Jan's picture

Our new life and the EX wife

First I want to thank anyone and everyone who reads this. This is the most difficult situation I my self have ever had to deal with. But here goes! I met a man 19 months ago, he was going through a nasty divorce at the time. He has 3 children and I have 3 children, all of which their ages are mine being 17, 12, and 5. His being 10, 7 and 5. We have been together through the entire process of his divorce and let me tell you its been one hell of a roller coater ride, because of the EX and all her immature Bullsh**. We decided to move in with each other this past august of 2005. His divorce was final in november of 2005. He has joint custody of his children and has them every other week, so we see them alot, which is a good thing. His children are very comfortable with my children, and they just adore me to pieces, well lets just say when their mother isnt around. This is where all the bad stuff comes in. I do not like her and she does not care for me either, she basically poisons the kids minds about me and my children, to the point where they feel uncomfortable even talking to me when she is around such as at school functions, or sports games etc...She sends nasty emails to my BF telling him that he isnt taking care of the children the way he should be, when he does every thing for his kids, he provides for them medically, sports,tutoring, clothing, shoes you name it, he does it, AND he pays her full amount of child support and she doesnt even have them 2 weeks out of the month, plus she DOESN"T work. Recently I made a comment in a public place about how their one child always has bruises and such whenever I see him, well a parent that knows his mother went back and told her what I said, so her BF tells me that he would appreciate it if I dont bad mouth the kids mom,(this was a horrible conversation) this really irritated me since I am always having to deal with false accusations from this woman about my children along with jealousy etc....I feel so bad for the children, and I really love the kids like they were my own, they are very close to me as well, like I said though when she isnt witnessing it, what do I do about her behavior and what she tells the children about me, its bothering me alot and its causing issues with my relationship, I feel like leaving my BF just to get away from all this stupid nonsense sh**, but I know thats what she wants, she doesnt want him, she just wants him to be miserable and alone, but if I stay I feel like I have 13 years to go before it gets better. it has gotten to the point after her rude emails about me and my children etc.. that i have tld her to never speak to me again, and she even told the children that, she said dads GF doesnt like me, so now they ask me why I am mean to their mom. I am so torn and stuck its horrible, and sad, for everyone, all because of one immature parent, well if thats what you want to call her. And for the record, I was NOT the reason of their divorce, she left him for someone else. Please help with any advice, if I need to elaborate a little more for better undersdtanding, I can do that too. Thanks everyone!!!! Smiling


Dawn's picture

I have to deal with a person like that too

Jan,

Some of the things that you said sound very familiar to me. I however, don't have any kids of my own and I don't know if I would have been able to survive in the relationship if the evilness was directed at my children.

My stepson's mother hates me too. She says a lot of bad things about me to my stepson. He is always more standoffish with me and his father when his mother is around. She always tries to undermine my relationship with my stepson. I think I posted previously about how last Mother's Day, she told my stepson that he shouldn't have gotten me a present because "Dawn" is not your real mother so she doesn't deserve a present. Unfortunately, all of the bad talk only hurts the child. No matter what my stepson's mother tells him about me, he has his own feelings towards me(good ones)and that confuses him.

Does your significant other back you up? Does he confront his ex about what she says and does towards you? My husband has finally started to put his ex in her place if she does/says something horrible and not true about me. Still, she gets away with some things, as he has to pick his fights. However, since he has started to stick up for me to her face, she has gotten somewhat better. We still have issues, though, and I will not deal with her directly anymore!

Hang in there if this is what you want but know this. It will get better as the children get older as long as your significant other stands up for you!!!

Dawn

Jan's picture

Thanks Dawn

I'm glad I found this site to have wonderful people to talk to, and so far there is no negativity towards me.........LOL. Anyway, yes my BF does stick up for me, and I am so grateful to him for that, he sticks up for me so much that the ex has even told him that he now puts me ahead of their children, which is of course complete and uetter Bullsh**. I to do NOT want to deal with her anymore, it has come to the point where I have even told her not to speak to me ever, and now she has her BF relay messages to my BF (the kids dad) that I was heard saying things about her in a public place, its so pathetic its not even funny. I try SO hard not to let her or her stupid immature acts bother me, but a person can only take so much, I mean seriously how many times can you laugh something off and be like "yup, satan is at it again". After awhile it gets old, real old and tiresome. thank you very much for the reply though it really helped me alot, I bet this will be much cheaper than therapy huh? LOL.Thanks again, Jan

