/c he had been stationed all over the world in Army that his holidays had been limited with his family. Makes sense, thought we were being adults, right? Until I found out he was buying her expensive perfume, etc b/c "it looked good for the kids to see him giving her something for Christmas" ?????? Anyway, this type of behavior continued after we were married & we eventually separated, with HIS relationship with the EX being a major contributing factor. Actually, in hindsight, it was his "COMMITMENT" that was the real issue. So after a long period of him paying for 2 homes (his & mine) and "dating" we decided to reconcile. On the list of conditions for my return, number #1 on the list was a severing of his relationship with the EX. All the kids were over 30 y.o. at the time of this "ultimatum". And come to think about it, the EX issue was really the only thing I requested that he resolve prior to my return. So, he feebly attempted to speak to adult children to request that they not bring their mother to any more family events @ our home (always came un-invited, or dh knew & didn't tell me). But, old habits die hard & everytime he visits in FL, the EX is up close & personal. We can't even visit with the SK (now all over 38) without her being up our butts! So, my solution, I don't go to visit with him to FL to see SK's & grandkids. But guess what, she is in every friggin' picture they take & sitting by his side. WTF!!!! It never ends. really need to think this one through. If BF can't cut the ties now WHILE you are dating, honey, it's never going to happen. You will find yourself staying with his EX in-laws before it's over!!! They have a great way of rationalizing things to make you think you are crazy & selfish & they are right. Try to get some perspective on this and do it FAST!!!!

LISA's picture


missylyn's picture

well they are all chummy because he hasn't drawn any boundaries and it sounds like they are more or less still married. it will continue to go on as long as HE allows it and if he doesn't see anything wrong with the situation then you might as well pack your bags and not waste another minute of your valuable time/life on him. because obviously he isn't in love with you, you are just someone to pass the time with when he isn't with her.go out and find someone that does love you and wants you to be their queen and wants you in the center of their life and that wants to make a life with you not have you there as a back up plan.

Matt's picture

He might be your best friend, but it sounds like your not his. He has an unhealthy attachment to, not only his ex, but his ex in-laws.
You need to make him, make a decision.

apd's picture

I'm in a similar situation and if there is any way to talk with your BF and let him know how you feel and realize that what he's doing is not good for your relationship or the children. My BF says the same thing that "they are friends and SHE's the mother of my children", I'd like to stamp that on his forehead, but that's another story. I don't care if she's the pope he shouldn't be sleeping with her there.
I'm also a product of divorce and of parents who were at the time very selfish and didn't realize that some of the things that did or said were not good for us and our understanding of relationships/love/divorce, etc. etc. Continue to write here there are alot of great people here with some great information and are totally understanding. I'm new to all of this myself and its quite the ride, so hold on and keep writing! Good luck!

gina's picture

Hi, I'm reading your story and feel the same and have the same questions weather to stay or run from this ordeal. My new boyfriend has a close relationship with his ex but says it's because he wants the kids back (she's got full custody). she's an alcoholic. He tells me that he still loves her but could never be with her because of her disease. On the other hand he has expressed to me how wonderful their lives used to be and he would do anything if he could have his family back; as a whole, this i took as getting her back too..."the whole package". Now, how am i suppose to react to this? they are going on camping trips together? His parents love her to death! I really don't know if i should stick around because what if one day she decides to get sober and ask for him to help her? I'm history! I really am falling in love with him and he's the first man in years that i've connected with and i don't want to lose him. I don't want to be hurt and hung out to dry either....should i wait to see what happens or get out of this while i still have my sane mind?

althea's picture

There is no way this relationship will work out for the best. One, do you want to share this guy with his ex? They are too close for comfort. He may be a great guy, but, it seems that he has not let go of his ex. If he had, he wouldn't need to continue doing things that are for people who are intimately involved. I am sorry, but, it is disrespectful to you for him to stay at his in laws and to exchange expensive gifts. He should be spending the holidays with you and your family or you and his! As a good friend told me once, if a man is truely into you, he will do anything for you including sleep on a concrete floor to be near you. Girl, dump this guy and find someone who will be your one and only female companion.

Rose Colored Glasses's picture

Boyfriend needs to DISENGAGE from the ex-wife and her family. His only communication with them should be superficial or about child rearing issues. His continued familial bond with them is very unhealthy for a new relationship. I think I would reconsider moving on in a relationship like this.

Anonymous's picture

Yes Run for your life. There is such a BIG poplulation of men out there. You dont' have anythign thing that is going to tie you to him so you can make a clean run. Take it from me, you will be much happier with a man who has no past following him. You both can start a life together fairly for both sides. Not you having to deal with a lot of "stuff" that he can never understand what it's liek for you cause he can never be in your shoes.

Coty Sims's picture

That is some messed up S***. I'm about to marry a many in a month and a half and the closer it gets the more his exwife calls. And it bothers me that they act like good friends. I trust him..... but I don't her. I know she is trying to cause problems, and she wants what she can't have. But, I just had to tell someone. Thanks.

Sellissa's picture

You already know the answer. But will you do it? Your situation is going to get worse when he is spending Christmas with his X and her family and Thanksgiving, and summer holidays, and then start slipping away for weekends, lying about it because he can't come out and tell you the truth. And if you make him choose. Sure, he will choose, then lie to you about where he and she are. Then when you find out, he will tell you YOU MADE HIM LIE. Tiff, yes, run for your life. I just found out my husband has been seeing his x and sleeping with her, not near her, for the past 2 years. She won't take him back. If she does, the alimony and child support stop. I'd run.

v's picture

There are a lot of sweet men out there. Please find someone else.

It is really not worth the drama even when the boyfriend or husband are not in good terms with their ex. But to be in good terms with
her being manipulative is not going to be easy.

Save your self some heart ache.

Married to a bestfriend and SM of two SSs'

jackie sherar's picture

Yes girl, run for your life, your heart and your self respect. It's one thing for your bf to be mature enough to be kind to the mother of his child but a whole different thing to stay with her. That is insane. Looking at the situation from the outside I would say there are still feelings there between them. I have an ex husband and we get along great for the benefit of the kids but do not need to exchange gifts or sleep under the same roof. I think you are setting yourself up to get cheated on.

I am in the same boat. My husband will not stand up to his manipulating ex for anything. She pools up in our driveway when she wants she has her own set of rules when they are conveinent for her and I am sick of it. But what do you do. I feel like he tried to make her happy before he does me and he doesn't call her out when she disrespects me. We have a one year old together and then I brought a now 12 year old to our marriage. But his Father lives in a different state and isn't a good father figure so my husband has no idea what it is like to be in our shoes. It is starting to effect our relationship as well. I am just sick of it!

Jill's picture

Hi there,
I can completely relate to your situation. My fiance has an ex-wife that manipulates both him and their child to no end. One of the biggest problems is that either my fiance doesn't see it, or if he does, he says it's not worth discussing with her. He told me he has to "pick his battles" or else he will be banging his head against the wall. He also said that a lot of the time it's just easier to "give her what she wants" to avoid conflict. There was one point when his ex and I did try to communicate, but I was devestated to learn that she used everything I ever said or did to her against me. She called my fiance and told him that I said all this horrible stuff about him and their daughter. She would call me up and ask me to help her get through to him, or ask me to help her with their daughter, and I would always say OK just because I thought it would make life easier for everyone. As it turned out, she made a few nasty comments and told my fiance to make sure I understood that I had no say whatsoever in anything that happened in regard to their child. She said she didn't want to deal with his "girlfriend" on issues that concerned only them. Then I discovered that she starting changing her child's mindset about me. At first we had this loving relationship and everything was fine. Then, all of a sudden after this happened, she started acting out and telling me that she didn't have to listen to me. She would say "Well, my mom said I could so it doesn't matter what you say. You're not my mom." Another huge factor in all this is that I have a daughter of my own who is just about the same age, and she saw all of this. She picked up on it immediately and starting asking questions about what was going on. I have tried really hard to stay out of it, but the ex does everything she can (it seems) to push the issue. She calls my fiance at work during the day so she can talk without me around. She tries to act all nice around him, but treats me like crap. She even told me once that she would and has often thought about taking him back (she left him for someone else - a much older someone else), like he would have any say in the matter. She also does stupid stuff that I think is just childish. For example, I will be watching their child with mine and I will call at some point during the day to find out what time she is planning on coming to the house to get her kid so I can make sure we are going to be home. She will deliberately not answer the phone, then call my fiance at work and tell him to call me and let me know that she'll be there sometime within an hour time frame. He will then tell her that he is at work and doesn't have time for this bulls**t and to call me herself. Her reply is always "this has nothign to do with her. It is about our child." I try really hard not to make too many waves, but she is a constant thorn in my backside and the idea that I will have to deal with this for the next however many years is very unsettling. The resolution to this situation, for me at least, would be much easier if there weren't two other major contributing factors. One, I am pregnant with his child, and two, I have an eight year old that has grown to adore him. My daughter's father lives in another state and she rarely sees or speaks to him, so she looks to my fiance yo fill that void for her. Granted, he does love her and treat her very well, most of the time, but it is still frustrating. I keep asking myself, "Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?" The more I think about it, the more the answer "NO" comes to mind. My fiance says I am the one that makes it so difficult by having such an issue with his ex, but it is hard not to. He has no idea what it is like because he has never had to deal with it. He says I'd be happier if he hated her, and although honestly I have to say I would be, that probably wouldn't be good for their kid, so I try to understand. The bottom line is that I very much dislike her, was totally betrayed by her, and feel frustrated at her behavior constantly. He hasn't yet, doesn't now, nor do I think my fiance will ever see it for what it really is. It causes so much distress in my life, mainly because I can't let it go. I know I need to work on that part, but it is a lot easier said than done. Good luck to you, and just know you are not alone in this chaos.

Tania's picture

Your posting almost made me cry! I have been feeling all this time like I am some kind of evil person for feeling the anger I do towards my boyfriends ex, and now I see I am not alone!

I started dating my boyfriend 6 months ago. He split up with his ex soon after their baby was born because he could not stand her verbally abusive, lazy, selfish, spoiled, controlling personality. I am 30 years old, and have no children of my own, and was not even close to being ready for dealing with this situation. Once she found out we were dating, her first demand was that he not have the child around me EVER. I was not even allowed to be in the same vehicle. One night she saw me in the vehicle and freaked out. After this, she demanded an apology from me (which I never gave) and decided we would get along for the sake of the child. Now, she takes it back, changing her mind day to day depending on how she feels at the time. Recently, when the baby was in the hospital, and we showed up to spend time with the child, she lost it, and said I should not be there, that THEY were a family, and that I needed to stop being around all the time. My boyfriend wants me around, he wants to marry me, and we plan on having children of our own. She likes to manipulate him and play games, and is upset that I am drilling into his head that he needs to stand up to her. Now that he is standing up to her, she is threatening he get me out of the picture, or she will see to it he doesn't have any rights in regards to his child. We had a huge argument on the phone, where she told me it is HER baby, as though I am trying to steal the child from her. She is angry that she has no control over my boyfriend and has no access to information on what we do in our free time. She constantly calls him a shitty father, yells at him, tries to set him up for failure, and plays mind games. I seriously want to beat the s@#t out of her, and I feel guilty for feeling this way, but she is the most immature, controlling, selfish, un-intelligent woman I know and she is driving me crazy. I have also, a time or two thought to myself "It's only been 6 months...can I deal with this s#@t for another 17 years?" The only thing that has kept me sane, is that my boyfriend is completely in love with me, would never hurt me, and knows he has to strive each day to stand up to her and put her in her place. He is getting better at backing me up, and not letting her put me down. I know SHE knows he will always put ME before HER (which pisses her right off) and that makes me feel EVILISHY satisfied. The thing is...she continuously turns this into him choosing ME over his daughter..not HER, and tries to make him feel guilty. I have convinced him to get a lawyer, and get visitation rights, etc, on paper, because I have a bad feeling this will only get worse as she realizes she is not always going to get her way. I love his child, and cannot wait to watch her grow up. I hope to give her a little brother or sister one day, and do not want her sensing any animosity between myself and her mother, but it will be hard when I have finally chosen to NOT have contact with her. It is just not worth the stress. I have also chosen to let her play her games, and not let it get to me or absorb me as it has in the past. In the end I know my boyfriends daughter will see who is the real adult.

been there's picture

Shes in denial right now so both of you should just ignore that. I think it was a mistake to go to the hospital for either of you. But she will soon understand that it will be you and bf raising the child when in your care. She will raise the child herself or with her so. Maybe its hormones but the fact is, she will have to accept that she is not part of yours and bf family. You and bf sound very positive so keep it up, and I would recommend keeping bm at a long distance with only necessary contact for child exchanges.

Anonymous's picture

I am in the same situation and it helps to know others are in the same boat. I am 27 and do not have children of my own. My boyfriend has a 3 year old son with his ex-wife and she absolutely hates me. She is now calling my BF screaming and shouting that she does not want me around their son and has said she is going to contact her lawyer to say that she does not feel i should be around their son. She is making up lies about me saying I am an alcoholic and a drug user (which SHE is, not me) and using this as the basis for me to not be around their son. They have joint custody so we have their son every other week. She is threatening to go for full custody because we are living together even though custody was agreed upon in their separation agreement. They are separated still and will not be divorced for another month and she is also making ridiculous claims of things she wants from the house ( she has already got everything that was in their separation agreement) and has even threatened to come and steal them if they are not given to her. I love my boyfriend and his son dearly but she is frustrating me to my limit. Whenever the phone rings I cringe and feel bad for my boyfriend whenever they meet to pick up or drop off their son as she is very rude and has a million nasty things to say about me. I can on;y hope with time things will get better but it seems she becomes angrier more and more everyday.

Corie's picture

Oh do I feel for you. But I must admit you put a smile on my face at the same time. I am by no means a violent person, but I too have had some evil thoughts....I think its because of all the craziness, it never ever stops. When it does quiet down for a couple of days, hang onto your pants, because you are in for a doozy. All the mind games they play and the guilt they try and lay on the father is sickning. My stomach is in knots all the time wondering what is next. We have been living together for 3 yrs and it wasn't too bad for the first year, but as soon as I got that diamond, did things change very quickly. It has been a non stop nightmare since. I love my man more than anything, but I don't know if I can handle another 7 yrs of constant harassment and bickering. If he was a dead beat dad, I could maybe understand it...but he has never missed a support payment, has never missed an access visitation, does not bad mouth the mother to the children, tells the children to listen to their mother when we drop them off, what more could a mother ask for in a father? What do we get in exchange, her telling the kids terrible things about us....that now that I am in their dad's life, me and my children come first, they mean nothing to him anymore, that he doesn't pay for his children, doesn't love them, etc, etc, etc. The list just goes on and on. The kids are so messed up now, boys 11 & 14 that they both require counselling, it is going to be a horrible outcome for these children when they become adults...a vicious cycle. In the meantime, I pray for the years to fly by so we can once and for all get her the hell out of our lives.

missylyn's picture

i'm in the same situation as you, and my husband backs me up and puts her in her place quite often and he isn't scared of her anymore especially since i came into his life i research the internet and read discussions like this then i research other topics and educate myslef on rights of the non costodial parent and i'm not scared anymore now i know enough that i can now verbally defend my self and my husband has listen to what i read and gives him more confidence as well as me that you can tell her to fuck off and to stay out of your life without being scared that she will take the kid away or won't let himsee them. your husband has moved on and is making a life with you, as mine is and the ex wife in our situation i'm guessing as well as your uses the child as a means to regain control and to establish authority and is an excuse to be in the middle of our life like we don't have to report to her . , like because she is the mother of his child she has a right to his life and she doesn't. but it wil go on as long as he allows it. he needs to take your advice and consult a lawyer about getting his rights on paper find out what rights he has even and take control of his life. until then you will continue to live in fear be abused and be at her mercy.

Anonymous's picture

Are you kidding? That is the worst advice I have ever heard. They live together and are raising the children together, so she has every right to speak her mind and be involved.

Anonymous's picture are just like her and can't let go of the jealousy. It is not only "their child..." she will also be "MY step-child" day and she needs to get over it. Why would I stay OUT OF IT? I'm IN IT...don't you get it? It is my life too...that is the problem...selfish BM's who think everything revolves around them and refuse to realize that THEIR child IS a part of the stepmom's life...we make sacrifices, we suffer, we worry, we care just the same as BM's do...but we are to stay out of IT? Gimme a break...

my3sons's picture

I totally agree!! I have been in my ss's life before since he was a baby and have made the sacrifices, crying, worrying, etc. He is one of my own and BM does not want to realize this at all! It is so frustrating that we do just has much if not more then they do and they still act selfish and immature. Why are BMs jealous?? and is there honestly anything us as the stepmoms can do??

Teppy's picture

My husbands ex wife had and affair with a married man and left my husband and two ss. He was a single parent for a year before I came along. We have been married now for 2 1/2 years and she won't let go. She tries to do everything to be in my husbands life, doing what she thinks he wants a mother to be,well that is all a crock of crap. Telling him that they should raise their children together, and unfortunately my husband is torn. All she will do is hurt him and the kids again. Oh she married the man she had the affair with and he was not all he was cracked up to be. what does a step mom do who loves the children and husband so much?

dawnmblack's picture

That is a ridiculous statement. If SD is coming into my home, I have just as much say as her dad does. He agrees with me on that too. If you really stood behind your statement I guess you wouldn't be posting anonymously, would you?

Anonymous's picture

You must be the ex! You are way wrong. Let kids be kids. Let those that love each other and them take care of them. Sometimes the "real" parent does not know best!

Mia's picture

Hi, Jill
Wow, this sounds so so close to my situation. I do not however have children of my own and my fiance has two with his ex.(7 and 9). I am however pregnant now and the ex and kids do not know yet. Please update your situation. This seems parallel to mine. I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Corie's picture

Hi there, if you had a couple of years to read all the emails we have accumulated from the ex, you would see you are not the only one going through what you have. I had the honours of relaying some info to the lady who I am sure is going to hell. That we were unable to take their one son to an appt 2 months in advance, giving her plenty of time to rearrange things. She became furious with me and got out of the car and told me she was going into our home to take the children home. When I told her she was not allowed to enter our house, she started yelling through the windows for the kids to get their shoes, they were leaving. I told her to please leave, she wasn't welcome, that it was a court ordered visitation and she could not legally take them. She told me some choice words and I called 911. Before they arrived she got in the car and as she was leaving screamed out some profanity and gave me the finger. My 12 yr old daughter witnessed the entire display. I could have had her charged, but because the children were so upset, I decided against it. Because we have blocked her from our email, she has started calling numerous times in short time frames for nonsense. How does one deal with this craziness without hurting the children anymore than they already are? My fiance gives her chance after chance after chance....says she is still the mother of my children. My answer to that is, a mother does not act like that. She is acting like a spoiled little kid in a candy shop that can't have her own way. Ridiculous! And here we are, only another 7 years away from the youngest one turning 18! God give me strength to overcome this hurdle!!!

missylyn's picture

girl my husbands ex wifes does the same shit or at least she tries to. lol me and you need to talk. this is how you handle her. if your husband really truely loves you then he will be ok with this. tell him to stop giving her whats she wants by limiting the conversations with her. obviously he ain't getting the message across strongly enough. do what ever he needs to to have her stop calling him at work. she has no business to even know where he works. he needs to stop taking calls from her at work # 1. get 1 phone. may it be a cell phone or land line and give her one number that she can call so that she can get in touch with him. don't give her any e-mail addy or nothing one phone number that is it. tell your husband and start this yourself limit your ya'lls communication with her through that one phone. don't bend over backwards for her anymore. if your husband needs you to watch and babysit your step daughter b/c he has to work or what ever and it's his week with her then help him out. but do not offer your help to her b/c of what ever her reasons are b/c she is playing you like a pawn and you and your husband let her have too much control. yall need to take control. STart documenting and recording her there are cheap devices you can buy b/c once you start limiting your communication with her is when she is going to lash out b/c she ain't getting her way. and my husband ex elbitcho tried pulling that its our daughter nothing to do with her bullshit but if you are caring for their child then you do have asay so and if hubby ain't around and your babysitting the kid then have him make her and you force her ass to have to deal with you when picking her up and such or else don't watch her anymore.and tell him that he shouldn't be so easily scared off by whatever tactics she uses he has rights to see the child then until he has reached all the requirements underlaw that defines child abandonment in that state she can't refuse to let him see the child and ya'll can protect yourself by buying those recorders from radio shack and tapeing her ass making any kind of threat about not letting him see his kid. ya'll need to take control of ya'lls situation and start protecting yourselves. she sounds exactly like my husbands elbitcho! when you get tired of her shit and her running and being in the middle of ya'lls lives email me i give ya more good advice

drgnfli71's picture

I really appreciate your comment Hopeful. My hubby's ex is a mess. But, I have made the decision that I will control my behavior, be the better person and example for her children. They see her lie and manipulate, from me they will see somthing different. Both my hubby and I have agreed that we will help these kids learn right from wrong, by not putting her down as she does us, but by example. No, I don't like her and she treats me horrifically, but in front of those kids - I try to be the bigger person. Fortunately for me, I do have the support of my new hubby. I give you kudos for knowing who you are and for being in control of you.

Anonymous's picture

You try to be the bigger and better person? However you continue to say you dislike thier mother, well that's thier mother! Also you mention she lies and manipulates...?? Still this is thier mother, You are a mother...correct?? >> The better person would realize this.

Cruella's picture

The better person would realize what a wonderful and selfless person a Step Mom is sacraficing her own needs, time, and money to children that aren't hers and RAISING them when the BM mother is around the world sitting by a swimming pool enjoying her luxury life. The Better person would realize that children can love more than just Mom and that a child has the capacity to love a lot of people. The better person wouldn't lie and manipulate just to get her way even at the cost of her child. A Mother is more than just being biologically bound to a child but the person actually taking care of the children and making sure all their needs are taken care of and make sure that they are loved. A better person would not show their child how to hate because their own shortcomings!!! No offense but obviously you are not a real mother.

Anonymous's picture

I feel exactly the same way....I love his kids....but their not mine why put myself through this, I should just focus on my daughter ( who I had in a previous relationship) How did leaving him even though you loved him work out for you?

Anonymous's picture

i wish i was that strong. I am struggling to make that change for my own sanity but I cant find a way to do it. Help?

Anonymous's picture

Hi there, I have been reading some of these responses, and they all have something in common. That is, husbands or boyfriends allow the ex spouses behaviour. However, there is something all of you can do. Live your life the way you want it. I have just decided to do just that. My husband and I live apart. I have five children and he has one. We have very different parenting styles. We do have an ex wife that is furious and bitter at his new marriage. She would love it if we lived together. I refuse to for that reason. I also have taken the step to say that my husband, her now exhusband, has a key to my house and that he use it. I don't want to know about his life with her now, and that will mean for the next ten or twelve or so years that we don't have holidays together, and that he just comes over. It has been hell for me up to this point. She just gets nastier. I cannot cope. And he could tell her to get a grip, but will not, and she would only get worse. We all have one thing in common. We love these men in our lives. They love us as well. Just remember that. Don't play her game. You can keep away from them. Just change it. Dates are great. Let him deal with the ex. that is my advise. If this doesn't work for me, I will let you guys know. I think it will.

Paula's picture

How do you not let the ex-wife get the best of you? I get so angry and it eats at me. Any advice on how to keep calm, cool, and collected are very welcome.

LBAT's picture

1. Always take the high road
2. Kill her with kindness. Even if you have to fake it. If your ex is angry, she will not be able to stand the fact that you are calm, cool, collected, logical, and polite. When you have to interact with her, think happy thoughts or at the very least, see her for the humorously unhinged person that she is.
3. Minimize your interactions with her.
4. Make sure you have the support of your SO, otherwise, you'll have an unnecessarily difficult life.

alongfortheride's picture

Looks like you wrote this a decade ago but your post relates to my situation. I am considering getting my own place because I am not comfortable with the influence the ex-wife has over my fiance and I do not feel like I have his support when setting boundaries. I would be interested to know if the separate houses worked for you. Thanks!

Gwen929's picture

I am going through the same stuff. I met my boyfriend at the beginning of his divorce...his ex has been a monster through it. She had him whipped at first, then when i came into the picture he realized he had rights. She didnt really want the took me getting pregnant for her to finally file. In the mean time i had found a decent lawyer and we were going to file. She thought she had all this control and file emrgency junctres etc...her and her attny were laughed at (pretty much) in court. my boyfriend settled things in mediation (ate a few things) so we wouldnt have to spend more money dragging it through the court system.

Things were fine for a bit...she found a new boyfriend she can live with and he is practically her live in nanny like my bf used to be. all throughout my pregnancy she played games with my bfs daughters (5 and 3 yrs old) and told them things like my son wasnt really their brother etc. Since he has been born she tells the older one she wants to see pictures etc... These childish games are awful. I come from a divorced family I know how hard it is living the life let alone to have your mother act like a 15 yr old. I see pain in his 5 yr olds eyes...there is nothing we can do. she sometimes makes comments and if she thinks its something she shouldnt have said she says never mind. Her mother claims not to drill them and ask questions but you can tell she is drilled.

we have asked the ex about family couseling and she ignores it. i guess she comes from a family of perfection and if you go to counseling you have issues. well news flash this 5 yr old has serious issues. Not only with the games her mother plays but with the fact that she moved in quickly with a man she started dating and his 2 children.

I tell my boyfriend all the time...his biggest mistake is not taking those kids to begin with. She only has them for the child support. But before the divorce we had them quite often sometimes more than half of the time...when she found out that would lower her support she changed the schedule to every other weekend. Then she says its not about the money.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. Its been tough...and its going to be this way. My bfs attny even saw that she wasnt over him...and me being 9 yrs younger pisses her off too. Like she said "he would be better off in a river" yeah so she could claim life insurance and fill her purse...then send the kids off to boarding schools.

I wish some of these parents could see how delicate these children are. and games like this makes them grow up with major issues...and sometimes not liking the parent who is so negative.

Anonymous's picture

I completely understand. I met my bf before he left his ex. We were pretty good friends, and when he left, I let him move in my house temporarily until an apartment that he found was ready to move into. In the process of this his ex went up to the company that we worked at and got us fired. So he wasn't able to get the apartment. Eventually we started dating, once we realized how much in common we actually had. Things are great between us. But his ex is basically refusing to let him see his 3 year old daughter because we moved out of state so he could have a better career opportunity. Before we moved we saw his daughter every other weekend, but she was not allowed to spend the night at our house. Her mother refused to allow her to be around me. Every night that we would take her home, she would scream and cry because she didn't want to be with her mother. I felt so bad for her. For a long time, she would call my cell phone and harass me all hours of the night. She also called his cell phone all hours of the night, crying that it was all my fault for her divorce. Now we live on the west coast, and my bf tries to call his daughter every weekend and most weekends his ex refuses to let the little girl talk to him cause she gets mad and hangs up. They went to mediation, and she has refused every type of visitation agreement. I am 6 months pregnant and have a hard time dealing with her crap sometimes. My bf is very supportive of me and my feelings of everything, and is trying so hard to get it all finished so we can move on with our lives. We are doing our best to get custody at least half of the time, because she is alienating the daughter, and trying to replace him with her new bf. I don't know what else to do, but try and stay as calm as possible so something doesn't happen to me or our baby before it is born. I stay out of everything as much as I can, but she always drags me in it. The worst part of the whole things is that she says that she does everything for her daughter, but it always turns out to be about her and the child support money that she gets. I think if it was about the little girl then she would be a little more considerate of how the daughter feels.

Anonymous's picture

Hi, BF's ex sounds very unstable. If you don't mind, I am wondering what she did to get you both fired?

Anonymous's picture

Well, she just kept going up to the HR department and calling them bugging, making false statements. I let him rent a room in my house because I had 3 bedrooms and I lived by myself, until he got a new apartment. She went to the HR department and harrassed them until they fired us. She is very unstable. It has been over a year now, and she is still refusing to allow his daughter to come and stay with him. But she calls his family and cries because he won't finalize the divorce until he get's to see his daughter. She at least doesn't call as much anymore. But when she does she is very rude. I have basically given up on anything that had to do with his daughter, because she doesn't even know who I am anymore. I just decided, that I am going to worry about our daughter that is due in 6 days, and when the custody is decided, I will get to know his daughter again.

Little Jo's picture

I'm new here. After last nights drama with the ex, I started looking on line for help. Bob & I have been living together for a year now. I have 1 17 Year old Daughter. He has 4 girls between 9-16. I lived through the drama of the break-up, the divorce and blending the kids.
His oldest came over for the first time a few weeks ago. Sweet Kid. But she believed all the lies her Mother told her. I have been called the most colorful things. After meeting me she realized I'm not like that and her Mom gives her very tainted stories. Basically the x is a liar, manipulative and feels the whole world owes her. One thing I have realized is that the kids are smarter than I thought. Through genuine talking and truth, they understand.

azbutterfly's picture

Hi Dawn..I am writing about my BF and having to put up with his ex. I have been with him for 3 1/2 years and the whole way I have had to deal with the ex and her filthy names she calls me. She has made sure that she drove a wedge between me and her children and has repeatedly tried to physically fight me and verbally attack me. My problem is that my BF does nothing to stand up for me. He defends her unprovoked attacks and says that I should just learn to deal with it and get along with her. One month after we began dating he paid for her to have breast implants. I have reached such a depression about this and feel like i'm on the OUTSIDE..She informed me that he told her he would never marry me and he talks about me to her (usually making me the butt of their jokes).. I have asked him why he doesn't just move on and his only reply is "i love you". Alot of my friends have told me that he "has the best of both worlds"..just need someone to talk to..

Anonymous's picture

that's crazy i have to deal with that too, like you i don't have any of my own children however my boyfriend of almost a year has three, 9,6,and 2. his ex wife hates me and i don't care for her either, she manipulative, psycho, and i'd like to kick her a**, im sorry for my vulgarities but this woman is set out to ruin our lives.i met my boyfriend at a store we both worked at, he was a manager and i an associate. i met him when he was going through the separation process, not the actual divorce. they put out the divorce papers a few months into our relationship. they just recently got legally divorced, and im so happy for that, yet this woman is acting so immature. im a lot younger than they both are, so she calls me names from bit** to Slut. and everything in between. and i dont do anything for the sake of the children, i love those children like they are my own, but never do i want to replace their mother, as much as i hate her, i would never want to do that. so i don't know what to do, im the person who has a bad temper when it comes to people who have no RESPECT,and because she has physical custody over the children we get three nights a week with them but for a whole month she denied us the children because i told the children that i love them and care for them. how ridiculous is she.she rather me hate them and treat them bad than for me to care for them with everything i have.cant believe how pathetic she is

darlene f's picture

it is rather comforting, in a sad sort of way, that other people are dealing with "satan", too. i have always tried to find the good in people, but even in my "old" age, i am discovering that there really are people who relish in making other people's lives miserable. my children are grown and are successful, happy adults. and i have remarried a man, i'll call him E, a few years younger than myself with three children (one step) of his own. the oldest (step-daughter)is married. before i "got into the picture" my husband, E, and his wife, L, were in the process of getting a divorce. she was having an affair (her second) for a year before she finally left for her now husband, S. i wasn't around at this point but i have heard from every member of my husband's family, that L never helped her oldest daughter get ready for her wedding. L was too busy talking to S on the phone, that the entire wedding party was looking for L because it was time to cut the wedding cake. L showed up 10 minutes before the bridal shower was over to "make her appearance". L's own sister is angry at her because of all the stupid antics she does and for recking her family. L has discovered that, S, this "wonderful person who makes her laugh" is an alcoholic. now, i believe that she is so angry at herself for making a huge mistake, she attacks me. i have received vicious messages via the phone where she verbally attacks my catholic religion, (and she claims to be a christian), the way i handle the children, that i am brainwashing the children, to anything she can possibly think of. she even purchased an internet program to try to find "dirt" on me. when she couldn't find any, she decided to make stories up and tell the children she has proof that i am a so and so, or i did this or that. she also used the computer program at her work, a car dealership, to find information (which is totally illegal - but try to prove it) from license plate numbers to try to dig up trash. the children have told me this. the 13 year old daughter found pornography on the family computer and naked pictures of the husband on the same computer. L dismissed it as everybody takes naked pictures of their spouses. the 13 year old was disgusted. her husband is a control freak and tells the children that he won't go to any school plays or functions because he won't be in the same room with me. he even lied and told L, my husband's ex, that i was flashing him my "b--bs" and flirting with him when he dropped off the 13 year old to the summer camp at my church. i can't stand people who create drama. life is tough enough without having to deal with someone elses chaos. my husband knows she is crazy and he too is sick of the games and the garbage coming from their house. it is amazing how someone who wanted to leave cannot move on with her life. in my mind i realize that she is jealous and angry because she is miserable and E and i are very happy and E has never been happier and their mutual friends let her know that. my husband has repeatedly told her to stop bashing me to the children, to stop harrassing me and calling our house unless it is an emergency, and to stop creating problems. it stops just long enough to start up again. we have blocked all three of their phones at night so they can't call us at midnight anymore, but unless we want to purchase two cell phones for the children, we were told by our attorney that she has to have access to the kids. my husband totally supports me and feels so bad that i am getting subjected to "his baggage". it is very difficult to try to get full custody. it is very hard to prove the "bad mom" stuff when they do just enough to get to the line, but never quite cross it. we got a call from the 16 year old the friday before mother's day, to pick him up because he wouldn't get in the car with his mom because he thought she was drunk again. she was angry that her son wouldn't get in the car and she got out of the car and chased him through the bowling alley calling him you "f-----g pu--y". she actually hit an employee of the bowling alley and called her an "f-----g slut". the girl didn't press charges, but a police report was filed and L was given a trespassing warning never to come back. our attorney says not enough to get full custody. the kids can't stand the step-father, S. the kids have told me repeatedly that they don't understand why their mother hates me. i have done nothing to her. she has concocted many stories, but active addicts will never take the blame for their actions. they clean up long enough to appease the children that they are getting better, and the shoe drops again a couple of months later. this has been going on for 3 years. again, in my mind i know the truth, but there are times when i want to throw a good verbal punch at her. sometimes, ignoring all the drama, chaos, and verbal vomit that is directed at me is very, very hard to do. this dialogueing has helped a little. at least, i am able to vent and know that there are many of you who are getting beaten down by self-centered, nasty people who are hurting their children in the long run. doesn't anyone believe in "what you sow is what you reap" anymore? some people call it "karma". it is amazing to read about how many horrible ex's there are, especially when they were the ones to move out in the first place. eeegads!