Corie's picture

blended families

Jan, I think our boyfriends ex's are the same person!!! You get to the point where you feel like you are going crazy! Why can these women not leave it alone and allow the ex to go on with his life? We constantly hear that he treats my children better than his own, which is not true by any means. His children have never done without. I have struggled for over 10 yrs now raising my 3 children with no child support as their dad does everything in his power to avoid paying for them. Their father does not have access with the kids on a regular basis either, comes in and out of their lives every couple of years. If my BF's ex only knew what it was like to have the other parent not care enough to provide for his children, or not care that a couple of yrs. go by before seeing the kids. I am so sick to death of her whining and complaining and her trying to make him feel guilty about things. My BF had an injury last August and is still unable to return to work, may never be able to. His child support was lowered in the courts due to the income change and she was furious over this. She has the kids relay info back to her if my BF does anything around the house....sends emails demanding to know why he isn't working yet if he is able to do this or that. Sends nasty emails about me interfering with "her" children. I don't have anything to do with her, but we operate like a family at our home and us being the parents in our house, make our own rules. We blocked her email addy, then she started calling 9 times in an hour and 15 min, the next night was 8 times in 2 hours. Guess what her emergency was? She had some receipts for him to pay his portion for extra's that she had been refusing to give him. So now we have been legally advised to send a journal back and forth only addressing concerns of the children every 2 wks when they are here for access. That we are only to return her calls if she leaves a legitimate message on the answering machine stating its an emergency. If she doesn't do it, we will have it court ordered...we can't take her bull anymore, we deserve to have a normal family life.

Anonymous's picture

ex wives

I just cant believe what im hearing..there are other people out there.feeling and going through the same thing!!!..its like someone stole a page out of my life!!!...well around here its been so crazy my husband is in iraq, and ive been dealing with his ex wife, she driving me crazy. since my husband been gone we are still on the same schedule with the kids we have kids for 3 days then she has kids for three days..(whitch i dont believe is good for kids at all, to much change all the time for them) anyway, she has come by my house every night to see the kids, to yell about schoolwork, to cry to them about breaking up with her boyfriend, she had a total melt down crying to them about some guy. standing in my kitchen.then went upstairs with the little one to see if her room was clean, then yelled at her because her bed wasn't made!!.. .every night i have them she makes up something so she comes over!...the kids get very upset after she leaves,and it takes me hours to calm them down, ive tried to talk to her about this but i get the same old same old, there her kids well this is MY HOUSE!!!...i love these kids and its killing me watching them go through this, i no there her children,and im trying to be respectful, but enough, yesterday she came by to see if they where doing there homework. i said no we havent started yet im cooking dinner and after that we all sit down(there 3 kids 1 mine) and do it together..she started screaming at the top of her lungs they do there homework right after school when they get home and that im useless,,me and the kids where so upset after she left we couldn't even eat dinner...thats when the oldest one hes 11 said please don't make me see her again.shes says mean things about you and dad and i hate her!...told him to let me think about it and when he got home from school the next day wed have a long talk...hoping to get some advice before he gets home!!

Anonymous's picture

Re ex wives

Oh my goodness. I feel for you. I couldn't imagine what that must be like. I am dealing with a wicked ex too, but she would never do that. I think the reason that she has been checking in like that is because she feels that you are a better mother then her. Seems like she is a major control freak. You are right not to want that in YOUR HOUSE. Those are her children, but I think that your husband needs to set the rules here. I know he is over seas which makes things more dificult and she knows she can get away with it. You have to stand up for yourself and tell her she will no longer disrespect you in your house. If she becomes confrontational then call the police. If you have family near by have them be there.

Prayers are with you.

kathleen's picture

Oh my..

Here's my take. First, lay down the law. It is your house and you do not have to have BM in it at all. Tell her unless the kids specifically ask for her to come over, you do not want her there. It is just three days for Goodness sake. Tell her to call if she wants to talk to the kids.

As for the conversation with 11 year old. What I think is the "right" thing to do is to listen to his feelings, validate and help him see another side so that he can have empathy and still love his mom.

Are you sure you want to maintain visitation while DH is overseas, fighting for our country? You are a brave and honorable woman, truly, to take this on. I commend you. Sounds like your presence in their life is very valuable. You must take care of yourself though and setting boundaries and rules is your first order of business. Good luck and let us know what happens.

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau

Dou's picture

I am so happy that I am not alone! It's like a weight off.......

Ladies,

I am so relieved that there is a forum like this! I am not alone, Thank you God!!!! After separating in 1997, my high school sweetheart married another woman and in that time period produced two children. In between that time, I had two boys from a previous relationship.Upon seeing him again in 2005, we met and talked and began dating again. They had been separated, she leaving him many times during their tenure. He filed for divorce from her 3 months later. We got married a year later. Since we have gotten together she has repeatedly tried to make our life hell. She has told the children evil things about the father and myself, to the point that the child came and told us. He was 3 at the time and repeatedly said "you are a BAD DADDY" as a litany. She has sent the children to our house with pink eye, strepped throat, ringworm and any other childhood infectious disease that you can imagine. My husband and I have a 15 month old son and he received the pink eye from my stepdaughter. 4 out of 5 times that we receive them they are ill and come packed with meds. I mentioned this to my mother in law ( who cannot stand her) and she has agreed that she is a lax and irresponsible mother. Not only that she has been a CHILD CARE TEACHER for over 4 years. I am also a child care provider.

Every time my stepdaughter comes she is wearing lowcut clothes and tiny miniskirts in 40 degree weather, she is just 3 years old. A restraining order against her towards my husband has been in effect since May of last year because she assaulted him in a parking lot after cutting my stepsons hair. He had been growing it from birth and requested to both parents repeatedly to cut, after talking to her, he did so. She kicked him in the chest, punched and scratched him ALL WHILE HOLDING MY STEPDAUGHTER!!!!!! Imagine the rage inside of me. My husband is a disblaed Iraq war veteran.

Ladies, the list could go on and on. Never get involved, always show copious amounts of love to those children becuase they are confused and it is very tough on them. Just absorb all the ex's negative energy and turn into positive and focus it on those children.

Take care and take the high road.

Anom777's picture

Step kids visiting while their Dad is gone

My fiancé works several months of the year out of state. He has every other weekend with his teenage daughter for the custody arrangement. Is it within the law to require her to allow his daughter to come to our house while he is gone? If not how did you get her to do that? His daughter is upset and wants to come see me and my kids. She only uses me to give their daughter a ride at the last minute which I drop everything just so we can see her. I invite his daughter to everything we do and her mom says okay and I make plans to go and she has canceled 99/100 times.

In your situation, I don't know if she has to still bring them while he is gone so you might not want to push it. But, oh my g** her coming into your home like that is crazy.

wkdwytch's picture

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let this woman in your house again. You have no obligation to let her in your house on your visitation day. It does not matter that your husband is in Iraq. You cannot, however, file any papers for your stepson or husband regarding a change in custody/visitation. This will have to be done once he returns and should be done immediately upon his return, especially if his son does not want to keep the same arrangement you currently have. Good luck to you!

The dutchess's picture

Like the rest of you, I am so

Like the rest of you, I am so relieved to find that I am not alone and that the world hasn't fallen down around me. I am living with the man that I love and our relationship is taking a serious toll because of his ex. I personally dont think bad of her, many tell me that it is because I have never had to deal with her. People are always warning me about her, that she want to kill me, she keeps cursing me and calling me names, and when I come to her house to fetch my BF'S daughter, she is as nice as can be and she always tells me how my BF abandoned her and how I should watch out for him. At first I though, "Wow, someone MUST be lying here." and then I started to learn all these things of her. I am not here to complain about her, really my life revolves around her enough, I just wish I could have some advice on how I can make the situation better. The real problem boils down to the money and the children. My BF and I are paying everything for her, her rent, her car, her clothing accounts, airtime and we buy food for the house and give her money as well. (we give her money for food and she spends it on other things) I was in a bad mood one day and let my BF know what I felt of that because I work my ass off everyday. She doesnt work, has a full time maid and the child is at school until 5pm. Now I just decided that I will give her all her heart desires so that she can just not be angry and tell the child how her father abandoned her, when it was her that said we wont see her until her this or that has been paid...
When the child asks why daddy isnt there anymore, she will say because he abandoned us to be with his w***e. The truth is that I met while he was filing the papers for the divorce, how have I ruined HER life??? If I am nice about everything than they just want more out of me, if I am a total B****H then it is even worse, and it is not even got anything to do with me...please can someone out there tell me what to do? I cant leave this man, he is my everything and it will destory him. I am just really tired of being engaged to her more than to him...and the guilt she loads is killing me and I cant even bring myself down to say what it is doing to this beautiful 4 year old. Sad