Cindi's picture

Bitter ex Wives,,,, what more do you have to say. My defacto and I have been together for 4 years now and living together happily and she cant stand me. Despite everything i do for the kids and how much they love me.She is jealous, because i am 4 year younger That he is happy and loves me. That I help him out with the kids. She trys to control everything from bedtimes to what they watch on TV at our house. She doesn’t split things like xmas with us. She is very manipulative she will be really nice too him and try to exclude me but he doesn’t let her. I think it is really sad a woman of 36 cant move on. She is sending all these sms messages about her opinions on him and he just tells her to mind her own business. She sees me as direct competition for him and the kids. I wont let her ignore me if she trys to chat to him I will speak with her and try to be nice. Because she is being immature trying to pretend I don’t exist. The kids are only young so all they can remember is me being around. It is sad but hopefully she will find a man to sink her devil horns into and leave us alone. We try to laugh a lot… here is a list of bitter ex wives

Ex-wife seeks to control ex-husband's time with their children.
Ex-wife dictates who should/shouldn't be around the children, ex- wife may seek to have 2nd wife, girlfriend, grandparents excluded.
Ex-wife to make child contact as difficult as possible - offer the children up for contact when she knows the ex-husband is working then accuse him of being an uncaring father when he can't see them at short notice.
Ex-wife insists she will not do any driving on contact days.
x-wife using the children to send messages to ex-husband and his family.
Ex-wife bad mouth ex-husband/wife/girlfriend/family and make children repeat it.
Ex-wife makes young children aware of court action, CSA etc.,
Ex-wife ridiculing ex-husband in front of the children and encouraging them to do the same.
Ex-wife tells the children they don't have to listen to their father.
Ex-wife insists on calling the children on their mobile phone while they are supposed to be relaxing and enjoying their time with their father yet blocks any calls ex-husband may make to the children.
Ex-wife refuses to give children privacy when their father calls to speak to them; she will listen to the call and coach the child in what to say.
Ex-wife insisting the children call there father by his first name and to call her new boyfriend 'Dad'.
Ex-wife enrols anyone who will listen to her into her hate ex-husband campaign.
Ex-wife gives no priority to ex-husband's time with the children and will organise an activity without discussing with their father.
Ex-wife to make verbal agreements so arrangements are made in advance and then claim it’s not in the court order so it won't happen.
Ex-wife refuses to abide by the court order and considers herself above it all, doesn’t matter how it affects the children.
Ex-wife refuses to 'allow' ex-husband to have any part in the children's education.
Ex-wife blocks ex-husband's attempts to have contact with schools, doctors and dentist.
Ex-wife lies to education authorities telling them her ex-husband is a bad person and that he should be excluded at all costs.
Ex-wife claims everything is the ex-husbands fault and she was totally blameless throughout the marriage.
Ex-wife had affairs during the marriage yet acts like a woman scorned when ex-husband gets on with his life without her.
Ex-wife lies about situations in the marriage and dates.
Ex-wife spying on ex-husband's new girlfriend/wife, hang around his home, and make nuisance phone calls.
Ex-wife obsessed with ex-husband's new life, wife and/or girlfriend.
Ex-wife engages the services of a Private Detective to spy on ex-husband and his new partner.
Ex-wife makes false claims of abuse of the children by ex-husbands new partner.
Ex-wife will claim at every opportunity her ex-husbands partner/wife is unfit to be around 'her' children.
Ex-wife makes false accusations about ex-husband har

DLS's picture

Well I will begin by saying that I have been with my H for 10 years (5 dating and 5 married). He was married to his kids mom and they have been divorced for 20 years now. Their children are 31 and 26 and he had to grandkids who I adore. Problem is is that the ex says she wants him back and she will use everyone and everything to try to manipulate that. She has turned one of my stepkids against me saying that I am nothing but white trash ( this is because when my daughter turned 12 she wanted to live with her dad) so I let her just due to the fact that I wasn't going to come in between there relationship, she has always known that she is welcomed back at any time. She calls my H everyday and he has told her to stop that he has nothing to say, but surprise surprise he still answers the phone. My stepson has called me white trash also and doesn't want me around his kids because that is what she wants but doesn't have enough balls to tell his father this. She will find every excuse to call my H it doesn't matter what it is. She has trashed me to him, belittled me sent me text messages saying that he wants her back and wants her to make love to him when he gets rid of me, how she will be sure to give him a big kiss when she sees us together, how he says that i'm a crazy person. This lady is really psycho she will come up with anything she has destroyed every last one of his relationships by doing this fortunately I am the only one to stand up to her. Problem is I get my husband to see that when he talks to her it just brings drama and everything into our marriage. He says that he talks to her because he doesn't want to jepordize his relationship with his children. I have spoke to both of them (when the other one could stand me) and they both told me noone will ruin our relationship with our dad no matter what. I would like some suggestions about this because I really can't stand this anymore. I almost forgot she also manipulated him into having a family portrait made with her, her kids, and grandkids and posted them on myspace with a title DLS Family 2007. She has been caught in a ton of lies and still comes out smelling like a rose.

Paulie's picture

Dawn, I'm in a very similar situation. My stepson and I get alone wonderfully but his mother HATES for reasons unknown. My husband doesn't say anything to her because he feels my SS is old enough (15) to see the truth for his self. But I feel he needs to say something to the ex wife for the sake of his son being stuck in the middle and the feeling that he has to choose between his mother and step mother. And I also get the feeling that he doesn't have my back by not standing up to her and telling her this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE.

He says she's crazy and narcissistic and it's all about her and she will never see anything but her in any situation. I say if you get in crazy's face and tell her how it's going to be the BS will eventually stop.

wptheme's picture

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queen_bethy's picture

I know how hard this is. The mom of my step son hates me too and has done pretty much the same kinds of things you're dealing with. My advice to you is to continue to love your BF's kids and be as consistant as you can be. Never show that it bothers you. Love love love them. It's not the children's fault their mother is a B***H. One of these days, they will realize the truth when they are old enough to process like an adult. In the meantime, remember that you are the adult and they are children who need love.

Also, something I've had to work on very hard is to remember that the ex-wife is not part of my relationship with my husband. She is ONLY his child's mother and she should not effect your relationship. Work on being supportive to each other and NEVER bad mouth the child's mother to him/her. That will backfire on you - not her.

Good luck! YOu've come to the right place for support! This site is awesome!


Jan's picture

Thank you for writing to me! Its nice to know that there are people out there going through if not the same but somewhat similiar issues with ex wives. I totally agree with you on the part about the ex not being a part of the relationship. But the ex in my picture thinks she can control my BF still, and call all the shots with the kids. she constantly reminds me that they are "THEIR" children and she will speak to him whenever and with whatever she wants to, oh and how she wants too. My BF at times is so naive and will let her run over him, I think this is the part that bothers me the most, because then he complains to me about her behavior and I tell him, she cant do to you what you dont allow, and then I ask him why he allows this behavior from her, and he gets upset with me, in a defensive mode. I just dont get it, sometimes its like I'm damned if I say something and then if I dont, she thinks she runs the show here. Do you have any advice on how to handle that one? LOL. Basically I refuse to even speak to her anymore at all, period. She makes me so uncomfortable Beth that I feel like I cant even attend the childrens sports games or anything, the last game she cause a huge arguement with my BF and me right in front of the children and everyone else, I was humiliated. And as soon as I said something back to defend myself, i looked like the bad guy in front of the kids, if I didnt say anything she would have thought that she could treat me like sh** and I wouldnt have doen anything about it, WRONG!!! i am so torn on what to do, I am trying so hard to just love my BF and the children, but I look at the big picture and ask myself, is this how its going to be for the next 13 years until the youngest child is of age? God I hope not.....write again soon, I would love to hear any of your thoughts and I appreciate the insight.Thanks, Jan

queen_bethy's picture

I think the big thing here is that you entered into his life during a very difficult time. I believe you said in your original post that their divorce wasn't final yet when you met. There is absolutely no way the hard feelings are going to subside just because the divorce is final. There are going to be hurt feelings, arguments, hatred and jealousy. Even after several years go by there is no guarantee that things will run smoothly. It is obvious the ex-wife is not only still hurt by the divorce (no matter who's fault it was, all parties still remain hurt) but is threatened that you are a new mother figure in her children's lives. She doesn't want them to love you or want to be around you. No matter how wonderful you are, she will not ever be able to see that. It takes a HUGE person to feel ok with their ex's new loves and it takes an even BIGGER person to allow their children to love another parental figure. It's hard. Divorce is not a good thing even if the marriage was the most toxic marriage around. It's never good when children are involved.

One of the things your BF might be feeling is guilt over the pain his children are feeling and he might be still trying to get over his own pain in the failure of his marriage. This can cause him to appear to let his ex run all over him, but in reality he may just be trying to avoid making a situation worse by "giving" in to her demands and behavior. I obviously don't know him, so this is a guess. My husband had a similar problem back when I first met him of letting his ex call the shots. It got to the point where he NEVER saw his son because she was pissed about something. It was only when he took control over the situation and was able to move on from the devastation of his divorce that he was able to start working with her instead of against her. And we saw better results for visitations.

I am not saying that my life as a step mother is easy. It is not and it has been the most frustrating and painful experience I have ever had. But I am at the tail end now and see things more clearly than ever. My step son was 3 when I met my husband, now he's 15. Remember that this is all still VERY RAW for your BF, his children and his ex wife. It is going to stay heated for a while until time passes. Time heals many things. Be patient. If you intend on staying with this man forever, you must play the understanding, loving and patient mate. There is no reason why you should have to confront or deal with the ex in much of any capacity, but you will see her because you share children. Let her arrows bounce off you. They are NOT directed at you. They are directed at your BF in an effort to hurt him. This is his battle, but be supportive. Don't lecture him and tell his what he should do. Just love, support and lend an ear. Love his children as if they were your own. Love will speak VOLUMES.

I hope that helps. If you want to talk more, my email is I don't have all the answers, but I've been a step mother for 12 years and I've learned alot from this experience that I hope will help others.


SympatheticBioDad's picture

I just thought I'd throw out this little thanks to Dawn for having the forethought of setting up this great place for stepparents to talk and exchange advice.

I want to also thank Queen_bethy for contributing her wealth of experience as a stepmother to this site as well.

You both are going to be wonderful assets to this site and the entire stepparenting community. Thanks!

2caring's picture

I read your letter. I totally agree with you in your opinions and it works as long as you are dealing with a normal person. I have been remarried for fourteen years. My stepdaughter then was 5 years old. It started with the mother wanting me to babysit maybe in some way thinking I would get sick of it but that did'nt work. I love kids my own daughter was 7 at the time. They became very close. As my stepdaughter became older the manipulation did not stop. Everytime we tied to do something with her there was always an issue. We never seemed to be able to do anything right although when we were in public in front of other people she was our best friend. We gave my stepdaughter every birthday party, every vacation until she was sixteen years old, after that things started to change, my husband did'nt come to see her in her prom gown for one prom and it was the end of the world it was like everything was forgotten. How do memories get wiped out so easily? Like I said if the parents are normal people and put the well-being of their children first, they can grow up to be well adjusted adults. Just recently we have become estranged from my step-daughter because we tried to be parents. she has been drifting from us for quite sometime and when we got sick of her saying she did'nt get our phone messages, and when she did come over she was always very late, we decided to call her on it and she said i don't have to listen to this and left. I never thought it would come to this. 2caring

Terri's picture

This is a hard one because your not married to the guy. Men will not back you up as much if your just the girlfriend. But you may want to revaluate your relationship and where its going.

If your planning to be married, I would NOT empower her. Picking a neutral place for the pick up and drop offs, and certainly not your home. I didn't allow my husband Ex to drive over to our house. It took about a year but finally me and my husband didn't allow her to call even. We put her calls on call forwarding when the son was over, lol. And I only allowed her to talk to me, NOT my husband. She was not allowed to have his work phone or cell number. Those were changed right away, something you need to make sure your BF understands if he is to continue a relationship with you.

We even moved making it more difficult, she couldn't just drive by. So I really think there are easy solutions, but if your with someone who doesn't put your first, it may be time to move on. I got pregnant right away as I was getting toward 35, and that made a big difference also. IMO it is really important for women to take control of these types of situations instead of being miserable.

Good luck because you may have some hard choices ahead, but doing nothing will only make it worse.

Nise's picture

Don’t get me wrong, I think marriage is GREAT…but I don’t agree that there is such a thing as “just the girlfriend”…I was my husband’s wife well before we were married…it was a feeling that we had and he was willing to go to bat for me even before we walked the aisle…so I that note, I do not agree….

Also, your perspective on the ex, I don’t agree with it either…even the most wacked out biomom has a RIGHT to talk to the father of her child about her child…even if they were never married…even if she was just a fling…bottom line is that THEY are the parents of the child and should be “allowed” to speak when necessary…it’s not about putting the new wife first, that is not something that should be required in my opinion….

And quite honestly I do not want to alienate my girls because that are part of my husband and I see them as that and love them for that….even if they were conceived and born out of wedlock…they are a part of OUR family…

Make a GREAT Day!

Terri's picture

Luckily my husband and I decided together that when the ex's child was at our house WE would be the parents period. And what went on at our house was our business, and likewise at her house. Like I said we decided to cut her out of the picture, and simply not empower her. If we did it, others can also choose to, or be miserable. Its about choice, and this worked for us and our family.

Anonymous's picture

We did this but in the beginning bf wouldn't go along. When it got more serious I had to be up front and say I couldn't live that way. I asked him if he wanted a future with me or his ex because he wanted to get married. Was also honest that I didn't know if I could ever live with sc in case he planned on changing that someday. (sc lives with bm) Were now married, have 3 kids together and its worked because X is outta our lives. He decided it wasn't worth it to let X destroy his future.

skye22's picture

Once again thanks!!!!! You said what I was thinking. I really don't understand where this person is coming from since in the bio their is no information.

BEEKSGirl's picture

I loved this response and agree with you. My struggle is that my fiancee and I are building a life together while he still has a life with his four children that live with Mom. They come to town and they all stay in his house....her too. They have much to discuss and dialog often. He is moving into the house next door to her/them to facilitate sharing parenting. GREAT for the kids, easier on the parents and provides stability for all. Yet, I am so jealous. I think that's the right word. Not a fear of them "getting back" but just about another woman being so involved in his life. I hate that I hate this so much. I am trying to be understanding and supportive but I really don't like it. Is that just the territory?

~ Susan

puterlady's picture

My husband and I would LOVE to be able to just get along with his ex. She lives across the world yet the only time she calls to talk to my husband is for unreasonable demands and to be critical of my husband. Her responsiblity for the children just entails writing as small child support check every month so who is she to criticize. Turns out she was only doing this to push his buttons. She was taping the phone calls and trying to draw him into a fight so she can attempt to one day use that in court. You see she is a professional victim. She is a drama queen who has to have some kind of drama happening all of the time. We sit back and wait to see what drama she is cooking up for us. So yes a bio mom and dad should be allowed to talk however be careful. I won't speak to anyone taping me. Not that I am afraid of her I just think it is a personal violation of my privacy period.

Pam's picture

Hey Jan. Somehow I stumbled upon this website and after reading some of the stories, I finally feel normal. I could go on and on with how wicked my BF ex is, but here is the most recent situation that just happened last night.

I'll give you a little background first. I have been divorced for 6 years, 35, no children. I met a wonderful man (Rob) 2 1/2 years ago. His wife left him almost a year before we started dating, moved back to NY with their 6 & 7 year olds. He and I have lived together for 1 1/2 years in Georgia.

I left my ex and as the divorce process was taking place, he found out that I had cheated (not with Rob). I think that I was already mentally out of the relationship, but found someone that gave me the confidence to leave. Very similar situation with Rob. His wife left, moved to NY with their 2 kids, found out he had cheated, then she filed for divorce. This happened before he and I had met.

His ex is still a very bitter woman. I have been to NY with Rob to visit with his children and they have been to Georgia once (with their mother) to visit with us. Their children like me, accept me, etc. They are aware that we live together, sleep together, and know that one day we will probably marry. DURING THE 2 1/2 YEARS I HAVE BEEN WITH Rob, I HAVE NEVER MET THE EX! It is as though she wants to believe that I do not exist. She has had 2 "serious" relationships since their divorce, but still seems to be bitter about me. There has been several situations that she feels the need to not include me.

Last night: I found out through Rob, that his ex has a best friend that lives in Georgia that is having marital problems. Jenn would like to come visit and bring the children. She called my boyfriend to ask for a "favor". Would he come to the airport (45 miles away) and pick her and the kids up? He advised her that he did not feel comfortable answering that question until he spoke with me. She was very upset with this answer. "Why did he have to come ask me"? When he came to me with this question. I told him that would be a great opportunity for all of us to meet together for the first time and he should call her back and tell her that the two of us would be more than happy to pick her and the kids up from the airport. She was very angry with this solution and ended up hanging up on him last night when he told her this. I felt that I should be able to go with him to pick her and the kids up. Why shouldn't I?

Am I wrong for feeling that I should be included in this? I'm sorry that she was hurt. I did not hurt her. He did. It was 3 years ago. I didn't even know him then. I understand that she feels this way about me because I am a part of him. Shouldn't she grow up and get over it? We are adults here. We have all been hurt. We have all been cheated on, but life goes on.

I feel like she is trying to run mine and Rob's relationship too. When we visit the children or they come to visit, he and I have to sleep in seperate rooms. It makes no sense to me because the kids have asked me, Rob, and their mother if Rob and I live together and also do we sleep in the same bed together. We have all answered yes to these questions.

One piece of advice that will not help is to advise me to try to contact her myself. This does not work and will not work. She will not speak to me. She has told Rob that all communication should be between the two of them and no "third parties" are welcome by her.

Please help me with advice. I am pulling my hair out on this.


KS's picture

Been there done that. My husband would NOT stand up to his X either. He said the reason was that she would take her anger from him standing up to her on his son. I believe that wholeheartedly too...if you knew my hubby, you wuld know that he is honest...sometimes too I WILL tell you that after going through the same thing that you are going through for months, I finally stood up to her and told her that this was MY house and I was not going to have her acting that like here!! I guess it must have partially worked, because she left and hasn't called or been back for over 2 months now. She is just now starting to come around to see her 18 year old son....she won't come when we are home which bothers me...don't want her IN my house when we arn't here. BUT...should she start her crap again, I will stand up to her again and say what i said before....this is not HER house, it is mine! hope this helps....KS

april's picture

When my husband and I got married one year ago, his ex-wife wanted to know what the rush was. They had been divorced a year before we got married. The ex and their child lives in WV, we live in TN. It is a 6 hour drive therefore the divorce papers say they will meet half way which still ends up being a 6 hour drive both ways. My husband works very long hours and the only way to see his son is by me going to pick him up. His ex hates this, she hates me. I am no longer allowed to call her to set up meeting times, she will not talk to me. She calls my husband at work, usually to talk about their son which is cool but almost always leads into other things. She wants him back and she lets him know this. He says he has told her that he is happy and he loves me. He also says that she calls me "trailer trash". She doesn't know anything about me and that is far from what I am. How should I handle this? I'm at the end of my rope with her but I know that is what she wants. I love my husband more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and I don't want to lose him. He hates her so I'm not really worried, I just want her to leave him alone.

Thanks for listening (reading).

SMIT's picture


Please don't let his ex-wife's insecurity get the better of you. I know, easier said than done... but worth the effort! Clearly, you have to be the adult because she certainly can't. If she doesn't know that she bothers you, it will only make it worse for her--so don't let her know!!! I hope that your husband backs you up. I know he has to maintain a somewhat good relationship with her so that he'll be able to see his kid, but YOU are his wife and your homelife must be one with a united front. YOU TWO are partners for life and, believe me, it burns her to no end that you're making it when she didn't make it work with him. Hang in there!

SMIT Smile

Anonymous's picture

I can't believe I am reading this!! Thank God I am not alone. All of you are lucky! I have the phony, sneaky, hyprocritical one. She pretends she is your friend, and then throw digs and remarks at me. I have been with my bf for 4 years and he and his ex have been divorced for 10 years. She has since remarried and adopted a child with her new husband...but she can't let go of him! And my bf is still friendly with her family too. It drives me crazy. Every little league game, school play, function, where we are both there, whenever her husband is not there, she makes a bee-line for us and she stands next to him and acts like she is still his wife and I am her best friend. But then she gives digs to me all the time. Never in front of her daughter, but in front of her son she does. Whenever her family is around, its even worse. She calls so much attention to herself, she makes it look like my bf is there for her..when its really for her kids. BUT she never ever does it front of her husband. And the funny thing is she withholds the kids from him, until its convenient for her. It drives me crazy, because everyone knows she is a sneaky conniving witch. But the worse part is she does not let the kids come to my house,or in my car and the kids do not go on vacation with us. Then her daughter was calling me and her daughter got in trouble. The icing on the cake was when I was on vacation with my bf, and he called me by her name...I was like that's it!! So I am one foot out the door, until I see a change.

Stephanie's picture

Four months ago I met my BF. I have never been married and I don't have children. He has been divorced for nine months, separated for two years, and has an almost 3 year old son. His ex was fine up until a week or so ago (when we suspect her *married* BF dumped her) and all of a sudden all hell broke loose and she was outside his house at 2 am (with the sick baby in the car) screaming and crying that she wanted him back and their son deserves a family and what was he doing with a girl at his house. And she left him, for the aforementioned married BF. My BF has since shut down. He won't talk to me about it, and he has changed plans with me and won't let me come over to his house because he doesn't want her to freak out again. I am completely in love with this man. He's an incredible person and just the best father. We have had the best relationship up until now. I want to stick it out and be there for him, but I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions anyone can offer me on whether to sit tight or abandon ship, I need advice.

finding my happy place's picture

Im not sure theres enough info here to be able to say too much, for me anyway.. but youve only been with this man for 4 months, hes been seperated for 2 yrs until a divorce which kind of sounds like he or they werent too sure on a divorce * maybe* until she maybe hooked up with someone and finally went thru with it? im guessing here so please understand if im way off base.. but if he changed plans with you over one night of drama.. id pretty much come to the conclusion that something between them isnt over... and he is putting her WAY before you. Another thing to consider, not to make light of your feelings but 4 months is still shiny and new, and to must people they new bf or gf is the greatest thing since white bread when its so new ... everything seems great and everything is soo wonderful... but heres a shot of the real.. he just cut you off.Id take that as a taste of the future if he ever * allowed* you to come back over? Come on , look at that right there.. you are adults but you arent allowed to come over because of an EX WIFE? YOU deserve better!!!

Terri's picture

First of all you need to get your husband to NOT take her calls at work. My husband changed jobs and we were careful not to let her get the number. Also, my husbands ex was not allowed to talk to him. She had to make any arrangement with me, and yes I also went and picked up the kid. His ex just FINALLY gave up because my husband put me first.

If you guys really have to talk to her, only give her a certain number that she is allowed to call on, another cell ect. where you are present. Sounds like your hubby will agree to this. Also - imo he should not be talking to her from his work, he can tell her he's not allowed anymore personal calls, but believe me you need to nip this one right away. And continue to pick up his child, or you both go together, he does not need to go alone.

Anonymous's picture

OMG, it is so good to find a group that is going through the same thing. I too get called trailer trash, and I don't even live in a trailer. Not only do I have one Ex wife I have to deal with but I have two! My BF gets Christmas presents from one and Christmas cards from the other. I'm not talking little presents I'm talking about extravagant presents.. expensive gifts. She makes a lot of money being a doctor and I work for a non-profit organization. Oh wait I keep forgetting "They are the mother of my children" thats what he says. Bull S**t, they both send him emails and the second ex- calls him at his work she won't call when she knows he is with me.. I don't get it. She admitted that she wanted him back. I am so frustrated with him and her.. they just need to move on with their own lives. He says that I worry too much and that he has no control over what they do. But I see otherwise...

Why do we put up with these kind of men that won't stick up for themselves? Why do we put up with men that are run by the ex? Why do we stick around?

Anonymoustoo's picture

I know exactly how you all feel. I thought maybe I was just really bad at being a stepmom but it's obvious the problem isn't me. First the ex wife wanted to be friends with me but since my husband and I have a son, she is so jealous, she only has girls, but a son from a one night stand and was so angry when she found out. She called all the time just to ask how my pregnancy was going but I wasn't comfortable sharing something so intimate with her, especially since this is my first child. She constantly calls about nothing and gets so mad when I answer the phone in my own home. I get so angry at times I think of removing myself completely from the situation when his children visit but I don't want to really do that. I just want peace. Any suggestions.

cmc's picture

interesting..i feel your pain dear...only i have you beat with the trailor trash, according to her im a "white trash crack whore"...its def a bitter ex wife...we have been together for almost two years and they have 2 young kids together..the ex's think that if they werent happy together that he cant be happy with anyone..i know that my boyfriend doesnt want her , he has made that very clear, but these women just dont get it..they just need to swallow their shallow pride and move on for goodness sake..i know if a man told me he loved someone else and didnt want to be with me, i wouldnt make a fool of myself and keep trying??..but thats where jealousy comes in...the anger and physchoness is only out of jealousy..if she was ok with herself and had some self esteem, she wouldnt feel like she had to try and cause trouble for you two..MISERY LOVES COMPANY..and all i can say is, poor bfs kids are 3 and 8 and are soooo smart..the girl absolutely loves me and loves being with us, and i know that kills her...ive never tried to be the momma because i never will be...its the fact that she still wants him that bothers her and she uses the kids to get to scares me to know there are more of her out in this world..because i have never ever in my life met anyone like her.....i dont have any advice for you except be the bigger person and smile and bear it, that will make her more mad to know that she cant get to you or phase yours and his happiness..the less she knows about yalls relationship, the better....its none of her business....she may have used "im their mother" everything is my business..but thats not true...the children are her business and she is trying to use that to come between you like to think prince charming will come along and sweep her off her fat feet and marry and lavish her so she will move on already lol...good luck... Smile

Catherine's picture

Hi all,

I am currently living with my partner whom I love very much. He and his ex are currently in the process of getting divorced (this has been going on for about 8 months). I met him a year to the day that his ex decided to separate. She lived in his house for 6 months after the date of their legal separation, then moved out into a friend's place. She lived there for a couple of months waiting for her new lover to leave his ex wife and then moved in with him.

My partner and I met last year and because of tumultuous circumstances my daughter and I became homeless. He opened his home to us and we stayed here for 6 weeks before I was able to get my own apartment. During that 6 weeks she called her children three times and took them to spend the night at her place twice. Since she has known about my relationship with the kids father, she has been more attentive to the children to the point of being intrusive. She started calling every day, and picking the children up whenever it suited her. She would walk into our home (we live in his previous marital home) and the otehr day she took something she said was hers out of here without asking myself or my partner. I finally told her the other day that walking through my home was not acceptable and she was not welcome to do that anymore. She fought with me and yelled "those are MY children".

I still do not want her in my home. I don't know her; she is a stranger to me and I am not comfortable with strangers having free run of my home. Yesterday she had the kids for an evening visit and when she dropped them off (at 9:PM) she went upstairs to tuck them in to bed. I don't know of any parent that forces herself over boundaries like she does. I told my partner that I didn't want her to do this and I was told I was being unreasonable. He thinks she should be able to come into my home and tuck his kids in because she is insecure with her relationship with the children. He forgets that there is another child (my daughter) that has a routine too. When she is in this house and goes where she pleases, I feel like I am not welcome here; that my wishes don't count. Should I be so pissed about the fact that she tucks the kids into bed in my house, or am I being ridiculous? Any feedback would be helpful and thanks for reading this.


CC's picture

You are not wrong in how you feel. I think that if your BF cares about you at all he will put your feelings before hers. I understand those are his children and they share them, but I can tell you from experience that needs to stop or it will ruin your relationship. I have an ex-husband and I would not want to go into his home as he would not want to come into mine.
I had kind of a similar situation with my new husband. His son is 21 and we built him a new room because we both have two children. Anyways. His ex-wife wanted to come into our home and help decorate it. I told my then fiance that there was no way. That I put a lot of time and energy into that room and no way was she coming in. He agreed with me and that put an end to that.
I think your BF is trying to keep peace which is usually what the men do but they have to realize that there are other things at stake when you try to keep peace.
An ex-wife should have boundaries. And even though you are not married there is a respect issue. The ex is trying to show that she still has control.
The kids sadly are the ones who suffer. And to me that is sad. I think that maybe you should talk to her. If you two are adults I am sure you can reach some understanding.
My ex-husbands GF and I get a long great and we talk about my children. I set the record straight from the get go. Treat my kids good and I have no problem. What happens with you and him is none of my business. My kids are the important thing. When he began to date my daughter had a hard time. We have been divorced for 7 years and she was worried about how I would feel. As her mom I reassured her that everything was going to be fine.. That I was happy about it. He deserved someone as well as I.
The one thing I do not understand about ex-wives (not me) but they want the divorce until they see the other person happy.
My husband defended his ex in the beginning and then I just had enough. I put my foot down. It is one thing to talk about the children and to me once they are of legal age you have problems you deal with that child. And maybe I am crazy thinking that.
I am the ex who does not call the ex unless my child is hurt or something. I am a single parent and deal with everything on my own. When my children and I have a disagreement I do not call him I deal with it. My choice in becoming a single parent.
I think your best bet is to try to sit down and explain your feelings to him and if he still does not see what you are getting at. Tell him your ex would like to come over and tuck his daughter into bed because he is insecure about there relationship. If they would only put the shoe on the other foot.. They would then understand..
If you two love each other it will all work out. But taking all of that is not fair to you.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. However, I wouldn't let the ex in my home to tuck in my stepson. In fact the ex usually doesn't even get out of the car. She has only been in our foyer and that is it. The same goes for her house. Going in any further is just intrusive. Especially if there is another person(spouse or significant other) involved.

If the kids are past a certain age they can understand why mom tucks in at her house and dad tucks in at his house.

Your partner needs to put himself in your place. Would he like another man that you had a child with to come in to your house likek he owned the place? I bet not!!


Catherine's picture

The kids are 8 and 10--old enough to understand that their mother can tuck them in at her house and we can tuck them in at ours. The problem I am having is with my partner who doesn't get it and thinks I'm being irrational. I've done some more reading and it's boundaries we are having a problem with. It seems to me that neither my partner nor his ex wife seem to quite grasp the concept that there is no more "nuclear family". We are like two families living under one roof and it's really stressful on me and my little one. I am glad though that someone else agrees with me about her coming into my home. Now I know I'm not being ridiculous. Thanks again.


happy mom's picture

She is irritating, always emailing my husband about custody schedules, changing it all the time to fit her schedule. Asking my husband for financial advice. I just can't stand her being in our lives.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Since my husband got custody of my stepson almost 4 years ago, things have been better. However, with the way things were before.....I hear ya!!!! We still have issues but it is better!

I bite my tongue a lot! But hey........that's why I created this site!! So maybe something good came out of it! (Besides the fact that I am hoping that I am a good influence on my stepson, of course!)


Anna's picture


I have recently been having arguments with my BF about his wife (hopefully soon to be ex-wife), and just didn't know where to turn- then I discovered your page! I'm just looking for some help/advice really.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now He sepearated from his wife just before we got together. We have been living together (renting), but we are buying a house together now. He has 2 kids (4 and 7), who I get on with just fine, but the wife is the real problem. She calls him all the time (usually using the kids as an excuse) and talks to him about stuff going on in her life (job/parents holidays etc) -They still seem to get on great! She moved away after they split up, but has now decided to return to the place we live with the children. She is so lazy, she cannot even be bothered to look for them a house to live in, so my boyfriend has been looking at houses for her (even though she comes up here regularly to visit friends!) She makes plans at weekends so we have "no option" but to have the kids, and we always have to fit in with when she is visiting friends/going out. I feel I have no control of my free time anymore. She has also asked him to help her move house -to which my boyfriend has agreed. He argues that he is doing all this for the kids, but it is HER who keeps asking him favours. She is always impolite to me when she sees me -never says hello or anything, and I the kids have told me on a few occasions that she says she really doesn't like me!
I'm fed up with her being in my face and my life almost every day, but my boyfriend always defends her. I'm starting to feel like he thinks she is a Saint or something! Makes me wonder what she is after and why he split up with her in the first place? hould I still be buying a house with him while he is so into his (ex) wife??? Help!!!!!

happy mom's picture

It seems to me that your boyfriend is still has some feelings for her. You need to sit him down and tell him that you don't like what's going on and wished that he could lessen his attention to her and that to only help his children and not so much what the ex wants. If he doesn't change or limit his availability to her then I suggest you find another man. Sorry to say it so blunt but I wouldn't be able to stand your situation that you are in, it seems like the ex is 1st priority. I just can't live with that. It's just my opinion. He really needs to distance himself from her and think about you.

Trish's picture

I totally agree, It does sound like they both have feelings for each other. She sounds very irresponsible and that's probably why he left her in the first place. I think she is playing the "feel sorry for me card".
Good luck!

Sad Dad's picture

My ex wife wants me back. First of all, we were married 13 years when she started having an affair with a co-worker. She then left me on February 14th, Taking our 9 yr. old daughter. Our 12 yr. old son wanted nothing to do with her for the next year. We had divorced in June of that year and she remarried in August. 6 months later, she promised our son the world, so after Xmas, he moved in with her. I've never forced my children to do anything in this whole situation. I have requested that they "make a phone call once in a while" and to share time with me also. Well, since all this happened, my relationship with my children has been extremely strained. The only time I hear from them is directly before holidays and birthdays. I try to call them and they blow me off. My daughter has called my bad names and is being influenced by her grandmother, which has a vendetta against me because I no longer trust nor respect her daughter. Therefore, I think my children are being turned against me. 5 months ago, my children started to finally talk and be with me and it was great. Until I found out that my ex-wife left her husband and wanted me back. I told her that it would never happen because I could never trust her. Since that point, my children are back to avoiding me. Incidently, she want back to her husband. Anyways, That was 3 1/2 years ago and my ex wife still wants me back. Why? She says that she made a terrible mistake. I feel I can no longer trust her at all. Is this the only way I'm going to get to see my children? I fear that I may have to take her back in order to finish raising and being with my children. What should I do?

unknown name's picture

ex wife wants you back? why... because her affair didnt work out down the road? please.. she broke trust.. i wouldnt give her 2 thoughts! As far as the kids.. if you 2 cant work out some kind of visitation on your own ( good luck ) then get legal help. But..what exactly is the relationship there.. you mentioned that you asked them to call once in awhile? do you not call them? it takes two sides to make a relationship on going.