rjohns12's picture

Ex-wives and poisoning my stepchildrens minds with falsehoods

I have put up with my husbands exwife for three years now. At first she would play silly games of calling my cell then hanging up or making derogatory remarks. I never knew her number and had not met her (the kids stayed with us every other weekend, and they were wonderful), finally I called the number back and sure enough it was her. I asked her to stop immediately, she stated "it's not me placing the phone calls to you", but the calls came from her cell and her voice on my voicemails. I told her if it continued I would have no choice but to contact the police as this is the type of person I was dealing with. I let my husband here the messages, he simply stated "I told you she would soon start with you". The next day, after the police contacted her about the continued harrassement she called and left a voicemail, stating "I did not place those calls to your phone, but I do want to thank you for taking such good care of my children while they are at your house, they seem to really adore you." ( mind you she had called 37 times while I was the police station filing the complaint, and the detectives even answered the phone after about the 11th one). Needless to say, the next weekend we had the then 4 year old little girl and 13 year old boy. We caught the 13 year old at our door with his cell phone trying to record our conversations "because his mother told him to", he stated. We explained this was not appropriate, and immediately called her to let her know he can no longer have the cell phone on in our home. The 4 year old was sitting at the dinner table, and out of the blue, points at me and says "you a bitch. you and daddy sexin"....of course we immediately spoke with her, she's only 4, her 13 year old brother immediately said " you know mommies mouth". from their she started keeping the kids on our weekends, not allowing us to pick them up, accused my then 5 year old little girl of "sexually molesting" her daughter....complete and morbid lie. Later we found out that the 4 year old had actually started taking her clothes off at school and the behavior got so bad they had to call CPS on the mother, so we are assuming this is why she tried to put it on us. Well, we moved in 06, and emailed her to ask for the childrens christmas list...no reply, so I sent what i knew they liked right before we left. In 07 she took that old email and began emailing my, my husband and his mother and had changed the email to say some pretty nasty things then sent it and replied to it as if I had sent it. We have not spoken to them since(still sent packages and cards to the children), now december 2008 my husband received an email, actually 2 where she took my email address, put it as from me, to her now 16 year old son, telling him "I know your a queer, and you need counceling because I know your gay". then wrote a second one to him from my email address stating "you have been replaced, stating my husband and I's now 2 year old sons name, and saying he has replaced you, you have no place in my home". This is morbid to me, the children and I never had problems. other than a few things here and there, we all talked about them and we got along well. Why #1 would this mother write something like that to her own child????? What is wrong with her????? #2 why would she forge my email address and an email with my name, this is the third time. I did an IC3 form for cyber crime which states this is a federal crime. But seriously, what is wrong with this woman??? please tell me, what do you do about someone that goes to this extent, who knows how much farther she will go. On top of this the same day she emailed my husband this crap, she had sent me an email stating "I haven't received your request for the childrens christmas list so I'll just give it to you now, the 16 year old wants a $500.00 visa gift card from us, and the 7 year old wants a $300.00 coach purse. you need to have those here before christmas, Thank you" Now I don't mind buying them things, but I didn't ask because my husband said it would just open a door for her to start something, and over the last two years for every occassion we make a box for each of them of different things, and can only hope they like, want, and needed them. We are constantly told by my mother in law, that the oldest tells them he hasn't received anything from us sicne 2005, but the mother assures that they receive their packages as well as the random cards we send just to tell them we love and miss them.
The worst part, is my husband won't even stand up to her, especially after this and let her know this is enough. Basically doesn't even stand up for me....I understand he doesn't want to deal with it, but every year out of the blue this woman starts attacking me or my children and now attacking our son we had together....I'm trying to hard not to just shut everyone out...but seriously....

HELP!

Anonymous123's picture

Poisoning ex's- I get it!

Oh honey! I can very much relate to your CRAZY ex story! However, first I am a little confused. So you and your husband don't see his kids at all anymore? Ever? And they don't know that you send them gifts? And a 7 year old wants a Coach Purse? Ha! Yeah right. Did you lose your rights to see them when you moved? Surely it's in the divorce judgment that you can still see them. Maybe I misread.