Terri's picture

Sorry, she only wants you back for financial reasons and no one else is there. Your ex unfortuniately is like a lot of women, when they find a new man they want the dad out of the picture, they want the new mans parents to be the grandparents and so on. Its probably even the norm.

All I can suggest is going to court to try for joint custody and you enforce it and things will change. Make sure you talk to your children about what the real deal is. She obviously has turned them against you, but by all means don't go back with her. Just take control.

My brother was in a similar situation to yours over 10 years ago, we all told him to get joint custody. He didn't, and only saw his kids at various times. It got to the point they didn't want to even visit him, their life was with the mother and he lost the bond with them. Going to get is not fun, but you will lose out if you don't enforce your kids living with you part of the time. Today my brothers son who is 25 doesn't even speak to him. Again make sure you spend as much time as you can with them.

happy mom's picture

To Sad Dad,
What is the custody arrangement? It is important that you have one, that's the only way you can see your children. If you haven't established that then I suggest you should with the court. If I was in that situation, I would not go back with the ex because of lack of trust. Keep on trying to see your kids, make arrangements w/your ex-wife if not, the last thing to do is get a court judgment. Good luck.

amelia 0317's picture

Wow. My problems seem small compared to everyone else's.
My boyfriend and I have been together eight months. A few months ago the mother of his two-year-old told him that she finds it inappropriate that I give her daughter gifts and she wants the gift-giving to stop. This seems to be the only problem that she has with me, so far.
The things I buy for his daughter are for her to keep at my boyfriend's house (I've never sent anything home, as I realize it would upset mom). I buy them because I want her to have toys/entertainment when she is at her dad's house and I'm always there for the visits. I don't present them as gifts, I just buy her "stuff". And "no gift giving" seems to include birthdays and holidays.
Is she being reasonable? Even if she's being unreasonable, should I do as she asks because she is, after all, the mom? My boyfriend has no problem with the gift-giving (he'd tell me if he did), except he does make it an effort to keep them secret from his daughter's mom.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I wouldn't stop buying her stuff! There is nothing wrong with that! Especially if the gifts are kept at your boyfriend's house and they are age appropriate. I personally don't think that it is any of her business!! That is what your boyfriend should tell her! That is crazy!

Don't give in. Biomom just doesn't want the child to think you are nice!

Keep on shoppin!!!


amelia's picture

thanks. i find your reaction reassuring Smile

carrie's picture

i met my husband of two years when he was seperated from his now ex wife. we got together and married six months after his divorce was final. (him and ex have one daughter, 5, together). there are some things that i can't seem to get over... and he believes it's because i am jealous of his ex. for instance, we met in august...and that december i took his car to go to the store and found a wrapped package in the back seat addressed to the ex wife. i opened it and it was a picture frame for xmas. when i confronted him, he told me it was no big deal because they are just used to buying each other presents. (um, the divorce was final two months prior to xmas) then he told me i was insecure and jealous of the ex. even after being married for a couple years, she and him will talk while he's at work and i find out later - he rarely tells me - or there are always emails about 'something' constantly. he changes visitation schedules w/ her without consulting me and tells me that i just need to get over it because he's "compromising" with the ex. he will slip sometimes and call her parents his in-laws still and they still send him cards signed "mom and dad". he wrote them an email after we were together stating that they will always be his in-laws...
what the heck??? any ideas ladies? and when i confront him he tells me to get over my jealousy and insecurities. i'm not either - i just wish he spent that much time thinking about me.

Anonymous's picture

Hmmm...I guess I'm really blessed, b/c my husband would NEVER (has NEVER) even thought of buying presents for his ex. The first Christmas that we were married, his ex gave us a large container of peanuts (I thought that was nice) but really, since then NOTHING (in 8 years) She'll try to incinuate that my husband and she speak often; however, I know better. He tells me every time she calls and even what the conversation was about. Once, I walked in when they were having a telephone conversation & he was really angry, I heard him tell her that the only mistake he ever made was marrying her to begin with!!! (That made my day, week, month and year!!!)I know that he has to have some sort of realtionship with his ex b/c of his daughter. That is a necessary evil as you say; however, I know that he loves me. He's married to me. We both take our vows to each other and to God seriously and I trust him. He has always been truthful. I suggest that you talk to your husband and tell him you're not jealous, just curious. Exactly what made them divorce to begin with? How can he expect to have a new life with you when his old life is still very much active? Let him know how it makes you feel when the cards come from the ex-inlaws. He should have some compassion for your feelings. There's always a sacrfice to be made when you love someone. If that doesn't work consult your pastor.

carrie's picture

i have thought about going to see someone. he tells me that i need to "get over it" and that i'm just so jealous that it is breaking up our marraige. i don't see my ex-husband sending me gifts and i doubt that his wife would be happy if he did. last week i was going through the garage (we moved about 8 months ago) and found a box of things that were definitely from him and the ex - photos, cards, notes, gifts, etc... he had the nerve to bring that box w/ us when we moved to "our" house!! i was so mad and when i confronted him on keeping all the old things from him and the ex, i got the same reaction - i'm just so jealous and he thinks it's just way too funny.
i'm at my wits end - i've talked until i'm blue in the face and he either tells me that the conversation is "over" or that i need to "get over it". i might get counseling for myself - he won't go.

Terri's picture

Well you do have a problem. First of all I would throw that stuff in the garbage, he's with you. I threw out all of my husband ex's, lol. I never told him, but figured he shouldn't miss it!! So do that first.

Also, you need to make a rule, no presents for her and if he needs to talk to her no emails or from work. He will talk to her in front of you if necessary. Those are the rules we made and it worked well. You really need to tell him you are FIRM on this, and she only needs to contact you guys very sparingly, otherwise you can even begin to go through the kids as they get older. Another thing we did, basically cutting the ex from our lives. We made sure she couldn't come to family get togethers, ect.

If your husband thinks its all so funny, you may want to tell him if he disrespects you with other women in secret you will do the same. Just leave it like that, and let him wonder. But you need this to stop and get her out of your marriage. In no certain terms you need to tell him this is a SERIOUS problem for you and the marriage. See what happens, and check on him to see if he oblidges.

Kim's picture

OMG - I would die if my husband bought a gift for his ex. Simply DIE. I just spent the entire day cleaning out the attic of stuff that involved him and her... old tax returns, mortgage statements, etc... even found a pair of diamond earrings that he bought her before she asked for a divorce. Apparently he took them back.. but why? Not like I would want them...
Anyway, I am thinking I am jealous... seeing all the old paperwork formed a time line in my head.. in 1993 they went here fore their honeymoon, in 1994 they moved here, 1996 they moved there, in 1997 they went to this restaurant... (yes he had old credit card statements...) It was frustrating. But I knew it was all in there and thought it had to be cleaned out.
I am glad to see I am not the only one who feels jealous pains.. I am not typically a jealous person. I just feel like I missed out on all the "firsts" - first great job, first promotion, first kid, first house... I wish there were a way to get over it. I know everyone will say that he is happier now, he is a better person because of me, he is spending the "easier" years with me, etc. but I hate being the second wife. The first one still consumes too much time. Any suggestions on how to ignore it all?

Anonymous's picture

Tell husband either get over his emotional ties with the ex and if he can't. Leave and come back when he does. That's if you are still around. He wants his cake and to eat it too !!!!! Too bad for him. It's not that your jealous. Its he can't be a man. Been there done that and if you don't put your foot down, there will be plenty of more hurts for you, and you do deserve better and trust me there are plenty other men out there capable of giving you the love and trust you deserve. Tell him it's your way or the highway.

Angie's picture

Goodness! sounds kinda like my situation. I have been dating my bf for 6 mo. He has been divorced for 2 years. They still buy each other Christmas and birthday presents. When I ask him about it, he says it's from the kids. They have 2 boys ages 11 and 7. They talk about 3 times a day on the phone. I don't know about his email, I don't ask and don't check. I just feel that he isn't over her yet. If she fusses at him, he is upset and depressed for days. He doesn't want to talk to me etc. Angie

happy mom's picture

I'm in the same position as you. The only difference is my husband does not give her gifts. Ex wife emails him re: custody arrangements and she changes it all the time and my husband never use to communicate that w/me, now I have his email set up where whenever she sends an email, I get a copy automatically, so I know what the heck is going on. I gave my husband a big lecture about her changing the schedule all the time to fit her needs. I told him to tell her we've already got plans anytime she changes it. I was very upset about the whole thing. You need to tell your husband how you feel about him giving her gifts. He should stop it in my opinion. It is over between them.

carrie's picture

how did you get the emails automatically forwarded to you? that's great. my husband will only have his ex email him at work because i know his home email. one day he left it up and in the matter of 3 months, i counted 55 emails between the two of them. i seriously think he has a thing for her still. she left him and not he left her. he never told me about those emails. i would think it's over between them but he uses his daughter as a pawn and always tells me it was about her. 55 conversations in three months? i don't think so.

LAURIE's picture

I have been with my husband for 4 years. Now married 2 of those 4. There has always been back and forth tension with his kids and his ex. (she left him for another man). I am the bread winner in the family in fact when I met my husband he was so terribly upside down in debt, yes, I helped him out of it and gave him money for his divorce. I question my self daily on this now, because what if he liked where he was? So now our kids, I have 2 boys from my previous, I am widowed x's 7 years, and he has the 2 girls from his previous, the ages are similar girls:11, 8 and the boys: 11 and 6. My frustration now lies with the lack of respect, the lying, stealing and "Hating" to come to our home, my husband recently informed me that his girls say this each time he picks them up. I have done nothing but give to his girls the exact same that I have given my boys. In fact by boys get less now because I treat them all the same. I am resenting this terrribly now. If they hate coming to my home I feel like telling them "don't". I want to tell my husband to take them somewhere else during visitation. We have them over two days during the week and then every other weekend. I now have anxiety attacks when those days come. I try to avoid coming home. I try to keep myself and my boys occupied outside the home so we dont have to be togehter. It's AWFUL! I don't know what to do. Maybe I wasn't ready to take this on. I thought I was but my heart is now saying no. I do love my husband but it's not fair to resent him and his kids. Any reply would be greatly appreciated.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I guess I am wondering, why they hate coming to your house? Are the reasons things that can be worked on or are they irrational? Is biomom putting ideas in their heads?

Sounds like you need all of the facts and then you all need to have a family meeting.

Do all of the kids get along?


Lori's picture

They don't like coming to our home because they "hate" my boys. They don't want to talk to them or play with them. When they come in the house they go directly to their room. Tonight is a night where we have them for dinner. Before dinner I asked my husband if we could all sit down and talk about how we can make things better for everyone, have all the kids input. His reply, "It won't work", they won't talk except for Chandler who is my son. I feel like that was a dig on his part because they all feel my son talks to much. He's an 11 year old boy, they talk, and I feel if any of them have anything to say then we should be able to talk as a family. He disagreed. He said he would rather have a counselor with us so that their is an unbiased oppinion in the family. No problem, however this has been said in the past. So we all ate dinner and now I'm upstairs and him and the girls are downstairs. He asked me why I always have to dwell on things. I told him that it made me sad that it was so easy for him to blaintly say that his girls "Hate" coming to our house. His reply, "see your bringing up things from the past, quit dwelling on things. I take that as shut up and move on.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

It sounds like your husband just wants to stick his head in the sand and not deal with any of it. I think he is wrong. Some things may have happened or been said in the past but it sounds like the situation is still there in the present and will be there in the future unless something is done. If he doesn't want to have the family meeting and wants a counselor then great. Do the research yourself and find one. Then ask him when you should make the appointment.

I mean it isn't good for your boys to have to live that way. I would want to get to the bottom of it.

Good luck.


lori's picture

Dawn, thanks for your input. Last night was just awful again, and on top of that when he got home from taking the girls home he just went up to the bedroom and went to sleep. This morning, not even a good-bye, see ya tonight, nothing! I'm so angry at myself for putting myself and my kids in this position. I am currently in counseling for all of this. I will attempt to seek family counseling today, I don't even want to be here anymore. I feel used. I don't want to support him or his kids anymore. Why would I want to support a man and his kids who can't even be grown up enough to talk to his wife! There in lies my resentment again. Please write back, it's so nice to have someone to talk to about all this.

Terri's picture

imo you really need to just let it be. Your kids and your husband probably will never like each other. Thats ok, because his kids don't live in the home and you will never be able to force them.

Above all, do not support HIS kids, something I just don't get. Seriously, I would act happy mostly interacting with my own kids, and let his kids stay in their rooms all weekend. Worry about your own kids needs first, emotionally and financially.

Also I bet your husband pulls his head out of the sand when you stop supporting his kids, bet that will be an issue then! When you make changes you'll be much happier imo. Forget the counseling, its not that difficult. Just don't get worked up and don't let them see you mad, this will probably encourage his kids more!! If his kids are mean and rude, just laugh it off and explain oh they must be having a bad day or something. Be positive and attentive, and just ignore their behavior. They will then not have anything to report back to the mother. Again enjoy your home, and don't make it so cozy anymore. Good psychology is all you need.

skye22's picture

I see that you are new here and your history section doesn't give much info. Just wonder how long you've been married. How many children you have your, his, and ours?
I have one bio son (15 months) and one stepson (6 years). We have been married for 4 year but together for 5 1/2.

happy mom's picture

I agree with Dawn, your husband needs to step in and be the man! He needs to teach his children what is right and wrong. Wrong to treat you and your family that way. They need to get their heads straightened out. Husband needs to put discipline on them. Children needs to treat you and everyone else with respect and none of this nonsense about not wanting to come over or interact with you guys. That is so childish and immature. If the exwife is still around, she's got a lot to do with how the children are behaving, probably brainwashing them. Husband needs to get children in line. It is not your job to do that. Hang in there, worse comes to worse if that don't work then just ignore them and live your life to the fullest with or without them.

LAURIE's picture

Well yet another night went by without talking. Im still at work and I don't want to go home. (It's our weekend to have the girls) I just don't want to see them or feel the disrespect. Does that make sense? I went home last night and he saild "Hello", like nothing has happend, Like I haven't said anything about my sadness or disappointment or anything about counseling, family meeting nothing. I went to my room because my home is just sadness to me. I didn't want to cry in front of him because of what he sad. I hold onto things too long, Oh he also asked me if "I ever get over anything". He came up to the room and asked if he could lay down with me. What does that fix? It just made me cry harder when he lied down and within minutes was snoring and sound asleep. Of course I went downstairs and cried again. This sucks! It's supposed to be a great weekend, my oldest son's birthday and I'm sad.

Terri's picture

First of all, most of that is because of the ex I'm sure and whatever is being said over there. Next whatever you do make sure your there the entire time those kids visit. Thats what I did, and they will come less making it more special with your husband and your kids as a family. Don't say anything negative to your husband, except let him know the only reason they don't want to visit is because of his ex and you two can't control that and to just ignore it.

Otherwise, I would be sweet as pie and give everything to my own kids, period. If those girls have rooms there, I would start re-arranging them ect., let your kids play in them or what have you.
Put money away for YOUR kids, and again put them #1. So yes be there, be sweet and soon they won't come during the weekdays, and as they get older, even less on weekends. Just tell your husband their getting older and want to stay around their friends ect. BUT above all be nice, and work on your relationship with your hubby. I even use to plan vacations when his kid was in school just so Our own family could be together, or take a 4 day weekend with just your family minus his kids. I can see you meant well, but the visiting kids usually is a disaster and the kids that live in the home are often resentful of the outsiders. Sad but true, buy your kids special things with the money you earn and make those changes now. Hubbys ex can buy those kids things to keep in their home, so don't feel guilty. They will come less and less as time goes on, just don't make it so comfortable for them.

happy mom's picture

Are you sure you want to see all the emails that goes on? The way you set it up is through outlook and go to tools, select rules & alerts and follow the directions. You might want to mention to your husband that you would like to set it up that way so he is aware of it. If he refuses, then you know that there is something going on behind your back, what is he hiding. My husband is fully aware of the auto forwarding emails from her and back to her. He has no problem with that because he got nothing to hide from me. It all started about the custody arrangements and that I wanted to be informed about the changes she requests.

carrie's picture

thanks for the info on how to do it. when i brought it up to him, he told me there is absolutely no way he would ever allow me to do that - and if i didn't trust him, that is my own damn fault and i need to get over it. then he changed his tune and said that this is his work email and i don't need to be hooked up to his work email. he told me the only reason she writes to his work email is because that is the only one he checks regularly. uh huh. i'm so disgusted by him anymore... we don't sleep in the same bed - haven't in 7 months, we don't have any marital intamacy - maybe one every two months or so when he feels the urge to take care of his manly needs, and we never spend time together. he is so wrapped up in this kid of his that he sees 3-4 times / week and he thinks we're all supposed to be ga-ga over her because he is. i can't stand when she's here - she makes our lives miserable and he's such a jerk when she's around. i'm ranting on.....i know......can you tell what kind of night i've had??

adriana's picture

it's good to hear that there other people out there like me! i have been married to my husband for 8 months, but we dated for a year before that. we have a 1 year old son together and he has a 3 year old girl from his previous marriage. they were together for 4 years. at first i really thought i could handle being the 2nd wife and a step parent, but now i'm not so sure. we only live about 2 miles from his ex & we know everything that she does and vice versa. we used to get along ok, but now she acts like a b**** and my step daughter is starting to be just like her. to top it off my husbands faily still talks w/ her & visits her all the time. we only get the little girl every other weekend, but my husband won't get on to her cause he thinks she won't want to come back, but he gets on to our son for the exact same thing. and i hate going to school funtions because i always get left out and they seem like the perfect family. he says he has no feelings for her, but he always talks about her to other people. i just want to move further away from her ang get on w/ my life w/ my son, but he doesn't want to move away. i'm tempted to just leave him, and raise my son alone.

Ali J's picture

Hi All
What a relief to find I am not alone
I have been married to my husband for 10 months, we lived together for 3 years first and he had been divorced for 3 years when I met him alouthgh the financial side was still ongoing he has 3 kids a boy 11 & 2 girls 12&15.
I first met his kids about 6 months into the relationship when things were really serious (his choice). He brought them to my house one afternoon and the same evening they wanted to finish off a game which would make them late home, I told them to ring their mum and say they would late, she has a really loud voice so I could hear every word from across the room, she said put your dad on, kids hand phone over and she said what are my kids doing with that f*****g whore. I was completely shocked I thought what is her problem, but that was the start of her efforts to cause problems between us and she has literally tried every thing to split us up (I should also mention she is still with the man she had an affar with and left my husband for) i.e.

We took kids on holiday, they take my bag home by mistake, and kids confirm its there but ex says not

Take kids home for 7pm Sunday, ex wont be in because it’s my husbands night out with lads.

I also found out she had been blackmailing my husband over a misdemeanour in his youth and had told the kids things they should have only been told when older, as well as lies.

Threatens to throw kids out, ‘’go and live with your dad who doesn’t want you or love you’’

Ex stopped kids seeing my husband as long as he was with me and when he told her he would take her to court for access rights she said she would report him for child abuse.
Lots more but I could go on forever

When we met and he told me he was divorced with 3 kids I was honest with him and told him I could not stand bad mannered cheeky kids, he told me his were fine, no problem except the middle one could be a handful at times but was a nice kid, he lied, they are the kids from hell. I realise Its not their fault they have a mother who poisons their minds and uses them as weapons also my husband has spoilt them and refuses to parent them (guilt over divorce)

I have now learned to handle the ex. But I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with hurt screwed up kids, but as for dealing with evil ex wives I would say when they are being nasty do the opposite of what they expect and what they are trying to achieve it takes her power away, also learn what makes her tick then you can push her buttons.

Last time she was not home at drop of time, husband goes out as normal and I have kids, she did not like this and so never did it again

Middle child rang to ask could she live with us as mum was throwing her out I told her she was more than welcome (she never came) and kids are no longer threatened with being thrown out.

Sorry to drag on but once you start, hard to stop.

happy mom's picture

Sounds like she is not over the marriage, 3 yrs is pretty long for her not to get over it. She probably still has feelings for him and upset that he is now happy with you... Don't let her bother you unless she comes out and tell you off or something directly to your face. Your husband will have to deal with most of her attitude and you'll likely be just be stuck in the middle of the whole thing. It is difficult when the ex screams and tell all these lies about the children's father or her doing this at the end the children are the only one that is hurt or have an effect on them the most. It's pretty hard to coach the ex wife, she'll do what she for you and your husband...stick together and don't let her get to you, maintain a happy environment with your kids. Hopefully she'll calm down soon, she's probably still single huh? Sometimes when they are single they are worse.

SicandTired's picture

Well i cant believe that this problem is so rampid. i have been with my live in BF almost three years come June. I have serious issues with the mother of his three year old daughter. She is beyond immature and gets on my last nerve. The sight of her sickens me. My major issue is that she treats my BF like crap and he is so naive he allows her to do whatever she wants. She talks to him like a crap and then the next couple of days she calls and everything is fine. she treats him as if he doesnt give his daughter the world. We argue often because he has lied many times in the past when it came to her and how much he actually does for her. he used to pay her bills and her rent and i believe he still might be doing so. She calls all the time all times of the day and night just to talk. she is always around because they hang out with the same crowd of people. so it goes without saying that is a problem when i happen to be around. she feels as if she did some major miracle by having his baby.
he constantly defends her for all of her nonsense. he will be mad and come to me all upset, and the next day she will call needing something and will apoligize. then all is forgiven. UNREAL!!!
he is always worried about her feelings and how she might respond to things. it seems as if she is happy that is all that matters. granted whenever she gets upset she keeps his daughter away, but i feel he needs to grow a backbone and put her in her place. she is mad that he has moved on but she let him go. she knows that all she has to do is tell him some sob story and he will fold. he always claims that he only does for her because of the daughter but in my opinion he does entirely too much. he tries so hard to keep my life with him and her dealing with him separate. I try to explain to him that he only has on life and we are all a part of it in some fashion or form. He gives her priority because of his daughter but yet i am "the love of his life". Even his family thinks that having this child with her was the worse thing hes done in his life. she is a loser!!!!

happy mom's picture

You should sit down w/your BF and tell him how you feel when he gives his ex all the attention. Ultimately, he needs to draw the boundaries on what is his role now that they are divorce. I don't think he sees that boundary. Is he really over her? I would be upset if my husband spent all that time w/her. I recently had to sit my hubby down and told him exactly what I expect of him and where the boundaries are as far his relationship w/his ex wife. Basically the rule is he is not to help her in anything! He is only responsible for child support and that is it. Good luck to you.

frustrated's picture

what a great web site. I'm am so glad to finally see that I am not the only one out here having problems. My fiance and I have been together for almost two years now, we have a beautiful baby girl together whom is almost 3 months old. He has two girls from his previous marriage ages 8 and 6. I have two children from my previous
a girl age 10 and a boy age 8. The weekends when his girls are here
have turned into nightmares. His youngest isn't the problem. His 8
year old is. And so is her mother. She uses her children like pawns
on a chess board. Stratigectly placing them where she wants them.
Right in the middle of our relationship. His ex has the every two weeks syndrome. Every two weeks something new is wrong with his oldest girl. This child has been diagnosed with ADHD, BI POLAR and nowshe says autistic. There is nothing wrong with this kid other than the fact that she is very hyper and her mother can't handle her so she drugs her up so she doesnt have to deal with her.Now we are in a court battle to get custody of the girls for medical neglect.
But this child is unreal. Dad isn't much help, he thinks that letting her have her way to save an arrgument with everyone else is going to help her, because she has it ruff with her mother. So when she is here, she gets her way, everyone else gets in trouble for picking on her. She does nothing but cause arrguments between the kids and she smothers our new born. And when I get upset about that her father defends her saying that she is the only one that wants anything to do with the baby. I say she does it to get dads attention and to anoy me. She had thrown such a fit over our daughters baby swing and constintly putting her doll in it that I finally got fed up and stood my ground and dad said I was being selfish by not wanting her to play with it, so now he has went out and bought her one. It's crazy. Anytime I stand up for myself or the other kids he gets angy at me and will defend her to no end.
When in reality she is really just being a brat to get her way.
I am at a loss, neither one of us know what to do anymore. An we end up in a huge arrgument about her, then he turns it all around and blames me for everything that goes wrong. Any advice would be greatly appriciated.

I was so happy to read this. I thought I was the only one who had a step child who was so awful. He bites his nails, picks his scabs, probably is on drugs and is having sex and he is only twelve!His dad excuses everything by saying the child is an emotional wreck. He gives him every material thing and the child responds by saying his dad is a loser and selfish.He has no manners, constantly interupting, won't get into the car when we try to pick him up for visitation and even went out of the city and county with friends without permission. He is sullen and rude and is doing awful in school, both behaviour and grade wise. His dad says he is a wonderful smart and loving kid, but I haven't seen it yet. Maybe in past years before I met them, but not now. He parrots negative thing his mom and half sister say about his dad. I hope he never comes and lives with us.

happy mom's picture

Kids especially related ones will always end up fighting. It is more difficult if the child you say is autistic. Does she understand right or wrong? If not, there's little you can do to make her understand. I would read books about autistic children and how to deal with them, so you can understand. good luck

frustrated's picture

yes, she does know right from wrong. and she has never actually been
diagnosed with any of these conditions. it is one of those situations where her biomom has found a doctor that will give her presciptions for things that she has never actually been tested for.
we have had to get medical records to take her biomom to court because now we can prove all this. it's actually very sad. this girl has been on so many differeny medications in the last year, and we just now got enough information to prove it. it's a very difficult situation. she is actually a very normal kid. other than the fact that she is hyperactive, but alot of kids are at this age. but thanks for a different outlook, i think i will try reading some books.

happy mom's picture

Good luck in court, I hope the child gets to be with the best parents. Hope you folks settle that medication issue and get the child tested correctly. Let us know what happened.

Heather's picture

I am so happy to see there is a place for venting! Sometimes just saying it 'out loud' helps me get over 'issues' and move on!
I just got married to a wonderful man that has full custody of two wonderful boys. I don't have children of own--not because I couldnt, but because that's what I chose.
Of course you can imagine what comes after that! For example..I must be a child hater, or I couldn't possibly be a good stepmother without children of my own, or I must be in it for the money!!
How is it entirely impossible to be with a man simpley for the love & companionship? Because I dont have children of my own, does that mean I am without maternal instincts completley?!!
The kids mother left when they were 3 & 4, they've been divorced for 4 years, and she bought a house with the boyfriend on the day their divorce was final. BUT...she decided the grass wasn't greener & wants to come home.
Now I can certainly understand what she's feeling & I feel sorry for her, but why should it be my problem? Both familys are still 'friends'--why I dont understand, but it causes terrible confusion for the kids. If I say anything I must be trying to control his life, or be trying to take away something from the boys. Could anyone ever see beyond the tip of their own nose enough to see that my only interest is whats best for the kids? They didnt choose to be in the middle...they didnt ask for there to be such distress between their loved ones...and why is it so hard for them to believe that I am in this because I love my husband & his other motive????? Are there not any good hearted people left in this world?
I hope this site will help me stick to my guns...instead of always trying to iron out the problems or be the one to always have to comprimise my feelings... when Im not the one who wants this fight that seems to be an everyday occurance!
Please dont tell me it will be like this forever! I have never tried to take their mothers place & have been very clear that they should respect & love their mother! I try to help make this clear by comparing what a wonderful relationship I have with my own mother in hopes they'll understand.
Anyone have some suggestions, simlar experiences...advice...anything????? thanks!

Steph's picture

I am searching online for helpful tips on building a productive relationship with my fiancee's ex-wife, because she's a little tough to deal with.

I have been on the other side of this situation with my ex-husband and his new wife, and it has been just unbelievably healthy. I think that part of this is due to the fact that she is a calming influence on my ex, and part of it is due to the fact that I really want my kids to feel happy and comfortable at both my house and their dad's. I want them to feel loved, I want them to feel that they belong... so I treat her with respect and I smile when I know that they are being nurtured by her. Please know that this would not be my gut instinct -- my gut instinct is to hate her and feel jealous and threatened and not want her to touch my kids. However, I have acknowledged my deep dark feelings and moved past them for the sake of my children, and in the process have found that I genuinely like the woman.

Some of the people posting on this message board seem to *not* put the children first (especially when the children aren't their own), and I think it's a crime. You should think long and hard about the damage that you are doing to these poor kids who did nothing to deserve the disruption they've already had in their lives. Apologies for the soapbox but it's really quite disturbing, the way some people can be so small-minded.

Unfortunately, I believe that my fiance's ex-wife may fall into this category. She won't come to her son's soccer games if I am going to be there, and I feel terrible for him. I feel like maybe I should stay home so that he can have his mom there supporting him. However, my son is on the same team, and that isn't going to happen.

I'm not sure how I can help her to feel less threatened. If any of you have suggestions on what a new wife can possibly do to help alleviate anger, jealousy, and discomfort in an ex-wife, I would love to hear your feedback.


happy mom's picture

I always put my children first whether or not they are my step child. It's not I that is small minded but it's the biomom who brainwashes her son to act against me. You cannot change one's behavior if they just don't want to be around where you are. Sometimes it's what the other person have done in the past to hurt the other person. In my situation, I don't like to go to my stepson's games because I don't get along w/the mother, its not because of jealousy or irritation about her but it's because of what she said in the past about me and she never said she was sorry. Sometimes it's best not to be around to avoid conflict. We do not argue in front of the child and keep thing as civil as possible. It is difficult when you're the one who are making things right but yet the other person does the opposite. I am bothered by the fact that your comment to say that we are not thinking about the children, it is not us that don't put our children first, we go through struggles with the other mom being difficult and in turn make the children againsts us. We of course do not blame the children, we treat them with respect and love.

I met my Fiance 3 months after ex-wife left him for another man. They Have one child together(8 yr old son) and I have never been married nor do I have children. They have been divorced 4 years. I went through entire thing with him. We have been together for 5 years and recently(christmas) became engaged. Before the engagement, his son and I got along great. He and ex only communicate about son, friendly of course. Well, that is because the daily calls made by ex to fiance did not go over well with me and I insisted they stop. She would call if son lost a tooth!!!! Anyway, since we have been engaged son is distatnt and acts odd as if he has something to hide. Fiance and I would argue alot about ex which caused seperations and discord. But, we have since learned to deal with it and get along fine concerning her. But, son now comes over and CONSTANTLY talks about the mom. This annoyed me alot and I would react. I guess that is what they(son and mom)were aiming to do because since I have stopped reacting and we have stopped fighting over ex........
Ex claims fiance sent son to ask her when she is coming home. She even told me in front of fiance's sis who adores ex and cares little for me that 2 weekends ago when she came by to get son's clothes while son and I were at the car, fiance asked her while they were under carport..."when are you coming home" also when we went to get son this past weekend fiance supposedly winked at her. She told me if he denies it to bring him to her house. So I went back to in-laws and got fiance, called ex told her we were coming and brought him to her house without saying a word. First she said I don't want to cause problems between ya'll and then asked fiance if he loves me? He said of course I do why? she said if you love her as much as you say you do then you need to stop asking me when I am coming home. I am remarried(to affair) and happily. He looked stunned and asked what she was talking about. She said don't deny it and retold the story about the 2 weekends in question(both weekends I was present just not right next to them). He then told her with me there, "She is my fiance and I love her. I do not want you back. If I wanted you I would not have divorced you 5 years ago. I am making a life with her and I am glad you are happy. She and I have a home together and you have a home but we do not have a home for you to come back to. The only thing we have together is a son and all I ask is that you not deny me my son." She replied, " Can you prove you did not say that? I can prove that you did." She called son out to tell me and his dad what dad had told him to ask mom to come home. Son was stammering and stuttering. I realized he was probably scared I would be mad. I told him just tell the truth and I wont't be mad. He then said "my mom helped with the new house" (we were seperated for a few months and fiance got new house and I decorated the new house). son would not say anything else and hid behind mom. Mom then put the words in his mouth and he agreed.
I love my fiance and know I should trust him but why in the world would someone tell a lie about another person and confront them in their face and try to get them to say the lie is the truth?
Fiance is always with me when not at work and I have access to phone bills to check calls. The only calls on bill that come from her are placed to fiance from ex. Fiance does not call her except on friday evenings when we have to go get son, he calls to see if they are home or when he has to return one of her calls. The calls never last more than 5 mins. Fiance does not act funny around me there has never been a change in treatment. Why after 5 years and only months after engagement would he ask her to come back home?
I believe him because he has hardly any contact with her apart from weekends. I would think if he wanted her back he would come up with a thousand reasons to talk to her for "son's sake"
on the other hand I believe her because how could someone be so screwed in the head to lie on someone in their face? Usually if it is a lie you tell it behind their back and deny it when you are confronted that you lied.
Maybe son did tell her that but it could be that he wants mom and dad together and does not realize the repercutions of a lie like that. But, why did she say fiance asked her that at our home after all this time. Fiance was not any different that night after they left and I would think after asking ex to come home he would have been standoffish and cold towards me. This is literally out of the blue.
We do have son every weekend which means we stay home every weekend and she goes out. Well 2 weekends ago(hmmm) I had to bring son to her on Saturday for a birthday party and she would bring him back. The weather was getting bad and they were far away. Fiance did not want son to come back in bad weather(70 mph winds and 5 inches of rain)so fiance asked if she could keep him because it was already 6pm and he had to work Sunday anyway. She agreed but then son calls back 5 mins later telling dad off(sentence structure very adult and son never talks down to dad)and hung up. Then next day(sunday) she called for us to bring sons clothes and fiance said he would bring them when he had time(ot school uniforms did not need them immediately besides they live 30 mins away and fiance works near their home so he thought he would bring them after work). she insisted she come get his clothes instead of us dropping them off to her(this is the day fiance supposedly asked her to come home). Next weekend arrives(this past weekend)and friday night she decides to wait until 9pm to call and let us know she will be dropping son off. We always go to his house and get him by 6pm, so fiance suggested we get him in morning since we were already in bed. Son calls back crying so we go get him(this is the night fiance supposedly winked at her).
As I type the words the more it seems as though she is jealous and feels she has no control over him anymore. Because for 5 years we would get son all weekend every weekend and last 2 weekends we wanted to actually go out and have a little fun and all of a sudden my world has been turned upside down. Please give me some advise before I make a mistake.

adriana's picture

sorry, in my previous comment that word "faily" is suppose to be "family". anyways i have more to say. my step daughter and i have always been close. i have done the majority of taking care of her everytime we get her.her father doesn't know w hat todo w/ her. she loves me and i her but she won't call me mom cause her biomom tells her no. my husband and i have had more fights over the little girl and her mom than anything. the reason my husband and his ex got divorced is because she was cheating on him and vice versa. it makes me wonder if he would cheat on me. he says no, but i have to admit that i'm very insecure and jealous of the ex. i wish we could just have a normal life. but we won't ever get to. his ex will always be in our life and everybody will always talk about her and my husband together. i really don't think it will get better.

terr's picture

Sometimes I feel alone. I have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years.He has a 10 year old daugther from a previous marriage. WE have a 16 month old son together. After our son was born, she decided to take him to court for more child support and to modify the parent child relationship. Now, he is accumulating all of these court fees. I don't know sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to take my son and leave.

Anonymous's picture

I truly believe my husband's ex is Lucifer/Satan. I can write a book on all the evil things this woman has done. He went to Iraq for 13 months and wanted to see his children, she wouldn't allow it. All she cares about is $$$$$. She harrassed me & I had her arrested. Now, my husband's son (16) just had a baby girl w/ his girlfriend (he is in her custody) and now she makes it her business to make sure he recognizes his granddaughter when he wants nothing to do with it. She emails pics and mails pics to him. He doesn't do anything b/c he got screwed in court before thanks to her lies, he thinks she is going to do it again and he wants no confrontation. I'm the one who is suffering. She knows that him & I are expecting our first child, so she is doing everything in her power to screw w/ us. I wish I can just disappear.

Kim's picture

I am sick and tired of my husbands x coming over to our house to see her non working lazy 18 yr old son. She is trying to contol our lives (or my husbands) by trying to have a custody battle about a damn dog. it is clearly my husbands dog and he has the paper to her, but the x still keeps coming oover and takes her with out asking and so forth. She dumps can food on my patio which she has been told a thousand times not to.Sheseems to want to have some kind of control over our family and wont let go...HELP???? Can you imagine how I feel when I am out in my pool or sitting in my housecoat on my patio when she comes up and acts like she owns the place? Also, just so you know...she comes over 3 times a day.

lovin-life's picture

She can't just walk into someone's home like that....her son's name isn't on the mortgage...yours is!! He's only there because the people who pay the bills allow him to stay there....other than that..he has no legal rights over your property..including having his mother in your home.

What does your husband say about it? My x has never came past my doorway dropping off suitcases for the kids...and wouldn't. Likewise for me at his house. And BF's x knows she is not welcome. When SD was 18 & lived with us...she went to Mom's house when they felt the urge to visit.

OMG!!! I can't believe her nerve!! As home owners you have the final say as to who can or can't come into your house. That's just not appropriate!!!!

If there are ongoing court battles...I wouldn't want her snooping through my things...having access to my private documents..the dogs paperwork..etc.

Change the locks!!!

Judy's picture

Hi, I live with my boyfriend now for six years. He had a terrible divorce 10 years ago and his ex-wife does everything and anything possible to make our life a living HELL! We have the his two boys, 13 and 14 years old every Thursday and every other weekend. I feel that the boys are very uncomfortable around me and if I tell them no about something they go to their father behind my back. For the most part my BF stands up for me, but there are times he says I am too hard on them. His ex-wife tells my BF the kids don't want to come over because "they hate that BITCH (being me)". I am getting to the point I feel myself getting very uneasy when it is time for the boys to come stay with us and I can't wait for them to go home. We do have plenty of good times together, but I feel for out of place when they are with us. They seem to fight with me on purpose. I was married for 11 years and did not have kids of my own. I don't know if I am the problem or the kids or the EX-WIFE. What do I do????????????????

in10sitty's picture

Hi Judy.
Should you maybe leave the discipline up to their dad? I don't have children, and have had to learn to adjust to visits with my 4 future stepchildren. It's really hard. Alot of the things I get upset with, other parents will say that I should expect it because "they are kids". So, I know that in my circumstance, I tend to be too hard on them. This will turn off the kids and their father. I have learned that the kids come FIRST.

Do you have examples of some of the things your are discplining them for?

Been There's picture

I can totally feel your pain! Comparing your situation to my own, no one likes change. I have 6 stepkids (ages ranging 21 to almost 40). Knowing they're adults doesn't make the relationship any easier. Sad to sad, they only visit our home when it's their birthday, want their cars fixed, or most importantly, they demand money. I am usually ignored when his kids visit. It hurt at first, but I try to look upon this as "my time!" My husband and I do not receive cards or gifts for our birthdays from his kids; they even forget their father on Father's Day. It makes me totally angry (and sick sometimes) that my husband spends alot of money and time in buying Christmas gifts for each of his kids (and their families) and he receives (most of the time) nothing in return. If it's the thought that counts, those kids really have alot of growing up to do! My husband is invited to family functions (graduations, baptisms, etc.) but I am not. Of course, I stay home feeling hurt and betrayed by not only my stepkids but my husband as well. I have talked to my husband many times these past 7 years of how I feel about it all, but I only get broken promises; he does nothing. I love my husband dearly, but love is just not enough. I know I can't change how he responds to the situations with his kids, but I'm learning how to change my attitude and response when they visit.

Thanks for listening!

Anonymous's picture

i moved in with my boyfriend after dating about 4 months. i relocated to a different part of the state for him along with my two daughters ages 14 and 9. i transferred into a new field of employment and moved completely away from my family. the trouble is that one of his daughters age 23 is so jealous of me and my children its unreal. she was fine before i moved in, but from there on has been a real nightmare. both daughters i feel hate me and try to cause problems between their daddy and myself. they are hateful to my children and they are adults. the other daughter is 21 and both are married and need to act like adults. they ignore me when they are around and are nasty to me if they say anything at all. I have discussed this with my boyfriend and he thinks they will come back around. what should i do?

Anonymous's picture

My husband and I have been together for a total of 3 years. I was married before but with no kids. My husband has a 4 year old now with his previous wife. They of course are now divorced. For the past 3 years everything has been fine with her. Everytime we drop of his son I smile and wave to his ex and I treat his son as if he is my own. Well My husband and I got into an argument and we had to cancel last minute on picking up his son. Well his ex was so mad because we spoiled her vacation which we didnt intend on doing and she thinks we are lying about having an argument just so we don't have to pick up their son. Well I called her to let her know we couldnt pick him up and she accused me of lying and that she no longer trusts us with her son. This is the first incident where we have not been able to pick up his son and she has a huuge cow. Obviously all the niceness she was dishing out was very fake. She didn't want us to know she was hurting that her ex husband found someone that actually cares for him. It is just so immatture. Well after our argument we talked things over and we are working things out so my husband calls her up to say is it okay if we pick up our son for the weekend and she said "Oh so you guys are back together now?" and continues to say well I will have to think about it.We havnt heard form her in 3-4 weeks. I feel so bad for the son because he loves his dad more then anything and his ex knows this. How she can sleep with herself at night for denying her son his Father is beyond me. I have emailed his wife and apologized so many times and she just can't seem to get over this. What do I do?

CC's picture

I got married at the end of July.. And my husband & I both have ex's and children from the previous. His children are 21 & 15, my children are 10 & 7.. Anyways.. We have been together for 3 years and in the beginning his daughter (15) and I were really close and then it was like over night things went bad. Her mom and I also got along in the beginning. I am not even sure what really happened with why we do not see eye to eye anymore. I mean I know some circumstances. The bio mom lives in an apartment and I would have to go pick up the SD there, which was ok until I walked in one day and the mom had these picture collages on the wall of her and my husband. I thought that was pretty strange just because I think that confuses the kids. Then there is issues of calling everyday about things such as her and the daughter having a fight and my husband saying what do you want me to do about it, the ex saying you just don't care. I like everyone else could wish her away to another state.. They had a lot of years together and I think that maybe thats partly why I am "threatened". Which I am working on. I know that when we were first together she used to call when we would be on a date and ask him to come over and watch movies with them and he would get off the phone and tell me with this look of "no way". My husband and I have had our share of arguments about her and he told me one day I do not know why you are threatened by her, there is no way I would ever go back. You treat me better then I have ever been treated. She also had told his family that she wanted him back and of course they told me for some reason. I wanted to know that but wish that I didn't if that makes any sense.

I must also tell you that my ex now has a GF for the first time in the 7 years we have been apart. I wasn't sure how I would be with any of it when I would try to put the shoe on the other foot. But I did learn some things, I am not that nagging ex. I talk to her probably more then him. She is good to my kids and I am not worried about them liking her more or any of that. I think it is awesome he finally found someone. He deserves happiness too. I only call when I need too. Which is not very often because I have control over my children. I do not really need his help in parenting situations. I have learned over the years to deal with things.. So the GF and I are friends which in turn I truly believe is helping my kids out.

On my husbands ex- well I have what she gave up and wishes now that she didn't. So instead of being angry and jealous I think I will just smile and giggle and be the way I am with him all the time even in front of her. She knows that she is not part of our family. She is the mother of his kids. Besides that if I put a lot of energy into being angry and complaining about her I am taking energy away from my marriage and possibly could cause problems. I DO NOT WANT THAT.

On the SD- I get angry with her because she does nothing, when asked or told or anything. She sits on the computer in my bedroom and talks on the phone. When I ask her to do anything around the house, she just looks at me. So I told my husband from now on you tell her to do things. I told him that his kids were lazy and that they needed to start helping around the house. I make my kids do things all the time. But I noticed the one thing I am thankful for with my mom, she taught me respect. Which in turn I have taught my kids. RESPECT is very important. My SS & SD have no respect for me but for that matter anyone.. That is not on me, I have my kids taught that. The SD hurt my feelings with the wedding because I had her stand up for me and she lied. But to make the story better she had went to her mom and told her mom she did not want to be a part of it and all this. So the mom calls my husband and asked him why she would be feeling that way.. His response to her was, I do not know why and said well why does she come here and say she wants to move in all the time. he said she is a teenager.. Do you think she is confused about there divorce? Maybe she does not understand? Or maybe she knows that the mom wants the dad back and the thing she sees standing in her way is ME? I am not sure. So the SD and I are not really talking. I have decided that you can only do so much. And if the mom and her are against us having a relationship then why put so much effort into it. Not to mention I will not let it come between my husband and I. I love him way to much to do that. He is my soul mate. I am not saying that I will never get mad or that I will never get jealous again because I AM HUMAN. I will continue to help my kids develop a great relationship with there dad's GF and with my husband.

I love my SS and SD and would and will be there for them if they need me I just am not going to let them ruin my marriage. I will stay out of things as long as it does not involve my children. I will continue to ask for support around the house from all of them and just try to be the best parent I can be for all involved his and mine.

So I guess what I am saying is these ex-wives out here that I have been reading stories about are WOW, take it to the extreme.. But if you really sit back and look at the big picture they are getting a rise out of all us new wives.. Which is exactly what they want. They want you to fight with your husband about them. They want there kids to hate you, but if you smile no matter how hard it is in all actuality you are sticking it to her in the end. Because the end result is you have everything she lost and wants back.. So I would smile and be as sweet as pie to the ex's and kids that way there is not ammunition or fuel to the fire.

I hope I helped someone out there. I know that by writing this I helped myself out a lot. We never listen to our own advice.. At least usually you never do..

We all can get through this. Statistics show that 2nd marriages usually end up in divorce, I am not sure about all of you but I have been thru one before and vowed I would never go through another. And I did not get married for the 2nd time to have it end that way. I want to grow old with my husband.. So if I have to smile on the outside and scream on the in I will do it..

Thanks I know I rambled some or a lot..

Anonymous's picture

I know that I'm not the only one that has to deal with a crazy jealous ex-wife of my husband's, but I feel like I'm losing it! We got married in June but have had a on again off again relationship for the past 6 years. In between me he continued to go back to her everytime she knew he was with me as she used the children to guilt him back home. Now he married me and the ex-wife will not let up. SHe calls and text messages all day long. Sending pictures of her in bikinis (not that impressive if I do say so!), messages of how she couldn't sleep cause she was dreaming of him etc. I know she's doing it to drive me crazy and it's working. I expressed to my husband that it was inappropriate and how it hurt my feelings and how I want it to stop. He says he asked her but he can't make her stop and she's only doing it to upset me. I am losing it! I just don't know how to deal with the crazy woman! Is there anything anyone can suggest i do? I work as a paralegal in a large firm and go to law school at night. The last thing I need is to worry about her!

What to do?'s picture

First, let me thank the person who created this site. I am glad to know I am not alone. I have been dating the most wonderful man for the last year. He has two kids, Mir (10) and Jes (7). I have one adopted son (12) and do not have to deal with my ex husband, as his parental rights were terminated. I need some advice. My BF has joint custody with his ex. They live close by, and share time with kids M-th daily...she picks them up after work and he picks the kids up after they are done with school. He has kids every Friday night and alternating weekends. Today, was Mir's birthday. The event was held at a gymnastic place. Her friends were there, my BF, his ex and her mom and dad. Everything was peaceful and pleasant. I was sickened by the whole thing. My BF and his ex act like one big happy family. I shared with him afterward that his kids keep bringing up the idea of mom and dad getting back together, expecially when they are around me. His girls continually tell me about "Mom & Dad's wedding video" and "the first time they met" (even though they could only get that info from his ex, who pops in the wedding video frequently). I told my BF that it troubled me that they still held birthdays together life one happy family and I thought it was wrong and adding to the message that mom and dad belong together. Needless to say, he was totally offended. I understand that there will be events in life, like graduations and weddings, that will be one-time large events for both parents to be there. And, I agree that they should and it should be as pleasant as possible. However, I think birthdays could be shared at both homes--without the other present. And, I am tired of the constant phone calls (even though his ex sees my BF practically everyday). He covers by saying that they have always had "open communication" where the girls are concerned. My BF and I have been discussing marriage and looking for homes...however, we are constrained (once again) by living by his ex (which is on the other side of town--and not where I want to live). I am beginning to have serious doubts about marrying this guy because I do not think I can handle the situation. Am I just being jealous and need to get over it? Should I apologize for saying that I thought it was ridiculous that they share birthdays? I can truly see myself with this man for the rest of my life...but, not his ex.

Anonymous's picture

I find it a little suspicious that the children keep bringing up their parents, and their wedding day. sounds like they were coached. Plus I don't understand how your buying a home is dependent on where the ex lives? If thats his attitude thats a little scarey, so tell him theres planes, trains and autos to ensure he sees his kids, but your new life together will not be dictated by that. you may want to get this all settled before you buy a home with bf or invest any more time with him. Just be honest and tell him the whole setup needs to change before you guys get more serious. Your BF may have acted offended, but I think that was just a ploy to get his way and continue these tacky get togethers. Yes you are right in NOT having these events all together, its not healthy and it might be hard but you'll be doing each of you a favor by being honest.
BF needs to understand, time to move forward and put the ex in the past. I'm afraid BF is having his cake and eating it to.

Pisces's picture

When my husband and I announced we were engaged (4 years ago), I had one stepdaughter threatened to put a lover's ad in the newspaper for my husband; another stepdaughter switched colleges on purpose so my husband had to (and still does) pay more tuition plus room and board; another stepdaughter openly starts arguments with me. And these are all adults with families of their own! Yes, I agree birthdays should be separate since both sides can't get along; it makes it more easier with everyone involved. Does anyone's stepkids realize why the biological parents got divorced in the first place? Stepparents are NOT bad people; they deserve love too; we just, for some unknown reason, have to handle and somehow understand all the garbage that came BEFORE us!

Thanks for listening!

dmg0722's picture

I really thought I was alone on this, I agree with you totally my bf of 4 years does the same thing!! And he drags me along, and I stand there like an idiot. His ex has remarried no less, but when her family is around, they all come over and act like they never got divorced. And whenever her husband is around, she just says hello and ignores us, but when he is NOT around, she stands with my bf and acts like the happy wife. Then she acts all nice to me and throws digs at me and him. And my bf is so stupid, he doesnt get it. The other day, my bf daughter was in a wedding, but it was his ex's family, so we went to the church (after he begged me to go with him) and just watched his daughter to come out in the gown, etc. etc. Well his ex was in the wedding too along with her son from the new husband. Now mind you HER WHOLE FAMILY IS THERE..I see her look around, (husband nowhere to be found) and she grabs her son from her 2nd and yells "look, look who is here!! and points at my bf" so now her whole family is looking at us and of course, come over....and where do I go...pushed to the back. What was that for? That's her second husband's son?? Thats not all, another time his son made the all stars in baseball and she gets t-shirts with his name and # on it. and gives my bf 3 shirts, one for him and 2 for his parents...does bf ask to get one for me? of course not!! because ex told him she did not have enough. When I got there, she must have given them to strangers, there must have been about 20 people with that t-shirt on..I left and went home. Oh and when I got there, of course, this one time, she did not come near me. And he doesnt get it. I told him, can you just put her in her place one time!! Are you that whipped???

Anonymous's picture

I am very grateful that there is a forum such as this and thanks to all the people that have shared their stories. It is helpful when going through a situation and have support. I have been with my partner for the last three years whose wife left him. Although, she has never wanted him back, she is livid that he is with someone else and whom their daughter is very close too. She has made racial remarks, attempts to poisin the child's mind and constantly tries to interfere by creating situations that pertain to emergencies. i.e. - the child is ill and he must come immediately. I want to be supportive of my fiancee and more especially his daughter and hate too be resentful and angry. I reside in Europe where although she cheated and committed fraud, the courts favor the status of the mother despite the love a father may have for his child. We have sought the best lawyers and she will have joint custody. Please offer any advice as this would be greatly appreciated.

Anonymous's picture

Thank God for such a website that people can share their ordeals. I met my BF almost seven years ago who then was separated from his wife but not legally and had two kids. He was in despair over his marriage because he is the kind who believes in staying in a marriage for the sake of kids. He had been married for 13 yrs then and 9 of those years were hell. His wife was seeing other men and was not hiding the it. He did tell me he was going to try and work things out again with his wife so that if it does not work out, he will know he did his best. They got back together, things were o.k. in the beginning but then the wife riverted to her former behaviors. She was coming home late at night alot, was neglecting the welfare of the kids, exposing kids to different men, always broke though she was working, picking fights with my BF when asked of her whereabouts, etc. She physically abused my BF and I took polaroid pictures of his bruises. I told him to press charges but he refused saying it will cause more disharmony. My Bf tried to track her whereabouts by using an investigator so as to have concrete evidence when he was filing for a divorce. The same day she got served with the divorce papers, she filed false physical abuse allegations to get a restraining order thus he was forced out of the house. Temporary visitation and support orders were executed while awaiting for main divorce hearing that my BF's lawyer dragged on for so long he dropped the laywer. In between, he went for long intervals without seeing his kids which distressed him a lot coz he was very close to them. We had a kid together last year and I met one of his kids the first time this year. His lil girl is so adorable and was His wife was so pissed when she found out she filed more false restraining orders so that he could not see his kids and she even filed false child abuse allegations against me & my BF. My Bf has to beg her to see the kids. It will be difficult to establish a relationship with my BFs kids coz they have definitely been poisoned by their mom. The divorce has been on going for 3 yrs and the hearing has been pushed next year thanks to her manipulation of the legal system. In the mean time, my BF is financially down, can't see his kids as ordered by the court. Why can't this woman get a life? it was her choice to see other men and do as she liked, my bf dealt with that for so long and the moment she learnt my bf has moved on, it became a problem. She knows very well she let go a very responsible and family oriented guy. She knows all the men she was dealing cant compare with my bf. Has anyone else dealt with such an ordeal?

samantha's picture

My husband and i have been together for 2.5 years now.My issue is his kids and ex wife,she is very toxic and has caused problems in our marriage.She has phisically assaulted me in front of our children he has 2 ages 12 and 14 and i have 1 aged 11 she has told my son that i am a slut and when the kids phone our house to say goodnight to there dad and i answer i always ask how school and things are for them and their mother is yelling in the backround that they are not allowed to talk to me and calls me a slut in front of them.His daughter has also called me a bitch and said that she was going to ruin our wedding day but we talked to her and she denied she said it She was talking to my niece on the computer when this was all going on and my sister who is 34 read what she was writing and phoned me right away and told me.I dont think my husband believes she did it because he didnt see it for his own eyes.I have spoke to natasha alone and she tells me her mother is always saying nasty things to her about me.I have been a good stepmother to the children but my husband never wants to stick up for me.I have even asked him to let the lawyer know that she is not to phone our house and speak to me or my son this way but he says it will do nothing because she has mental issues then he will give in and say he will and never does.I feel that maybe my husband may feel guilty for leaving i just dont know i am so hurt by all their actions and my son always asks why i am crying and he is very angry at their mother for treating us this way.There is alot of things i can write about that has happened but i would be writing all day.Please help me.

I have been in a relationship with a man that has been seperated for 10mths,I have been seperated 1 yr.i was not out looking for love but it fell in my lap.My bf is a very caring loving man that treats me like gold.When we first were together his children accepted me,after 6 mths I'm not sure what happened but neither wants anything to do with me or my children.They have been acting out smoking pot stating that they are going to end their lives if mom and dad don't get back together(mom left they're dad for another man that she has been seeing for the last 3 yrs of their marriage.)I feel for all of the children this is the hardest thing they will have to deal with ,their parents are not getting back together but I don't know if i should step out of the pic because of all bf tells me he loves me and I and the children are definatly in his future but i worry about his children and don't want to be what brings them down, all though his ex is still with her bf, I feel like I'm the one they are blaming...please help I'm so confused right now i don't know what to do....The children are in counselling and we've been told this is definatly a cry for attention (which they get plenty of)but i still feel Shaw

lovin-life's picture

My Hubby's 16 & 25 yr olds at the time...we not happy with me either. Dispite their mothers ongoing Bf's/affairs for the last 3-4 yrs of thier marriage and their coaxing of 'leave her Dad' and 'don't take her back Dad'... They were not very welcoming of me. Their mother dispised me...and I'm sure she made it as difficult as she could for her kids to accept me...which is not always easy thing to do for step-children to begin with.

Dispite living with her BF.(one of her pre-separation affairs) the X seemed to blame me as the reason she was no longer with hubby.

I think the same may be true of the's easier to blame the "outsider" for all that's gone wrong in thier world....(rather than looking at the flaws of their parents or excepting how things sometimes turn out)

Some will see the light....some won't.... At least they are in counselling, that should help them sort all the mixed feelings out...

Things have come along way (with one SD at least) for me since we've been together...

So, Don't let them drive you off just yet....
See where it's all going to go, first.... Smile

Gianna's picture

About 2 1/2 years ago I met a very dear but very depressed man who was still living with wife but said in his mind marriage was over and he needed a divorce but had not yet done so because of the worry of the effects on the children. Over the course of being just friends for a few months , we began dating. Also during this time she finally filed for divorce. They had lived the last 3 years in the same house with no talking (unless about kids) or for her to give him "the list" of why she did not want him, constantly putting him down, citing all of his "faults" in her mind and telling him she wanted someone better for herself and the kids. (extreme mental cruelty). I went through all of this with him , though at times it was very difficult. I love him more than I ever thought I would love anyone but this ex has turned out to be (or always was) mean, miserable, spiteful etc. The 3 children are 5, 13, and 16, with the middle child being special needs.
After she found out about me she became more evil--screaming things to the kids about me, name calling etc.Two summers ago, she came to his house (he is living at his Mom's) and attacked him physically in front of the 2 little ones and me , in addition trying to get me as well. Police were called and when they came he had blood on his clothes and body and I was appalled that when asked by police "what happened?" he said "oh nothing-my ex was a little mad". The police were smart enough to ignore the "trying to defend" and took both our statements and pictures of him with scratches, blood etc.They practically begged him to press charges but just like the other time she had attacked him at home he declined , stating he could not let his children see their Mom get arrested or jailed.Later on into this as he kept putting up with her she did something that FINALLY made him mad and he contacted the detective that had the assault record to ask about the statute of limitations for assault. He was told that it is 3 years and he could still press charges. He made 3 appts to do so and ended up canceling all of them !! As time went by I asked him about this. He gets very defensive and wants to "keep it apart" from our relationship and not talk about it. I find this very difficult. In addition she is cold to the children, and possibly abusive to the middle child at least verbally so. Currently she has quit her job of 4 months of working in her entire 45 years of life and made herself a full time "student" , now telling him she has no money and will need yet more "help" with the boys. He currently gives her $1800 a month for child support and alimony and I suspect more.They have 2 weeks to be out of their rental home as it is being sold so we believe she will either be dropping the 3 kids w/ him or wanting more money. While all this is going on when I am there to visit she is still allowed by him to whip into the driveway of his Mom's house (police suggested meeting at a public place for kid exchanges) to pick up or drop off children. If I happen to be outside I am glared at like she wants to kill me.One time I called her to try to make peace for the children's sake and got called names , told off, and hung up on. So much for that. His Mom has begged him not to let her come to driveway, that request was ignored and Mother gave up (she is 79) I have asked him that this is not fair to me. He either ignores or defends and if I bring up any of this we argue. Besides loving him , I love his kids. The 2 youngest are close and dear with me, the teenager is pretty much distant with everyone, including both parents. Why does he not see what this is doing to the people around him?? He says he is fine. Well that is great, but his Mom is in ill health and constantly tells me how she cannot deal with this and I see her point , because I have a hard time as well. But I do love him dearly and hoped for a future with him. What can I do?

Anonymous's picture

I can't understand why the mother of his kids could be so angry at you....

Stacy's picture

Just wanted to let you know that there are more of us then you think. I work with a ton of people in worse relationships with married people. I've been with my BF for 4 yrs he just left his wife 4 months ago. They have 2 biochildren 8yr old boy and 6 yr old girl and 2 twin girls age 12 from a previous relationship she had. I know stupid me (I've heard it all before). No one can be as hard on you as you are on yourself. My BF is of course supporting her completely and they have almost $200,000 of debt (she's a shopper). I'm so happy that we are finally together but I still haven't met the kids. I've talked to them on the phone but thats it Thats really hard because she sends them over all the time knowing I wont be with him. We agreed to wait until she felt comfortable. The orginal plan was not to tell them at all he got an apt. and we were going to wait until after the holidays but their mom set them all down and told them Dad left you because he has a girlfriend. She tells them I am mean and dont like kids and blames me when their dad does things for himself instead of going to get them (he takes them 4 nights a week and sees them almost everyday. She is dating also and tells the kids that her BF is wonderful and loves kids. It pretty difficult right now b/c I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in or "just the girlfriend". My only hope is that it will get better. My only concern is making this horrible situation better for the kids. I'm pretty sure all 3 of us agree on that. Anyway I just wanted to let you know no one can judge you I did worse and I'm sure someone out there's done worse then me. I know that I'm not in the "stepmom" club yet but I hope to be if anyone out there has any suggestions or another chat more relavant to my situation please let me know..thanks

Anonymous's picture

I am getting married in one month to a man I have known for 10 years and we have been dating for almost two. He has a son, 4 and I have two sons, 7 and 4. All of that mix is fine. My issue is, we starting dating while he was going through his nasty divorce. No, we did not cause the divorce. She was an evil person that was horrible to my fiance. Anyway.. now she has even remarried. Well, now she is getting a divorce and he seems to be going over to her house (their) old married house quite a bit. We do not live together yet, so we do have separate lives still. It seem I am always finding out about him dropping in over there to "see his son"(he has 50-50 custody). okay, that's fine. But, now we are looking for a new house and she happens to be a realtor. So she gets a line on great house and gives my fiance this info. He gets her keycard and passwords to get into the potential new house. ANd, if we buy it, she makes a commission. We are considering tearing the house down and building a new one on the lot to sell for profit. This is big bucks.. so she makes a commission and I am on the hook for two houses.. I just do not care for the intimacy of doing business with her. I am not threatened by her, I am just sick of her constantly in our lives. Why did he even leave her? He may as well move in over there again if he's there every day.

Anonymous's picture

Seems to me what your not understanding is you dated him when he was married with kids. "Going" through a divorce is still married, so you - number one have the kids disrespect and the ex is probably enjoying your misery. This man should have thought about his children, first and prepared them for the divorce and afterwards instead of worrying about his willy.

Many ex's still have sex and its quite possible he's having his cake and eating it too. As for the house and her involvement I just can't believe you even let it get that far. If you were smart you would get rid of this loser, and let him move back with her and the kids. Obviously, she's not much wiser or smarter either.

Anonymous's picture

Tal vez nadie hable espanol pero de cualquier manera necesito decir esto por que me esta matando no puedo mas y necesito consejo, se un poco de ingles puedo entenderlo y tal vez escribirlo pero en este momento no quiero pensar demasiado para escribir.
Conoci a este hombre aproximadamente hace 8 meses y era todo casi perfecto, fisicamente era lo que yo buscaba y su manera de ser es tan educado y tan propio que no pude imaginar lo que me esperaba unos meses mas tarde.
Despues de salir unos meses lo que aqui llaman "DATING" empese a sospechar que algo estaba mal por que su telefono no dejava de sonar asi que lo primero que pense era que el estaba con alguien mas pero hay algo que se me estaba olvidando y era que cuando lo conoci el me dijo que era divorciado y que tenia apenas unos meses de divorciado, yo no tenia problema con eso por que yo estuve viviendo con una persona por 5anos y es practicamente como estar casados asi que no tengo problema con alguien que ha estado casado, pero bueno volviendo al tema despues de algunas llamadas y que el escondia el telefono cada vez que sonaba empese a sospechar que era la ex la que estaba llamando, pero POR QUE SI YA ESTAN DIVORCIADOS ELLA LLAMA DE ESA MANERA TAN INSISTENT? pues no tarde mucho en darme cuenta de que efectivamente era ella, pero cual fue mi sorpresa cuando me entoro que N O E R A L A EX E R A LA E S P O S A Para ser mas clara no se habian divorciado en lo absoluto si no todo lo contrario vivian junotos y por supuesto bien juntos. Pues por supuesto que fui yo la que le di la buena noticia a la querida esposa de que el estaba conmigo pero cuando la llame ella dijo que si era la esposa pero que se habian separado por un par de meses (que fue cuando yo lo conoci) claro que no fue la historia que el me conto pero bueno ella al principio no estaba muy sorprendida ni tampoo dolida incluso platicamos tanto que llego a decirme que en el tiempo que ellos estaban separados ella estuvo saliendo con algunas personas, ovio despues de eso no me senti tan mal pero pues para hacer a el sentir miserable le pedi que nos vieramos sin que el supiera que las dos ya sabiamos todo asi que me sito en su casa y ahi me tienes con mi mas grande coraje tuve que ir y enfrentarlo apesar de que estaba muy dolida pero no queria dejar de pasar la oportunidad de ver su cara al vernos juntas so eso fue lo mas divertido de el mundo al principio cuando se sento en el suelo como perro sin saber a donde correr, pero despues de eso empeze a darme cuenta por que el ya no queria estar ahi con ella pero el es de aquellos hombres que no tiene los suficientes (huevos) para dar la cara y terminar con eso pero bueno no pude evitarlo y me dio lastima y si lo perdone pero enntonces ella se convirtio en la victima y dice que lo ama y que quiere estar con el pero al dia siguiete dice que es solo basura y al dia siguiente lo ama de nuevo y es un cuento de nunca acabar.
El esta viviendo conmigo pero ella todavia no firma los papeles del divorcio y siento que solo busca pretextos para hablar con el y el con la escusa de que no quiere mentir otra vez, le cuenta a ella todo lo que le pido que haga como el no hablar con ella, no se que hacer no se si devo seguir con el o no o si devo de ponerle un alto a ella o si solo devo hacerme a un lado por favor denme un consejo.


Laurelkay's picture

My relationship is the exact same as you all describe, only somehow I have ended up being the one one that he gets angry at... I suppose I have tolerated it for so long that I can no longer even handle the small things anymore. I am not questioning my relationship and if I even want to be in it because of the way things have turned. Now after reading all these posts I realize that my husband has never STOOD up to her in regards to our relationship and what she has done and continues to do... she is so good at it that he now believes all the problems are ME and my inability to just GET over the small things!~ We actually split up for about 4 months and they all of a sudden were able to CO parent as if they were pro's, of course as soon as we get back together they can no longer be decent to eachother, my husband blames me, she tells the kids it's me as well. The added pressure of this has made our current relationship even more unbearable than before the split up. I question every thing about me. My husband just allows the crap and looks the other way. On the weekends we see the kids, she dresses them in the SAME clothes (holes in pants, shoes that are torn and OLD) and they go to school like this) Somehow she has brainwashed the kids into believing that they must wear the same cloths because WE cant seem to return their NICE clothes...However, it has gotten to the point where the children now LIE to their father about NOT having shoes because of this or that... I know that they have decent shoes. They dont EVER wear coats to our home and on the weekends we have them we are pretty much house bound if the weather is bad. We are financially STRAPPED all the time and he does pay his child support...I do get upset these days because Im simply tired of the game. Most of all... Im tired of thinking and now believing its all because of ME... My husband says let go of all the little stuff, But Im telling you, I might be able to if he would JUST PLEASE open his eyes and see all the games that are going on. Im SO TIRED and ready to change something.
Someone please tell me how I can turn this around and save my relationship, Im begining to believe everyone would be better off if I werent in the picture.

Anonymous's picture

I think the problem is mostly with your husband. He refuses to let go of his ex for whatever reason and work on his relationship with you. Who knows, maybe for the same reasons he got divorced in the first place. I'm afraid its like a lot of the ladies on the board, their bf/so/dh won't stand by them and basically want to keep the ex in their marriage, and all the turmoil and intrusions into their lives for years to come. The only thing you can really do is have a long talk with him, and the boundaries you can and cannot abide by.
As for co-parenting, you are his wife and that needs to include you mainly since the children are also in your home. They can be parented by their mother when their at her house. and if your husband refuses to get her out of your marriage then there's only two choices. Either keep going on year to year with the current situation, or give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

How were things with you guys when separated?? Did he make promises only to break them?? Either way don't blame yourself, its your husband and he will decide to make some compromises or end up losing you. Just be strong.