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. I do not have children of my own, but the ex has pulled everything you could think of during their messy divorce. She accused my BF of raping her, beating her, and sexually molesting his own child. All after SHE moved in a convicted sex offender who had just gotten out of jail! The divorce is finally over, and luckily no one (even DFS that she called twice) didn't believe her crazy stories. It was evident she was only making them up to get the spotlight off her own BF. Anyway, we thought now things would start to calm down. NOT THE CASE. She tells his son (5) that his daddy is a horrible person, that I am a horrible person, and makes life difficult where ever she can. The divorce has been final a little over a month, and we have already had to threaten filing a motion for full custody at the advice of the guardian at litem. We currently have 45% of custody, joint legal. It is a nightmare. She tries and has tried everything in the book. The sad part is, the boy is caught in the middle. He adores me but is being told by his mother that he shouldn't like me, that she doesn't like me, and to me to leave and never come back. So, usually once he comes back after being with her for a few days, he is really confused. He will be mean to me and say horrible things, followed by "that's what my mom says". I try not to let it get to me, I know he doesn't mean them. Usually after a day or so, he is back to his normal self, loving me and playing. He is getting better, Christmas was a nightmare. So even over the last month he has improved. We just keep telling him he can have his own feelings, and that it is his mom problem that she doesn't like me, not his. We have also told him to tell her if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all. We just keep reinforcing these things to him, and they begin to sink in. It is an on going battle, and will continue to be until he is a little older and can think for himself more. He is independent, so there is hope. And a terrific kid.
You must remember there is always a reason. We have been through A LOT in the last year and a half, more than I could have even imagined. And there is a lot more to come. You just have to have faith, God has a reason. I don't know your religious beliefs, but everything has a purpose whether you can see it at first or not. Pray for her, as crazy as that sounds. She ( same as mine) is leading a miserable life. For someone to take that much energy into making someone miserable, is miserable themselves. I pity my BF's ex. She has nothing better to do but to think of things to hurt her child and us. Sad that she doesn't have a life. Doesn't sound like yours does either. It's hard, to face every day wondering what's coming next.
As far as your husband, it has to be dealt with. Just like a child, they will do whatever you let them get away with. In our case, she would laugh if he said anything to her. It has to come from a judge, everything has to be done legally. I am pretty sure has a mental disorder, seriously. Either bi-polar or some sort of personality disorder. She is erie. Like accusing him of raping, beating and molesting their son, then blowing him a kiss and mouthing "I love you" right after. SICK!
So you either need to have a serious chat with your husband about talking to her, or you need to get a lawyer involved. How do his divorce papers read? About custody?

youngmama1b1g's picture

If there is a custody order

If there is a custody order in place where your H gets visitation- he gets the visitation. Take the police with you to get if you have to but the longer the kids dont hear from you the worse itll be.

needing help's picture

I so understand how you feel!

I so understand how you feel! You can only take so much b4 you snap. I have been with my hubby for almost 4 years and married almost 2 of those years, this is the 2nd marriage
4 both of us. We have my 2 girls from my past marriage living with us and he has 3 from his in another state. You would think the fact of the mother of his kids living in another state would make things easier but it is far from it! She used to call all the time just to talk to my hubby about everything not just the kids, every time she would get into it with her family, have a break up, or even just a bad day. It drove me insane! After many big fights over this he finally realized that she needed to stop this craziness so he stopped contact with her unless it was about the kids. Well my peace has ended her and her bf have broken up and the past few days he has had calls about the most idiotic things. It is driving me crazy!! She is nuts and not only do I have to deal with her it is her mother and father who call here too just to tell my husband things he needs to do! I have spoken with them all and her mother is just as crazy as she is! When my hubby lost his job he got behind in child support so when we paid it out of our income tax the state she lives in has kept the check and told her it would be 6 months b4 she got it, which would be sept so instead of doing the math herself she keeps calling us along with her family to figure out y she hasn't gotten it. Just last week her father called and left me a message about how I need to call for her and find out what is going on with it then 20 min later she called me to fuss about it and told me "you just need to call them again to get me my money" when I told her that I am really busy right now and it would be a week or so b4 I would have the chance to (trying to be nice) she asked y I couldn't do it the next day! I am not doing it period now I work with my hubby in the business we started this year, do all the books, make all the appointments, and not to mention am always doing something at the kids school. On the other hand she doesn't work has other adults living in her home who do not work and does nothing for the kids school or anything ( I knoiw thius because they call me all the time for little things like providing them with social security numbers of the kids that she forgets to give them ) so y should I? I have had it with this woman I cannot stand her or her family anymore they disrupt my life constantly and it has got to end!

happy mom's picture

I believe my stepson hates me.