I just broke up with someone I love dearly and we ended our relationship because of our love for one another. Love isn't always enough. He won't stand up to his ex and it took our relationship and my boundaries for him to realize just how much he lets her run his life.

He doesn't like her as a person and she creates a ton of anxiety in him and he has no desire at all to ever be with her again, but he lets her manipulate him to no end. He always saw it as him putting the kids first but now realizes he was using that as an excuse and he really does put her over me. She is a total drama queen and he feels he has to keep the peace and he is afraid appearing mean to mommy and upsetting the kids.

He says he's working on it and reading the book "Boundaries", but for now we are apart. I love him more than I've loved any man in my life and I hope and pray he'll stand up to her and maybe we will have a chance then. I highly suggest the book boundaries for anyone going through the same thing and don't settle for 2nd place behind an ex ever or you'll just be miserable. He'll lose respect for you and you'll lose respect for yourself, and worse yet, so will the ex.

Anonymous's picture

Well, I have been a step mom for 6 years now and my step children are ages 11 and 8. The 11 year old hates me, I am sure. His mother has poisened him over the years but was not able to do so with the 8 year old. When he is here, we have joint physical and legal (they live with us all summer) he tends to do better with me but is never affectionate like he was when he was little. Today we had a court date take back the ex for custody because she has had numerous over night boy toys in her house while the children were present and actually moved on in with her and the boys in January, just a few weeks after meeting him. Both boys have not been doing well in school and we felt that they deserved a stable home life. In fact my husband's mom is the one who drives his boys to school every day, packs their lunch, does their homework, etc when they are in the ex's custody. We had so much documentation, the ex married new boy toy after we sent a letter (from our attorney) advising him to move out because they were in violation. SO guess what, they got married three days later. In court today we felt good and felt like we had a strong case, it took all of 10 minutes for the judge to say, "sorry, there is not a substantial change" and it was over like that. There is no way to suceed in this and I honestly believe it. All we can do is keep living life the right way, not talk bad about the ex, put the boys first Always, and hope one day they will see on their own that we love them and that I am not the horrible monster that their mother always portrays. P.S her house went into foreclosure also and it is okay if the kids are "homeless" according to the judge. Just don't get your hopes up, build a strong relationship with your husband and know that he is put in the middle of her "games" and he needs your support always and your support of his children.

Anonymous's picture

Met my SO a year and 1/2 ago and moved in with him a couple of months ago. He is separated (just a couple of months before meeting me) from his wife of 23 years and has two kids...17 and 19. While we were seeing each other, and even when I first moved in with him, there was little contact with the ex. Pretty much just a twice weekly email with her telling him how much money she needs. After he moved out, neither she or the kids bothered to find out where he was living...which was just a few miles away, but to me it shows how little they cared.

In August, SO told his boys about me, and they were fine with it. They seemed to understand.

About 6 weeks ago the ex, or I should say soon to be ex (maybe ?), decided she wanted my SO back (after a year and 1/2 of not caring at all), and she has absolutely gone off the deep end. She calls his cell at least a dozen times a day begging him to "come home to us." It's sickening. He takes her calls and tries to comfort her. Although every now and then he gets tough on her...I've heard him tell her he is home, meaning with me, and I've heard him tell her that he's never going back, and he tells me he's never going back even if I died tomorrow, but this is so difficult! He'll backtrack and tell her he understands and he is "with her" when she tells him the pain she is in.

A few days ago, she begged to see him. Said she had to seem him soon. This weekend in fact. We live 6 hours from her, and my SO told me he wanted to sit with her and explain things and do a couple of things with his kids. So here I am sitting in a hotel room, while he is over at her house. He's been there most of the day. I know he is sending her mixed signals in trying not to squash her, and she is saying she can't live without him, that their kids don't have a mother anymore, that she just wants to try again. It's just horrible and she's got the kids acting as messengers. The youngest one, 17, called me last night and told me NOT to come to this town. That they couldn't be a "family" if I came, and then he hung up on me. I've not met this son. I've met the 19 year old and have had dinner numbers of times, and we get along fine. He is a sweet boy.

I know I'm rambling...should I just wait it out? He's living with me, and we live 6 hours from her which is a good thing, but the emotional stress and trauma she is causing for me, my SO and her kids is becoming devastating.

Confused's picture

I have been with my husband for 5 1/2 years (married 1 year 4 months) and I have always had problems with his ex-wife but since we got married, I really can't take it anymore. We both have daughters from our previous marriages (both are 9 year olds). We have been together through the entire process of both of our divorces. It has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, because of his EX and all her immature Bull!!! My ex-husband doesn't see my daughter and hasn't for almost 4 years so he causes no problems for my new husband to have to deal with. Sometimes I feel like leaving, but I know that’s what she wants. She doesn’t want him, she just wants him to be miserable and alone. Just for the record, I was NOT the reason of their divorce, she left him for someone else. She calls about every other day and picks up their daughter whenever it suits her. She comes to the house and acts like it is still hers but if I tell her that walking through my home is not acceptable, she will flip out and tell me HER child is here. When I told him I don’t want her in my house, he told me I was being unreasonable. He seems to forget that there is another child (my daughter) that lives here too. I feel that my wishes don't count. I know he is trying to keep peace but when & where does it stop. She is trying to show that she still has control and it appears that she does. She makes plans on weekends (and any other time) so have to change our plans to accommodate her (EX). I feel like I have no control over anything concerning us anymore. She will call him and talk while I’m at work or call him at work. I am so frustrated with the lack of respect from the ex, his daughter and him. I give to his child and do for her (almost) exactly the same that I give and do for my daughter. The ex treats him like crap yet he allows her to do and say whatever she wants. He constantly gets mad at me when I become upset about her and stay that way for days but when she goes off then calls the next day and apologizes she is forgiven. Whenever she gets upset she keeps his daughter away. She knows that all she has to do is threaten him with social services and he will fold. I’ll give it to her, she is so good at what she does, he know believes all the problems are ME and my inability to just GET over it--let it go in one ear and out the other because he is with me.
Prime example--My daughter is sick so she called him and asked him how long my daughter had been sick--but when their daughter is sick, she comes over here and spreads germs, so why is it a big deal when daughter is sick? She also gets mad if he leaves and I have their daughter--yet she brings her as early or late (and sometimes not at all) as she wants. She has no respet for us or any plans we may have made whether their child is with us or not--I don't really know if I can take this anymore--what really makes it so bad is that he says I cause all the problems between me and him because I won't "GET OVER IT."
HELP--I need some advise immediately!!


Anonymous - WA's picture

I know exactly where you are coming from. My step Children are 10 and 13. We did get along at first, but after I married their father they honestly hate me and will do anything to me to try and get to me. I hear stories of when they were born, what their parents were doing and how happy they were when their parents were together and how miserable they are now. They blame me for everything, not seeing their father, not having the relationship that they once had with him before I came into the picture, not seeing him like they once did. But that is their choice, we are suppose to have them Monday’s Thursday's and every other weekend. Now because of the Ex and the crap she puts into her children's heads they don't come down. We are lucky if we get them every other weekend. They haven't been down for about 4 weeks now. His son once told me that if he came down and hugged dad that she (the Ex) would find out and that she wouldn't love him anymore. Can you believe that? Not love him because he chooses to hug his own father. This makes my husband very depressed since he wants a relationship with his children and I know that they love him, but they blame me for not coming down and then he blames me for not wanting them to come down. I have always been an understanding, they are children and they don't fully understand everything. They blame their father for the divorce, yet it was their mother that cheated, that slept around, that wanted and caused the divorce. But according to the kids, it was their father fault for not wanting to be there for them anymore, that he was sick of having to deal with his own children. They hate me because I took their dad away from them and that I am mean to them, yet have never done anything wrong and haven't said anything wrong to them. The vindictive EX has come over to MY house (not his) and pushed her way in, so I called the police since she has tried it before and I warned her not to come onto my property, then I was the bad person for calling the cops on his children’s mother. The kids didn't talk to him or I for weeks. I would never go to her house, neither would my husband. that is hers and my house is mine. She calls him all the time and wishes his a happy anniversary, or calls to tell him remember our first date and how special it was. I hang up on her since I don't want him to even talk to her unless it is about the kids and then their kids get mad at me.
Another thing is getting the kids when we are suppose to, it says 5:00 the days we are suppose to get them that we pick them up at a local store, she will be 15 20 minutes late always on average. Most of the time it is more than that. Then when he is 2 minutes late dropping them off, she is on the phone so quickly with the cops it isn't even funny. One time she say us at the stop light and it had just turned red meaning we were going to be late and she called the cops (we were 1 minute late). His kids call me Bitch every time that they see me almost yet my husband doesn't believe that they would ever talk about me like that. They have even tried to hit me before and throw things at me and told me that if I ever have a kid with their father that they will do everything in their right minds to end our relationship so fast I wouldn't even see it coming because dad will listen to them and he doesn't care about me. it hurts when they do these things to me, but I never get angry or mad or say anything back, I just cry when they leave or try to find a reason to leave the house for a while. The only thing that my husband and I ever argue about is the kids and his EX and how to deal with certain things. His 13 year old daughter wears so much eye makeup she looks like a little ho, I have mentioned to him that she wears too much for only being 13, but he says that isn't up to him to tell he not to, that is crap, yes it is, grow some balls and be a parent. He acts more like a friend to them not a parent because if he disciplines them they cry to mommy and not talk to him or see him for weeks. He never stands up to his own kids, and I can't because they are not mine. I can't even tell them to make their beds at my house because his EX to me to court for abusing them by making them do something that they didn't want to do. Her case got thrown out, but still why do I want to do that again? She is an over all evil person, she is completely not all there. She has a disorder that she needs to get help with. Nobody can be this mean to people without having something wrong with her. We are going to move away from them now. In the next 6 months we will no longer be in the same city and what will they do then? They will be lost without their dad, but they won't understand that until we are already gone. At least my husband has understood that all of them are bringing are marriage down and things need to change. I am just glad that we love each other so much not to let it wreak our marriage, we are not running away either. We need to start our own lives someplace else. His kids don't see him now what would be different if we moved away. They will only call now if they want something, they can still do that when we are gone. I can't wait to get out of her, not having to see the EX or his kid’s anymore will be a relief for me. I didn't marry them I married him and that is all that matters! When the kids find out what she actually did I know that they won't hate me as much, but until then I have to live with this and deal with it the best I can. It is just hard since I just don't care anymore. We are going to have a child of our own soon and then I can worry about our own not the ones that hate me and play guilt trips on their father all the time.

I stumbled on this site while trying to find help with my situation. My situation sounds amazing similiar to most of the postings. My BF of almost 4 years feels that I am too hard on his daughter. We both have kids age 10 (they are 4 days apart). For the most part the kids get along great. The daughter tells my son on a regular basis that she hates his mom (me) and that she wishes I would leave. She tells him that she doesn't have to mind me (which she doesn't) and he's frustrated because I tell him he has to respect and mind my BF. My son adores my BF and feels slighted when these situations come up. I've talked to him about it several times and it's always the same - he's going to talk to his daughter, he's going to do something, but nothing ever happens. His ex-wife calls on almost a daily basis. If the daughter is w/ us (visitation is currently Wed. and every other weekend) she will call the a.m. that the daughter is to come over and again that night. She will call on days that the daughter isn't even w/ us just to remind BF of something that she wants him to do. I feel like she has control over his every move. I've told him I'm frustrated about this and feel like my son and I take a HUGE backseat to the ex-wife and her wants/demands/needs. He feels guilty about the divorce (you just don't get divorced in his family) even though he went to counseling to get over his ex-wife...sometimes I wonder why he allows her to "run the show". He says he doesn't want her back and would be unhappy w/out me and my son, but he doesn't ever stick up for us or stand up for himself. We've talked about discipline - their techniques are talking to the daughter while she cries, carries on and screams about how unfair her life is. These "discpline sessions" can sometimes last up to 2+ hours. Even his Mother thinks his daughter is working the situation and has a bit of the Princess Syndrome going on. Any suggestions on how to work through this? I don't want to leave because I do love him, but I don't think it's fair to me or my son to always have to take sloppy seconds to a demanding ex-wife and daughter. They are truly not doing the daughter any favors by letting her think all she has to do is whine and cry and things go her way. HELP!!!!

Where does it end??'s picture

Reading all this was great!! I'm so glad to find more woman out there like me. I have been with my BF for the last 6 years. In those 6 years we have been engaged once and broken up at least 8 times. It all comes down to his EX-Btch Wife. She is bipolar and that should speak for itself. He feels that he has to be nice to her or he has to please her. They have three children ages 10, 8, and 6. He's in constance fear that she will stop taking her meds and will end up hurting the children. She has a strong hold on him. This causes big problems for us. I have three children also ages 17, 12, and 8. They like him but they also feel his tension when they are around him. He seems to be stressed all the time. His marriage to her messed up his way of thinking. He has be going to therapy off and on since we've been together. She manipulates him and the kids so much. He sees the things she is doing but it lets it go. We fight and argue over the sh*t that she does all the time. This last Christmas she made him a blanket and bought a few other things and put the children's names on the gifts so he would accept them. This really pissed me off. I told him how that made me feel and he said he didn't look at it like she was giving him the gifts. I tried to explain that she took the time to hand make him a blanket....duhhhh... the children didn't have no part in it. It was from her. He kept it anyway. I haven't been back to his house. Until he gets rid of it I'm standing my ground. I told him to give it back to her but, he won't he said he would just keep it out of my sight. I told him not to worry because if her blanket was there I wouldn't be. Anyway.... I got carried away. She does everything she can think of to piss me off. Most of his family still talks to her and they are now telling my BF that he should give her another chance. They are trying to convince him that she is better for him than I am. He has no plans on ever getting back together with her and he tells them that but they still pressure him. When we first got together things were great with his family and now they all hate me. Well almost all of them. I know its because of her. They think it would be the best thing for the children. They have no clue what she does. He had to work a lot during the Month of he let her keep the kids more than normal. The middle child dropped two grades at school in three subjects. The oldest one went down one grade in math and two grades in science. He feels that it was his fault. So, now he's back to working with the kids everyday to bring their grades back up. She didn't do anything with them except talk to them on a daily basis about getting back together with daddy. The oldest one told him that he should really think hard about marrying her again. He couldn't believe his ears. Anyway.... this is what I have to deal with. I love this man more than anything. He melts my heart. He's my big teddy bear..... I can't let him go.... but I am finding it very hard to hang on.

Where does it end???

Susanna's picture

I have the opposite problem. My husband won't talk to his X's unless absolutely necessary. That means the kids end up negotiating visitation even as young as 10 years old. That means the kids end up with more responsibility than they should have. It also gives the kids way more power in the situation than they are prepared to manage. Kids being kids - they take advantage of that. We have a difficult time enforcing rules. My oldest SD became a delinquent quite literaly.

I am genuinely worried about the lack of discipline. We have already had one teen spiral completely out of control, and I don't think I can deal with another teenager on drugs.

I wish my husband and his x wives could get on the same page as far as parenting. The kids just play one parent off the other until they get their way; and thus avoid consequences for their actions. People who do not encounter consequences end up learning the hard way, often in jails and prisons. I do not want to see my skids become statistics and I wish the parents would provide them with firm boundaries before it's too late.

So, I guess the point is, there are some advantages to the husband/BF talking to the BM. I guess the grass is always greener.

// Susanna

newyork1's picture

I need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months (one and a half months of it were long-distance). He's been separated for a year and four months, but only officially divorced for a month and a half (even though he's been separated from her for a long time, they were sleeping together until seven months ago). They were married for almost five years, and they have a four-year-old son. They were friends before they were married, and they're still friends now. He wanted the divorce, she didn't. They share custody of their son (one week on, one week off). My problem is, he doesn't stand up to her. She got almost everything in the divorce, and she still has some stuff that he should have, but he won't ask her for it. He says he just "wants it to be over with." I find this very frustrating. But what upset me the most was, they planned a birthday party for their son (it's this coming Sunday) and she asked him to please not invite me. So he didn't. He says that it's also for my own good, since his ex and her family will most likely be hostile to me and he doens't want there to be a confrontation at his son's party. But I think he should have stood up for me and told her that he was going to invite me anyway. She doesn't want to meet me, and while part of me understands that, the larger part of me just thinks she has to get over it and grow up. I don't think it's fair that I should be excluded from his son's party (he son even wants me to go!) just because she doesn't want to meet me. I'm angry at him for not standing up to her. Am I being too harsh?

SympatheticBioDad's picture

You might get a better response to your question if you post it as a new forum topic instead of a reply to an (very) old one.

I don't think you're being too harsh. They're divorced, and she needs to get used to her ex husband having a new relationship. I know, easier said than done.


Anonymous's picture

I am about to get married in two months. Ever since the ex wife found out, my fiances little boy has really changed his behavior. He is 4 and now he always says he wants his mommy when he is with us... he used to never do that. MY FIANCE GETS HIM EVERY ONTHER WEEKEND AND on Tuesday afternoons. On the weekend that he doesnt have him, she lets my fiance also see him on Thursday afternoons (which isnt in the court agreement) but now for some reason... she wont let him see him on Thursdays now. My Fiance is always sacred to make her mad or not do what she says because he was scared of this, but sure enough for no reason... she did it anyway. She told my fiance that he just doesnt understand what she has to go thru to get the little boy ready to go see his dad ???? I am worried taht she is doing this because of me. I texted her husband ( he seems pretty reasonable) and asked if it was because of me? Well he told her that I did that... which now I wish I wouldnt have, and she called me and left a message sayng she wants to discuss some things to make me understand the situation better. My fiance said to just ket him deal with her. I am statring to het worried. I dont want a life full of DRAMA

Anonymous's picture

right now I am thousands of miles away from my wife,but last night we had one of our biggest fights she still feels like she is second in my life and that I constantly compare her to my ex I dont know what to do but any advise would be great how can I make her feel like she is the one and only in my life

barbara's picture

I met my husband when I was 15 and we had a great, loving relationship which produced 2 kids - my son is 15 and my daughter 11. He had a close working relationship with a woman at work which turned into an affair about 3 years ago - she kept contacting him at home and asking him to leave me, which is how I found out about the affair. It broke my heart, changed my life and, most importantly, hurt my children.

We tried to make it work, but there was too much hurt and anger, and he ended up with her again. Obviously a greedy cheat is better than a sad, needy wife.

When my children first started to sleep at her house it made me feel physically ill. I couldn't stand the thought of the hands that had touched my husband's body touching my children. I feel violated by her - I feel abused by the situation.

My ex turned up today to fetch my kids with her kid in tow. Why? Why would he feel the need to humiate me further?

Yes - I hate the woman he is now with - she has stolen so much from me and I can't bare the thought of my kids even talking to her. I'm NOT a "bio", or a "biomom" I'm the mother, I'm "mom" - you people are fooling yourselves if you think you can negate the love and passion that existed between your partners and the mothers of their children by making it sound like a factory process. They were in love - no matter what they tell you.

Woman whose husbands leave them after an affair feel as though they lost in a war they didn't know they were fighting. The only thing left to fight for is the kids. I tell mine it's ok for them to like her, but they have to understand that its ok for me to hate her. And I do.

Anonymous's picture

to hear barbara about your situation! My theory is that people who cheat are never in relationships to begin with. Though its very hard try and be happy hes gone. He'll likely do the same to her.

By cheating and then leaving the family for this woman he has already earned his childrens lifetime of disrepect. I agree you don't want to teach hate to them, but they will always know what their dad did. That you shouldn't hide, kids deserve the truth. At this point just try to be a good parent, and you will have a lot of support from you children. Also I would retain a good attorney and try to get the minimal visitation that you can. The only way you can keep her away from your kids is if you find something on her in the court system. Drunk driving, criminal, ect. so its very unlikely, but you can try and stipilate that the children are not to be left alone with her. Your situation reminds me of a relative I have, she was left with 3 children also for another woman. Later on her husband found out his gf was previously married 5 times. He became the 6th, lol and later found out it wasn't so green on the other side. Today his two children (grown) refuse to have a relationship with him and he hasn't seen his grandkids. So sometimes what goes around comes back around, your ex will get that as his children become older, although too late. Hang in there, things will get better because your the stable parent and your kids see that.

Anonymous's picture

You are a bitter old bitch who needs to realize that your husband probably had good reason to have an affair...just like my boyfriend left his girlfriend because she was lazy and controlling and he is with me because I am not. This is no reason to try and "ruin" the relationship between your children and the new girlfriend...grow up and stop being a possessive, jealous freak. He is not yours anymore, and I know the relationship that I have with my boyfriend is FAR more passionate and full of love than he had with the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD...give it up and get over Bio-mothers just make me sick...we stepmothers are not out to STEAL your babies...

bettyboop's picture

Barbara, you said it! I too am THE mom. My situation sounds soooo similar to yours. I was married for 15 years and my ex walked out on us as well. Actually he walked out twice. The first time was when the kids were much younger and of course it was for someone else.

I found out my ex was living with this "girl" on mothers' day. Nice huh? I let him have the kids that evening so they could go see his mother, after all, his mother had nothing to do with his leaving. When he returned the kids that evening I saw "her" getting out of the car and giving my kids a hug. I vomitted in my foyer. I had no idea she was even in the country. He had told me she was still living in her home country. They had been living together 4 months before I found out. The thought of her touching my children sickens me. Someone with no moral compass and such little regard for the kids and family.

He even took her to our beach house and slept in OUR bed. I found out because I tood the kids there for spring break and found blond hair in the bed.

I have full custody of the kids and he only sees them at the most once a week for a short dinner out. He has only had the kids over night 7 times in a year and a half. Partly due to the fact that I do not want my teenagers spending the night when they are shacking up. That is against our family values.

I was fortunate enough to hire one of the top lawyers in the country. I got a huge child support order plus 9 years of spousal support and you better believe I will take him back every year to get the support raised.

I agree, I hate the woman who helped destroy my family and will never forgive her. I realize he is the one with the committment and not her but she was wrong as well.

I would doubt my kids will ever accept her if they do get married. They know what has happened (they flat out asked me) and the mere fact she is closer to their age than my ex is disturbing enough for them.

Barbara, I can relate and I wish you the best

Sarah's picture

Hi, I am new to this site and I just have to vent. My boyfriend and I are living together while we are waiting for his divorce to become final from his wife. This woman has done everything possible to hurt me, my boyfriend and their two children(9&12). She has made scenes in public at the childrens sporting events, even her father sexually harassed me and I had to take him to court to get a protective order issued!!! He harassed me infront of the children and parents at a baseball field during a game screaming at me. My boyfriend of course was livid and he stuck by me through it all. The wife though is the worst. She is much older than I and she has no class. She constanly leaves messages on my boyfriends phone about me and even hired a private investigator to check me out. She is a terrible mom and never does anything with her children. My boyfriend and I do alot with the kids and the 9 year old girl really loves to hang out with me. The 12 year old boy however is so brainwashed by the wife that he refuses to come over to our home. My boyfriend is trying desperatly to get him and his son in counseling. He is such a good father. They have been separated 1 year and 6 months and the wife is still crying because she wants Curt(my boyfriend) back. I have heard him tell her time and time again....I don't love you, it's over, stop calling, he has even said some really hurtful things to her and she just doesn't want to let go.....there divorce will be final in about 2 weeks but I know that this woman will never leave us alone until she finds someone to give her some attention. she has even contacted girls who graduated highschool with me to see if she can find any dirt on me. This woman clearly has no self worth, self esteem , or any pride. This is such nightmare. My boyfriend and I are so tired of dealing with this pathetic woman who just won't let go!!!!

Anyone else going through anything similar???
I guess the only good thing is that I have my boyfriends support and he loathes her as much as I do!!!

Anonymous-WA's picture

I know exactly where you are coming from. My step Children are 10 and 13. We did get along at first, but after I married their father they honestly hate me and will do anything to me to try and get to me. I hear stories of when they were born, what their parents were doing and how happy they were when their parents were together and how miserable they are now. They blame me for everything, not seeing their father, not having the relationship that they once had with him before I came into the picture, not seeing him like they once did. But that is their choice, we are suppose to have them Monday’s Thursday's and every other weekend. Now because of the Ex and the crap she puts into her children's heads they don't come down. We are lucky if we get them every other weekend. They haven't been down for about 4 weeks now. His son once told me that if he came down and hugged dad that she (the Ex) would find out and that she wouldn't love him anymore. Can you believe that? Not love him because he chooses to hug his own father. This makes my husband very depressed since he wants a relationship with his children and I know that they love him, but they blame me for not coming down and then he blames me for not wanting them to come down. I have always been an understanding, they are children and they don't fully understand everything. They blame their father for the divorce, yet it was their mother that cheated, that slept around, that wanted and caused the divorce. But according to the kids, it was their father fault for not wanting to be there for them anymore, that he was sick of having to deal with his own children. They hate me because I took their dad away from them and that I am mean to them, yet have never done anything wrong and haven't said anything wrong to them. The vindictive EX has come over to MY house (not his) and pushed her way in, so I called the police since she has tried it before and I warned her not to come onto my property, then I was the bad person for calling the cops on his children’s mother. The kids didn't talk to him or I for weeks. I would never go to her house, neither would my husband. that is hers and my house is mine. She calls him all the time and wishes his a happy anniversary, or calls to tell him remember our first date and how special it was. I hang up on her since I don't want him to even talk to her unless it is about the kids and then their kids get mad at me.
Another thing is getting the kids when we are suppose to, it says 5:00 the days we are suppose to get them that we pick them up at a local store, she will be 15 20 minutes late always on average. Most of the time it is more than that. Then when he is 2 minutes late dropping them off, she is on the phone so quickly with the cops it isn't even funny. One time she say us at the stop light and it had just turned red meaning we were going to be late and she called the cops (we were 1 minute late). His kids call me Bitch every time that they see me almost yet my husband doesn't believe that they would ever talk about me like that. They have even tried to hit me before and throw things at me and told me that if I ever have a kid with their father that they will do everything in their right minds to end our relationship so fast I wouldn't even see it coming because dad will listen to them and he doesn't care about me. it hurts when they do these things to me, but I never get angry or mad or say anything back, I just cry when they leave or try to find a reason to leave the house for a while. The only thing that my husband and I ever argue about is the kids and his EX and how to deal with certain things. His 13 year old daughter wears so much eye makeup she looks like a little ho, I have mentioned to him that she wears too much for only being 13, but he says that isn't up to him to tell he not to, that is crap, yes it is, grow some balls and be a parent. He acts more like a friend to them not a parent because if he disciplines them they cry to mommy and not talk to him or see him for weeks. He never stands up to his own kids, and I can't because they are not mine. I can't even tell them to make their beds at my house because his EX to me to court for abusing them by making them do something that they didn't want to do. Her case got thrown out, but still why do I want to do that again? She is an over all evil person, she is completely not all there. She has a disorder that she needs to get help with. Nobody can be this mean to people without having something wrong with her. We are going to move away from them now. In the next 6 months we will no longer be in the same city and what will they do then? They will be lost without their dad, but they won't understand that until we are already gone. At least my husband has understood that all of them are bringing are marriage down and things need to change. I am just glad that we love each other so much not to let it wreak our marriage, we are not running away either. We need to start our own lives someplace else. His kids don't see him now what would be different if we moved away. They will only call now if they want something, they can still do that when we are gone. I can't wait to get out of her, not having to see the EX or his kid’s anymore will be a relief for me. I didn't marry them I married him and that is all that matters. When we have a child of our own, things may get worse, but at least we willl have something we can care for together and bring up correctly, to the best of our ability.

mielke15's picture

Why do people use children like that? Even if I hated the step mom I would not say things to my children about her. I would use her mistakes like mine and my husbands as examples for growing up. But to attack anyone is wrong. Children, no matter the age, need to make up their own minds about anyone they meet. We need to protect our kids not use them to manipulate situations we don't like or whatever. I wish you luck.

KC's picture

My boyfriend's soon to be ex wife is not a stable mom to his 3 children... does some wacky things like dying his 7 yr. old daughter's beautiful blonde hair brown (because I'm blonde), they go to school in dirty clothes,she's sending his 13 yr. old to counseling because "dad isn't fun anymore since he's had his girlfriend" (when the girl has SERIOUS other problems such as smoking, drinking, failing every class in school,having lesbian sex with an older girl right in her mom's home). The list goes on, and here's my dilemma...
I'm a mom too... 2 girls, one son. They are happily adjusted since my separation from their father, healthy, great students, and love my BF to pieces. I think of myself as a great mother, and when I see the wacky things my BFs ex does to her kids, I have a "moral fit" and tend to ramble on about it to my BF (as I'm concerned about his daughter's welfare). He can't stand his ex, and says there's nothing he can do to control what she does...she just hangs up when he calls to discuss the kids. He has his girls 3 days a week, but doesn't have the living accomadations for them to live with him full time. (which is a concern because the ex is being evicted from her home soon). He CANT'TAKE the things that she does, but he says it's even harder for him to deal with me and my feelings/talking about the wacky ex. How do I deal with these things??? Just turn the other cheek and say "they're not my kids, mind my own business?" I care about these girls and can't help but to voice my opinion... any suggestions? I'm willing to try anything as this 3 yr. relationship is going down fast. HELP!!!!!

Anonymous-WA's picture

I just want to tell you thank you for understanding. It is hard being the step mom, harder than I ever imagines it would be. I don't want to ever take those children away from their mother, because they are hers and my ex husbands. He actions on the other hand make me want them to be with us even more. They are in a negative situation, where they are told that I am an evil person when I have never done anything wrong and have always been nice to them. I dislike the fact that my husbands ex is taking their children away from him because of spite. He wasn't the one that cheated, she was. She was the one that wreaked their marriage and ended it. He wanted to work through it for his kids because he loves them more than anything else, other than maybe me, but I am a different kind of love. a love for a child is never the same.
In response to bettyboop, put yourself in someone else's shoes every once and a while. Having a person who isn't a bad influence being around your children isn't gong to hurt them. It will make them a better person. Don't you thing your children no matter what happened wants happiness for their parents (mom and dad)? We as stepmoms are not here to take over their children. We are here because we want to be. We want to teach the children that life isn't over, that everything no matter what will be alright and make them realize that their father is happy. Divorce is cruel to the children. What I don't like is the mothers that take out the bitterness of the divorce on their children and make it seem like it is all the child's fathers fault. Sometimes it is, but my husbands ex does this and he is the one that was willing to work on it until he caught her sleeping with him on their anniversary! What if the children would have come home from school and saw that? The children don't have to know what happened to split their parents. That is none of their business until they are old enough to understand. I just don't like her playing games with their children telling them that their father doesn't love them. A parents love will never end for their children no matter what. My husbands ex is the devil though because she does this, because she won't let them children see their father, because she says evil things about him on a daily basis and uses this against them everyday. telling them that she won't love them if they go down to our place, telling them that if they hug their OWN father that she won't love them. She plays all sorts of mind games with children, her own children in spite! I know it must not be easy seeing another woman come into her children's life, but seriously maybe she should have though about that before she choose to cheat and wreak a marriage!

kbell1456's picture

Reading what everyone has to say about their situations, has really opened my eyes. I have been feeling so alone, dealing with my situation without having anyone to talk to. Any suggestions or comments that any one has to offer me would be greatly appreciated.
Here's my situation: I met my current bf on a flight in April of 2006. We talked for the whole flight about our interests and just about our lives in general. He didn't tell me he was married at the time and had a daughter, but I don't think he had to we were just talking. We exchanged email addresses and got to know each other better over the next 2 months. I should mention now that I lived in Canada and he lived in the United States (900 miles away). One day I got a phone call, it was his wife that he still hadn't told me about. She told me he was married and had a daughter, she also told me that he had an STD (which turned out to be a lie). I immediately confronted him about it, and he told me the truth. What he added was that they were separated, and they had been separated twice before and the reason that she wanted a child with him was to try and save the marriage. My bf and I started talking on the phone almost every day. In August of 2006 he came to visit me for 3 days. We had such a great time. I tried so hard not to fall in love with him but I couldn't. We had such a hard time saying goodbye to each other. 3 weeks later he quit his job, filed for divorce, packed up his stuff, and moved to Canada. I will admit it all happened really fast. The divorce was finalized in January of 2007. He paid child support from the day he left, has been back twice to see his daughter(10 days both times), and talks to his daughter 2-3 times a week (depending on his ex). Since he moved here his ex has been absolutley ridiculous. I've had to change my phone numbers as well as block her numbers. I had to file a police report because her and her friends were calling my work 5-6 times a day. She dedicated her Myspace page to trashing me, calls me names to my bf every time she talks to him, and tried to get it put in the divorce that I can never be around her daughter because I am an amateur kickboxer. Obviously she got laughed at, and it never made it in the divorce. I haven't gone with my bf yet to visit his daughter. I didn't think it was appropriate until the divorce was final and things had settled down a bit. Things haven't settled down though. She keeps asking my bf to move back. It really bothers me when he tells me that. When he visits his daughter though he doesn't stay at the house with his ex. That means a lot to me, because I thought it would be confusing for the daughter and disrespectful to me. His ex calls and leaves me messages and then when I call back won't answer her phone. My bf says she's scared of me, but I don't know how I've never met her. I really don't know how to handle this. I am not good at dealing with people like his ex. She has already slept with two of my bf's friends trying to hurt him. She's out partying all the time, she works all day,a nd barely spends any time with her daughter. Before Christmas, she caled my bf and told him that she didn't have money for food for their daughter. When he showed up to pick up his daughter his ex had a new cell phone, new furniture, new clothes, her hair and nails done. He was so mad at her, and even more at himself for believing her lies. She keeps saying that she wants to put their daughter first but she has yet to do that. I am really nervous about going with my bf to visit his daughter, not because I don't want to just because I know his ex is going to make a big scene and probably not let him see his daughter because I'm there. Every 6 weeks I put a package together to send to his daughter (books, crayons, toys, puzzles, etc...) but his ex thinks that it's only from him. I know the truth but I am feeling really excluded. His ex can't keep me away from their daughter forever. From reading some of the other stories, I get the feeling that these games are going to continue for a long time. His ex is making my life hell, the biggest reason is because I am letting her and I don't know how to stop that.

I could really use some advice and tips on how to handle this situation, and also on how to not let it affect my relationship with my bf. Thanks for letting me rant, I've been keeping all this in too long.

jezabelle's picture

easy. Get rid of the creep you hooked up with. Once you knew he was married you kept communicating with him so your not blameless in all of this, so do the right thing.

Anonymous's picture

I never imagined myself in this situation but here I am. I'm 37 divorced for 10 years and have older children. I've been fine being on my own and have dated off and on though the years I just haven't found someone I can see spending my life with until now.

I met my BF 3 years ago. He had a live-in who was pregnant by him, not married, unfullfilled but wanting to do the right thing. The kicker is he was already with her 6 years. He was engaged to her after she got pregnant but even to this date has not married her.

We started as friends and has over the years moved to a deep relationship. I've many times tried to bring the relationship back to friendship mainly by avoiding sexual contact. In the last 9 mo. I have not had sexual contact with him. That didn't stop our need to see each other all the time and spend hours on the phone daily while he is at work. He has also many times tried to stay away from me. It's quite obvious to the both of us that we are in love.

I finally realized I have myself in a rut because I'm also faithful to him because he is the only person I really want. The guilt of being the affair was getting to me. And I'm tired of being hidden. Around christmastime I broke up with him. I told him we couldn't talk anymore for awhile. I needed to move on and get him out of my heart so I could eventually allow myself to be with someone I can actually have a future with.

This man has always kept his emotions to himself for the mostpart. He never really told me how he felt about me I just always knew by his actions and attention to me. When I broke up with him the second night of not talking he drove by my house late at night and wanted to talk. I could tell he was scared of losing me but was confused on what he should do.

The next time we talked he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but he needed to know from me when and how. I told him it would need to be done slowly and we needed to talk more about having a plan regarding how to tell everyone, finances, the children, where we'd live and when we'd make the transition.

Since then he's been more open with his feelings for me, publically displaying affections which always was a no no before. He's begun to park his truck in front of my house which was never done before.

I just don't know how we should do this with the least amount of disruption to the children and her. I feel bad for her but I also have felt bad seeing him unhappy in his life for the past 3 years. I feel the most guilty for his son who is 3 now and I've thought long and hard of all the affects this will have on everyone involved. But, I also feel his son doesn't need to grow up in a house that is emotionally sterile and exposed to a lot of arguements.

My BF solely owns his home as I do but I know we shouldn't live in either home and he can't afford to keep his home only on his income. I don't want to rush anything but I can't handle knowing he is still living with her. I don't want him to right away move in here right away because this all needs to be done slowly so everyone involved can have time to adjust to the changes.

I have looked up books on blending families and just don't seem to get the advice I need for my situation.

I just would like some advice from people who have been in similar experiences. Primarily how to make such great life changes and how to slowly blend your family under these circumstances.

I feel he needs to tell her soon but I want a plan and guidelines with each other so things don't fall apart and get more caotic then they already will be until things settle down.

I'm about to fall apart and really want to have a real specific plan so at least through this tough time we know what exactly what we are working towards.

I just want to do this in the healthiest way for all parties involved and I don't know where to begin.

angela's picture

my husbands ex is always taking us to court and we have spent all of our money. She won't stop though. she is now taking us to suspend contact with me the sm. she said I have said things in front of her daughter that depicted her badly and trying to change the ay her daughter looks at her. I never say anything in front of her daughter but she was angry because I sent an email to her mother who inteferes and manipulates like her. I also on myspace just blogged aparagraph about things. I did not use names. But she is trying to use it to suspend contact. She lys to her daughter about my husband and me. Anything ugky you can imagine she says and does. We just want her to leave us alone. We have two childern together now , and she tells my sd that my children are ugly and me also. She tells her she does not have to eat our food, so she throws fits if we cook and do not take her to mcdonalds. my sd is now 5yrs she was 1yr when we maried my husbands ex left him for another man, when it did not work out with her new love she stated attacking us. What can I do?

puterlady's picture

I have known my step children now for quite a while. Their mother just had abandoned them left the country and then turned around and attempted to win custody. When I met my huband he was in the middle of a bad custody battle in which he won. The kids grew attached to me very quickly since I am there in their lives and the mother chose to leave them. Their mom would only call to try to find out some way of discrediting their Dad and bullying him. The kids learned really quickly to play both sides against each other. My SD learned at a very young age how to hurt both me and her mother by playing the games sames she learned watching her mother. Keep in mind neither of us like the other. I want the kids to know and love their Mom. No one is keeping the BM away. She keeps herself away. I just made it really clear to my SD that I won't let a young one dictate my life or hurt me. My house is just that mine. No one else but my husband has any say so period. I don't care if she loves her mother more (it is her mother) and she has the capacity to love more than one person. They can only manipulate you if they know they can hurt you. So don't let them. Their father stands behind me 100%. They now know since they live in MY house and live with me that they will have to deal with me. They have one set of rules for my house and another whole set of rules in their mothers house. It is made to the kids that it is my house and mine and their fathers rules in this house. If the BM has a problem then she needs to contact the BD period. She won't because she refuses to communicate with him. He wants a friendly relationship with her but she is mean hearted and will never do it unless it benefits her. I guess I just won't allow ANYONE to tell me how to run my household. Especially a BM who is not doing her job as a parent living around the world and barely even calling her children. She doesn't do anything more than the court mandates and gives her children NOTHING for Bdays and holidays which is really sad. She doesn't know what she is missing. I figure when the kids get older they will see who really does for them and who is really there when they need them. I don't need any glory but I do demand respect. If your husband doesn't stand behind you then there is no point of staying and letting someone else dictate your life in your own home. Id rather be alone then to have to put up with that.

Angie's picture

its just really hard for me. all this x stuff. a long time ago, second wives didn't have to put up with this. The first wife died, then out of necessity, for the kids, the man took another wife.nowadays, the husband, has his cake and gets to eat it too. He has an ex wife and a girlfriend. these are just the plain facts. the x never goes away. You can never truelly have a man if he has been married before.

Anonymous's picture

any woman that puts up with having another woman in the picture is one with issue's. Don't allow it, or find another man. Otherwise those are poor choices that keeps you in misery, make better ones.

Anonymous-WA's picture

Like I've said before being a step mom is the hardest thing that a woman can do to an extent. Yes, we as step mom's put ourselves in the situation that we are in, but doesn't mean that we have to deal with all the BS that EX wives put on us. Especially for me, since my husband wasn't the one that cheated or wreaked the marriage, it was all her. How about walking in on your wife with a stock guy from a local grocery store on your anniversary? Then the EX taking everything because of a no fault state. She didn't want the kids anymore that is why she even admitted she did what she did, but now that she divorced him she wants everything and it is crap. She takes my husband her EX to court all the time, she uses the kids to get things and uses the kids against their own father because it makes her feel good. She treats me like crap and spreads rumors around are little town about me all the time. I don't know how many times people have come up to me and asked me why I did this or that to her, people I don't even know. I have only been nice to her or as nice as I could. She is a manipulative bit*h that deserves nothing more than the clothes on her back and the whore boyfriend that she now has(same one she cheated on with while still married). If she is such a mean person, how are their kids going to turn out. If she teaches her kids nothing but to be mean, manipulative and crazy why should I really care about there well being? It isn't like she allows us to see them even though my husband has JC. Because if they come down she tells her kids that they won't love her if she crazy can one woman be?

Lise's picture

Hi Jan,

I can`t believe how similar my thoughts are to a lot of users here who have posted in reply to your thread.
I am a stepmum too, to my husbands 9 year old son. My husband and ex wife divorced 2 years ago, I met him 6 months after the divorce was finalised and we got married 11 months later. That was when his ex wife started to get difficult. She stopped my stepson from being able to attend our wedding and told us that if we weren`t going to take him on our honeymoon with us then we wouldn`t see him until after the holiday she`d booked (which funnily enough was the 2 weeks coinciding with our wedding day and honeymoon). I have 2 sons of my own , 19 and 17 and it`s really surprised me how much I feel for my stepson, I love the little lad to bits. He` s a fantastic kid who I`m pleased to be able to say, I`ve got on really well with since day one of meeting him. It`s a shame the situation isn`t so good where my husbands ex wife is concerned though.
My stepson asked if he could start spending more than every other weekend with us so we sent a text to his mum asking if we could talk about the situation, but as is the usual response she waited for a couple of weeks and another text from us before she told us she wasn`t prepared to discuss anything with us until she knew what the exact details were. She then decided to start telling my stepson that the house my husband and I live in should rightly be his if anything happens to his Dad in the future as blood is thicker than water...that`s when we began to realise that she would rather `play dirty` than be fair and mature about things.
We decided to take advice from a solicitor and were advised to begin the whole legal process by trying mediation first. We met a brick wall with that option as the ex wife wouldn`t mediate in the same rooom as my husband at all. The mediators were great and said that they could see no reason why I couldn`t attend with my husband if the ex wasn`t prepared to mediate in the same room, they were more than happy for me to attend. That met with a total refusal and the message that was passed to me and my husband was " she (me) has no right to be involved, he is my son and if she`s there then the whole mediation is on an imbalance from the start". So, I said I`d be happy to take a back seat providing that the ex would mediate in the same room with my husband, again she refused and decided to delay the whole process by saying she`d booked a holiday and wouldn`t be back for a couple of weeks. Anyway, the upshot is that we felt we had no choice but to make an application to the courts, that we were going to get nowhere with the mediation.
We`ve seen the Cafcass officer assigned to our case and he has stated that after talking to my stepson and his mum he believes that my stepson is at risk of emotional harm due to the way things are for him with his mum and the way that she continues to refuse any mediation despite knowing what a detrimental effect this is having on her son. He`s had violent episodes at school, has run away from his mum after she told him she can`t cope with him and that he should just go and live with his dad. She`s made terrible, wicked allegations against my husband and there seems to be no end to her venom against us.
We now have to wait for Social Services to contact us as the Cafcass officer has recommended a section 37. My stepson has told us that his mum has told him, if he tels anyone that he wants to spend more time with us, she will lose some of her benefits and will have to sell the house and move away. She`s also told him that if he comes to live with us she`ll move to Australia and he`ll never see her again. My heart breaks for this little boy, who so desperately wants to spend more time with us but who seems to be made to feel guilty for wanting that extra time with us.
I never once stopped my sons seeing their dad or ever made things difficult, despite the violent relationship I had with him and I can`t understand mothers/fathers who can cause so much hurt and upset to their kids and to ex partners who so obviously love, care for their kids and happily support financially.
I really have no idea how things will go with Social Services but one thing I am sure of is that me, my husband and stepson don`t deserve to be hurt like this all because of someones jealousy and nasty mind. My heart goes out to all of the step parents and genuinely caring ex partners who have to endure such a difficult time. I won`t give up supporting my husband and I sure as hell won`t give up on being there for my stepson no matter how much harder all this gets and it`s nice to read that I`m not alone when I feel that this is a horrible situation to be in.
The age old saying is `what goes around, comes around` and although I don`t like to think the worst of anyone, I hope that saying applies in time to my husbands ex.

Jen's picture

I know exactly where yall are coming from. I married a man that has custody of his daughter from his first marriage. His ex is bipolar so let me say it has been more than interesting and stressful. My stepdaughter says that she does not have to listen to me because her mother tells her "you do not have to listen to that b**** she is not your mother!!!" Although my husband disagrees and says that she does seeing as how she lives with us full time. He and I have a 3 and 1 year old together. Our 3 year old sees how the 11 year old talks to us and now she says my sissy can so I can too. No ammount of discipline seems to phase her I don't like the whole spanking idea so I don't do it. Does anyone else have this kind of problem with your husbands or BF ex-wife?

Anonymous's picture

My situation is this, I have been with my husband for 6years and in those years his daughter and I have never had a problem with each other even when I have to discipline her. A few weeks ago I had a talk with her and afterwards everything was fine, the next thing I know is that her mom has forbidden her to come to our house because she claims I am a bad parent and she needs to protect her daughter's feelings. The problem is her daughter did something that was not right and I sat her down and told her about it and now my husband can only see his daughter at their house or at school functions. I have 3 kids of my own and this is the second time I have been a stepparent and I have never had these problems. My husband and his ex were never married and she has done nothing but jump from one guy to the next. I have done nothing but go out of my way to try and please this woman and to no avail it does no good. My children are 17, 14, and 3 years old they are not perfect but they are good kids, they go to public school which also seems to be an issue because my stepdaughter attends private school and her mother thinks and tells me and my husband all the time that her daughter is better than my kids because she goes to private school and therefore she has a better upbringing. I am at my wits end on how to handle the ex and her daughter. Any Suggestions

Anonymous's picture

I am somewhat dealing with some of the same things that I have read here in this forum. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. Of those 6 years we have been married for one. I too, like all of you cannot stand his ex-wife. He always says that things with her will get better, but they haven't. I even thought that after she got married and she and her current husband had a child together that she would quit being such a bitch, but she hasn't. We are suppose to have his daughters, age 8 and 12, every other weekend, but for the past 4 months, she has always had some excuse as to why it is not our weekend or they have a religious thing to go to or they have a birthday party or family function. There always seems to be something....when it's suppose to be our weekend. My husband has talked to her about this but she claims that she does not remember the conversation. She has e-mail now so at least my husband has all of the visitation denial in black and white and could use it to his advantage, but he chooses not to go to FOC with this information because he says they won't do anything. I am just so fed up with her crap and it is starting to cause problems in our marriage, mostly because I am not the kind of person that can just sit back and do nothing and I have a hard time understanding how he can do that. It's as if he really doesn't care whether he sees his kids or not. I have a 6 year old daughter of my old and I know that if I had to fight for visitation, I would do it. She sees her father every other weekend and I don't deny him visitation. I'm just tired of her control over the situation and his sitting on his ass and doing nothing. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't complain about it. You see....he will complain about his ex-wife and not being able to see his kids but yet he sits back and does nothing. I don't get it? Can anyone tell me why????? I'm confused. To me, you have not even earned the right to complain about not seeing your kids if you aren't going to do anything to help the situation.

louise's picture

Don't want to be too blunt here. But its up to him whether he wants a close relationship or not. Apparently he doesn't, and every time you bring it up you are starting an argument. Let it go, and concentrate on your own family and marriage. Maybe his ex and kids are happy and your husband inside is happy the way it is.

Don't undermine yourself.

Anonymous's picture

I am so happy I found this forum!! First of all, My Husband has 2 exwives, he has 2 children with the first one ages 16,15 and a five year old beautiful princess with the second one. The first wife and the second one are best friends and as you can all imagine they hate me. They constantly say very bad and nasty things to the children about us. My husband pays 780.00 a month for support for the 2 older children and 350.00 for the younger one. Plus we have to give them about 300.00 extra every month because the first wife says that the 780.00 isn't enough. I totally understand that she might need more money every now and then because she has two teenagers. You all know how expensive that can get! What makes me angry is that my husband and I work 3 jobs each to be able to pay for our bills and their bills. They do not appreciate anything we do for the kids. They told us that we shouldn't have anything anyway and that all our income should go to them. I try not to get involved and when the kids say all the bad things the mom and the second wife say about me and about my husband I change the subject and start talking about school, etc. I don't know what to do anymore!! I also have a seven year old that lives with us and they think it's not fair that my husband spends more time with him than with his own children even though my husband picks them up almost every day. I just hoped that they wouldn't be saying bad things about my husband in front of the children. If they want to talk about how much they hate him, they should do it when the kids are not around.

Anonymous's picture

My husband & I have been married for 4 years,& I have absolutely had it with his ex wife. My husband has her in all our business, it's sickening! He puts her feelings before mine, I'm about ready to move out. We have a 10 month old baby, & now he's taking him over to his ex wifes house. I also have to deal with his ex wifes sisters kids sleeping over at my house, and her family visiting my house. Please help!

Mandi's picture

First I'd like to say that I have read most of these posts and am so happy to hear that I am not the only one dealing with these kinds of issues...many thanks to everyone having to deal with's not easy!!!! I have been married to a man that I absolutely adore for 5 months, we dated for a year before we were married. We are both previously divorced in 2005 with two girls, mine is 6 and his is 4. I am 27 and he is 34, we both have good, stable jobs and are very responsible and practical. His previous marriage was nothing short of a Jerry Springer episode. I'll start from the beginning: They were engaged for four months before they got married, she was pregnant, he was 29 and she was 19 (yes, VERY young, I know) He has told me that during the engagement he noticed she totally changed from being the clean, nice, loving woman he had known to a lying, deceitful slob as soon as he slapped the ring on her finger. He said they got married anyway though. (I guess because of the baby) During their "brief" marriage, (they were only married a year and a half) she cheated on him 3 times, one of those he caught her red handed in bed with the other guy. She also lied about finances, wrote a bunch of hot checks and put him in a lot of debt. When he filed for divorce, she, her mom and her aunt lied and tried to nail my husband for abuse, saying he was an abusive husband/dad to get custody of their little girl. My husband fought tooth and nail, recorded conversations, got videotape, etc. for custody and won. She even went as far to tell the judge on the stand that she didn't want to raise her daughter, that she wanted to give her daughter to her mother to raise. To name a few other things, she was charged with having oral sex with a teacher in high school, shoplifted and is a compulsive liar.(or so my husband says) She has visitation every Thursday night, and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. Well, before we were married, she was not cooperative at all. She found out he was dating me and was being very hateful and trying to cause problems. She even told my husband if he married me she would never speak to him again. She's also one of these types that lies and says she's going on a cruise or things of that nature to make her look like she's "cool" or "big" to my husband and that she's having the time of her life, then we find out it is all lies. While we were dating she would call him and ask him for favors like a copy of their divorce decree or copies of paperwork she said she needed to get her last name changed. He obliged and then she turned around and stabbed him in the back with it by trying to sue him. (she still hasn't changed her last name by the way even though she was ordered by the court to do so, and it's been two years) She would never pick up her daughter on Thursday's, her mother always would, and when she had her daughter on the weekends we would find out that she didn't even spend time with her, either her mother would have her or her aunt or something, she just dumps her off. She's is extremely irresponsible and obviously doesn't care about her daughter to spend time with her. My husband has been to court numerous times for child support and she never shows up. She is now a flight attendant and still has problems picking up her daughter, so my husband made it a point that she has to be the one to pick up/drop off, period. Not her mom, aunt, etc. Now that this has happened she has been around a bit more but her mother still picks up and drops off when she calls and says she can't for some lame reason. She blames this on her job because she is not around, but I know better because this happened before she even had this job, and we have found out that she has been lying about her work hours. She's always asking to change her schedule, or for time that is not designated hers. We can't even make plans on her weekends or Thursday nights because we have to wait and see if she's going to pick up her daughter or not. This is really starting to effect our marriage, I am a VERY patient person and can put up with a lot of things, I kept thinking it will get better and she will move on. You know how things happen and you let them slide, then they just start to build up?? For instance, in my case, my husband still keeps all the pictures from when he was with his ex and claims he is keeping it for his "daughter", which is fine, I guess I understand that. But I found a card in his sock drawer the other day that she gave him I guess when she was pregnant about being a new daddy, when I confronted him he said he was saving that for his daughter too, but if so why was it in his sock drawer??? You would think this would be put away with other baby things. We had just moved so there is no way it could have been in there by accident, it was put there. And there are other things, like he has a dog that was hers that he has had for four years, we recently adopted a little beagle that is about 10 months old. Well, one of our daughters has developed serious allergies and we have to get rid of the dogs, so my husband says he will get rid of the Beagle and not the dachsund....but why one and not the other?? Don't both have to go? One Thursday that she was due to pick her daughter up at my house, I get home at about 6:20pm. (her pick up time is 6:00pm) and find her parked in the driveway and him and her standing outside talking. As soon as she saw me get out of the car with groceries she completely ignored me and got in her car. As I walked up I tried to wave to her but she just kept looking down and ignoring me. As I walked in the house to put the groceries up I heard her yelling something out the window and giggling about cutting his daughers hair, and my husband started to giggle and laugh too. I took it as being "flirtatious" and so I got snippy with him, and he responded to me by saying "Oh, you're just jealous." Jealous of what?? A lying cheating woman who is a bad mother??? He totally stormed off and wouldn't even talk to me. Then aftewards we had a heart to heart talk, and without me even saying a word about what had happened he mentioned that he thinks she was being a little flirtatious.....BINGO!! I am NOT crazy! What made me upset was I thought he was flirting back, and I think he was, but he will never admit it. Deep down I feel that he still wants her in his life for some reason, what I can't figure out is why you would still want (and your child) to be around someone like my opinion the first thing he would have done would have been to get FULL custody of his daughter if he feared for her and totally gotten her out of the picture for good...for his daugther's sake anyway. He has been told numerous times that he can't make his ex be a mother, yet he will not stop trying to keep her in the picture. I was supposed to pick up the girls from day care last Fri and when I got there, his daughter was not there, and the ladies were saying she never showed up. I started freaking out because I thought someone had taken her or that she was gone! It scared the crap out of me. When I called my husband I asked him and he said she was with her mother. I was SO upset that he didn't tell me!!! He apologized and said it slipped his mind, but how does something like that slip your mind for an entire day and a half!!!! I told him he should have told me as soon as he had talked to his ex and they made these plans, I felt totally left out. Plus, when it comes to your kids, how can that just slip your mind??? I have confronted him on many of these things but he usually just says I am jealous when I know that I am not, I think it is just a cop out because he doesn't want to discuss it. I brought up counseling and said I thought it would be a very positive thing for us, but I noticed he was wary about going.....that to me is a red flag that he either doesn't want to hear about his own faults from another or can't face them. I really feel torn because I don't want to be the nagging wife no one wants to come home to, but I also can't ignore my feelings. What is so strange is that we have a great marriage, she is the only problem we have....and it's a BIG one. I have been mulling this over in my mind for some time trying to make sure that I am not being unreasonable or jealous and that I am always giving him the benefit of the doubt. This may sound silly, but the other day there was a country music song on the radio and it was talking about how "I'll never get over you, every time I see you, you've got me wrapped around your pretty little finger" and he was SO into that song....singing out loud and patting his leg and stuff.....I could definitely tell who he was singing about, and it wasn't me!! Any advice, help or comments would be greatly appreciated. He is a great person but this ex wife thing is driving me crazy!
Mandi :o)

katie's picture

First, I'd like to say... thank god for this website!! I can't even begin to describe the hell that I've been going through. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. I am dealing with the ex-wife from hell!!! Apparently, my fiance's little boy, who is 8 years old is telling his mom (the ex-wife) all of these things I supposedly said. In part some of them are true but blown out of context. I am about to completely with draw myself from the children because this is taking a great toll on my emotional state. I know that this is what their mother wants. What do I do? I ignore it most of the time but it still runs through my mind. I'm sure some of you can relate. I feel like my heart has been torn piece by piece. Have I given to much? I love these children and my fiance with all of my heart. Please help. Thanks

fedupinarkansas's picture

Oh my God just knowing that someone else is going through similar situations make me feel better. My BF ex is the ex from hell one day we liked to came to blows. She came to my house disrespecting me calling me bit**es and what not. She would call the house phone and curse me out leave obscene messages on my voice mail. It was so bad that i had the house phone cut off. So i moved out with my BF b/c he just would not nip it in the bud. Now we are living together again. Well she has it to where their kids 8&5 will not speak to me when she is around. The 8 year old had a baseball game last Saturday and as soon as she stepped up she said "umph i see he brought his bit** with him. I think enough is enough so i was going to say something to her. He pulled my ponytail and held my hand. That really ticked me off its okay for her to disrespect me in public but you don't want me to defend myself. So when we got back into the truck he was like don't stoop to her level she is stupid and just jealous. Then she bad mouths us both to the kids. His five year old got mad at my Bf and told him that he doesn't do anything for them anyway. He pays child support and he gets them on his days off. She's the one who barely has them and uses their child support money on her BF. I used to buy for them because i don't have any children, but now since their momma is so stupid i don't anymore. Everytime they are at the house i leave because i can't stand to be around them.

Anonymous's picture

Wow, I guess I figured this would be a common problem when I googled it. My BF and I have been together a yr and a half. For the most part I get along with his only daughter. But every once in a while she goes off the deep end and calls him to yell. It all stems from his ex feeding her information to rile her up. It's so pathetic. Last night she was upset because my voice was on the voicemail. Excuse me? I have been living here for over a year. Also, I was wearing one of her Dads sweatshirts the other day. Is this ridiculous or what? She is 23! My BF is so guilt ridden and although I know he wants to support me he is still manipulated by his ex and his daughter. I don't know if he will ever be able to stand up to them. Although he says he will. He's been saying that since day one. He is just too nice. I have tried to distance myself from the whole thing and half the time I just laugh. But it does put a damper on my visions for the future. I don't push the issue anymore. Now I have just suggested he go to counseling cause I think he needs to hear it from a professional that he shouldn't let these two control his life.

Layli's picture

How do you talk about healthy relationship boundaries with ex? What is norm? I have been dating a man for 8 months and we have discussed living together and marriage etc. I love him sooo much, and am pretty sure he loves me. However, I am very uncomfortable with his relationship with his ex. I have never been a jealous person, but something about their relationship just makes my stomache queezy. He swears he is completely over her, she had cheated on him, but they still act like they are best buds. Sharing information about each others lives that are personal. Am I wrong for being uncomfortable with that? Shouldn't their relationship be about the kids and nothing else? I am a firm believer in getting along with ex'es for the sake of children but do they have to be 'friends"? I see it more as like a business like relationship, keep it strictly to the kids, no chit chat etc. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

I just spent a wonderful weekend with him, just perfect, and then in casual conversation with his daughter she mentions her mother has a rash on her legs and he says "oh she has had that for a while..." and when he noticed a gave him a quick "how do you know?" glance he says "she told me about it a while ago. WTF? I just wanted to be sick! Why would they be discussing something like that with each other? I would never dream of discussing anything with my ex husband unless it had something to do with my kids.

Am I just being paranoid or do I trust my gut in that there is something NOT RIGHT about that relationship. Just doesn't seem to be any boundaries. I have told him I am uncomfortable about his relationship with his ex. But I worry he just doesn't bring up their conversations just so I wont get mad. And that to me just makes it worse. I know I cannot continue on this relationship feeling this way. Just don't know what should be considered reasonable communication and relationship boundaries.


Anonymous's picture

I am in love I guess with a guy who's 13 years older than me. We've dated since last November. I just recently found that his exwife is soooo incompetent yet in the same time so manipulative. They both are old (he's 53 and she's 46) and together they have a 7 year old. She also had a son from the previous marriage, who's 21 and went to jail several times ... He is aware how bullie she is and left her but because of the little girl, he is just so weak and whipped, let the 2 women (including the little girl) walk all over her. Calls him when we were in bed, having lunch or dinner, yell and shout at him ... when my 9 year old daughter play with his daughter, the little girl would accuse my daughter for things she didn't do ... then I got angry with mine and got her in trouble. Until a few days ago, I saw her screaming at her dad saying things that I've never heard from a sever year old ... I realized whom she learnt after and how bad it could be for me and my daughter ... I sincerely care for the man but I just don't think I could deal with 2 selfish drama queens ... they controls his schedule ... he can't make any plans until the last minute ... he will leave our dinner table to rescue them because of car broke or forgot the house keys ... she would keep calling at lunch time until he spoke with her ... BS after BS ... So I tell him to "not to bother to call me again" if he does not change ... even I still want to see him ... badly ... Sad

Any advice?

Mocha2001's picture

I think we all probably have ex issues. I think some blended family counseling might be in order ... ex, you, and BF ... and her BF if she wants. You need to learn how to be civil to each other (directing to her of course) for the best interests of the children. In time her children will figure it out, but in the mean time, the only thing you can do is protect them, without hurting them. Communication is key, especially in a co-parenting situation like yours. Take the high road, and let your step-children know how much you love them, no matter what their mother thinks of you or says about you. I think it was Annie who said in another post, when BM said "I hate your SM." Annie replied to child, "well, I don't hate your mother and I love you very much." Best thing in the world!!!

Hang in there, don't bail, and tell your BF to continue sticking up for you ...

katie's picture

The situation that you are in is very hard to deal with. I have been dealing with it for 3 years. I myself do not have children but my fiance' has two from his ex. I know that it is hard to sit back and watch your BF, fiance', or husband get walked on. They are trying to push you away. It is a goal that has been set the moment you walked into your Bf's life and their's. If you believe it is worth it I would beat them to the goal. My advice is to be careful that you do not feed the flames of the fire. I know that is annoying to have plans changed at the last minute. It drives me insane! It is another way to, excuse my french, piss you off and ruin your day as well as your BF's. If you keep a smile on your face even when you day is now changed b/c of the ex, you will not have to deal with this as much, in the future as mush as you are right now. Remember that your BF is in a hard place also. I do not want to put words in his mouth but he probably does not want to be made out to be the bad guy in front of his child if he says to his ex, "NO, I will not come and get you. You need to be responsible!" I am sure the ex will tell his child, in a manipulative way, that Daddy must not care about them b/c he won't come pick us up or blah blah blah. If you care about this man the best thing to do is stay strong and hold his hand through the way. In your posting it shows that you care for him, if you did not you would not be writing of course. If his little girl and your little girl are playing together, I would watch closely. Maybe try some crafts with them both at the same time so that they can bound and you as well. I am sure your BF's little girl needs you too. You seem to care about her. Go for the goal. The simplist thing can show that you care.

Mel's picture

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, married five. My husband has a nine year old son from his ex-wife and a 13 year old daughter from his girlfriend before the first marriage. What I hate is that my husband never seems to take my side when I feel that I am being disrespected. His ex wife does not allow her son to visit us without her and a child she had from an adulterous affair (WHILE married to my husband) in tow. My husband has to meet the costs of their return air tickets. we live in different countries.. I see phone messages from her on his phone demanding money for this and that yet he pays monthly child support and pays school fees at an expensive private school my ex chose to really get him. Sometimes she asks money for her other child too which my husband secretly pays but never tells me. he is so secretive that I have to get into his phone when he is in the shower. She has expressed the wish that she wants him back since he started going out with me. She says horrible things about me to my friends.. what is so upsetting is that whenever she calls my husband demanding for this and that, he just seems so unsettled. he is more afraid of her than he is of me and this makes me feel really insignificant. Whenever he goes behind my back, like when he sends them return airtickets, I am only informed a few days before their arrival so that there is nothing I can do about it. He then likes to spoil them rotten and behaves as though my opinion does not matter. When I complain he says I hate his kids.. But he only had one kid with her. Which brings me to his daughter. This daughter and the ex wife connive to give me hell. She is so disrespectful and behaves like a malicious adult and not like a child. She is always whispering things in her father's ear and when I walk in the room, it is as though I am intruding. He is always shopping for her, her friends and her other brother (not my husband's son)She is so withdrawn when alone with me at home but when she sees her father she is suddenly animated even though I'm the one who does most things like shopping for her. I just cannot stand her at all and this blog is not enough to describe the things she does. In short I am just invisible to his ex spouse and his daughter. to Make matters worse I have been trying to get pregnant all these years and it has not happened. I feel if i had my own child, i would concentrate my energies there and that his ex wife is scornful of the fact that she has been able to give him a child and I cannot. I am so frustrated!!!!

1wits_end's picture

I am so glad I read this! Reading what you had to say and the other comments has really given me the strength to know that things are not going to change or get better. I know now that I have to remove myself from the situation...if it's meant to be for us then he will his ties with his ex go...if not then we were not meant to be. Thanks so much...I let everyone know how it turns out.

azbutterfly's picture

I have been with BF for 3 1/2 years and it has torn me down so bad that I think I should just get out..his ex-monster will never leave me alone..and to make it worse he defends her every time she tries to physically fight me and verbally attacks me..Example: She came to our door on Easter and said "i am looking for "john" bitch, where is he?" And when I became upset he said it must have been something I did! I just opened the door! Somebody help me with this please..I am so depressed because of this and I need to talk to someone..Thanks, Lynn

Anonymous's picture

My husband's ex always does stuff and my husband don't ever say anything. She always runs 1 hour or more late when it comes to picking up the child or dropping her off. And he waits. She makes plans when she knows the child is suppose to be with us and then he has to get her the next weekend. She dresses her in clothes that are to small. She thinks she can call at 1 or 2 in the morning. And there is plenty more. I feel like he treats me like the ex. We fight all the time and I think about leaving all the time. But i don't. I feel like she is the one he wants that he cant have. I do complain alot but its because I am sick of the fighting and I have became an angry person again like I was when I was with my ex b/f which I have 2 boys with. He also is wanting to punish my kids but don't say nothing to his daughter cause he don't want the ex to get mad. I am not allowed and try not to cause its not right to talk about her but he can say things to my kids about their dad. Its nothing really bad but its still not right. I don't know what to do. There is no talking to him cause he gets mad and storms off and says either Oh your in one of those moods again or this isn't about me its between them. I feel different about that. It became my business when I married him.

Anonymous's picture

maybe someone has a suggestion,for almost seven years i have been in the same relationship,my bf is a few years older,we were both divorced when we met,i made it a point to look at his divorce degree.He is the smartest,kindest,man i have ever know. here is the thing he has a ex wife she has grown children they raised. They found out by him we plan to marry/soon and told him not to marry me,here the other thing i have children grown also but say what ever makes you happy. i have agreed to give up everything like not seeing my grandchild at his home, my apt etc sign a pre-agreement for his assets. i wanted him not his assets

Anonymous's picture

I actually need a little advice too (any would be appreciated) I now live with my BF of 7 months in his house with his 3 boys and his ex wife. His kids adore me and often refer to me as their mother which upset her (which is understandable) however she never spends time with them she is either at work or out for coffee with her BF while im playing with them or babysitting them im with those kids more then she is i clean the house and never get a thank you. She is absolutely self absorbed and cares about nothing or anyone but her self and talks trash about my BF when hes not around... i dont say anything to her because im trying to keep the peace at the house for the kids sake and im just waiting till me the kids and my BF move out together (next spring) any tips on how to deal with this situation i mean i love him to death and he is amazing to me but its hard!!!

Dona's picture

Please be strong and either move out or have her move out. As much as you love the kids, that can't be healthy for anyone and you should not be considered their babysitter.

I love my BF to death and dealing with my own issue, but would never move in with BM.