Everytime my stepson is with us, I feel like he dislikes me or feels uncomfortable around me. I'm pretty sure that his biomom feeds him false information about me, maybe to not like me. He is always distant from me, never says hi when he arrives home. He is now 9 yrs old., he became my stepson when he was 3 yrs. old. I remember one time when his biomom called my husband to tell him that his son said that I hit him on the head, that of course was not true. Was she just making that up? I have a 5yr old daughter and at first my stepson use to fight with her. I feel like his biomom feeds him bad information and probably snoops around and asks questions about what's going on in our household. One time my stepson asked me if I was happy in the relationship? I said to myself "why is he asking me that? unless his mom asked him to ask me that question. I told him yes of course I was happy...he then said "is that the truth?" I was just like yes, why are you asking and he said nothing.

-happy mom

Anonymous's picture

I totally understand!! I

I totally understand!! I have two step children (ages 13 & 14 boys). The 14 yr old is terrible most of the time. His mother treats him like her significant other when he is with her, so when he stays with my Boyfriend (of 7 yrs) he thinks he is an adult and will not obey any rules. Instead lately he barely even talks. He is VERY standoffish towards me and tries in every way to make me feel not included in anything. My BF and is ex-wife have been divorced for 11 yrs and have to communicate through attorneys still (at the ex-wife request). Unfortunately, the ex-wife is a licensed psychologist and makes our life a "living hell", filling both boys heads with lies. My email is pridenben@aol.com if you choose to talk. Maybe we can help each other, it sounds like we have alot in common. Take Care

Marie

Exhausted SM's picture

SD that hates me!

I also am a SM. i have 3 skids and girl 11, boy 14 and boy 8. SS 14 yr old lives with me and my hubby. 8yr SS adores me and would love to live with us. BM hates my guts and tries her hardest to turn the kids against me. She has (after 5 yrs) managed to get SD to completely write me off. It didn't use to be that bad. SD has always been stand offish with me but warms up after the first couple hours of our visitation. Recently she has turned into a terror! She has even said loudly in public as she was getting in trouble by my hubby that the only reason why he was getting on to her was because of me and that is why she doesn't like me. (It was very hurtful and embarassing). She has also told me recently that her mom said that I did some type of "voodoo" ritual to make BD fall in love with me and I took him away from his family. Of course that is not true! In fact she cheated on him and that is why they are divorced. I am to the point where I feel no emotional connection with my SD and if I never saw her again that would be ok. I feel like I am being bullied by an 11y/o! This has strained our marriage because of course my hubby loves his D and wants us to have a good relationship but believe me it will NEVER happen! I know I cannot stop BM from telling all her lies about me but how do I live my life like this??? HELP!

Anonymous's picture

I know exactly how you feel!

I know exactly how you feel! My SD is 13 now. I've been with her dad for the last 8 years and she just cannot stand me. We used to get along really well in the beginning of the relationship but I think that having her mom tell her crazy stuff about me over the years has finally gotten to her. I haven't seen SD in over 2 months and it's absolutely fine with me. I have no feelings towards her at all. I know it makes my husband sad that we don't have any kind of relationship but he also knows her mom has had so much influence on her so there's nothing really anyone can do. My advice to you would be to just let it go. Be polite and civil when she's around but don't bend over backwards trying to make it work with her because it will just eat you up. There's no way you can compete with what BM is telling her daughter.

stepped-on's picture

Learning to tell self----enough already!

This is mey first write in. I'm a SM to two SD for the past 8 years. It's been hell! I've have bent over backwards and then some. I'm learning to let go. It's hard knowing that my DH needs me to do and help out even though the girls are 20 and 22. Yes, their BM is bi-polor and has influenced them against me, even though the girls say she has not. The girls are so much like their BM that their behavior is frustrating. I'm bitter to the point of not even wanting them in my home. I didn't think I would ever become that kind of person. I'm glad I have found this site and know others have some understanding.

Anonymous's picture

Wow! I have finally found

Wow! I have finally found somewhere, even though it is not really a "place" to vent as a stepmom. I have been married 4 years to my husband and we have custody of his 5 chidren. BM is crazy and is also bipolar. 3 out of 5 kids are bipolar. One is in a theraputic boarding school right now because of her illness. My husband is the love of my life, and if I did not love him so much I would run so fast! There are days I do not know how I function with all that life has handed me. My husband is much older than me and has not been physically healthy for the last 16 months which means that I have been a single parent for the kids that are not "really" mine!! Because of the age difference and the amount of energy and work that these kids require, I don't think that I would have any of my own and I am ok with that. I just need people who understand what it is like for us SM!!! My husband supports me soooo much, but I just can't expect him to truly get it. Please reach out and help me!