Why can't she move in with her BF? This is very convenient for her. I am sorry that you are going throught this and I admire you for your strength and kindness for the kids and the love of your BF.

goincrazy's picture

You live in a house with your BF ex wife???? There is no way that I would ever have the nerve to do that first of all!!!! Your BF needs to realize how hard this is for you to live in the same house with her. I don't think I could do it! Is the house your BF or the ex's, who is living with who?

Lisa Frances's picture

Are you crazy? How can you live in the same house as the EW? Unless you are into group stuff it is just setting yourself up for massive pain.

If he is so great, then he will understand that this situation is ridiculous! I would rather cut off my left leg than live with my soon to be husband and his EW!

I hope you both get out and get on with your lives real quick.

Smile Just keep smiling......................

Sebbie's picture

Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.

Living with the b.f and HIS ex wife????????Girl,no offence, but what kind of self esteem issues are you dealing with? No person, man/woman who has any sence of self worth is going to live in that kind of situation. Sorry sweetie, but personally I would get the heck out of there and get on with my life, that is entirely to Jerry Springer for me.

Anonymous's picture

First off, I'd like to say that not all of us dad's are deadbeats. I am paid a 1/2 a month ahead on my support, have it taken out of my check, pay insurance and a cell phone for my daughter. My Ex left me for another man, screwed up finances and I even gave her the house so my daughter would have some stability. Even though I do all that is supposed to be done and more (help with soccer, extra cash, etc)
she continues to ask for more and more. This puts a huge strain on my wife (re-married 2 yrs. after my divorce) which puts a strain on my marriage. She brought 3 kids into our marriage and I treat them as my own. I am working towards and Engineering degree, work on an average of 45 to 50hrs a week and I try to keep up with everything else that a Husband/Father should do. I am at my witts end with my ex, my daughter has even said things like "it's in the divorce decree and you have to do it" when she asks for extra money. Why would she need to know whats in the divorce decree? What rights do I have? She left me...I feel as though she thinks because we have a child together, she is allowed to receive any resources I have. What can I do?

luvdagirl's picture

My best line to my SD when questioned about things that were said by BM was the truth, or some form of it depending on her age and that is that there are three sides to every story, hers, mine and(due to the feelings involved) the truth, and that for the first six years or so would need to be given with the other truth for all the lovely things I was accused of(everything short of being the second shooter on the grassy knoll and honestly if SD had any interest in Kennedy it would have been included) and that was that BM had never spent any time with me to get to know me and since SD was in our house she knew me alot better and I told her to think about it, does that sound like something I'd do since she-SD- knows me and after a few years SD started to just blow off alot of these silly little comments from BM because she knew her mother was just talking out of her own insecurity and jelousy.As for not liking her My best answer to that was that unfortunately not everyone can be friends and that I and BM could agreethat SD was a very special little girl that meant the world to us and that was the most important thing to me. Now after all this time BM has had enough "rope" to hang herself by thesae immature behaviors and My SD has alot more respect for me since as tempting as it was at times to just tell her my side I just told her this and dropped it(or atleast waited until me ad DH were able to talk about it privately). If all else fails at times I have found it neccessary to not be the one dealing with the BM- sometimes for months because of the way she tried to find conflict with me. Your in our thoughts- Kaarina

Anonymous's picture

My husband has a 7 year old handicapped daughter from a previous short marriage. His wife left him because she met someone new and wasn't "happy". My husband was crushed, but was tired of her games and let their divorce go through as a default. I met him four years ago, soon after his divorce was final. We married, had two of our own children. (I also have two children from a previous marriage). So, we have his, mine, and ours. All the children live with us except his daughter who is with us 2-3 days per week. My problem is that my husband seems to do whatever the ex wants him to do without question. He mentions it to me AFTER he already made the decision with the ex. (such as: babysitting for the kid when mom has a party to go to, taking the kid to whatever doctor's appt MOM says he must take her to, etc...) He tells me that this is his daughter and I should just get over it and he'll always make sure he cares for his daughter. I don't have a problem caring for the daughter but not when he can't reciprocate what he does for her with our children. I take our son to his OT appointments, speech, etc... - he's autistic. My husband doesn't go claiming he is working and I'm home all summer (I'm a teacher) so I should go. However, he has no problem rushing out of work every Friday to rush to HIS daughter's OT appointments. This puts me in a bind because I have to get one of my son's to football and I must take all 3 of the other ones with me - he refuses to come home to take any of the children with him to his daughter's OT appt. He tells me I'm being ridiculous. Anyhow, his ex only has this one child and is living with a boyfriend... but yet she expects my husband to do what she wants. And of course, my husband claims he wants to do it - but screw the rest of us, right? Please help me - am I being inconsiderate??

CECILIA's picture


Lisa Frances's picture

Ok, either he is obsessive compulsive about the child, or there is something else going on there that you need to know about and quick.

Cecilia, I would be handing him the cell phone bill and asking for a really good explanation.

Smile Just keep smiling......................

Jay's picture

Here's a good one. Two people divorce over communication and no cardinal sin committed, at least from this ex-husbands knowledge of his ex-wife's behavior. Jane was the youngest child from a set of parents that would get lost in a bottle before her bedtime (and theirs) as a kid-ACOA, and probably had so much damage from watching two parents in a big house with nice cars and clothes, etc. So, she grows up, gets fixed and then I get her. Within six years, two beautiful kids, and Wow, she really changed from the youthful, loving, seemingly caring and 'fixed' adult to a control freak that decided I should be an absolute enemy after divorce. What about just trying to allow the kids to enjoy some time with Dad-without a discussion of how he might have got a raise, and kids, ask him how much he is making now and all...please... Newsflash...10 years after divorce, she's horribly vindictive, it's a real-knock down-drag down, horrible legal hassle to remove the oldest from child support and establish an amount for our teenager for the next four years or so. Why can't people be SANE enough to give the kids a chance instead of raising them with hate and derogatory remarks, and refuse to work---burdened society. Cuz, she is likely suffering from mental problems, and may or may not be receiving treatment and medication for her symptoms. Meanwhile, I suffer from as much distance as I can, and don't see those two beautiful people that we made, even her own family avoids Jane like the plague. They call her Crazy behind her back and leave her OFF the guest list during the holidays. We're in Court next week, and there's a good case piling up for our 'Defense' partly toward her and some possible violations of law against her money loving Attorney who graduated law school two years ago. Geez, I was out of College before he was born! Just watch, this will be postponed for collection of evidence or some other awful excuse for putting delaying this pitiful mess.

anonynous's picture

So here is my story. I married the love of my life we got together when I was almost 17. he was 18. we got married when I was 20. I fell in love with him and my step daughter which was one and a half at the time. I always talked about her. His ex who only got with him to have a baby is making my life crazy. he never got proper visitation after she broke up with him. It was a Paternity case. He had to visit my step daughter at her house with his ex's parents there to. sometimes getting shitty. especially since her dad hated him at the time. so being young he was afraid to go to her house to see his daughter resulting in him missing a five month period at the time. He realized that he needed to make some kind of an effort to see his kid no matter what he had to put up with he was going to be a part of her life. still afraid he called his ex and asked if he could talk to her. she said that she would agree to let him see the kid but she wasn't to know him as daddy until she was sure he wasn't going to miss a visit. so he said what ever i have to do. so for about well the next year she refered to her dad as stephen instead of dad and his ex didn't call him dad either. so when she was about three he said that it was time his daughter called him dad he wasn't going anywhere and his ex needed to support him on this. at that time his ex didn't like the Idea and seemed annoyed. the next week when we went to visit my step daughter said that she called her moms boyfriend daddy. tell me that wasn't influenced. then he said to his ex i think she is confused and his ex said no she can have 2 dads. there was no getting through to her. his daughter did continue to call them both dad. around this time she got married and took him to court for support. which was ok. we still continued to visit at the mom and step dads house. the step dad was hostile. finally after repeatedly asking in the month of her fifth birthday we got to bring her to our house. and for a while this was great we never got to have her over night but she always said she needs more time. my step daughter loved spending time with us. then I got pregnant and his ex was jealous because she had been trying to have a baby. I had another girl and this created a problem at first she was excited and then the only child started to withdraw. we were having financial problems and moved in with a friend for a month and at this time his ex said to my step daughter that we were going to have to come and play with her at her house, because she did not know who we were living with. what ever that is crazy we disputed it but the kid wanted to just play she did not like life as a family where there was some playtime but we also had work to do. then it was a challenge trying to get her to come to our house. and her mom wasn't helping the situation. the step dad made it clear to the kid that he did not like us. then I had another baby 20 months after the first. and more problems came about. my step daughter came in and told me that her other dad might get mad if she calls her dad 'dad' so she didn't think that she should call him dad anymore and didn't from that day on. then she told us that these sisters didn't matter because they were just half sisters. she came once in a while but they always made her feel ashamed about being with us. finally this summer at 8 and a half he took her to court and got the indiana state parenting time guidelines. his ex was not happy since now she was going to help transport for the visits. his ex still doesn't refer to him as dad and neither does his daughter. and now she is really resistant to coming. her mom feels that she needed to get her a cell phone, she is freaking the kid out. she has openly admitted to wanting to change her last name to her mothers. and she just wants a family for her at home and not have her go here for this wkend and that wkend. she is creating this fantasy world for my step daughter instead of dealing with realities. the reality is that she has 2 families and his ex's subsequent children will be halfs too and that her dad is not her step dad and they need to encourage a relationship and allow her to not have to feel ashamed for spending time with us. so my step daughter hates her last name and doesn't want to come to our house and is getting ready to adjust to having a baby at her moms house at almost nine. what do we do. I think that we should continue to be consistent with our visits and try to be as family oriented as possible. and ignore the bull from his ex and her husband.

Anonymous's picture

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for ten months we were best friends for a year before we got together. him and his wife dated for seven years and were only married for six months they have a three year old kid together which he doesn't discipline so she doesn't respect me or him. But the issue is he use to say how much he hated his ex wife, but now they talk on the phone once a day he calls the kid and then she gets on the phone to talk about her life. She just recently had a kid with another man of which she is not with anymore, and my bf is going to his parents which is where she lives to take the kid back and they are meeting for lunch so he can see the new baby. i don't feel this is a needed meeting i never was invited i am really not comfortable with this when i talked to him about it he said i was making it a big deal and to get over it they were gonna be good friend. i understand they need to communicate for their kid but that is it. Do you see anything wrong with this or am i just over reacting. i really need lots of feed back also he told me when the kid is in town which is 1-2 weeks out of each month that she is the ONLY thing that is important and it is true he acts like i am not ever around doesn't call or even want to see me but he makes time for his friends and car.....

damitjanetb's picture

Hello ladies. So I'm in the same boat and have been with my boyfriend for close to three years. I love him so much. He has 3 kids and I have 1 little girl and we all get along great. We live together and are currently building a new home. Ever since my boyfriend and I got together the ex monster cannot help but try to make things as bad as possible for us and mainly using her kids. I have never ever been formally introduced to her let alone held a conversation with her but she hates me to no end. I was not the cause our their busted relationship..she had had over 3 affairs and it finally ended between them. When I met my BF she was living with her new fella and would constantly call my bf to ask him to give her another chance. She leaves messages like " remember you laid in bed with me to make our babies not Janet" and " don't you miss your family ..Im you family and we have known each other more than half our lives" yadda yadda get the picture. This has made our relationship very hard. I know she wants us to not be together and nothing would give her greater satisfaction. She does the talking bad with the kids about me, has called my personal #'s looking for my BF and anytime I see her in a parking lot she makes it a point to drive out of her way to stop her car near mine and stare me down. Things are so bad as their divorce has now been dragged on for over 3 years and still it seems like end is no where in sight. Our relationship is suffering lots. Things are so bads with the exchange of the children that the court ordered exchange to be done at the local police station ( she gets them every other weekend..yes she is a bad mom)This pas weekend she drove into our cul-de-sac and I saw her as I was leaving and called my boyfriend to let him know she was around our home snooping around our vehicles. I called the police as she is constantly violating court orders of calling our home and she told the police that I assaulted her. I went to court to ask for a restraining order and was denied one as the court sees this as an ongoing family issue and that I needed the police to assist me..mind you the police sent me to get a restraining order. I cant help but feel like is this worth it? We fight so much lately over this and now i dont know what to do. Does it ever end?

SuzanneSorrell's picture

I am sorry sweetie, I have been through the same crap. Trying to get restraining order...ya right. My husbands ex, follows me to work, calls my work, follows my daughter off the bus and says things to her, drives by our home on a daily bases. Ya family issues. We have also faught alot about his ex, it will never get any better, I am sorry. 6 years, and I am still here, the only thing I do know is that he would never ever cheat on me with her. She wants to meet with him, have secrete phone calls all the above I do relate very well. I feel all the frustrations. I have lost some wait, don't eat and need to learn how to deal with this or I need to leave him. 6 years is a long time. She will never stop....never..I thought when she got a new man...NO.....not even that. He knows nothing that goes on and all her BS.....One thing I will make sure, He will recieve all the letters, emails and recorded conversations soon. If I need to deal with this so does he. good luck

one_gurl_revolution's picture

I am engaged to the most wonderful man that has ever been in my life, nest to my father of course. His ex wife is constantly calling and texting. At first she was really mean to him and to me. Now he decided to be nice and see what happens. She has started being nice back and things have settled down. the problem is now that they talk all the time on the phone and by text and in person. I told him that I do not have any kind of problem about them talking about their kids, but to just sit and shoot the breeze all the time is wearing me thin. He assures me that he loves me and wants to marry me and have a life together forever. We really do love one another in a special way. I love his kids and they love me. She does not say bad things about me to the kids anymore. The problem is I stepped out and have tried to go out of my way to be kind to her by having the a/c fixed in her car, emailing her pictures (just of the kids) at events. They have joint custody but live about 45 minutes apart. We get the kids every other weekend and have a blast. Them getting along has definitly helped the kids and all the drama to settle down, but I still feel jealous sometimes. He states "she is the mother of my children and if we can be friends it is so much wasier on everyone". I understand this and agree with it, but I also do not think they need to be best biddies and hang out all the time either. She only calls when he is at work and texts him or calls EVERY day ay work. He tells me what they talk about most of the time, but it still frustrates me. I asked him how they could be such good friends after a failed marriage and hating one another so much just months ago and his reply was that their relationship and living in the same house did not work, but that being friends was working. He used to come by my work and pick me up to go pick up the kids on Fridays and now he seems to find every excuse for me not to go. he claims it has just worked out that he picks up the kids at earlier times lately. Maybe I am being rude about this and just being jealous, but he has other girl friends and I do not have a problem with any of them. We were on vacation in July and she text his phone with a picture of her kissing another girl who was a good friend of his in the past. He said it was disgusting (not your typical guy) but that he has learned to not let her stupid crap bother him and I should do the same. I was doing very well with letting things just roll off, but today he left work early and went to go get his kids. Usually they meet at a gas station half way between their homes, but today he was taking some lumber to his grandpas house while he picked up the kids because the kids, the ex and the grandpa live in the same town. He said he had to meet her at the bus stop at 3:00pm which seemed weird she would tell him to meet her there when the kids dont even get out of school until 3:00 and the bus usually come around 3:30. Instead she invited him to her house and he hung out with her there until the bus came. this really bothers me even though I am not worried about him cheating. I just don't like the situation. being kind to one another for your children and talking like adults is one thing, but being hang out buddies is a whole other ball game for me. I just feel trapped in an ugly situation because I know part of it is me being insecure and part of it is because she is the mother of his children and I wonder if that means she will always have the upper hand. This man is respectful and kind. he adores me and treats me that way. I do not want to loose him for anything in the world, but I would just be happier if they would keep their conversations about the kids and be kind to each other and not be such good friends. I know I sound terrible right now! I do not wish her any ill, and in fact pray for her daily. This is not always an easy thing to do. One thing that women need in life is security and she makes me feel as if she is jerking the carpet from under my feet all the time. She calls about her car problems and her job and her life situations. Where does being kind for the children's sake cross the line? Should I just suck it up and get over myself? Do you think he should be more considerate of how I feel about all of this? Please give advice. I feel so lost! i came out of a 7 year abusive relationship with an alcoholic and the men following that were free loaders basically. this man is good in every aspect. I keep telling myself that it is worth the pain I feel sometimes to have the love of such a wonderful man. He thinks I am having problems with this friendship with her because my dad died recently and I do not know how to handle things emotionally since. Part of that is true. My father was my security. What do I do? Please be kind as I am hurting very badly today. thanks for listening to my rant and please help.

Anonymous's picture

Everything I have read so far sounds very similar to what I am going through with my boyfriend. I have to tell a little backstory before I can get to the recent things. We met in February of this year at a coffee shop and hit it off really well. About 2 weeks later we started dating. I came to find out he had separated from his wife in October 2006 so I was very unaware of how soon he was getting into a relationship with me. There are 2 children involved, both of which are not his but he takes care of them like they are. Well, in April his soon to be ex had the kids taken away from her by the state for "unsafe living conditions". Apparently she has had problems in the past with 2 older children of hers being taken away permanently as well (one living in NY the other in IL) Since then he has been fighting with the state to give him custody of the kids. With the divorce not at all even in the works yet he has had to move in with his mother and step-dad while everything is getting ironed out. She has severe emotional problems as well. She cheated on him several times during the course of their marriage (only 3 that he knows of) Well her oldest child was already around when he met her. She got pregnant out of infedility with another man and my bf overlooked it and decided he was going to be her daddy. Now they are currently fighting with the state over who is going to get the kids because they are not biologically his. The problem I am having with them is the fact that he spends a great deal of time with her (at her apartment for example; cleaning it to CPS standards for his ex) when he doesn't even live there. He will spend countless hours with her on the phone and this past mother's day (yeah, some mom she is) he bought her a new cell phone and I got nothing, not even a card or a "Happy Mother's Day." I have 3 children of my own and love this man dearly but I feel so slighted. How could a man love an ex like her that has cheated and had her kids taken away 3 separate times?? She doesn't work, he pays the rent on the apartment that he doesn't live in, and provides her with a vehicle that her current boyfriend drives. Am I insane for not liking the woman and being upset with my bf? I know he loves those kids but I'm pretty sure that if she wanted them back she is grown enough to handle it on her own. I give him alot of credit for taking matters into his own hands and trying everything in his power to get custody. I want to stand behind him but I also don't think it's appropriate for him to be providing those things to her.

Anonymous's picture

I have an issue with my boyfriends ex wife.. They have not been together for about 7 years. I was always under the impression that they had remained friends but when I started to date him I realized she was doing nothing but using him. He hates to fight so he just always used to give into her but now he is not. She has a 2 year old son from her boyfriend now and my boyfriend and I are expecting a baby in a few months and now she is holding that over our heads because they have a 17 year old daughter together that lives with us and she is trying to make us feel guilty saying that their daughter feels that she is no longer wanted. My boyfriend and I have talked to their daughter a million times and she said she is happy again she is 17 not 5.. It just seems like every time we make plans she finds out what they are and does it before we can like we were going to take their daughter to a pumpkin patch and do a family thing and she decided to take her 1 week before we were supposed to go ( needless to say she has never taken her to a pumpkin patch before in her life but I guess this year is different ) and she is taking her the day we had family pictures which now we can not do since their daughter will not be with us. There are so many times where she has done this to us we have to change plans. I am so sick of it and it is not fair. She needs to just leave us alone and move on she has a boyfriend that she has had for about 5 years now why now is she trying to be a good mother.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

My ss's mom has done exactly what you said. She was a really bad mom to him when he was very little. So much so that it lead to my Dh getting primary custody of him when he was in 2nd grade. Shortly after that, Bm got pregnant by her boyfriend. Now Bm is over ten years older than she was when ss was born and I think that as she does things with her new child, she realizes what she didn't do for ss. I think she feels really guilty about this. Now, ss is getting older and his mom is trying to act like he's a toddler and making him do things that she didn't do with him when he was little.

Am I making sense?

That's my theory, anyway.


Bindi's picture


Would love to have your comments. My partner has been asked by his ex-wife if we could possibly babysit her child from her new partner. I think this is totally unfair of her to ask this of us. Am I being silly? My partner thinks there is nothing wrong this.


Tiana12's picture

Hi! Jan

I know how it feels. It's like they are jelous of us and our relationship with their children, instead of being greatful that their ex has found a nice person that cares for their children they choose to bad mounth us and brain wash the kids in to thinking we aren't capable of looking after them.

What has worked for us is having a little disscussion with the other party and it was agreeg not to bad mouth one enother in front of the kids. It was sort of worked! I believe it's not the kids fault that they are in this messed up situation and we try our best to keep them away from our conflics.

Anonymous's picture

I have been reading some of your posts about horrible ex's. I agree that some of the behaviors are a bit extreme. I have a two year old son. His father and I have split after finding him in bed with his still current girlfriend. I must say that it is extremely hard for me to accept her in his life. And I too am guilty of using the words, "he is MY son not yours" When my son's father is working and so am I, I get either my parents or his to watch him. My ex however wants our son to be with his girlfriend. I do not tolerate this. She is NOT his mother or his family. I hate her and do wish that she would stay out of it. She has talked my ex into taking me to court for custody. Keep in mind that I have never taken my ex to court for CS. I wanted to keep things as civilized as possible. I am really have issues with accepting her in my son's life. I think that in the back of my mind I fear that my son might leave me. He is my world and is the only reason I keep on going. I guess I am a bit selfish. But, the thought of someone else playing "mommy" kills me. I dont care anymore that my ex and I are not together. I do care however that his GF feels that she has some sort of right or say in the matter. She is not his mother. Whatever happens is going to be decided between me and his father. She is his girlfriend, thats it!

Butterflysigh's picture

It's obvious you still feel strongly towards the father and that rejection and the betrayal of your relationship was smacked in your face, though, ask yourself this. Do you really want to be with someone who doesnt feel the same way about you? The girlfriend is something to your child whether you like it or not. She is the one who witnesses your emotions, his emotions and your childs emotions, she is involved and you will have to accept it. All I can say is think of the actions you display to and in front of your child. No matter the women the father is with or the role they play, the child will grow up to form its own opinions and those valuable opinions will also be of you!

stepmomma00's picture

i am not a mother so i cant say i understand how you are feeling..but i have a similar situation and am just trying to accept my bf's ex wife will always hate me. they separated after me and him met, and he filed for divorced 2 weeks after leaving her...needless to say, she didnt want the divorce...he did legally cheat on her with me because she was still technically his wife...she hates my guts to this day and it has been over 2 years. ive tried being civil but shes not having it...i just need a little insight on how the ex thinks. im sure you wont be able to give me any good advice, because im assuming you arent pyschotic and want me dead lol Smile but i bend over backwards for their 2 kids, and she should trust that my bf wouldnt have anyone in their life he didnt trust....i dont know, its just a really difficult situation..the kids love me though Smile we are one happy family until they go home to her..then its starts all over again.....

agey20's picture

It has been two years since me and my hubby have been together and the constant turmoil that i experience day in and day out with his ex has got me screaming at the top of my lungs inside. i have two young step daughters whom i love to death and spend every penny i have on but its never enough, everything i do for them its seems is expected by me from my DH and from his crazy ex. We buy clothes, food, buy them things, pay for their outside school activities but everytime he goes over to her house to wathc them once a week (she works nights shifts) it always "can you do me a favour and get this" and the second the phone rings, he flys to her every command, she throws in his face that he left and she even lies to him about what the kids have said, last week she said that she was talking to her four year old and that my step daughter constantly says she wishes her dad was back , so my dh asked his daughter and she said no daddy i know you dont live here anymore but i always get to see you. She calls to whine about how his new family (me) is more important to him and how he stood up infront of 300 and said vows infront of god. i know i have rambled but i dont think its fair that he doesnt support me when i tell him something that bothers me about her, its like hes afraid of her because she has the kids..... how do i fix this, it has gotten to the point where if she calls and i pick up the phone she is going to have a piece of my mind.

SuzanneSorrell's picture

I too like all of you deal with my husbands ex-wife and have for some long 6 years. Let me tell you all that unless you find a way to move on and have a daily normal life you will be consumed in all the hatetred and anger that the ex has for You and your husband. It will cause problems with your marraige, and your daily lives. It is truley the most terriabl thing I have ever dealed with. I have been through the divorce, custody, and all the other issues the ex has. I have to deal with my step daughter and her name calling and mean spitfull,lieing, manipultive ways that her mother has taught her also. I start counsling tomorrow and hope I can find some peace of mind to all of this, it is truley my last hope. only gets worse, and no matter how good and how much you love your stepchildren, they will never love you and respect you like they should because of the mother. You will always just be the stepparent. My story is just like all of yours. A jelous ex-wife who was left for another woman and was not me. But, I get the blame. The child says I broke her mom and dad up. The child is 8 years old and calls me a fckn btch, says her mother told her this. This is nothing compared to all the things she has said in the last 6 years. The ex wife calls our home with stupid excuses to talk to my husband and never is it about the child. She begs for his cell phone number and he refuses to give it to her, because she will not leave him alone. We have had to change the number several times. We got the house phone so she can call anytime she wanted if there was a problem with the child. Ya...that worked out. He sent her an email telling her he is 100% through with her and please stop all the games. In her mind she wont believe this so calls and tells my husband that I sent her an email. She can't move on. She wants to believe that somewhere he still has feelings for her and loves her. What a suprise to her, that I did not write the email.(and just to say...why would I ever eamil her anyhow!)She is absolutley crazy. She uses the child for leverage, and him and his parents always do just what she wants. This drives me crazy. But, what can I say. Ladies....these exwifes will never stop...never...You will feel out of control, you cant control the things she will say or do or your husbands. Either learn how to deal with it, or leave. You don't want to be crazy like the you? I feel for everyone of you and beleive me I know exactly what your all going through.

SuzanneSorrell's picture

What kind of woman can't get on with her life. If you were an ex-wife as though I am also. I left, got on with my life and never once did I enter fear with my ex and all the women he has had. I let him build his own relationships with our children. Only to say to him please do not let your women ever hit my children and that was that. What kind of woman I ask? No self esteem,confidence or any morals and values. Showing her child that she is pathetic, manipulating, and lies about everything.My step daughter she is already distroyed from her mother it is sad....very sad. If the ex has custody, the father will never be able to talk to the children, I have experienced this for 6 years. And it is sad to say the court orders don't mean a thing when you have a psyco as an ex. We have been told several times by the police there is nothing you can do, go back to court, and the system just don't work for the fathers. And never ever do you beilieve what an ex wife will say...this is very true.....they will do and say anything, to anyone and everyone just to try and create problems. If she believes she can. If we ignore the ex, she continues, if we respond, she continues there is nothing anybody or anyone can ever do or say to change her way of thinking and living. Ex wifes.....crazy....truley and they will never stop. My husbands ex, I don't think she wants my husband back, how could she after 6 years of living with another woman and loving someone else. (this is her showing her very low self esteem again)I beleive she wants us to break up .....It is a control issue...She wants full control and it is driving her nuts that she does not have it. Her every thought is about me, this is clear every other weekend we get my step daughter and all the phone calls we recieve she always has something to say about me. Anyhow...I could go on for hours..After six years of hell. I just want to be done. Venting and counsling will keep me going I hope.

Anonymous's picture

Is there anyone out there with a situation like this? My husband of 4 1/2 years is still being tortured by his ex-wife. We are in the middle of a court trial again because she wants more child support and to take more days away from my husband. I know she is jealous because my stepdaughter loves me and I don't work and she has to. He is the best father ever. We have 2 children together. His ex cheated on him 6 years ago and moved across the country with their daughter. (age 1 at the time) She tried for full custody and lost. They have joint economical support, which helps with how much money she gets and gives him more days. She uses their daughter as a pawn all the time. She is at daycare until 9:30 at night everyday after school, as you can she her mom looks out for her best interest. When our first daughter was born she did not let her come to our house for 2 weeks because of preschool. Then 3 months later her and her new husband went on vacation for a week and she was allowed to miss that week of school. Then when our second daughter was born she started this whole court thing again. The first time my husband picked her up for the exchange she waited until midnight to give him to her and he had just driven 1200 miles. She would not give him the carseat, clothes or her coat. (it was during the winter) She had her brother hidding with a video camera in the woods to try to get him driving off with her and no carseat. We all live in the same state now and she will not make things easy on my husband at all. His childsupport is looking at going up to $1,300 right now, with this trial. I don't see how they can say it costs that much to raise an 8 year old. Well I could go on and on more. I know this is kindof going all over the place, but there are some many things she has done I don't know where to begin or end.

SuzanneSorrell's picture

I hear you....My husband is still going through all the same crap. She will soon take us back to court again for more child support. She is very Jealous, so that it consumes her on a daily bases to try and destroy our marraige. It will never happen, her lies,hatefullness,and pathetic ways of using the child will not help, it makes her seem so desperate. Make it joke, ignore her and don't feed into the games and lies. Unfortuneley the courts have the say on the child support and for some reason don't care about the fathers at all. Try to keep a level head take care of your children and husband the best you can. Let the ex be the misserable one. She is pathetic and misserable and can't move on.

SuzanneSorrell's picture

We send 508.00 for one kid. That is alot of money????Wow.

Amy Robbins's picture

Last time I didn't put my name but now I will introduce myself. Thanks for responding. The child support formula is all based on income. Hers and my husbands. She makes 80,000 a year, because we get to see her income from the court papers. My husband does make a pretty good living so unfortunately her amount of income helps with what he has to pay but not enough. I just can't understand why ex-wives have to be so vindictive. My husband is very easy going and has left her alone. I am seeking counseling, taking an anti-depressant and sleeping pills to get through this. Dec. 13th is the next court date. I am counting down the days. My husband does better at dealing with this than me because he went through it before. I am making him feel worse and making it hard on him and I am trying to be a good supporter. It is just hard when someone won't leave the person you love so much alone. I just can't understand why she won't move on and why the courts allow such behavior. My husband actually talked to her the other day and said why are you doing this and her response was you refuse to pay child-support. For one it comes out of his check every week and for two if he wasn't paying he would be in jail. I know her thinking is that he is not paying her the 1300 or 900. Who really wants to call friend of the court and say hay I am making more money now please take more out for my ex-wife. Ex-wife's mother never left her dad alone about childsupport and taking the kids. He died at 46 of a heart attack. Her mom now lives off of half of everything her other ex husband ever worked for including his pension. They do this like a business. Oh this makes me feel like a crazy lady thinking about it nonstop, so I appreciate the responses and advice.

Anonymous's picture

Ok here is my problem that I am having a hard time dealing with it. So please feel free to hand it too me if I am in the wrong. I need someone to be brutally honest with me.

I am currently living with my bf and his son who is 4. We have been living together since the end of April. We have been together for 18 months. He has been divorced for a little over a year. For the record I am not the reason they got a divorce. We remained friends during their separation/divorce. It was not until January that we decided to become exclusive.

Even though my bf does not want his ex wife back they still talk (text messaging) on a regular basis. Although for a couple weeks the talking stopped for a short while. Then after he found out she was seeing someone else it seems like the talking started up again. I know it is everyday small talk and sometimes about their son. We have had several arguments about them talking. I even went to talk to a counselor. What I do not understand is why they have to talk so much?

Even though he will not admit it to me but I truly feel he is bothered that she is dating someone else. Because when we talked about it, it was maybe 10 mins later he called her out about seeing someone else. I just feel there should be a line drawn and I feel he is over stepping boundaries.

We had lunch today and he answered a few of her messages. I felt it was rude. But if I say something then it will just cause another argument. Yesterday, I sent him a couple messages and it took him awhile to respond back. So when I said something he told me he was talking to his boss but actually it was his ex. The reason why I know this is because I checked his phone. I have told him that I will not be put second to her and sometimes I feel that I am.

He will ignore my messages to answer hers. Am I being a jealous girlfriend? I know she will always be a part of our lives. But I also feel boundaries need to be set.

Anonymous's picture

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for about six months.
Since we lived in different towns, I moved to be with him (he has two girls, 5 and 7, from a previous marriage.). I have been introduced to the kids and we get along great. I wanted to see if it would work out for him and I together on a daily basis, rather than just weekends when neither of us had responsibilities. I have told him I don't want kids and would not be taking a mother role, which he respects. However, he constantly feels guilty (one time telling me during an intimate moment he felt bad about not being with the kids.), and he is at his previous house where his ex-wife lives at least a few times a week in the evenings and every morning.
When his ex-wife goes out of town, he stays at their home, which has been on the market for ten months (and is probably not going to sell anytime soon.). He cleans the pool and maintains the yard; his mom cleans the house and does the laundry. He sees them off to school; his mom picks them up...
Often times the ex comes home later than promised, won't answer her phone and dictates what the schedule will be.
His mom, who takes care of the girls after school, is sick of it. I am sick of it, and he won't stand up to her for relationship's sake.
He's willing to have the girls at our house, but I feel that is very soon for the girls, and sometimes the mother is gone for a week at a time to combine a work/visit with her boyfriend. He stays in their old bedroom!!!
He stood up to her once about her being gone for long trips, because he would normally just take a three day weekend when we were living separately, and she has promised after this last time she will not do it again. Now we have the kids Thanksgiving weekend.
They are great, but do I stay in the bedroom with him? Stay at his sister's house? What?
She shows up late and then he spends less time with me or our plans get cancelled.
All in all she isn't maniacal, but I want to set boundaries before it gets any worse. My boyfriend is torn. I'm ready to move out and set some boundaries of my own...

Anonymous's picture

I just found out that my BF of 2 years has decided to represent his ex wife as her real estate agent. Then to add insult to injury the first showing was at a house RIGHT next door to his parents house. Wow. Now there is no love lost between me and his parents but, come on, what is that all about? Frankly, I think his parents are meddling, mean, nosy, and somewhat dysfunctional. After I had a heart to heart with BF, he says that he is her agent to make sure that she purchases a house that she can afford and that is in close proximity to his parents house (free daycare). He also stated that there is no way that she'd ever afford that house so was just appeasing her and his parents. I just think that it is wrong on so many levels, confusing for her as she has always wanted him back and is extremely needy while he is extremely caretaking. It would almost be like they were looking for a house together. She always pulls this dependency crap with him and he comes to the rescue over and over and over and says that he feels responsible for this kids, i.e. putting a swing set together, fixing her brakes, etc. Oh, and he says with the real estate market being what it is as well, every commission is very important. I mean, c'mon - what if I get married to this man and have children? I would never set foot in his parents house. Don't they see this or care? I can't believe that the parties involved think this is a good idea. I am starting to think that while I love BF and things are really good 98% of the time - there's this 2 percent that includes BM and his parents that is really really bad. I could probably be won over with him being her realtor (she is really stupid when it comes to big decisions and would more than likely pick a very expensive house then come to BF for handouts) I just don't think I could ever, ever, stomach her living next door to his parents.

Rylie's picture

All I have to say to you is this. As long as you are doing the RIGHT thing then you have NOTHING to worry about. Do not worry about the things that she is saying your Step Kids. They will eventually figure it out for themselves. I know that's hard to do. I struggle with that EVERYDAY. I'm in the same situation. My husband has an ex-wife and they have a 9 year old between the two of them. She is a liar, a manipulator and anything else horrible you can think of. What she doesn't realize is that SHE is hurting her daughter. Her daughter KNOWS what goes on in our home, so when she bad mouths me she just makes herself look stupid. I KNOW that I'm a GREAT step-mom and that's all I need to know. I do the right thing for HER daughter she does not. My husband and I were the ones to take care of HER daughter when she walked out on her at the age of 2 1/2. If you do the right thing in life you can never go wrong. Don't let her get to you and always communicate with your man. It's the most important thing. Good Luck!!!!

Amanda52286's picture

Okay, so after reading some of your responses, I am glad to hear I am not alone! I am having a huge problem with my BF's soon to be Ex Wife. We have been together for 8 mos, and are currently living together in their "Old" house. he has 3 children, 10,6, and 5mo. Yes, the youngest was born while we were together. When I met him he was going through separation with her. they had been married for 13 years. During the time while they were separating, he was having a hard time trying to figure out what he wanted. he would lie to me and go to her and vice-versa. Now everytime they talk I am always wondering what they are saying or if he is still lying to me. They talk a lot and she email him and calls him at work. One issue that just set me off this weekend, is that we went up to go cut Christmas Trees with the kids and a few friends. My BF then tells me we have to get a Tree for her. I asked why and he said it was for the kids. I think that's a bunch of bull*$%& and she needs to do her own thing with the kids. I think he did it because it's easier for her. There are a few more instances like this. Am I just over reacting or should I get out? I have confronted him about my issues MANY times and he says that they communicate only for the kids. Which i know not to be true. Please Help!

Stacy's picture

I know exactly where you are right now because I was there about 6 months ago. BF's divorce was final 8 months ago and he and ex have had a hard time "letting go". This is natural in some cases especially where there is a strong parental bond. Sorry to tell you but they may even get back together. BF did the same thing to his ex and I. I would get upset for some various "activity" or "favor" for ex - of course it was ALWAYS for the kids and I would break up with him. These guys during this time have a very difficult time differentiating between responsibility to the mom vs.the kids especially if he is suffering from guilt. Anyway I would break up with him - he would go back to her to try to make it work(this happened twice)then would come back begging me to take him back and that he would never ever do X,Y, or Z again. So here I am a year and a half later and we survived, barely. Relationships that begin before a man or a woman is emotionally healed unfortunately do not usually last. They can with a lot of patience and a willingness to get through all this crap. He and ex have to learn how to establish a new relationship and that is hard when they have been together that long. After going through what I've gone through...and to some extent am still going through with his ex...I wouldn't have entered into this relationship. It has changed me and not necessarily for the better.

sasha_p's picture

wow, boy am I glad I found this website, I seriously didnt think that anyone else had to deal with a psycho B*TCH ex wife that plays mind games with your significant other, who is selfish and makes everything about them and not the kids, and who calls your significant other a dead beat piece of shit father when they really aren't. Just recently my husband ex wife decided for no reason at all that she was gonna hold his little girl from him when he was home ( he is in the military) he told her in advance that he was gonna be there and she said that she was not going to let him see her unless he gave her his military orders and was getting more money from him for her to send their daughter to some private daycare for yuppies that costs some thousand dollars a month and he told her that she couldnt have his military orders because they are classified and that money would have to be settled in court and then she told him that he wouldnt be seeing his child. So he tries calling afterwards to talk to his daughter and on purpose she wont answer. Now we got papers served that he has a protective order on him!!! WTF??? He doenst even live in the same state as her!! He has not harassed her in any way shape or form but because she isnt getting her way she does this. I was so infuriated that I could have spit nails, I still can!!! There is so much that she has done to me that I could seriously take up all day and all night typing all the BS that she has dont just to me and not my husband, its horrible. And I seriously have had less and less faith in the judicial system since this has all happened.

Rob's picture

I have been with my bf for 2 yrs and are engaged. I love him so much and he is good with my kids. I have a 16 and 13 yr old and he has a 9 yr old by his ex. Everything was great until we moved in together. Now he has his daughter on Wed. and every other weekend. I know I have been jealous of their relationship because when she is at our house he only has attention for her. I was too myself one weekend when she was over just so they could have time to themselves. Well I didn't really speak to them and did my own thing with my kids. She went home and told her mom I was mean to her and it has been down hill since then. For several months the ex would not let her come over to our house. This made my bf mad at me. I apologized to the daughter but that was not good enough for the ex. Anyway we went almost a month without speaking but he would would talk to the ex and his daughter everyday. His is so nice to the ex. He has never taken up for me or stood up to her for me. I was never invited to go with he and the daughter anywhere because he was afraid the ex would find out and not allow the daughter to come back to our house. He moved out a week ago. Said he didn't love me anymore and that I was to mean to his daughter. He could not forgive or forget. I miss him so much and I have apologized and begged him to come home. I am carrying all the guilt and he just doesn't care. Why could I not see this in the beginning and just go with the flow. I was so mad, it drove me crazy.

Fay's picture

When dealing with nasty ex-, the following might be useful:
- Educate yourself about NARCISSISTS. How to behave with them. What to expect from them. By the way, publicity that you give to their behavior is a powerful tool! It is not badmouthing. It is exposing narcissistic behavior.
- Educate yourself about PARENTAL ALIENATION (best book is "Divorce Poison").
- Educate yourself about PARALLEL PARENTING: disengage from the other parent as much as possible.
- If your hubby does not understand or follow the rules of separation - separate yourself from active participation in the life of his children. Participate actively when children are not around. Let him do whatever he wants with them - he has to taste full time parenting without your help or interference. Guard your territory and your personal relationship. Remember, that the children are not yours and their final choice will be their mother no matter how bad that woman can be. Do not try to win them over or teach them better life style. Let them be and help them if they ask for help. Do not abstain form comments about your life values. Share those freely with children. Insist on your rules in your house. But do not try to change them! Step-children might love you but they are and will be defined by the custodial mother. Unless the children are in your sole custody, let them be their mother's children, and protect yourself from too much involvement and stress. You will see that the moment you release your pressure, the ex- will also stop competing with you and children will become more relaxed. They will be more like their mother, sure, but that is her right afterwards. Pray to God. He will take care of it.
- Trust me. I have been through all of it. I had to deal with an abusive Muchausen by Proxy mother with serious personality disorders. I have a taste of years of law suits. I made all possible mistakes. Save your time and spare your health!

DEBBI's picture

Hello. It's Amazing How Many Women Have To Deal With The HELL Of An Ex Wife. After Reading All The Situations And Comments, I See Myself In Many Lines. I'm A Fairly Understanding Individual But I've Just About Had Enough Of The Bullshit From The Ex. Well, To Make A Long Story Short, It Goes Like This. . . I Have 2 Boys From A Previous Marriage And He Has 3 From One As Well. Christmas, My Boys And I Always Spend With My Folks. He Spends It At His Ex's Parents House With The Whole Freaken Family From Her Side. Christmas Day I End Up Alone Cuz My Ex Gets Them. This Year Was Not To Be Spent Alone But With My Boyfriend And His Children. Well, No Go. Matter Of Fact, I Was Alone The Entire Day Then He Showed Up Evening Time, Alone. He Had No Present For Me, Which Was Ok Except For The Fact That I Never Got A Card From Him Either. His Excuse Was He Didn't Know What To Get Me. Ok. The Next Day He Asked Me To Marry Him. I Said Yes Because I Truly Love This Man Despite Some Of His Manner. Well, Then I Find Out From His Son That The Ex Spent Christmas Eve With My Boyfriend And Their Children! She Also Spent The Night. She Also Spent Christmas Day With Him, While I Unknowingly Sat Home Alone On Christmas Day. I'm So Torn As To What To Do At This Point. His Put Her Above Me! He Didn't Care How I Would Have Felt Knowing She Had Spent Over 24 Hours With Him. He Never Thought Of Me. So I Ask Myself, Why Would He Want To Marry Me When He Still Caters To His Ex. He Also Lied Because I Asked Him If He Even Saw Her While I Was Out Of Town. He Simply Replied With A No Way Remark. Now Can Someone, Anyone Tell Me Why A Man Would Do Such A Thing To Someone He Wants To Marry. I'm Just Beside Myself, I'm So Hurt And Bothered By This. He Refuses To Talk About It When I Ask The Wrong Questions. He Says He Won't Argue With Me Over Her. I'm Thinking, Marriage Is Out Of The Picture. I Can't Trust His. She Stayed The Night While I Was Out Of Town!

joanne's picture

My husbands ex wife had no need for her 2 boys at the time not convenient. 6 years ago she had the oldest in foster care. With in 48 hours I had the boys from TAS to QLD in school and on with life. My husband and I at the time had 1 baby (little girl). While the boys have been living with us we have had 2 other baby's and one has died.
This was hard but the boys made it hell. There grand farther died in a fire she came up stayed with family for 5 days and did not see her boys till the day of the funeral and did not even call NOTHING!! She was getting married the boys were to be apart of the bridle party. She called the wedding off because get this the boys where there. Then about 6 moths later she called on a Friday saying that she got married last weekend!! How could you jus cut our kids out. The boys went to TAS for xmas for 3 weeks. She told the boys that she would like them to live with her and the new husband. The oldest is in year 12 this year and the other is in year 11. she has even booked the tickets with OUT saying anything. Her or the boys. I have been used and put through hell by the 3 of them. From the steeling the lying and the fires. There USERS and I believe in the phrase "Misery loves company" They will try to eventually drag us down with them with no consequence for our feelings or well-being. She is a Passive aggressive hungry vampire that smells fresh blood and has a total victim's complex. She has a hidden agenda and is dangerous to be around. And her saying your working you can afford it still rings in y ears.

shelton's picture

I have read blogs from several women in the throes of mixed signals from men in their lives and exwives still in their lives.

Here is my story:

I was married for 25 years and bore my husband two sons. We worked hard and sacrificed much to build a home for our children and ourselves. Anyone who has been in a long term marriage gives much and has given the best years of their lives for their spouses' and their children.

I came home one day to find him in our greatroom. He came to me and told me he loved me but was leaving. With that he left. No warning no indication of any strange behaviors. He just left. My boys and I lived for over a year thinking he was in midlife crisis, because he called us and stayed in contact everyday. I was destroyed and my boys were completely demoralized. One was in senior year of high school the other second year of college.
I only found out he was having an affair when my best friend was approached my family member and was told. We rocked on for two and a half years and he never once stopped telling me that he loved me. He just couldn't live with me. I won't go into details, but we have endured six years of this hell and he still is very much in our lives. He calls me everyday, gives us anything we need, money etc. I have pleaded with him to just tell me he doesn't love me anymore and to let me have closure. I still love him very much and would fight to the end to maintain our family. He will live with me but he will not allow me to be out of his life. Our boys are 24 and 26 now. My former spouse attends every holiday fully. He has been to every family function. He and I carried out the wedding of our oldest son. The affair partner did finally get him to divorce me after four years and he is married to her now. She is treated as a non person and is never mentioned. Only when I force it do we speak of her. I have asked my former husband to stop hurting me and our boys. I have told him that we cannot abide her and that though we love him beyond love, he is killing us by going between two women. I don't think his affair partner can ignore his absences nor his involvement with me. I will fight to the bitter end until he tells me himself that he wants me gone. He will not do that. He asks me to make our time together pleasant and for me to love him.
This is bizzare I know, but we have twentyfive and now thirty years in our marriage and relationship.This woman knew when she injected herself into our life that he was a married man and had children. She also knew we knew nothing about her. By the way she is a district attorney 15 years younger than my ex and has no children.
I thought I would shed some light on how the ex wife lives./

Hurt in Tenessee

flisa's picture

The fact that we're all here venting sure speaks volumes about the challenges of stepping into a relationship with children and a bitter exwife. From reading the many posts, it appears that lots of these women are actually mentally ill. I know in my case, my boyfriend's ex is bipolar/borderline personality disorder. He has full custody because of her clinically crazy behavior. She seems them every other weekend and 2 nights during the week. That's enough time to poison their minds. A problem with a borderline personality, and what I've seen in the postings here, is that love to start campaigns to discredit their ex's or the new women in their lives. It's truely a sickness. They're obsessed with creating chaos to make themselves feel better.

Our job, ladies, is coping and not letting their disgusting behavior ruin our lives. I'm sure there are plenty of bitter ex's out there that just act sick because they are hurt. No matter what the reason, it's not acceptable to use children to hurt the father. It's hard to watch, hard to take and hard to handle. However, what can we do? It is what it is? We can document the abuses/lies/behaviors and eventually take them to court. We can talk to the kids and try to be a peaceful port in this storm. We can take care of ourselves and try to not let their sickness get to us. SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE. I try to practice disengaging when something flares up. I feel horrible for my loving BF, but it's his deal, not mine. We've been together for 2 years and are not rushing into marriage. It seems like the right thing to do for us, and quite frankly, for ME. I matter. WE matter in the equation.

I love listening to Dr. Joy Brown, a talk show host. She has a 1 year rule that is so powerful. She advises all women to wait until man is divorced for a full year before getting involved. It doesn't matter if they're separated or what the deal is. They need time to be alone in divorce for one year and sort out things as a single man with kids. And time to work out some of the divorce kinks with the ex. I did that even though I met him while he was divorcing. I said he seems like a great guy but call me when you're officially divroced for a full year. He called me to the day and we've been doing as well as expected (with a crazy ex).

Also, Dr. Brown uses the phrase "stupid and cheerful." It's kind of like being "stupid like a fox." If the EX doesn't think you're bothered by her behavior, it bothers them more.

Trust me, I'm not gliding through this crap. I'm on this site too. It's SO difficult, but we're not alone. We're strong. We're capable. And hey, we got the guy! Smile

Note to ex's... GET YOUR OWN LIFE.

Toomuchdrama's picture

My situation is a little bit sticky, but I still don't know what to do. My bf and I are both going through divorces...mine is a little more complicated than his as ours has domestic violence issues attached. His actual life is more complex than mine, however. He has a 6 year old from a woman before he was married to this ex. Part of the reason for the divorce is that she was never really fond of his son...barely talked to him, never played with him, never ever initiated any interaction with him.
Now that they're divorcing she has begun to make demands about spending time with him. She's even taking him for the day on Saturday, which really cuts into the time WE get to spend with him. Can she really make a claim to being in our lives forever? I'm not so sure I want either of our exes around.

Anonymous08's picture

i cant believe i found this website.thank you guys.whoever started this.i feel so lonely here at home with nobody to talk to.i mean, i cant tell my 4 year old daughter how i feel right.she's too young to understand me.but i wanna shout out real loud that I HATE MY HUSBANDS EX-WIFE!!!wow!that feels soooo good!

Hi since i found this website im so happy that someone out there can relate my situation here,Im asian 25 years old and my husband is an american who is 41 years old,I sometimes regret the fact that why im marrying a divorced guy with a kid,He is a divorced guy and his been through a nasty divorced because his ex cheated on him and worst is its their neighbor and infront of their store,they have this video electronic store before and his wife is the one whose watching the store part time since they have three employees while he was in south carolina to find a house because thyre planning to transfer there but the three weeks of her husband in there she was having fun and going out with her coccaine friends in the middle of the night and the kids whose 15 years old and a 9 years old sleeping in the house,she was out having fun with her friends and smoking and thats where she met her bf nowmy husband said that shes having a midlife crisis because they are married early when she was 18 years old,but its getting worst coz the rumors and gossiping in ton is growing that someone who worked for her bf saw his boss half naked and heard that laughing and moaning and fafter minutes he saw the woman running naked going to the bathroom,Anyways- to make the story short shes bad mouthing her daughter towards me that i am asian and I dont know everything that im innocent that her daughter can fool me in a simple way and she under estimated me,because she was insecure that her daughter told her that i got 5 years from collage in diffrent field that i got my nursing for two years and i got my radiologic technology for a year and i got my criminology and my caregiving,and she was so insecure coz she just graduated high school through GED and infact her husband before as her ex now forced her to atleast got her GED and his the one whose always doing the assignment for her to pass,so she passed and shes working in a nursery to watch the kids but shes still not stopping of her insecurity shes always teaching her daughter bad stuff so her daughter wont respect me and everytime her daughter is in our house she acted diffrently and talking so bad to her dad everytime his asking her to take shower and the kid when shes in our house she got nits and lice to prove that shes not being taken good care of with her mother and she always hungry like shes not eating for days,it sucks because i feel love of this kid,but shes disrespecting me and her father.Anyone can relate and give me advises on this,I never been married and dont have kids on my own and i dont know how to handle this kid now.Thanks and i will appreciate all the help and by the way,i would love to join this site but i dont know how,I created my own account in here but I cant open it yet,i cant wait to open it so i can read a lot of blogs in here.Thanks so Much God Bless everyone! Smile

Anonymoustoo's picture

I posted earlier but didn't say everything I needed too.

The ex also freaks if I am even in the car to pick the kids up or drop off. This is a major inconv. because my husband picks me up from my Saturday college classes, then has to drive me all the way home and all the way back to pick up his kids when we pass the meeting point when i leave school.

This freak also was so crazy that she pitched a fit to come to the hospital when I gave birth to my son.

Then the first time she saw him she jerked him out of my arms and called herself mommy to my child!!
She's crazy.

And she hits on my husband at the kids soccer games. I know I trust him but I have so much anger towards her, that I don't know what to do.
She and I have had words but she's not in reality at all.

sarahbernheart's picture

I am sorry but your H needs to grow a set of balls, if she doesnt like it then she can bring them over, he is NOT married to her anymore why is he doing what she wants- and if my FH ex every tried to hit on my FH he better damn well put her in her place.

and you should let him know how you feel - that is just crazy!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

Odaliz's picture

Well, I honestly believe my story would make a great movie. It's been two years since my bf got a divorce, and he is still going to court. He is trying to modify their Marital Settlement agreement. In the paper work it is stated that I am not allowed to have any contact with their children. So every Wed. and every other weekend zi have to leave my house for hours until he returns the children home. She refuses to modify the paperwork so we are basically spending every penny we make trying to fight her in court, her lawyer is working for free nd ours charges us to breathe so it is difficult.

DLynn's picture

I desperately need advice from someone who is possibly going through a similar situation or was in the same situation as I am. So I met my fiance 7 months ago and he asked me to marry him in November. He has a 5 year old daughter and has been separated from his daughters mother for 3 years. He still does not have a divorce. His daughters mother hardly ever gave him time with his daughter. Maybe she gave him one weekend a month. I just don't know what to do about her manipulating ways. He kissed her ass before because they never had a custody agreement written up and he felt that if he wanted to see her thats what he needed to do. Now he talks to her on the phone like they are friends and it upsets me and he tells me that he will deal with his ex however he wants and basically that it is none of my business. Also, his ex is a bad role model for their daughter. His ex is 5'6" and weighs under 100 pounds and puts provocative pictures on websites. She jumps from guy to guy and moves from house to house. Meanwhile this poor little 5 year old is dragged around and has lived in I think 6-7 houses now. Their daughter is acting out in school and at home hitting whomever she wants. She is very shy and takes like 2 hours to open up to someone she has been around countless times before. I try to tell him that she has behavioral problems and they, him and the ex, need to do something about it. He gets pissed at me and acts like I have something against his daughter. I am only trying to help, I'm going to school for Psychology and I'm 8 credits away from a bachelors. His ex has pushed her what seems like "eating" disorder distorted body image view on their daughter and told my fiance their daughter is getting fat. Their daughter told me Chuck E Cheese is "dirty." She asked me if I take showers with her dad. I try to talk to my fiance about his daughter and he just gets made and tells me it is his daughter and he will raise her the way he wants. The best is on Christmas his ex brought their daughter to his parents and hung out on Christmas because I wasn't around I was out of town with my family. Finally, his ex talks to him like they are best friends in front of me and made fun of my cat to my face in front of their daughter and my fiance said nothing. Someone help me I just feel like I'm second to his ex and I don't think I deserve that. Any suggestions?

Neens's picture

If you only knew how I feel your pain...I am dealing with a woman that is 12 years older than me and acts 20 years younger. Her husband was a saint to her and she screwed it up and took him for granted so he got a divorce. We have been together for 16 AMAZING months...we're best friends, soulmates and have a great time together...he has two amazing daughters that I am going to meet this summer...Unfortunately the ex is so psycho that she is threatening a restraining order...for what you ask? NOTHING...just so I can't be around the kids...I am a military member with the cleanest record possible...she is just so jealous of the things I have gained that she lost. I love this man so much that I want to stick it out but I am ready to lose my mind when it comes to her and her childish ways...She even made a profile on myspace to check up on me and she's 37. I had to change my phone number and move because she was stalking me. I feel horrible for the daughters because they are pawns in her little game. My boyfriend is deployed right now and tries to call his girls as much as possible and sometimes she doesn't even answer the phone. He would do ANYTHING for those girls and has...he supported her until she got on her feet and still gives her more than child support...but she lies to his boss and friends saying he isn't taking care of anything. It makes me sick and it blows my mind that if their are this many people in the world dealing with this...why isn't someone saying anything to these psycho bitches? OH I know why because no matter what is said, no matter what they are told...they will never be wrong in their eyes...I am the blame for everything that goes wrong in her life and frankly I've had it. Just some advice or something that helps me get through all of this...a little something I told myself...The only reason she is doing all of this is because of jealousy...and when I'm growing old with my boyfriend and she's still alone because she can't focus on any relationship but mine and my boyfriend's that's when I'll sit back and laugh at how sad and pathetic people were his past...and I'm the future he's been searching for:) Thanks Ya'll

upset great Dad's picture

I am a now full time Dad who was married for 15 years. Found out my ex wife is a swinger (with family "friends" no less) while I was out busting my hump 70+ hours per week to keep her in the good life and the circus going for my two girls, 13&15.

When I found out about her double life, I gave her a choice-get help or leave.

Well,, she attacked me after I stopped the $ flow and she was arrested for assault. For the last almost two years I have had almost full custody of my girls with her being on supervised visits as she now lives with mommy and daddy, the ultimate enablers. I went through the court system to originally get her help, as I actually thought we could re build this marriage. Thankfully I came to my senses after she filed for divorce after months of crying, etc., while now being a full time mom and dad to girls who really needed me and still do.

Well, I live in CA with the most pathetic court system.....I had her, I and the girls and evaluated by the court appointed shrink to see what was going on and have spent to date almost 250k while all of my assets have been tied up, with this nutjob playing games in the court system and with all of our lives with A.A., abusing the kids emotionally, no shows for visitations while partying hard with numerous boyfriends at the same time and even sharing bad info to the girls, such as her swinging, juggling men, while attempting to triangulate my relationship with the girls...And I have had to pay for almost everything.

The EX is diagnosed with NPD, Obsessive Compulsive, Histrionic-she is a mess.

So I did the right thing by my girls and went for full custody and guess what?!

After all of this, the court is going to give her 50/50 joint custody. The kids do not want to be with her, except for the older one who has some issues of her own, which I have getting her help for, which my ex wife is trying to block.

It is daily B.S. from the ex, calls, e mails, switching my mail, trying to change the kids school, changing other appointments, etc, etc. It is like I have 3 teenagers and my ex is by far the worst one.

Now, I met the most wonderful woman in the world last year-a true saint in every sense of the word, patient, loving, kind, great to me., the kids-an honest living angel as I have never seen a woman like her.

Her husband died of a brain aneryism. I Love her and I am very close with her son. All 3 kids get along great and we have a nice life, very well blended together-except for ex!

I want to do right by the kids and at the same time have a new life with my fiance-you know a normal life. Ideally, we would like to move out of state to get way from the crazy ex wife of mine. But, we can't leave the kids, which we will not do. And, now with 50/50 joint, the kids and my fiance and I are screwed with the CA court system until they are 16, which will turn out to be another 4.5 years of this craziness. How do we deal with non stop dram filled mental bullshit from someone who has been diagnosed crazy by the court, yet since we live in CA it seems that unless you kill your kid, or do drugs, anything goes as you can go in and out of your kids lives while leaving the healthy one (me) to pick up the mess?

Note, my fiance and I are very strong, mature people and our hearts are in the right place. We love each other and are committed to each other and to our family. She knows what she is in for and says she is up to the challenge. I believe that she is. I am trying to build a healthy for the 5 of us (her, me and the kids), for her and I as a couple because I never want to get divorced again and/or for anyone to get hurt. But the ex is a relentless, ruthless bitch, especially when a guy (there have been many to date) breaks it off with her after he finds out she is a nut case.

And, I am very worried about my 2 girls now having to go to their mother's 50% of the time beginning in about a week given their mother has no boundaries anymore, while I have established a very nice, healthy home life with boundaries for the girls?

How can I best handle this for the kids, my new life with my fiance, and for me personally? I want my ex to just go away as she has done enough damage. I have no feelings for her nor will I ever be her friend as I have way more character than that.

But it looks like this sicko is here to stay until we get the chance to leave CA. And the courts haven't helped. Suggestions?

Matt's picture

I have an ex wife who is doing the same things I have been reading here, however, it has been aimed at me.
Background, she is remarried with an infant daughter. I get along better with her husband that her. At this point I do not believe our children are affected. In fact I thought things would get better between myself and my ex after she was married, since her energy would have a new focus, was I ever mistaken.
We split custody, with our girls staying with each of us for a week at a time.
For instance, the latest one is the fact that our youngest daughter has mono. I took her to the MD who said that she could not participate in phy. ed. or basketball for the next 3 weeks. I told my ex this and she retorted that, our daughter has 2 games left in her basketball season and she should be allowed to finish it out. Now let me say that she is in the medical field, our daughter has an inflamed spleen (due to the mono), which if my daughter is hit in the side can rupture.
My ex would not listen to me about what the doctor said. She has an orthopedic surgeon she works with, who said that basketball is not a contact sport. Now the way my 8 year old plays basketball, it is a contact sport!! I had no other option but ask the doctor who saw our daughter to call her. The physician did and here is her response.

"I don't need you to have a doctor call me about Audrey. I really don't appreciate it and I'm quite pissed off!! And I told the doctor that, I don't think she will be calling me back! I'm not going to put my child's life at risk for basketball and I know my child well enough to know how she is feeling. You are such an asshole and I CAN NOT wait for the next 9 years to be over because I'm so f#cking sick of you I can't stand it!!"

This is due to the fact that I am looking out for the well being of our daughter and she won't listen to me??
Because you are a medical assistant does not mean that you have any more knowledge of medicine than a layman.
What is very sad is the fact that this is one sided. I have no ill will toward my daughters mother. I don't want to have much to do with her, because she seems to be poison, in fact she makes my girlfriend more angry than myself. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I have grown accustomed to her attitude.

I am planning on changing my daughter's school to be closer to me when they reach 7th grade so they are closer to me, I feel it is only fair that half of their education is in my school district. The district they are in, is not the best that is in our area. I know that the sh** is going to hit the fan when I pursue this.

I will leave this with my admitting that when I feel I need (unfortunately or want to) I assert myself on behalf of my children. I don't feel that I am doing anything wrong. But this is very tiring to continue, as I'm sure all of you know.

Rose's picture

Hello i am new to this site and have read the rants and raves of the SM section and the posts on the great ex-wives comments. I am both a SM and a BM and have been on the both sides of the stick, dealing with the ex and Being and EX W/children.

I was ready to give up, throw the towel in and leave my current spouse because of the chaos his DREADFUL EX puts us through. I am also an ex-wife from a previous marriage who feels after reading all the Posts that i am too an easygoing ex who wants the best for my kid, but will never stoop so low as to meddling in me ex's life or making it a living hell even though our relationship was so messed up in the past. Everyone should have boundaries put on them at some point when they cannot control their anger against the other, and is putting the innocent children through such turmoil.

I just sat down with my Brother last nite and he threw me some pretty good advice even though he has never had kids or been in the situation.

He said "just imagine you are not the one with the control of your kids well being and the other person is PSYCHO and has your kid" how nice would u be to them if they were in control of the situation"
How much pride and self control would you have to put in your back pocket for the expense of seeing your kid or just to be with them for a day a week?

I think i am just trying to see from my spouses perspective instead of feeling like he's doing everything to please his EX or feel like i dont have control over my life and situation. What would i do or how would i act if i was on his end of the stick.

I guess this post is mainly for the SM's and ladies out their who have felt like giving up on their role as a SM or a current spouse because of a crazy EX wife. I know it can be torture sometimes as i am in the alot of the same predicaments as most of you out there.

But if you really love him and can see a future with him, u can make it through. I feel GOD has given us high tolerance levels for a reason! LOL

Sorry so long.
Had to get this off my chest

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
"One moment of Anger can lead to a lifetime of regret"

Rose's picture

Now since BM is pissed off again, she is not letting my BF son to come over for our week visit. Such Bullshit! I told him to pick the kid up from school and bring him home. If she calls the cops, the cops will not take the child from our home since it is a decent living environment, and i will be there to back the fact up that this has been our visitation arrangement for 1 yr now.

They have had a verbal agreement that we get the son monday to monday, everyother week. Why let her push him around. i say grow some balls and take the kid. It is just as much his kid as it is hers.

Lets remind those BM's without the dad in the first place they would never even been able to give birth to a child. How can you be so F**cked up??

I cant stand the B**ch!!!

tired of the roller coaster's picture

I am glad I found this site! I need some help. Reading some of these postings, makes me realize I don't have it as bad as others. But what do I do? I've been living with my BF for almost a year, we've been dating for over a year. He has two kids that I adore (7 and 11) and I have a 9 year old. he has joint custody with his ex as I do mine. But I don't have issues with my ex like he does. She cheated on him multiple times and put him through hell. She refuses to work and lives off men. She seems to be very unstable. She has backed off some, but now that she has lost her latest boyfriend, she claims she has no-where to go. My ex still owns his house, (He doesn't live there) but she broke into it a couple of weeks ago and has been staying there because she has no-where to go. The kids are beggin us to help her. She is so manipulative and is so good at using him. he is trying hard, leaves his phone in the car most of the time and only talks to her when he has too. But now her grandmother is in the hospital (dying) which I know is hard for her, but she is calling me alot and since he was close to her as well he feels bad about the situation. I know she will want to cry on him through this and will want him at the funeral. What do I do? Am I selfish for saying no? And what about helping her out? How do I cope with this? One minute she is nice, the next she is hell. Do I stick in there? I love him and these kids and my son loves his kids too! Have I messed up?

CJ's picture

Here's my story and any advice would be helpful!! I come from a totally biological Irish family.... we know nothing of divorce or blended families, so I really didn't know what I was getting into. I met my fiance last July while he was seperated and finishing up a divorce from his ex-wife. They had been married 5 years (together 10) and he couldn't put up with her anymore. She orcastrated the wedding and everything. she is 5 years his senior so, at 20 yrs old, he went along with the marriage thing. She was unwilling to work (when she did she was fired) and had a taste for coach purses and prada. Also, extrememly immature. Anyways, they had a little girl in Dec. 04 and they split in Jan. 06. They were on and off the entire time. So the divorce and drama starts.... I started dating "Joe" in July and knew this was the love of my life. When he said he had a little girl- 6 mo. younger than my daughter- i was ecstatic. I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity. We moved in together and in august of 07, I had my first run in with the ex. She had abandoned the house in april 06 and was slowly getting her stuff out. When he and i were moving in, she would show up and walk through the house when we would leave to snoop. I was home one day when she did this and i told her she couldnt come in. To make a long story short, she called 911 and said their was an intruder in her house who wouldnt leave. haha. needless to say, the officer told her to leave and not return till she had a court affidavit to retrieve her stuff. The whole thing terrified my daughter and it took a lot of convincing her "sara"'s mommy wasn't "scary". Well, she has continuously sent him e-mails saying i needed to just stay out of the way. She also made the comment that the day she tried to push her way through the door, she "could have beat me up" if she wanted to. And I'm talking about a woman who is 13 years older than me (yes, Joe fits the sterotype of finding the younger woman, but please dont judge me... I'm 22 just trying to start a stable, healthy family in this crazy place). The childish games are just outrageous. These are things i would never dream of doing. Anyway, its to the point now that Sara doesnt even talk to me and gives me this evil little stare when she doesn't like whats going on. If Joe and I are sitting on the couch cuddling, and i get up, she will be right there jumping in my spot and refusing to move. Joe does have her move, but she wouldnt do it on her own. She will also look dead into my eyes and do this whiney "Daddy, I loves you." Its like she knows what she's doing and is trying to drive a wedge. My daughter is so fed up with sara's little antics that Aangie woun't even play with her anymore. She says, "mommy, sara's not nice and she doesnt like me. can i play by myself?" Its sad to hear your 3 yr. old say that about their future stepsister. Angie will also give sara what she wants so she doesn't get blamed for any fits. For example: Sara is playing with the Pony and then puts pony down to play on the computer. Angie comes up to play with the pony and sara gets bent out of shape and starts crying. Joe comes in and skylar says angie took her toy. and joe believes her- angie is getting punished b/c his daughter is turning into a liar. she was talking to her Biomom one night on the phone and wanted to watch the movie i had started for them.... so she says to her mom (which wasn't true) "Mommy, daddy says i cant talk to you." and i can hear BM getting pissed off and saying to her 3 yr old "well, u tell daddy you will to talk to mommy and you love me." I was floored. I ran to tell him, but i was too late. sara got there first and not ten seconds later, the phone rings again and BM is chewing Joe out because "she believes the 3 yr old over him anyday." and i watched her make the whole thing up. I was appalled. I really need some help. I'm at my wits end and I want this woman to realize i'm not here to destroy her- i just want my life to be calm. Please help.