Dawn's picture

Welcome!

I encourage you to sign up and become a member.

It sounds like you have a tough road to travel.

I can't imagine having 3 bipolar stepkids and a bipolar biomom.

Dawn

Regina's picture

Brave Soul

You are very very brave, I commend you. And you said, "...I don't think that I would have any of my own and I am ok with that." That is amazing. I mean, I would not be okay with that, but of course that is me personally, I could not just take care of kids that are not mine and not want to have my own and feel the pride in raising my own child. You must be doing an awesome job, I am so glad to see that your husband supports you!!! That is invaluable!

fellow sufferer's picture

I thought I was the only one going through this

My boyfriend's ex wife is incomprehensibly evil.
She has turned her oldest daughter (12) against me and my daughter.
When I am around this girl, she usually will not even speak to me.
My boyfriend doesn't really take up for me in regard to her.
Makes excuses for her probably because he's afraid to be taken back to court by his crazy ex. She has already taken him there once because his daughter said he "threw her against a wall".
Thankfully this accusation was ruled out by the court and the ex wife was given a strong reprimand by the judge, but even that is not stopping her from poisoning her kids against me, and possibly him as well.
Unfortunately no court can really prevent that.
I love my boyfriend very much but it really hurts not being able to go around him when his kids are there. When I do go around them, mostly the older daughter who is just like the ex, I'm ignored and feel terrible when my boyfriend doesn't take up for me.
I don't know what to do. He won't marry me i'm sure because of the kids and his fear of the ex turning them against him.
I have to admit, she probably would!
i'm so sorry for your pain, but it's good to know that I'm not alone.

another victim's picture

I think I have it Worse!

My husband's ex flipped out as soon as we got married. She got my email address and started sending me vicious emails under an alias, talking as if it were her, she just doesn't use her own name so that we cannot prove it. She says she is still sleeping with him. She tells me that he calls her all of the time and tells her how "dumb" I am and all these other hateful things. She tells me that their daughters hate me, which is so untrue. Basically, she just wants me to doubt him and think that he still is having a relationship with her behind my back. She will then call and leave him phone messages regarding the most irrelevant things just to get to me. She acts like everything is fine between them. Meanwhile, he has had no contact with her for months. At least that is what he tells me and I really do believe him. He hates what this is doing to me and he knows that if he did have anything to do with her behind my back he would lose me. We are going to court to hopefully have a judge see what she is up to and get someone to be in the middle so that there is zero communication between my husband and her. What she wants more than anything is to have him call her. Even if it is for negative reasons.

Simone's picture

I Totally Understand You

Your story sounds just like my life. I have been with my husband who is the love of my life for 3 years and we have been married 7 months and since meeting him I have had this frustration in me that I just do not understand - some days I think it would be easier to just end the relationship than have to put up with his ex anymore. Ever since our first date his ex has been texting, calling, emailing and carrying on like a nut. She used to send messages trying to get him back with little kisses at the end but I stopped that around xmas by cutting her down with a reply text. But she has recently started finding any little excuse to call or text my husband - there is always something she just has to tell him. Although my husband does stick up for me he is also pretty civil to her when she calls because he is scared of her not letting him see his kids (which she would never do because she can't wait to get rid of them). She always talks badly to my two step daughters (7 & 10) about me and my husband and when they come to stay it always takes them a while to warm to me, they just seem to ignore me and act as if I don't exist and I get really upset because when they are with us I am the one who dresses them, feeds them, takes them to birthday parties etc. When the kids go home his ex sits them down and they go over everything we have said and done so she knows everything going on in our life. I just don't know how to deal with her always in our life. I feel like it is my husband and his two wifes and he has even said that before because she contacts him that much! Help what can I do to get over this????

missylyn's picture

simone

my husband and i have been together 3years. we have an 15 mo old son together. he has a 5 year old daughter with his ex wife. she has been hateful and malicious from the start. but we like to stay 2 steps ahead. my husband hates his ex wife for a number of reasons. but mainly because she likes to try and use scare tactics in order to get him where she wants him which is no way for any person to live, but because of her behaviour. she has to go through me and my phone in order to communicate with him for anything.and it has cut out alot of bull. she hates having to go through me and she hates even more that she has no control of the situation. when she calls i do give my husband the messages when she leaves them but if she tries to pull that i'm gonna harass him until he answers crap then she gets to hear from me instead. and i tell her that if she calls and leaves threateing voice mails she will not be allowed to talk to my husband. that if she has something to say to him she can patiently waite for him to call her back. and i let her know if she contiues to act rudely then we will take our recordings to court and press charges on her for harassment. we also bought this device from radio shck that plugs into the cell phone and a casstte recorder and now all conversations are recorded. so she has no choice now but to act politley when she calls or she will suffer the consequences. and if it doesn't pertain to their daughter she don't need to be calling nagging about someone or somethings from their past like she use to. and so you just got to get tough take over and learn what your rights are and hope you husband loves you and trust you enough at being able to handle being put in the middle to back her off.

amanda henderson's picture

simone

It sounds like too much work for you and he also sounds incredibly cowardly that a grown man can set his ex straight. Your better off changing your number and just don't give it to her.

Kimberly's picture

My ex had 2 children. A boy

My ex had 2 children. A boy and a girl, he was 5 and she was 8. His daughter loved me, his son hated me. (They had two different moms) Bri's mom was great, we got along very well, and worked together with her. Bry's mom was impossible to get along with and hated my guts, she was extremely jealous of my 2 kids and Bry was too. She always expected him to be first priority over everything. Hate towards us radiated from him for several years, despite how nice I was and what I did for him. I've always treated every child I've been with like I would my own, (even him) despite his behavior towards me. He did warm up to me occaisionally, and that helped me to see what I already knew. It was the things she was telling him that made him the way he was towards me and my kids. That became more obvious over time. He called me mom one day, and she flipped! That confirmed it too. I think I was in it for about 5 years and things started getting better. There's a gene pool somewhere near by where all of these crazy B****es come from, but hang in there it does get better. Kids can't pick their moms and in time, they see the BS for what it is. They get old enough and respect and love you more for being there than they did when they couldn't see through it. Crazy mom's are impossible and don't respond to it. She isn't your ex, she's his. You didn't marry it, she's not your problem. I told the crazy one that, and sure-I felt bad about it and yeah-she got really upset and really mad, but it ended my problems with her. Be the bigger woman and be the better mom if she's not willing to be. They need someone to look up to, and they also need to recognize that the behavior of their mom isn't okay. You don't have to point that out to them, they most-likely already know it. They just need to know they can rise above it.

I finally ended the relationship with their father, and my *daughter* frequently comes and visits. When I see my *son* I treat him no different. I just wasn't happy with their father and it had nothing to do with them. They'll always be my kids and they know it.

hopeful's picture

Oh the dreaded ex...

I have to deal with the manipulation of an my husband's ex-wife too and it is no fun. One of things that I realized too late though is that we can't control her behaviour but I can control mine. Having the support of your spouse and agreeing to deal with these issues in a unified way is crucial. We didn't and so we live in separate houses now. I couldn't cope with my husband being bullied by his ex all of the time and the games that she played. I knew that his behaviour would not change unless he made that choice but I also knew that my reaction had to change for my own sanity and happiness...and it did! Good luck and stay unified in your response...it isn't easy that is for sure!!!

Tiffani K's picture

What to do

I'm now dating my best friend. He is a very sweet man. I met him about 5 years ago and at the time he was going through a divorce. His wife cheated on him and she didn't want to be married anymore. However, they are still friends.

Approx 1 year after his divorce he asked to date me and I didn't say yes until 4 months ago. About 3 years ago, around the same time, we both moved from our hometown and moved to separate states. He's in Penn and I'm in GA. The problem is this, anytime he goes back to our hometown he stays at his ex in-laws home. His ex-wife lives there also. He and his ex-wife still exchanges expensive gifts on Xmas, Birthdays, etc. He still spends the Holidays with her and her family. Their son lives with him however, she still allow her to receive child support. Approx 2 years before we started dating I told him that it was unhealthy for him to be so attached to his ex and her family and that he needed to move on in order to find him someone. Well now that we are dating he recently went to our hometown and although 4 of his friends suggested that he should stay with them, he chose to stay at with his ex and her family. He wants to move to GA, however at one time he said that he would have to take was his ex suggested into consideration because of their son. I need some advice!!! This man is very sweet, however, his ex seems to have this hold on him. I've discussed this with him and he stated that "We are only friends and she is the mother of my child." Should I run for my life?????